Jealous of other parents with a village

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I know I'm being unfair but it feels like everyone we know with small children has a huge village of grandparents etc and they get to live a life outside of their little ones , my daughter is nearly 3 and despite all grandparents being alive and within an hours drive (some much closer) we have no help whatsoever and constant demands to bring our little one to them so they can take a picture and tell everyone what a great grandparent they are with no actual help even when we are there. I thought I had made my peace with this when she was younger but a lot of friends have babies right now and they are constantly posting about going on date nights and other things with their partners whilst grandparents help and we honestly have struggled so much and our relationship really suffered and I'm feeling resentment and the green eyed monster surfacing even though it's not their fault that we struggled so much. My daughter has only just started sleeping through and didn't go to a childcare setting so I didn't know anyone to ask and didn't feel like I could leave her with a stranger which is probably my own fault but I found it really really hard. I'm finding it so hard to be empathetic especially when they complain about it being difficult. Help me not to be such a terrible friend please . I know it's difficult with a little one and it's all about perspective and I don't know what happens behind closed doors but when someone complains that they have it so hard when they have weekly date nights and nights away it makes me want to scream.

I'm a lone parent OP so I do get how you feel.

I say this with kindness but you have to get over the childcare setting/baby sitting thing.

The grandparents aren't obliged to help out but honestly I'd put some more boundaries in place about always travelling to see them. They should come to you if they are fit and able to drive at least some of the time.

Get a babysitter, it will change your life. Also, paying for childcare means you don’t feel like there are any favours to return.

Be more assertive, OP. The next time you are asked to round, insist you are busy but could drop DC off and collect later.

Rinse and repeat.

I can relate completely OP, especially to the part about not wanting to leave them with a stranger. This is totally unhelpful but it's the kind of thing that just annoys me but I don't want to change because it's now gone on so long that I wouldn't trust anyone with him - IABU I know!

I'm a lone parent, I get you. It is what it is unfortunately. No way would I have used a babysitter, leaving my child alone one on one with a stranger would not have been comfortable for me.

Okay, OP, time for a little perspective:

I'm a lone parent of ND twins, aged 5.5. I have no parents alive to help, I have not dated nor had a night out with friends for 6 years. Even when I had major abdominal surgery last Christmas, I had to discharge myself after 2 days to get on with looking after my twins etc.

Never once have I envied others because if I'm sincerely struggling, like I was after my operation, to get help in.

So, I'm not being "poor me" or "my life is harder", but if you have it in your means to build a support network (which all of us have the capability of doing) or pay for help, DO IT.

Get a babysitter

I used to be but now they're grown and we're so close I'm glad it was just us

I feel for you op. It takes a village and when you don't have one it's a struggle. I found a babysitter, recommended by a friend who was DBS checked and we started to go out first just for an hour and slowly built a relationship with her. It was a godsend. Consider it, sometimes you just need a little break.

We’ve very rarely had evening baby sitters but now DC at school we can sometimes do stuff during the day, is that an option?

To get the 'village' to help you how have you helped in the 'village' yourself?

Do you babysit for others or do other things for other people?

I honestly do not know how women cope. I think it is so hard for mums in the west given the family setup. I am a lone parent but have a beautiful close knit family who live further away. It wasn't so bad with one child but now with two it is so difficult. I honestly feel like women in the west have made life so hard for themselves. Why are we doing everything? ... even with supportive and amazing partners it's so hard. The truth is, I want my kids to be around aunties, uncles, grandparents. I'm going to be moving soon to be close to family again because I could not do it. Getting out and just popping in to my sister's or cousins for a cuppa are the things I need. It's not even about getting any major help, it is just about seeing people in a easy and flexible way and having a natter and rant. I hope things get better for you, it isn't easy and you are doing an amazing job.

This is so true. Everyone wants a village when it is their turn and I am guilty of this myself. Thankfully my village is a strong one and I cared for a lot of them when I was younger so I can reap the rewards now.

I have the same problem. Grandparents are either too elderly or too busy to help. No aunties or uncles. No friends with similar age kids to do a childcare swap. No kids in the street to play with. I mentioned the difficulties to another school mum - she shrugged and said we moved house for exactly this reason, to be in a street with other kids the same age, so we could share childcare and entertain the kids. Unfortunately we don’t have that option. It sucks. We haven’t had a couple date for years and we will probably end up divorced because of it.

It's just luck really l suppose.
I never got any help but then again l didn't have any expectations beforehand, my parents being the way they were and l never got to meet family on my late husband's side. When my children were young l did sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself and for them, l felt like we were missing out. But now mine are young adults l feel proud that is did it all myself, l got no one else to be thankful for, and more importantly l have a really strong close bond. My children know without a doubt who was there for them and who wasnt, and they really respect me as they know the enormity involved in doing it all yourself.

You are so right, women in the west have made it so hard for themselves. Many Grandparents don't feel they can offer help because they feel they will be seen as interfering or insinuating that the mother can't cope. Grandparents that do help are criticised to hell or met with a list of demands. So many threads on here about how awful the older generation were at raising children. No wonder may relatives don't bother. Mums want childcare on their terms only, well you can't have it all your own way.
I spend a lot of my time providing care for my Grandchildren, Daughter just leaves me to get on with knowing that i am more than capable of keeping her children safe. DIL is another matter, she micro manages every aspect of childcare, from how to prepare a bottle, what temperature it should be at, how to hold the baby and the bottle etc Now the baby is a toddler mum is even worse. I wouldn't mind but i have raised my own and worked in Early Years for 2 decades, i really don't need to be told how important it is that i read and play with the little one throughout the day, especially by someone that spends her time scrolling on her phone even when her little one is desperately trying to get her attention and who i have yet to see sitting on the floor playing with her toddler.
There is a whole army of relatives out there who are more than happy to spend time with the children but are put off. Sometimes mums are their own worst enemy. As a child i was often taken out for the day by a family friend, he was widowed young and never remarried. He would often take me to the beach, the circus or the cinema, nothing untoward just a man that never got to have his own children, no mother would allow that these days but he was just a lovely caring man.

I was the first to have a baby within my immediate family same with DH and extended family very far away, I have been called on to help with many things and always did. Getting shopping when sick and looking after pets to help out when on holiday. You really couldn't find a more helpful and asked person. Before the baby was conceived there was constant pressure to have the baby and that they would help, promises again when pregnant. Then nothing. They would come and take pictures then leave when she was newborn, no asking how I was or offering to help, I had an emergency c section and my DH went back to work with 2 jobs within the first week , working from home but not really able to help unless it was an emergency. We both begged our families for help, she had horrific colic and screamed for hours on end. We had no support, even emotional on the end of a phone. I would have done anything and would have been more than happy with any care or babysitting as long as she was safe that would have been my only ask. But no. Honestly the lack of support has probably affected both of us and how we see our families. Because we know now deep down that they did not care that we were both struggling, my DH really struggled with the birth and had real problems with bonding with her because of it. He was so scared and ashamed but her crying really triggered him and made him feel angry. So I always had to be around and ready to take her back. He really tried to help as much as he humanly could. He was and is the most gentle and loving man and this broke him. He still looks back at that time with horror as he now has bonded with and loves her more than life itself. I will never know why they refused to help, my mum retired early and complains often of being bored and both of our mums complain that we don't bring the children to them every weekend. Even recently I was struck down with a potentially life changing illness and was too unwell to even get out of bed and had to hear from my mother how bored and tired she is yet never coming to help even though there is literally nothing stopping her. Fortunately I am now on the mend but I have to say I feel like I am judging them because they all don't hesitate to ask us for favours and help.

Similar except the GPs are almost all dead so at least we're not obliged to visit them . I wouldn't stick with the obligation visits though - can't they visit you? Or you drop the kids off and have lunch out with your partner?

I really really struggled with not having any backup until DD started nursery and suddenly it was like we'd bought the 'village' to help. Reliable, trustworthy childcare. We could take annual leave and have a childfree day out. Made such a difference.

We have stuck with that rather than paying for babysitters (we've had 5 evening meals out together in total in 7 years). But it does get easier - once they're big enough for play dates you can reciprocate with friends. Sign them up for Beavers/Rainbows/Brownies and they start going away overnight so you get room to breathe.

Me and dh have no family to even pass the time of day with. Its been 19 years and never really had that kind of relationship either. You get over it eventually. I don't really think of either set of in laws as in laws any more. They are more like distant aunts and uncles to me. I think it all comes home to roost for these disinterested GP. Your kids will never be expected as adults to go round for Sunday dinner or mow there lawn for example.

Honestly your not alone, it's quite the norm now. Grandparents benefited from close family units themselves but they have too full lives to do that themselves.

For example mil is living her best life ever, traveling non stop etc which is great, but she has no right to expect the grown up kids to put her before living their best lives ever. No one wants to spend time with whiney kids. No teen wants to mow a strangers lawn or bond in their 20s with someone who has kept them at a sanitised arms life their entire lives

I feel you OP.

Some of us have to hire our village.

Get a babysitter, get to know them and build some trust. It will change your life.

Not every mum has helpful relatives available, OP. I was widowed with no warning - DH died at 36 of a brain haemorrhage, leaving me with a baby and a toddler. My nearest relatives were 5 hours drive away and they worked full time, so couldn’t give me any assistance. I struggled to bring my DDs up alone while working a high stress job as a hospital doctor and grieving my much loved DH.
I had one weekend away from my DDs in the whole 18 years of their childhood.

You have the option to make your own village by using nursery, babysitters etc which is a choice you have decided against.

They don't stay strangers. Might be worth reconsidering.

Apologies I am confused, you said you are a lone parent and that with one it wasn't so bad, but now with two it's difficult. So does that mean you had one child became a lone parent, then had a second and became a lone parent again.

We have make the changes. Op we had zero help. I got local babysitters otherwise would never get out. My sisters did odd bit I returned the favours. It is hard school mams had tons help some people are lucky