Neighbour that I feel pressured to please

[Tracy424]

I bought a house about 5 months ago and it has a nice reasonable patch of grass at the front with some nice hedges and a tree at the bottom which I love. I keep the grass nice and neat

the issue is everytime I bump into my next door neighbour she makes a comment like “I would get that tree trimmed back” “are you going to do something about that hedge as it’s going brown on a small patch” etc etc

im a single mum, 2 children and just started a new job, I feel like saying “look this is my garden and it doesn’t touch yours there is a path in between” am I being unreasonable?

We had neighbours like this in our last house. They were always on at us about something in our garden that needed doing. Our garden was fine, it was just it didn't look as nice as theirs.

The wife even when so far as to push weed killer through the door. That was the last straw as it spilled everywhere and ds was learning to crawl at the time. I'm not proud of it but the next time I saw her I screamed at her until she was sobbing. Bloody woman admitted the weedkiller was for a fruit tree. Like WTF how stupid can you get.

Still they never bothered us again and we moved away not long after.

Agree with others. Our neighbour started off a bit like this and eventually became a prize PITA. We now don't engage at all. It's lovely 🤣

“Look, I appreciate that you’re trying to be helpful, but it’s actually very intrusive. I have other priorities atm.”

So someone with gardening knowledge that can pick out what needs doing is marked as over involved or a busy body. God help us all if society is going this way. Why not take it as the conversation it clearly is and be polite. You don't have to be best friends but being civil costs nothing.

This!

Oh my word, there is a corner shop just behind her gate otherwise you walk all the way round the estate, when I moved in she said “just go through my gate it will save you anytime you want to go to shop”

I haven’t really done this but literally just went to the corner shop before and she’s put a full on padlock on it 🫣

I usually just say ‘riiight…’ to these people. Then ignore.

I'd reply 'I prefer to use my spare time keeping the inside of my house clean and tidy because that's were we spend most of our time, I find an untidy living area very unsettling and gives such a poor impression to others' it doesn't matter what you inside your house actually looks like because you won't be inviting her in but she'll know its a dig back at her. Fuck her, you've got your priorities and she's got hers, neither should be heeding the others

Just say oh I love the natural look, can't wait to see how it progresses when I leave it to do what it wants.

None of her business bloody cheek its not her garden just ignore

Exactly this.

you need to get your own back, as soon as she starts say something interrupt her by asking if everything is okay as you heard her screaming at someone the other day and you were worried, and her dog was going mental for ages. She might get the hint and stop prying!

But it's not her place to decide what 'needs' doing in someone else's garden, because it's not her garden and it's none of her business. Surely you can see that it's rude to tell someone what they 'need' to do to their own garden, when they haven't asked for your opinion or advice? And also, how do you know that they aren't already fully aware of what 'needs' doing but simply haven't had the time or the inclination to do it? Would you think it was OK to walk into someone's house and say 'Your kitchen floor needs cleaning' or 'Those curtains need replacing'?

Some people might tell me that the ivy on my fence 'needs' cutting back because they only like neat hedges. But I don't mind it being a bit overgrown, so as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't need cutting back and it's not up to the neighbours to decide what property looks like. My garden should a) look how I want it to look, not how my neighbour wants it to look, and b) be prioritised according to what I think is important, not what my neighbour thinks is important.

My mum is a brilliant, brilliant gardener. People ask her advice about gardens all the time, she's super generous with giving people plants and so on. But she would never just start telling people what do with their gardens unless they'd asked her for advice! She wouldn't just lean over someone's fence and say 'What are you going to do about the shape of that shrub?' or 'Shouldn't you have planted some daffodil bulbs instead of those tulips?' because that would be rude as hell.

Mine makes gardening her life’s works. What with weeding, & path brushing every day, it’s exhausting just seeing her bulging eyes & red face. I’ve told her straight I hate pink flowers, & hydrangeas in particular, love plants, wildflowers, & the rough look. She looks disapprovingly, then laughs.

Unfortunately people like this who think their opinion actually counts are to be very wary of.

They invariably feel entitled to increase their opinions of your business.

I would be shutting her down with "I am perfectly happy with my garden" on a loop, and studiously avoiding her.

In my experience through friends, you give this type an inch and they will try to take a mile, and be in your ear with their univited opinions.

Be less friendly.

That's different when it's coming from her.

It would be kind to offer

That would piss me off and I'd want to nip it in the bud so she knows that you are not willing to discuss how you maintain your home and property, unless there is a risk.

If someone said "I would get that tree trimmed back" I would ask whether it was causing a problem for them. If not then I'd shut down any further conversation with a breezy "I do my gardening my own way, thanks".

As for brown bits....FFS, it's a living tree. Sure, go out now and again and lop off huge dead bits and clear up leaves etc, but it doesn't need to be Kew Garden ready!

It's something she is observing and remarking on. Not a fraught discussion. Maybe she is wanting to share her knowledge and build a connection.

I think it’s fair enough to tell her that you’re a single mum, you’re overstretched and doing your best, but that she might need to lower her expectations.

My neighbours are very much like this and it built up and up and eventually we fell out with them. I don’t recommend that.

Couldn’t agree with you more.

I have a neighbour who’s absolutely obsessed with gardens being ‘neat and tidy’. I like a more cottage garden look, with natural shaped plants spilling over the edges of beds. I like to encourage bees and bugs and wildlife. Very different aesthetics.

She offered some opinions on my garden early on. I say ‘offered’, but these were expressed in the manner of ‘you need to do this’ as if these opinions were absolute truths. With a total lack of comprehension that her way of doing things was ONE way of doing them, but that opinions may vary and different people value different styles and ways of doing things. I was very firm that I didn’t want a municipal park garden with gaudy flowers in serried ranks, and that I preferred a more natural style.

Now we have an uneasy truce. I’m sure she thinks I’m crazy. But at least she now keeps her opinions to herself.

Tell her to F off

Your hedge is turning brown....yes I think a dog is peeing on it im thinking of putting pepper down to deter it .....

How about "I like my garden to be the way nature intended it to be".

My neighbours did this All. The. Time.

Initially I would placate them and say that I would get round to it soon etc, and then I wondered why the hell I would consider changing anything about my perfectly reasonable garden just because I am a people pleaser.

So I changed my response to 'are you going to do anything about that tree/bush soon' to 'no. I like it'.

Actually I then also let part of the garden 'go wild' just to piss them off (it's for the bees)