Neighbour that I feel pressured to please

[Tracy424]

I bought a house about 5 months ago and it has a nice reasonable patch of grass at the front with some nice hedges and a tree at the bottom which I love. I keep the grass nice and neat

the issue is everytime I bump into my next door neighbour she makes a comment like “I would get that tree trimmed back” “are you going to do something about that hedge as it’s going brown on a small patch” etc etc

im a single mum, 2 children and just started a new job, I feel like saying “look this is my garden and it doesn’t touch yours there is a path in between” am I being unreasonable?

YANBU

Ha I have a neighbour like this and always reply “haha yes it’s on the list, I’m sure we’ll get round to it someday” and then continue on my merry way.

Yes this. Or "oh thanks for pointing that out. Have a great day" don't even stop to chat just say "hi I must go um so busy. Have a great day"

YANBU Smile and nod, then ignore her and do whatever suits you.

I literally said “it’s on my radar” 😂, I felt like saying “all I can hear is you screaming at your grandchildren and your dog barking, but I didn’t of course

Yes will try this as at the moment I end up engaging in conversation and she brings up more things. She has her out door space looking lovely and is always out doing gardening, painting her fence etc, but I happened to drop by to pick up a parcel and inside her house was like a full on bomb had hit it!

An alternative to the vague and breezy is to nip it in the bud: ‘oh, I like the tree to look more natural’ or ‘ I expect the hedge is fine. I’ll just see how it goes’.

You don’t have to keep your garden the way she would.

Oh I'd be letting that tree grow its little heart out. It'd never be trimmed again.

YANBU.

And take a word of warning from me. People who start out with “well meaning advice” invariably turn into micromanaging control freaks.

I had a neighbour who started with “well intended” advice about how I could manage my bins. It escalated through various ridiculous incidents to the point where I applied for a restraining order on her (she thankfully moved out shortly afterwards).

Start as you mean to go on. Polite but firm. Thanks for your interest but I won’t be doing this. Don’t engage or explain. The more you engage with people like this the more power they feel they have over you.

My dad does this. Becomes obsessed with some minor job, and reminds me about it, asks if I’ve done it yet. I’m very busy, and it’s not important. But he can’t understand this!

When she asks you aren't you going to do whatever, smile and say nope. I like it.

OP you should have said "Oh those clothes need folding and those chaies need pushing in. Plus the table needs a wipe" lol

Is there any chance your neighbour is bored and perhaps hoping you'll tell them they can crack on with it if they like??

I look at my new neighbours overgrown jungle quite alot and wish I could get my hands on it. She's a full time nurse working shifts , single mum, and she's told me multiple times how she would love it to be sorted but she doesn't have the hours in the day. I love gardening but feel proper cheeky offering to give her lawn a quick mow when I do mine so I've kept shut 🤦🏻‍♀️

😂😂 eee can you imagine!

I think maybe that has something to do with it, however with the tree she said “you should just get someone out to cut it, it would only be about £80”

I felt like saying no probs if you’re going to pay for it

My friend mum is the same 🫣

Oh my word!!!! A restraining order!!! I’m so sorry that happened to you that must have been awful and stress you just don’t need ❤️

Something like “I would get that tree trimmed back” I would say 'Ok' as this doesn't really need a response.

Something like “are you going to do something about that hedge as it’s going brown on a small patch” I would say 'Probably not'.

Short answers, broken record.

Either that or pretend not to hear.

I always think the key with people like this is to pick one phrase that works with all her "suggestions" and repeat the exact same words, every time. The broken record nature of it really highlights to the other person how often they're doing it.

Depending on how stern you want to be, you could use:

I'm happy with it the way it is!
Not now, but thanks.
Oh, I don't need any tips right now.
Etc.

Don't give an inch here OP-she's testing your boundaries at this stage and if she thinks she can walk all over you she will.

Just tell her it's your tree/grass/house and you'll keep it as you want to keep it.

I say to such people:

"You want me to care and I just can't manage it"

My mum is exactly the same - has no relevance to her life whatsoever if we have trimmed our tree / jet washed the drive / cleaned out the shed but she obsesses about these little things in Every.Single.Conversation 🙄

Our neighbour did this. He has a lovely garden as opposed to ours where I just cut the grass and hope for the best - no clue what's a flower or a weed! After several months of not very subtle hinting he now just cuts our side of the hedge when he does his. I often come home from work to find him pottering in our garden. I think he just gave up on me ever finding the time or motivation to do it 🫣

Yanbu, tell her if it bothers her that much she is more than welcome to come and do it herself, seeing as you've got two kids and a ft job to be getting on with. God I hate people who pull this kind of passive aggressive crap😠

Yes just check my posting history about the woman next door to me!