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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a 4th attempt at breastfeeding?

66 replies

MrsPepperpotspickles · 24/08/2023 23:13

WIBU of me to have a 4th baby because I want a fourth go at breastfeeding?
DC1 - first time mum, didnt know what I was doing in regards to bf and was born during covid lockdowns so no support, gave up quickly and regretted it.
DC2 - baby born with health issues, milk allergy, tongue tie. I expressed milk for him for a short time but couldn’t commit to the pumping schedule long term.
DC3 - shoddy latch, tried all the tips and tricks to no avail. Bleeding nipples, baby throwing up blood after feeds, tried nipple shields but baby couldn’t work those out either. Was advised by health visitor to swap to FF for my own mental health 1 week in.

I love being a mum and I love my kids. I really want to do this but more so I can prove I can do it to myself at this point, but is it silly to try again for a 4th time? If we do have a fourth it will definitely be our last and my final chance to get it right.

OP posts:

Mumofteenandtween · 24/08/2023 23:17

Having a 4th child to try and breastfeed them is a daft idea.

Having a 4th child because you would love a 4th child and then giving breastfeeding a go is a great idea.

Stonebridge · 24/08/2023 23:17

That is the complete wrong reason to have a child. Wtf?! A new human being with a whole life purely so you can potentially breast feed for a few months. I have breastfed my 2 and it's seriously not that important. It's really not.

Yourebeingtooloud · 24/08/2023 23:19

Very silly to have a 4th just to try bf.

I do get it - I ended up with 2 cs and part of me really wanted to have another go and try to get it ‘right’ next time…but ultimately I didn’t want another child.

If you and your partner genuinely want a 4th child, have the capacity for it, can afford it etc, then do have one final go at bf when it arrives - and get yourself proper support ie a trained bf supporter as hv & midwives are not all that knowledgeable about bf unfortunately.

But you have bf your babies. It sounds like you tried really hard and circumstances were just against you.

continentallentil · 24/08/2023 23:21

Clearly it would be completely nuts to have a baby just so you can breastfed it. Also incredibly unfair on both the child and its siblings. You have a baby because you really want it and you really have the time, energy and money for it.

Breastfeeding isn’t getting it right - it’s right for some people and wrong for others.

Also - you’ve had THREE kids since 2020?! That is incredibly quick and I think for everyone’s sake you need to take a break to make sure they are all getting adequate time and attention.

adomizo · 24/08/2023 23:28

I understand how you feel but honestly as a mum of four myself... there is almost no chance of that working out if it hasn't already..you would have so much on with 4 kids there won't be any time to devote to potential challenges. Honestly in the bigger picture there are soooo many more important things to worry about than breastfeeding. Let this go.

AgathaMiss · 24/08/2023 23:29

This is not a reason to have a child. I found bf hard and stopped after 6 weeks with my first- I was in tears every time she fed and the GP suggested I stop for my own mental health.

My DC are teens now and no one gives a fuck how they were fed as babies. When you're in the baby and toddler stages, it seems so very important. When your DC have grown, you realise it was all angst for nothing.

There is such a hidden disdain for bottle feeding in some circles - I remember one mum saying she couldn't imagine having to cart around formula and I must find it so difficult to pack my bag with all the extra stuff. Are you internalising this and wanting the next time to be better, to do better and not fail? Is it really that important or are you displacing other stress into this one aspect of raising a child?

Kitcaterpillar · 24/08/2023 23:29

Three babies in three years?

How enthusiastic!

babybird123 · 24/08/2023 23:31

Sounds selfish. Your 3 children will not thank you for having a fourth so you can try breastfeeding again.

Clefable · 24/08/2023 23:33

You've got 3 kids 3 and under and you want a fourth just to try breastfeeding?

TeaKitten · 24/08/2023 23:33

Absolutely stupid reason to have a baby. And you’ve had 3 babies in 3 years, enjoy them and calm down, they’re only small once.

Original poster

MrsPepperpotspickles · 24/08/2023 23:38

TeaKitten · 24/08/2023 23:33

Absolutely stupid reason to have a baby. And you’ve had 3 babies in 3 years, enjoy them and calm down, they’re only small once.

if we do have a fourth it wouldn’t be for some time yet but do appreciate your point.

OP posts:

goong · 24/08/2023 23:42

It's a terrible idea. I'v breastfed 2 out of my 4 and honestly you wouldn't know which ones. I think because it's so fresh to you it seems really important but in the long run it isn't. It might be worth trying to unpick why you feel it's so important to give it a go.

Escapetothecountryplease · 25/08/2023 00:16

i hear your trauma at what you perceive as failed breastfeeding. I felt similar. both of mine had tongue ties thAT reattached and were snipped 3 times [!!] . From what i understand it can be a genetic thing that runs in families, perhaps all of your kids had it. Unfortunately NHS health visitors and midwives have pitifully scant training in this condition and how deeply it affects both mother and child. This deep seated maternal upset that stems from dealing with a distressed infant that you feel powerless to soothe is a form of trauma, I'd suggest you seek counselling to make sense of it and bring yourself some peace. IBC Lactation Consultants may be able to advise. Life must be challenging have 3 so young right now, personally I wouldn't add in any further demands, yet anyway. Maybe get a couple of them into school and see how you feel once things calm down a bit. all the best

sjpkgp1 · 25/08/2023 00:22

Despite how it sounds in your post, I think you are not trying to have DC4 just to try breastfeeding again. You are just trying to explore whether you would give it another go. I think we would all like to "do it better" next time (and I would argue whether doing it "better" includes breastfeeding). Unfortunately it doesn't always work like that, not with labour, nor with feeding. My experience of breastfeeding was not great, DS1 was breastfed for 6 months, and I went through all of the things you describe with DC3, bleeding nipples, mastitis, baby constantly throwing up then hungry again, one hour on, one hour off, no sleep. It only got a bit better towards the end. DD1 (one year later) didn't latch, dry nappies, and we went to the bottle after a couple of weeks. I did feed the last two (a DD and DS) in the hospital, but only to help get the placenta out and because it felt right, but bottle once they got home and I never regretted it. Never had any bother with immune systems and the likes, I'd say my DS are "hardier" than my DDs, one completely breastfed, one completely bottle fed.

sesquipedalian · 25/08/2023 00:22

Quite apart from any other consideration, how would you feel if in fact you had a fourth child and couldn’t actually breastfeed them either?

Sugarfree23 · 25/08/2023 00:35

Op that's a daft idea.
4 children is a lot and needs serious consideration, bigger car, bigger house, bigger food bills, clothes, activities, 4 kids doing homework at the same time sounds like a form of torture! The stress levels as they all grow sitting exams at the same time.

A baby is for life not just for breastfeeding.
You've done it the hard way bottles and all the rest. But BF isn't without its challenges and no guarantee it would work out anyway.

Op enjoy the children you have, don't bite of more than you can chew.

TMess · 25/08/2023 00:53

That’s an odd reason to have a child. And I have 5 so I’m not questioning the number, just the motivation.

Ohthatsabitshit · 25/08/2023 01:04

Are any of your children out of nappies or sleeping through the night? I think it’s a daft idea but possibly you aren’t quite yourself. Three children in three years and in covid and with early difficulties, I honestly think it’s more likely that you need someone to talk things through with. Could approach your midwife and see if there’s someone you can have some time with because it’s really unusual thinking. I have a large family so it isn’t that that’s concerning me.

Summermeadowflowers · 25/08/2023 01:12

I’ve just received an email from the lactation consultant I had visit us at home a month ago advising me that the period of support has come to an end and it has had me feeling really flat and upset. DD is just over 5 weeks and I had the lactation consultant out when she was a week old, seen the infant feeding team, tongue tie snipped (although it wasn’t a bad one) and yes tried nipple shields. No joy. I think to be blunt we are just really shit at breastfeeding!

But to my surprise I can’t empathise with this post. Because I want to breastfeed my children for them, not me. (I mean, there are incentives for me like money but a fourth child would negate that!)

It’s a bit of an odd post and the timings also don’t quite add up - three children since end of March 2020 must have meant three almost back to back pregnancies.

elifont · 25/08/2023 01:49

You've already got it right! Trying and moving to formula when needed isn't failing that's winning, you've listened to advice and done the best for your baby. That's being the best mum!

Stationerygasm · 25/08/2023 01:49

Was writing the same before seeing your post @Summermeadowflowers
Covid was 2020 and you claim to have 3 already... spidey senses are going

brainexplorer · 25/08/2023 01:54

Honestly, with that level of pressure on yourself to breastfeed, you are even less likely to manage than previously. Anxiety can really affect milk production and it seems like way too high stakes.

Original poster

MrsPepperpotspickles · 25/08/2023 08:56

Summermeadowflowers · 25/08/2023 01:12

It’s a bit of an odd post and the timings also don’t quite add up - three children since end of March 2020 must have meant three almost back to back pregnancies.

I had my first 2020, second end of 2021 and my third in July this year? 🤨 yes they are all close but its completely real, hardly impossible to have 3 children in 3 years.

OP posts:

Creepyrosemary · 25/08/2023 21:00

In my country they advise to wait at least a year before you get pregnant again to heal and get stronger. A pregnancy costs a lot of you body and uses up a lot of your reserves. You should want to get pregnant at your healthiest point to give the baby a good start in life.

I breastfed, part of it combi feeding, for 20 months. If you couldn't handle the pumping schedule or bleeding nipples or poor latch, then there is a high chance that you won't breastfeed the next. It just doesn't sound that it's your thing to deal with when you're post partum. Which is fine in itself, but if you're thinking about creating a whole new person just to try and breastfeed again, then you are going too far. Maybe you should explore why this feels important to you now, while at the time (three times!) you decided that it wasn't working out. Maybe you should just own that decision and focus on parenting these three children.

Oh and after the breastfeeding journey ended, I really couldn't give a fuck anymore about the whole thing. It's overrated if you ask me.

lightinthebox · 25/08/2023 21:12

A lot of the replies here are very nasty. Having a fourth child ‘just to breastfeed’ is a feeling I understand. I wanted a second child for the same reason but the guilt went away.

This is exactly why ‘breast is best’ and the evangelical breast feeding community should be ashamed of themselves. Piling the guilt onto people is disgusting.

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