Jealous of other parents with a village

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I know I'm being unfair but it feels like everyone we know with small children has a huge village of grandparents etc and they get to live a life outside of their little ones , my daughter is nearly 3 and despite all grandparents being alive and within an hours drive (some much closer) we have no help whatsoever and constant demands to bring our little one to them so they can take a picture and tell everyone what a great grandparent they are with no actual help even when we are there. I thought I had made my peace with this when she was younger but a lot of friends have babies right now and they are constantly posting about going on date nights and other things with their partners whilst grandparents help and we honestly have struggled so much and our relationship really suffered and I'm feeling resentment and the green eyed monster surfacing even though it's not their fault that we struggled so much. My daughter has only just started sleeping through and didn't go to a childcare setting so I didn't know anyone to ask and didn't feel like I could leave her with a stranger which is probably my own fault but I found it really really hard. I'm finding it so hard to be empathetic especially when they complain about it being difficult. Help me not to be such a terrible friend please . I know it's difficult with a little one and it's all about perspective and I don't know what happens behind closed doors but when someone complains that they have it so hard when they have weekly date nights and nights away it makes me want to scream.

You’ve chosen not to use childcare. I sometimes feel envious of people I know who have multiple family members who can help with babysitting etc, but I don’t, and that’s the way it is. So we looked for alternatives - e.g. having a date afternoon while DD was at nursery, and once she’s a bit older (she’s 5 now) we can look into paid babysitters or swapping favours with friends for evenings.

Have you been clear about what you would like from grandparents ? If so and they don’t want to (their right!) then pay for a babysitter !!!

Oh I'm the same op

We live abroad, my parents are back in the UK so aren't involved on a regular basis

DH's family either live far, are too old or have teenagers so can't be bothered helping us

I see these people on days out with Grandma, grandad etc and it does make me sad. Although I know it's not always a bed of roses with family close all the time!

@Mummyof2Cubs but siblings can be childless by choice or due to infertility. So in those cases they don't want to be around kids too much. Or they are in same boat and working ( living in west is expensive, house not cheap for multi generationliving set up). I think that's easier to swallow for me personally. Mil who had her parents practically coparentung with her, telling me how she grew up in her cousins and aunts houses but wants no part of her own gc lives I don't get at all. Family was important here a few generations ago. But with people living longer I guess they want to make the best of good health or working. Meanwhile GC grow up so once the gp are frail and have time, want that company, the bonds not formed.

I can't see how im going to be a big part of my kids lives when they are adults as that's never been modeled to them. But I want to be.

Lots of families do manage it, lots don't but its choices and priorities. Gp don't owe anyone their presence, but they must respect backwards that there the gc don't owe it either.

Clap clap clap! Bravo @Ontheperiphery79 you are so amazing.
Why can't we all be like you and never once envy others?

Your comment is so unhelpful and lacks empathy to an unbelievable extent. Do you have any self-awareness?

Having 'a village' does not mean one of two older women doing childcare for you. It means a community where all the adults give an eye to all the children, looking out for their safety, telling them off if required, older parents offering advice to younger ones....
As much as the extra help with childcare may be appreciated, most parents wouldn't want the whole package of that, and when as a society with threw out that sort of community thinking, moving away from older people, expecting them to get on with their own lives so we could focus on our 'own little family' where we reign supreme, the useful parts often went with it.
It is hard to have no help OP, but this is the society we have now, and I can't see that changing.

Is there a reason you haven’t used childcare?

Both my parents are alive (and the step parents) and my partners mum moved 300miles to be closer to us and we never have any help from them. They’re all retired and it does hurt, especially when they’re saying how bored they are with nothing to do. My grandparents practically raised me and my brother and I loved having that relationship with them. My cousins all have very present parents who are involved daily with with their grandchildren but our parents are all narcissists who had no interest in their own kids let alone grandkids. The village burned down for us meaning we socialise separately so one stays with the kids. Babysitters aren’t really an option as we don’t have enough money to pay one.

It’s quite a lonely existence and I envy those who have involved grandparents who in turn assume we’re all in the same boat with the same supports. On the bright side I spend way more time with my kids than my parents did with me and I know what they missed out on.

I feel for you .My DGM was like a second Mum to me,I could pop over whenever I liked as a child and later with DD.My Mum helped too,although not keen on "Overnights" We occasionally went for a WE away, to a Premier Inn or similar with DC.Not a complete break ,but surprisingly refreshed from a break from the "Norm" At home can you see if another Mum might like a swap maybe? Not everyone has help on tap ,so you may have to look at options like Nursery ,even a day or two ? Maybe a young A level student might be worth considering .

I sympathise. It was the same for us. Two young DC, one with complex medical needs. Never any time off. No date nights. I used to feel eaten up with jealousy at friends who returned to work while their mothers looked after the babies or who went off for weekends away while the grandparents cared for the children. I had also done this for my own siblings before we had DC but everyone scarpered and we got zero help.

It was hard but it made Dh and i closer. We learned to have fun with dc as we never got to have a break from them. And I ended up feeling a lot less duty twards my extremely demanding parents when they got older. I remember the shock on their faces when I pointed out we weren't really that close any more as they had never shown any interest in DN, never had them to stay or offered to babysit. They couldn't say anything as it was true.

I didn't have a village so I made one. Could you do this?
I made myself go to mum and baby group (with PND) to try and get a network. It took time but now I have a group of 6 mum pals who will take DD if I need (including overnights) I babysit a lot but it's much easier now the kids are older and amuse themselves.
My mum is wonderful but works and I would never have expected her to prioritise DD over her own security.
I know it's easier said than done, but if you want the village, you have to look for it elsewhere if family isn't an option.

I was going to say this.

You have my sympathy and understanding. We have no help from our families at all and at times it has been very, very difficult. The jealousy has felt like a stab in the heart when I see my friend’s kids out with their grandparents, having sleepovers so the parents can go out for dinner or even for a weekend away. DH and I haven’t had a child free night out since I was pregnant with our first.

The worst is when they complain about how hard they have it, when really they have no idea.

Have you asked the grandparents to babysit op? Have you told them you're struggling and need input from them?

I know how you feel OP. All my ds' grandparents are dead and my ex didn't help at all so I was alone. Those first years are tiring and a constant logistical challenge. Even getting my hair cut every 6 weeks took organisation.

Hang in there. It does get better quickly. As soon as they start school, there will be the occasional play date to give you a breather, but make sure you return the favour.

The planning practice will come in handy for summer holidays (have holiday club booked by mid-May) 😊

I hear you op. I feel the same way.

I listened to my friends mum gush the other day about how she loves picking her grandkids up from nursery and school and taking them to soft play or somewhere on the weekends. My kids haven't even been bought a sweet from the shop by my parents. They're 12 and 4.

I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents and my children do not have that.

I never had much help OP. We did have GPs locally who would babysit occasionally but only when child was asleep and basically they just sat there, even then it wasn't ideal as they would turn up late when it suited them. Literally never got to drop a child off to go to a dr appt or shops for an hour. I often and still do feel bitter towards friends who just took it all as normal, kids wearing a nice outfit that granny bought or mentioning that they were dropping off the little one to get their hair done etc.

I get why you are envious but can't understand why you don't get a sitter, if you don't then it's your own choice to not go out. Many many people don't have family around and they just get on with it.

I find this difficult to swallow too tbh. When I was first pregnant we had promises of help, our wider family was very close and we had big Christmas meals, in and out of each others homes etc.
Then when DC1 was about 7 months old, my parents and DH parent both died within a month of each other, unexpectedly and tragically.
Then two of my aunts dies in the following 5 months and an uncle then attempted to steal from the estates.

This obviously divided the family, half of them don't speak to each other, the friends we were closest too moved away and we suddenly had no parents to help us as the remaining spouses fell to pieces (understandably). In the blink of an eye it seems our village literally disappeared.

I've had around 4 nights out in 7 years, 6 of them without DH. The one with DH we had to come home early and without being able to relax with a glass of wine so he could take the babysitter home.

Our marriage has suffered so much.

Regardless of people saying families aren't supposed to help out, you should know that you're doing this alone when going in to it, I never, ever, in a million years would of thought it would be so hard.

I've had to drag whining toddlers to the dentist with me and have half the waiting room stare. Take them with me to hospital appointments, opticians and boring errands.

I recently needed to be with DH after a surgery he had and they wouldn't allow children in so that was that, I couldn't go.

I got friendly with a girl from work and she had 2 weekends a month child free as her mum let her kids stay over. She spent this time travelling to nice hotels and having city and spa breaks with her DH.

To my shame I couldn't stomach it, I just couldn't. I'm SO tired. I have nothing left by the time it comes to weekends. She would invite me out for drinks but I'm so tired, the one time I went I spent the whole time yawning and was so embarrassed.

We weren't meant to do this alone, it's so sad.

My parents were struggling with health issues and also too far away to help with my dc, they couldn’t do the two hour drive to me. My in-laws weren’t any help either. It was really, really hard at times. We’d had to move to a new area with a toddler and new baby, and so I had no friends at first. I was exhausted and lonely. I really don’t think humans are designed to bring up children like this, alone or as a couple, with no other people around for support. I see the difference with a good friend of mine who is an incredible mother and grandma, how she has supported her children by helping with grandchildren as they live nearby. I have another friend who has a demanding career but still helps a lot with her grandchild , again her daughter lives a five minute walk away.
I think that living near to your parents and siblings really helps when you have babies and small children , and that women these days are expected to just cope with everything, in a way that previous generations were not. It makes a huge difference to your happiness and well-being, and to your marriage, whether you have enough support or not.
Healthy and loving, helpful parents living close are an absolute gift when you have a baby.

So I suffered from burnout and quite severe bullying causing me to leave a job and profession that I actually loved and worked hard in for ten years , i was due to start another job in a different career when I became pregnant and had such severe Morning sickness that I couldn't start ( for 8 out of nine months I had to carry a sick bowl everywhere) my partner and I agreed that we could just about afford me to stay at home for the length that most mums have maternity leave. I now have a job that is flexible enough I can work at home in the evening, the pay isn't great but it means I haven't had to pay for childcare. So I know that I am lucky that I can choose to be home with her but that has come with a year of not being able to see my partner properly as we are both working in the evening. So I am the childcare for a lively toddler all day and the minute she's asleep I work for about 4 hours and then go to sleep (until she wakes up which can still happen during the night currently although is better than it was). We have decided this isn't really tenable anymore as I became so run down I became quite seriously unwell recently, she is due to start preschool 1 day a week from September. Childcare is very expensive and we can't afford more than this currently but when she turns 3 hopefully she can go more.

I know what you mean. It is so tough. Things have really changed and I don't think it's for the better.

I sacrificed my village for a better career and here I am, with a beautiful house, financially stable but I feel empty. I don't think living this way is worth it. Having a community is fantastic.

I was a sibling without kids for a while and I helped out a lot without even realising. My other siblings without kids also help the others who do too. I come from a huge family so burdens were always shared very easily without people noticing. We paid for everyone's weddings together, took care of the kids together, cooked together. I was only 15 and helping out a hell of a lot but I didn't feel it because it was fun at the time.

My family all live together, some all in one house and some walking distance and it's really nice for them.

Agree you have to get over the idea that grandparents are there to help out (unless an emergency) They’ve done their job, just let them enjoy them being grandparents. If you don’t fancy taking them over there then don’t, you’ve got not obligation to do that either. Don’t take them and then resent them for taking pride in them.
We don’t have family that can help out either, we get a babysitter for special occasions and hire out a film on Amazon prime so we can have a ‘date night’ it’s not our parents job to still be facilitating our social lives

I get what you mean op, I’m in the same position with no help, although it’s because all our family is too far away. You really need to pay for a babysitter and/or childcare. My dd goes to nursery in the week and although we work in that time, we can use annual leave days to have a bit of time to ourselves. We also use babysitters.

If you read my other replies yes I have and my partner has. We've literally begged and been at our wits end with needing help. I've never demanded anything and we've always bent over backwards to help both my parents and my in-laws. I don't understand why they don't, they are completely able , not elderly but they just want to go and enjoy their life which I guess is their prerogative but it has been a very difficult pill to swallow and does leave both myself and my husband feeling like they really don't care.

My ex and I moved to London in the seventies. His parents were very helpful, but both still working and lived about an hour away. I joined the local baby sitting circle,are they a thing of the past?