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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is on purpose?

114 replies

amisrong · 27/08/2023 10:04

DP and I have been together for two years. Last year he forgot my birthday. He apologised, bought me two things the next day but it was pretty rubbish. My birthday is on Tuesday and I know that as of right now, DP hasn't gotten me anything. I'm certain he forgot that it was so soon but yesterday I think his daughter mentioned it to him. Since then, DP has been in a massive grump with me with no explanation- I'm pretty much getting the silent treatment and yesterday when we were going to bed, he suggested I sleep in the guest room (I didn't). I've tried talking to him, but he's just ignoring me, won't look at me etc. AIBU to think that the reason he's behaving like this is to set a tone in which he will be in some way excused for making no effort for my birthday? I'm actually not well right now and he's being so cold.

OP posts:
BeverleyMacker · 27/08/2023 11:44

You deserve better.

VibrantThingie · 27/08/2023 11:46

amisrong · 27/08/2023 11:37

@OhComeOnFFS I did read that thread the other day, I can't believe he made up a present that didn't exist. I don't think he resents me having a 'special' day, he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am every few weeks or so, which is why I don't understand his attitude to this.

I would pay more attention to what he does, rather than what he says.
Words are cheap - easy enough to tell someone what they want to hear.

Alargeoneplease89 · 27/08/2023 11:49

Honestly I couldn't be bothered with such a man child. It's not difficult to remember a loved ones birthday and do something nice (nor expensive).

I would be dumping him and enjoy treating myself.

smashburger · 27/08/2023 11:52

Does he gaslight you? Will he turn round in a few days and say he's not been in a mood in the lead up to your birthday and it's all in your head etc?

FabFitFifties · 27/08/2023 11:54

This is common. Only continue this relationship if you are happy not to feel special and have celebrations ruined for you. It's a form of control, sometimes linked to being unabe to cope with the pressure of expectation/demands. That's all very well, but it can ruin your self esteem and quality of life, if you choose to make allowances and put up with it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/08/2023 11:54

What a prick.

TLDRfuckers · 27/08/2023 11:55

Why did he ask you to move rooms and not just go to the spare himself if he was ill?

why are you questioning if you’re overthinking when the adult you’re in a relationship with has stopped speaking to you? The problem is him not you!

Ladybug14 · 27/08/2023 11:56

Why would you stay in a relationship with someone like this?

Bellyblueboy · 27/08/2023 11:57

So he is making your birthday all about him? Doesn’t want you to be happy and is deliberating making you feel bad?

doEd he ever make you feel special or happy? Is this relationship worth it?

Valerie23 · 27/08/2023 11:57

So you haven't actually done anything to incur his displeasure?

He just says he is feeling unwell? The unwell being that he is in a foul mood for reasons only known to him.

In that case, why are you wasting your time being with an immature, unpleasant man who doesn't appear to like you let alone love and cherish you?

Dump him asap.

Original poster
amisrong · 27/08/2023 11:58

@TLDRfuckers it wasn't because he wasn't feeling well- it's because he didn't want me there (first time he's ever suggested I leave the bed). He said 'if you're not going to try and sleep then you should go in the other bed'. I was nearly asleep when he said that and I hadn't moved at all since I got into bed, not even my head.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 27/08/2023 11:59

I'd ask if he's creating some sort of reason or excuse to shit on your birthday. So cut him off at the pass. If he is then he really is a massive shit.

Wallywobbles · 27/08/2023 12:00

Send it by message so you can see if he's read it.

Original poster
amisrong · 27/08/2023 12:07

@Valerie23 no, I haven't done anything apart from not being 100% myself as I'm a little unwell right now.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2023 12:08

Unless he intended to forget he still has time to get you something @amisrong so I don't know why he's in a mood, unless you're right and his DD reminding him set him off.I don't think you should let him get away with not talking to you, tell him you won't put up with it and go and celebrate your birthday with your friends

smashburger · 27/08/2023 12:10

Oh no I couldn't live like that. You must feel like you can't breathe in the bed beside him through worry he's going to startle you and tell you to sleep elsewhere
Op start making plans to enjoy your birthday doing something alone
You know your birthday is coming up so unless you want a shitty day you should start to organise something for yourself. Solo. Trust me you will be disappointed and hurt otherwise if you don't

Original poster
amisrong · 27/08/2023 12:12

@Daleksatemyshed he does but he's definitely not going out today and our Amazon account is linked so I know he's not ordered anything (yet). I know he still has two days but it's looking unlikely. The thing is, he knows I can't do much on the day as I will be taking my DC to school and picking them up so I only have between 9:30-2pm to do anything I want without having to be back.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/08/2023 12:16

amisrong · 27/08/2023 11:58

@TLDRfuckers it wasn't because he wasn't feeling well- it's because he didn't want me there (first time he's ever suggested I leave the bed). He said 'if you're not going to try and sleep then you should go in the other bed'. I was nearly asleep when he said that and I hadn't moved at all since I got into bed, not even my head.

I hope you told him where to go! Why stay in a relationship like this, I just don't understand.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 12:18

Prelapsarianhag · 27/08/2023 11:35

He is a total cunt. Value yourself and leave him.

Yeah. This.

I'm pretty much getting the silent treatment and yesterday when we were going to bed, he suggested I sleep in the guest room (I didn't)

What the fuck is wrong with him? He’s punishing you just for having a birthday coming up by being a total cunt to you, because he can’t be fucked to make any effort at all. What a complete loser.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/08/2023 12:19

My ex made me cry on every birthday. This is definitely an arsehole thing that arseholes do on purpose.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/08/2023 12:20

This is what deeply horrible people do to punish you for having anything that is for you - any occasion where you might wish or deserve to be made a fuss of.

MermaidEyes · 27/08/2023 12:20

*he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am every few weeks or so

How generous of him.

Original poster
amisrong · 27/08/2023 12:21

I guess this is assuming I'm right and it is related to my birthday. Otherwise he's just in a horrible mood.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 27/08/2023 12:22

amisrong · 27/08/2023 10:08

@HamishTheCamel I asked him if I had upset him and that he seemed off with me, apparently he doesn't feel well.

He could be telling the truth, not everyone lies in advance of an event.

He will probably get you a card, flowers and either buy you something or take you out for a meal on Tuesday, maybe postpone the meal until the weekend depending on your circumstances.

People on her do seem to make a big issue out of birthdays. I never did and was happy with whatever I was given, husband tried and that was what mattered. If it is a milestone birthday, more of a fuss.

ImABox · 27/08/2023 12:25

I just wanted to let you know that none of this behaviour is normal and is all wrong.
He is more than capable of remembering your birthday without being told if he is able to get himself up and dressed in The morning.

My DH would never give me the silent treatment, not even for a few hours let alone days. Asking you to leave your bed when you were asleep? He is emotionally abusive in many ways. You said your DC, are they his too?

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