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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annual leave

76 replies

Shablam · 26/08/2023 23:54

After providing my husband with my annual leave dates (I work in a team with several part-time workers, so my annual leave needs to work around theirs) six months ago, we finally sat down tonight to plan a break during my remaining week off in September.

All going well (i checked cat sitter was free etc), until he reveals he has not booked the time off, and his colleague is off for part of that week and so he can't be.

I became very upset, having taken his request to discuss a September holiday (and reminding him of my leave dates) to mean we could discuss and book. He called me histrionic for getting upset that we couldn't actually book a holiday because he hasn't booked annual leave. Apparently normal people book the holiday then get the time off.

I am both angry and feeling like i'm in the wrong. AIBU to think you book leave and then arrange a holiday when confirmed? And that 6 months is enough notice to sort your shit out?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 27/08/2023 00:31

I hope that in the next conversation with him you say I’m so sorry, I’ve decided to try and be more like normal people as you say they are, so I’ve booked a holidya in September (on your original dates) , you check if you can get leave , and otherwise I guess I’ll just book a flight/train ticket for just me in a week or so.

enjoy your holiday! He won’t forget to book leave to go away with his friend, it’s only you that is unimportant to him, so make sure you go on that holiday solo.

Original poster
Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:32

*to clarify - he spoke to his manager about time off in Nov for his friend's bday this week. Silly me thought he'd sorted our time off already, now i discover it wasn't ever mentioned!

OP posts:
MsRosley · 27/08/2023 00:35

He sounds like an absolute shithead. Why not go away on your own - you sound like you could do with a break from his selfishness - or go somewhere with a friend?

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 00:35

I'd be furious. What a twat.

Go somewhere fabulous without him.

Hawkins009 · 27/08/2023 00:35

Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:18

Dev, small team. His one co-worker seems to be able to be off sick/on leave at a moment's notice (he rarely is pre-warned that they will be off). He has taken around two days leave for our birthdays this year. He was discussing taking time off to visit his friend overseas in November with his boss on friday, guess he forgot time off to holiday with me...

What type of software?

Original poster
Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:36

Thank you, i will... thought it'd be nice to do something on our 1st year wedding anniversary, clearly that's fucked. Maybe divorce papers would be a better gift!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:38

Not software, web. Although i doubt it rests solely on his shoulders like he tries to make out. My job impacts far more people and i can take time off.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 27/08/2023 00:39

I've voted YANBU, because, in your situation, you have clearly had to have a specific week, and discussed it with him, at which point he needed to have booked that time off.

AIBU to think you book leave and then arrange a holiday when confirmed?

But I don't agree with this ^ as a blanket thing.
I am going away in the Autumn, with a friend. I know there is no issue with me being off in anyone of about 8 weeks. No-one does my work when I am off, so, as long as I work round a couple of diary commitments that are fixed, I can go any of those weeks. So, for me, in my situation it makes sense to find the best holiday by having that flexibility, rather than committing to one particular week.

Hawkins009 · 27/08/2023 00:40

Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:38

Not software, web. Although i doubt it rests solely on his shoulders like he tries to make out. My job impacts far more people and i can take time off.

That's understandable, it's a pickle and I understand your perspectives

Rainbowqueeen · 27/08/2023 00:40

Definitely go away on your own or with a friend.

He is gaslighting you. I’d be rethinking the marriage. It would be entirely different if he owned up to fucking up, apologised profusely and tried to see if he could get at least part of the time off to spend it with you. But he doesn’t care enough to do that

Original poster
Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:42

I agree, sorry. In both our situs you can't take leave without prior consideration, but there are those that can take leave more freely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:48

I didn't want to enter in the gaslighting area. But it feels like that. When he said i couldn't book x hotel bc he didn't have time off i was confused and asked what he meant. He then said he didn't have time off and i was upset and asked why, at which point he said something like "you always get upset, you look for a fight". I disagreed and said he wasn't honest about having time off. Then he said he didn't want to listen to me being argumentative and basically that was that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:49

I have bipolar and telling me that i'm crazy is a very effective shut-down method.

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 27/08/2023 00:53

Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:48

I didn't want to enter in the gaslighting area. But it feels like that. When he said i couldn't book x hotel bc he didn't have time off i was confused and asked what he meant. He then said he didn't have time off and i was upset and asked why, at which point he said something like "you always get upset, you look for a fight". I disagreed and said he wasn't honest about having time off. Then he said he didn't want to listen to me being argumentative and basically that was that.

Seems very odd that he's trying to shut down the conversation he didn't get the time off and was avoiding it

Original poster
Shablam · 27/08/2023 01:12

I agree. Was quite shocked that he turned on me tbh. I thought it was going to be a pleasant evening planning a holiday. He's probably cheating.

OP posts:
Asiatoyork · 27/08/2023 01:21

Totally go away on your own.

I'm a line manager and the wife of one one of my staff emails me direct to book his leave- I know her- she used to work in our dept and moved on

I am amazed by this. No way would I be enabling this as a line manager.

Codlingmoths · 27/08/2023 04:57

Asiatoyork · 27/08/2023 01:21

Totally go away on your own.

I'm a line manager and the wife of one one of my staff emails me direct to book his leave- I know her- she used to work in our dept and moved on

I am amazed by this. No way would I be enabling this as a line manager.

Wow. I would not support this. I would call the wife so she knows I’m on her side and explain. Then I would tell my team that if you can’t manage booking your own leave please tell me if you need extra support to do your job and we have our employee assistance program if they think they need that kind of help. Then I’d watch what time he was leaving and send him home to help with the kids if I thought he was procrastinating.
Nobody in my team is ever getting a promotion if they can’t book their own leave.

MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams · 27/08/2023 05:27

Shablam · 27/08/2023 01:12

I agree. Was quite shocked that he turned on me tbh. I thought it was going to be a pleasant evening planning a holiday. He's probably cheating.

Well that took a turn. Why do you think he's cheating? He sounds defensive at this point because he forgot to book time off with you.

VictoriaVenkman · 27/08/2023 06:10

Sorry OP, sounds like he doesn't want to holiday with you and thought not getting leave would be an acceptable excuse.

NameChanged0800 · 27/08/2023 06:38

He's being unreasonable and what he says doesn't make sense. So book the holiday per your dates then he can book his leave around the booked holiday then? but he can't because his colleague is off so he actually needs to book a holiday around when he can take leave not the other way round. But he's telling you that's not how it works... you will never win this argument because he's illogical and being really unfair when he should just say that he's sorry. Book a holiday. He can join you for part of it or not. Keep doing this and he might get the message. you can't put holiday happiness in his hands as you'll never get any with his attitude. he's prioritising his work over your relationship/you in this circumstance. you can prioritise yourself and not feel guilty.

Cakecakecheese · 27/08/2023 07:10

The holiday booking thing is the least of your issues. He doesn't listen and acts like a petulant child when you bring up very legitimate points.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 27/08/2023 07:15

My DBIL pulled the sane stunt this year. We'd all booked the leave, and the holiday 6 months before. We went without him.

AlisonDonut · 27/08/2023 07:15

Apparently normal people book the holiday then get the time off.

If this was true, why isn't he doing that?

WaltzingWaters · 27/08/2023 07:21

Shablam · 27/08/2023 00:19

Very tempted. So far i've wasted 2 weeks at home because he didn't book time off. I think having my own holiday is the solution.

Definitely go somewhere alone. I love a solo trip. Just make sure you have some good books lined up.

MikeRafone · 27/08/2023 07:23

He’s fucked up, so rather than admit that he turns the tables on you. An immature way to behave.

id take myself off for a weeks solo holiday, yoga or walking something you enjoy with other people