Jealous of other parents with a village

[blipblopblip]

I know I'm being unfair but it feels like everyone we know with small children has a huge village of grandparents etc and they get to live a life outside of their little ones , my daughter is nearly 3 and despite all grandparents being alive and within an hours drive (some much closer) we have no help whatsoever and constant demands to bring our little one to them so they can take a picture and tell everyone what a great grandparent they are with no actual help even when we are there. I thought I had made my peace with this when she was younger but a lot of friends have babies right now and they are constantly posting about going on date nights and other things with their partners whilst grandparents help and we honestly have struggled so much and our relationship really suffered and I'm feeling resentment and the green eyed monster surfacing even though it's not their fault that we struggled so much. My daughter has only just started sleeping through and didn't go to a childcare setting so I didn't know anyone to ask and didn't feel like I could leave her with a stranger which is probably my own fault but I found it really really hard. I'm finding it so hard to be empathetic especially when they complain about it being difficult. Help me not to be such a terrible friend please . I know it's difficult with a little one and it's all about perspective and I don't know what happens behind closed doors but when someone complains that they have it so hard when they have weekly date nights and nights away it makes me want to scream.

The only times I've ever heard of a baby sitting circle are from people who had kids in the 70s or maybe 80s!

I've found the class WhatsApp useful though - in an emergency people really do rally round. One mum needed cancer treatment and other parents set up a rota to get her children to school and back and feed them. Same when we moved house, someone would happily take DD to keep her out of the way. But it doesn't seem to be used for regular babysitting.

As everyone has said - many many parents have no help at all. It is not true to think that 'everybody' else has help. They really don't. A village is the community you build around yourself, the people who live within 15 minutes of your house.

Sleepless nights are stressful and full sympathies OP. It is not your parents fault that your child was hard for you to manage (colic and not sleeping as you've described), it's nobody's fault.

I honestly don't think that the odd night out or away will be the panacea you think it is - some babies are just generally easier than others.

From the outside looking in, there are two adults in your household taking care of one child, and you have not chosen to use any childcare up until now.

(Imagine if you had to miss sleep all this time and get into the office every weekday, regardless? So many parents are in this position.)

You can definitely make practical plans to have time to yourself, if that is what you feel you are missing. This is a problem you can solve:

1. ask local mums who they know, trust and would recommend to babysit. Meet and spend time with the babysitter so you become comfortable with her/him.
2. alternate with your husband; so that each of you has equal childcare responsibilities and time out after work
3. your daughter is sleeping through now so you have your nights free to spend as a couple, or separately with friends
4. investigate local nursery preschools, visit a few and enrol your daughter for an afternoon or morning session, building up the time.
5. spend time; that you can, with other mums of toddlers so you can let off steam in an understanding environment

I'd rather use a paid village and use formal childcare so are beholden to no one as GP age. If everyone pays for the help they need we all know where we stand.

I agree it is hard. My DM is dead and my dad is not well, so no 'help'. They go to nursery and school which means my finances are insanely tight and I can barely sleep at the moment for worrying about money. We haven't ever had a date night 😂 and no date days. Well, we just do everything all together. That's life I guess but sometimes I get my tiny violin out to myself!

My parents offered us no help, in fact they actually point blank refused when we were desperate and had to ask them to watch their grandchildren.
Luckily my sister would have them now and again, and I had her children too so it worked out (talking a few times a year each, no weekly date nights!)
The irony is, my grandmother had me and my sister all of the time, she covered every school holiday for my parents when we were young....I will never understand my mother (nc now for various reasons).
My relationship with my husband is hanging on by a thread, the kids are teenagers now but it's too late really. We've grown apart and it's not something a few dates can fix anymore, my sister has already split up from her partner (they managed 18 years together).
Anyway, I am now nc with my parents like I said so they won't be getting any care from me, I looked after my grandmother when she became ill and continued to do so until her death. I fully intend to babysit any grandchildren I have as often as possible.
I entirely get being jealous of those who have a village. It makes life so much easier.

I'm curious as to what they actually say when you ask them outright to babysit. Do they actually just say no or do they make an excuse and you drop the subject. Op I've been where you are and I also have been a single parent to two children and do I get that it's exhausting. But you need to find your voice and give the lazy grandparents an ultimatum. If they can't be bothered to babysit once a month then you can't be bothered to spend your precious time taking your child to visit them.

@cushioncovers In my case they just said 'no, we are too busy'.
They didn't work and the most exciting day of their week was going to the co-op on Monday!

You've absolutely done the right thing but the sounds of it going NC. As I say to my widowed father who moans that people including me aren't rallying around him since my mother passed. 'You reap what you sow'

Yep, 'you reap what you sow' is pretty much my mantra these days.
I cared for my grandmother as I knew she cared about me and she doted on my children. I was happy to give up my time to make her life more comfortable.
I couldn't care less about my parents old age, they will have to work it out.

@Mamoun I struggle to empathise, as I'm Autistic (not all Autistic people struggle with empathy, but I do).

I don't really feel my comment warranted your effusive sarcasm, but hope it has made you feel better.

Sorry, @blipblopblip for sounding unsupportive and negative. Sounds, from your updates, that you and your OH have been through a lot and I'm sorry your family haven't been there for you.

I'm with you OP. My dc are almost 15 and almost 12. We've never found a reliable babysitter. DH and I have got so used to going out without each other over the years - we've seen more films in my PiL's nearest town than ours!

A set of neighbours became like surrogate grandparents for DS. Our parents lived miles away and their family lived miles away (ironically in the same town as my FIL for a few years) so they would babysit for us. We reciprocated by helping them if they needed anything (especially during COVID times)

I think you’re sad/jealous about having disinterested grandparents rather than not having a village as such. I get it. Our grandparents on both sides are both alive and healthy but not really interested. My parents in particular are like yours - a few pictures of the kids to post on Facebook with some gushing nonsense about how great it is being a grandparent and they’re done. I find it really hard not to feel jealous of families who have fantastic grandparents. I feel sad about the lack of help but more than anything I feel sad about how my kids won’t really have a relationship with their grandparents. You can’t form a relationship with a child by taking a few phone pics of them every couple of months - you have to put the hours in, and it makes me sad that my parents can’t be arsed to do that.

It’s just luck, like everything else in life. But LOADS of families have no help. I live in the south east and obviously people often move round here for work. For every family I know who’ve got amazing family support, I know a family who don’t have any help from extended family at all.

I really sympathise but you aren’t alone. And I do feel proud of me and DH for being quite independent as parents.

@Ontheperiphery79

If you struggle to emphasise, I'm sorry for you. Maybe refrain from commenting on thread where people need support.

What do they say when you beg and plead for help? I just can't imagine having parents like that, or indeed if I become a grandparent, I can't imagine watching my daughter struggle, not offer any help, and then having the audacity to complain I'm bored. I really feel for you. I know grandparents aren't obliged to help but to ignore your cries for help is pretty heartless.

To give you some hope, we found the village started when our eldest got to school. We've always had bits and bobs of grandparent help in an emergency but a day or two a year isn't much and they were too far away and busy for more. By the time we had our third we had friends that would take our older kids so we could go for an appointment or pick them up after school so we could work late, and we did it to them.

i do still struggle a bit though when people talk about how hard they've got it and I'm looking at all the help they have.

@Mamoun

I took on board what you said about how I came across, however I really don't require you or anyone else to feel 'sorry' for me for struggling to empathise, thanks.

It is really helpful when people challenge constructively (without suppurating sarcasm or superciliousness).

Anyone can comment where they like. The OP can disregard if they want to.

Hi OP. It’s hard when others around you seem to have loads of help. My DM passed away while I was pregnant with my first, and I’d give anything just for her to meet my DC. My DF isn’t well enough to help, but feel so blessed to still have one parent, I make sure he gets to spend time with them both. DP’s parents have each child one half day a week, which I’m grateful for. We never get to go out, as it’s hard to get anyone to look after both DC. I suppose I’m saying that not everyone had this wonderful village you described, but hopefully as children get older, you’ll meet others in a similar position and you can help each other.

How interested in them were you before you wanted help with the kids? I have a family member who was totally disinterested until she was looking for baby sitters. What do you do for them?