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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is on purpose?

114 replies

amisrong · 27/08/2023 10:04

DP and I have been together for two years. Last year he forgot my birthday. He apologised, bought me two things the next day but it was pretty rubbish. My birthday is on Tuesday and I know that as of right now, DP hasn't gotten me anything. I'm certain he forgot that it was so soon but yesterday I think his daughter mentioned it to him. Since then, DP has been in a massive grump with me with no explanation- I'm pretty much getting the silent treatment and yesterday when we were going to bed, he suggested I sleep in the guest room (I didn't). I've tried talking to him, but he's just ignoring me, won't look at me etc. AIBU to think that the reason he's behaving like this is to set a tone in which he will be in some way excused for making no effort for my birthday? I'm actually not well right now and he's being so cold.

OP posts:
Original poster
amisrong · 27/08/2023 12:25

@LBFseBrom I'm not wanting lots of things, a card and bottle of Prosecco would be fine, it's if he forgets that I'll be upset. Like he did last year.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 27/08/2023 12:28

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/08/2023 12:20

This is what deeply horrible people do to punish you for having anything that is for you - any occasion where you might wish or deserve to be made a fuss of.

Edited

This OP.
Think hard about this person, and relationship.

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2023 12:30

Do people in your world “get in horrible” moods and throw their wives out of bed? Because Ive been with DH for 30+ years—and we’ve seen some things—and neither if us have ever done that.

The short answer to your question is “yes this is deliverate” and it is a tactic abusive or massively emotionally incompetent people use to control you and avoid a feeling of shame or guilt. A normal loving person remembers the birthday and the job (making loved one happy); a normal forgetful person forgets the date but remembers the job and rushes to make it up; an absolute asshole deliberately forgets the date, and the job, and then abuses you to distract and punish you for having expectations.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2023 12:35

Well judging by your answer @amisrong he really hasn't bothered. I'm sorry he's being such a shit, the first years are supposed to be the happiest and two years in he's not even trying. I know you have DC to consider and moving isn't easy but do you really want this to be the rest of your life? He already takes you for granted and strops like a child.

DimOGwbl · 27/08/2023 12:49

The thing is, he can't forget as he obviously knows now, ie in time to go shopping.
He's just a cunt.

BogRollBOGOF · 27/08/2023 13:04

amisrong · 27/08/2023 11:37

@OhComeOnFFS I did read that thread the other day, I can't believe he made up a present that didn't exist. I don't think he resents me having a 'special' day, he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am every few weeks or so, which is why I don't understand his attitude to this.

Does he make you feel wonderful? Regularly?

This level of lack of consideration and sulking suggests otherwise. Being like this 2 years in is concerning as such behaviour normally gets worse over the years.

Being with him sounds like a path to misery.

Saschka · 27/08/2023 13:05

amisrong · 27/08/2023 10:45

So I'm not crazy to think that this is on purpose?

Even if it isn’t life is too short for this. You’ve been with him two years, throw him back in the sea and find somebody decent.

WaltzingWaters · 27/08/2023 13:11

Maybe for your birthday gift to yourself you should ditch this sulking loser.

WishIDidntButIDo · 27/08/2023 13:12

Regardless of reasons why, this is the state of the relationship only 2 years in, what’s the point, it sounds miserable. Dump him.

But generally, I never get these dramas about birthdays. Do people not discuss upcoming birthdays and arrange what you might do or what you would like? People seem to play games and keep quiet to then have a strop if it’s forgotten. I find that really weird.

CarrieMoonbeams · 27/08/2023 13:17

Nochoiceleft · 27/08/2023 10:11

My dad used to do this. Birthday’s and Christmas. He is not a pleasant man.

Same here. Whenever it was coming up to my birthday, or my brother's or my mum's, he'd be in an absolute rage. Either screaming at us all for absolutely nothing, or stomping around saying nothing at all to anyone. We were all terrified to make a sound.

Funnily enough, even when I was too little to learn the date of his birthday, I figured it out pretty early on, because he was so over the top nice to us all. Prick.

In addition, if my mum was ever feeling unwell, he also went into a mood, and "miraculously" 🤔 it was actually because he wasn't feeling well either (allegedly!). Fucking attention seeking prick.

Sounds like you may have a similar one there OP. 😔

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 13:30

LBFseBrom · 27/08/2023 12:22

He could be telling the truth, not everyone lies in advance of an event.

He will probably get you a card, flowers and either buy you something or take you out for a meal on Tuesday, maybe postpone the meal until the weekend depending on your circumstances.

People on her do seem to make a big issue out of birthdays. I never did and was happy with whatever I was given, husband tried and that was what mattered. If it is a milestone birthday, more of a fuss.

Show quote history

Have you read the OP’s posts? He’s vile.

You might be happy with fuck-all effort, but surely even you would draw the line at this abusive behaviour?

mistermagpie · 27/08/2023 13:35

God. You've only been together two years, why are you putting up with this?

He can't 'forget' now anyway, he has been reminded. But that's neither here nor there is it? He's treating you like dirt for literally no reason, and whether that's because he's being a weirdo about your birthday or just because he's a horrible man, it doesn't really matter. This isn't going to get better I'm afraid, and if you've got any sense you'd dump him.

Original poster
amisrong · 27/08/2023 17:09

@CarrieMoonbeams gosh I really hope not. So sorry you went through thatSad

OP posts:
Letitgonowgr · 27/08/2023 17:12

I’d be less bothered about the birthday and more bothered that he’s avoiding you and asked you to sleep in the spare room! Are you 13?! I would not accept this behaviour.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 27/08/2023 17:27

@LBFseBrom

"husband tried and that was what mattered"

But her DP didn't even try last year, and this year's not looking good either.

CommonVetch · 27/08/2023 17:38

Do you feel able to test the waters and remind him your birthday is coming up yourself? His reaction might tell you everything you need to know.

AgnestaVipers · 27/08/2023 17:53

I resent you having a birthday and that you will be expecting me to think ahead and to make you feel special.
I don't want to give in to these expectations.
I know this makes me a twat and knowing that makes me feel angry.
I will punish you for these feelings I am having by giving you the silent treatment and making you feel terrible.
I will try to make you think that is it YOU that is in the wrong, for good measure.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/08/2023 18:02

Abusive men often spoil occasions.

i wouldn’t be remotely surprised if you sat and looked at his behaviour generally with a neutral eye other things would crop up.

CarrieMoonbeams · 27/08/2023 20:55

I really hope not too @amisrong .

It's just the combination of your upcoming birthday and the fact that he apparently doesn't feel well, it seemed a bit too familiar to me 😔.

(And I now have a fabulous life, so please don't worry about me ❣️. DH and I met when we were at school and we've been together for 45 years now. He adores me and I do realise how lucky I am 🤗.)

I hope you have a lovely birthday when it comes anyway. Here's a hug from a random wee wifey on the internet 🤗💐

Wallywobbles · 28/08/2023 06:48

AgnestaVipers · 27/08/2023 17:53

I resent you having a birthday and that you will be expecting me to think ahead and to make you feel special.
I don't want to give in to these expectations.
I know this makes me a twat and knowing that makes me feel angry.
I will punish you for these feelings I am having by giving you the silent treatment and making you feel terrible.
I will try to make you think that is it YOU that is in the wrong, for good measure.

I'd put money on this.

Original poster
amisrong · 28/08/2023 06:53

I guess we'll find out tomorrow

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/08/2023 07:12

The thing is, you've only been together two years. Last year he didn't get you anything. This time he has been reminded by his daughter and has gone into a massive sulk. It really looks as though he still hasn't got you anything. Does he bring anything to your life? He sounds horrible! Does he live with you in your home?

BeMoreBarbie · 28/08/2023 07:23

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

You say you feel a little ill? Could it be something contagious?

Otherwise this is so fucked up. He's forgotten and takes it out on you AND ruins your day but you can't raise it? What's his plan after the rage? Pretend it never happened and it was never your birthday?

What's the point of him? Get out or get him out. 2 years in I'd want pure fucking joy from a man.

cushioncovers · 28/08/2023 07:33

Op this man resents you having anything special. Look at his actions not his words. Does he even like you? Even if he gets you a present now he's ruined the gesture. He's done this on purpose. Don't doubt yourself or convince yourself that you are low maintenance to explain his total lack of thought and consideration towards you.

Original poster
amisrong · 28/08/2023 07:35

Definitely hasn't ordered anything so that's out and I know he hasn't bought anything at a shop. I'm home all day today so I will know if he goes to get anything.

OP posts: