To have a 4th attempt at breastfeeding?

[MrsPepperpotspickles]

WIBU of me to have a 4th baby because I want a fourth go at breastfeeding?
DC1 - first time mum, didnt know what I was doing in regards to bf and was born during covid lockdowns so no support, gave up quickly and regretted it.
DC2 - baby born with health issues, milk allergy, tongue tie. I expressed milk for him for a short time but couldn’t commit to the pumping schedule long term.
DC3 - shoddy latch, tried all the tips and tricks to no avail. Bleeding nipples, baby throwing up blood after feeds, tried nipple shields but baby couldn’t work those out either. Was advised by health visitor to swap to FF for my own mental health 1 week in.

I love being a mum and I love my kids. I really want to do this but more so I can prove I can do it to myself at this point, but is it silly to try again for a 4th time? If we do have a fourth it will definitely be our last and my final chance to get it right.

I appreciate everyones comments here but this one feels a bit mean spirited, saying I find it important now but obviously didn’t at the time? I very much knew it was important to me at the time too? Were my children meant to starve? I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say there. I ‘own’ the decision I made if I didn’t own it I wouldn’t be talking about it? I’m well aware of what happened each time that led to me feeling like I was out of options to continue bf and don’t necessarily regret the decision because it kept my child alive. Just disappointed it wasn’t different circumstances.
i don’t need to be told to parent the children I have now, I am absolutely capable of doing so.

Fwiw I thought that was a very mean spirited post as well, @MrsPepperpotspickles , and I took exception to it too.

If your youngest was only born in July and you fed for a week the baby can only be 6 or 7 weeks old. Would it be an option to try again? I’d just give it another go.

Give your body a break from all the childbirth!

The long and short of it is that establishing breastfeeding - in my experience - gets harder each time, not because of the act itself but because it can be time consuming and the more children you already have, the less time you have to devote to it. The effort that I had to go to to sort out feeding my first would have been impossible to do for my second because I simply wouldn’t have had the time or energy to care for two children while I was pumping and feeding constantly. Times that by having three to care for…
And all of this aside that if this is really one of the strong motivators to have a whole other human being - a tiny period of time of their life to breastfeed them - then that is madness.

Have a 4th because you want to and not because of any notions of wanting to breastfeed. You also need some counselling around your feeling about not being able to breastfeed. You tried and it didn't work, I've been in that position.

My dd lost more than 10% of her body weight and was a tiny baby already, she ended up being readmitted, I pumped during the day and night for her, ate all the oat cookies, fenugreek capsules but my supply was never enough to sustain her. At the time I was never far from crying and I realise now it was pnd. I had such overwhelming feelings of letting my beautiful baby down, of being an ineffective mother. I then had a surprise pregnancy with ds and I didn't try again. I reasoned in my head that I just wouldn't be able to cluster feed a newborn whilst I had a 15 month old dd to take care of too. I did try to pump for my dd2 but again there was never anything more than 5ml coming out. I'm one of that so called 1% that can't breastfeed, I've made peace with it.

If you go for a 4th and want to try again then arm yourself with knowledge, so what does a good latch look like, different positions for breastfeeding, does your hospital have a midwife or hv that specialises in breastfeeding or holds clinics where you can get latch checked before leaving hospital? Get details for a lactation consultant, a doula who specialises in breastfeeding, midwife or hv run breastfeeding clinics in the community.

Don't attach your self worth to whether you can breastfeed or not, your journey as a parent will involve so much more than that.

Whatever the motivation, I don’t think a maximum of eight weeks post partum is the best time to be making decisions about family size!

I had my baby in mid July; she is 6 weeks next week. Despite problems with feeding I was definitely in the newborn bubble for the first four weeks or so: that’s popped now. I’m still happy but it is also very hard work! Also, I am 43, I had a section, my periods aren’t back as I’m expressing milk (and it is bloody hard work) and another child would hugely compromise on space, money, cars, resources. So another child would be a slight disaster. I’m still ‘broody’. It’s hard to accept that’s it, no more, after my pregnancy (which lasted forever!) now seems to have zoomed by.

I remember feeling the same after DS; I was broody for a baby when I had a baby and a lot of the time it’s about having regrets and wanting to right them in some way. But that does pass - in fact, although DD was very planned and wanted, I found out I was expecting her the month before DS turned 2 and I did have some fleeting regrets that we were ‘trapped’ for at least another three years. As delightful as babies and toddlers are they are utterly relentless.

Breastfeeding ‘grief’ is real. Some will never get it and say to use formula. Some just assume you didn’t try, you could do it but it was just too painful or similar. In retrospect I sort of wish I hadn’t really tried with DD but once I had tried I was invested in a way, so feel obliged to carry on. But there is a very visceral part of me that feels a loss and a sense of being robbed and I felt it and feel it with DS too. Anyone who says that it doesn’t matter should be pushed into a swimming pool filled with cow and gate.

I know my post sounded mean spirited, your post made me angry on behalf of your existing children and I let that show, I apologize for that.

Breastfeeding (in the beginning) costs a LOT of hours each day and you have 3 children under 4yo. I never timed how much time it took me but my SIL stopped because it took her 7 hours each day and that was 7 hours that she couldn't really be there for her oldest (and he hated that). In my opinion you cannot be a present, engaging mum for that many young children while breastfeeding a newborn (it does get shorter and easier later on). It could very well work when they're just a few years older and need less of your attention but you wouldn't be able to divide your attention well enough now.

I also agree with my countries policy that it's unhealthy to have children too quickly. My mum was the last of six, she had multiple severe health issues and died young because of it. Number 5 has also been weak his whole life. My dad also comes from a big family and the older ones are healthier than the younger ones. My grans didn't have birth control and no choice. It's bad for the future health of your children to get pregnant before your body had a chance to replete all its resources. I believe that children deserve to have a good start in life health-wise.

I also think that it's a bad reason to have a child. What if it doesn't work? Will that reflect in your bonding? Every child should be loved and wanted for themselves regardless of such a little thing as breatfeeding.

In the end it's your choice. I just hope that if or when you decide to have another child you will look at the big picture and have them out of love.

There is nothing wrong with pointing out that the existing children should be the priority, or that numerous back to back pregnancies aren’t ideal.

There is a lot wrong with ‘you couldn’t handle it.’ It was mean spirited, not just to the OP but others.

Of course, bring a human into the world to prove your ability to breastfeed.

You'll feel satisfied and that's the only thing to consider.

That is what I think though.

I think you’ve very much taken my post the wrong way in a sense, but regardless of thst my children are very much loved and cared for regardless of me not breastfeeding them for as long as I wanted to. I have a bond with each of them, I’m not casting children aside as you seem to think?
My pregnancies have been close but its not caused my children any health issues, and my body has coped remarkably well. If we do try to conceive, it wouldn’t be for a while yet anyway.

But you wrote that you want a 4th baby to breastfeed. That's literally your first sentence. You didn't write that your family is incomplete without a fourth, or that you want another family member to love, no your wrote that you want a baby to try to breastfeed. That is the wrong reason to have a child.

You might be a good mum to your first three children, but if you're only having the fourth to breastfeed and it doesn't work then what's left? Because you haven't mentioned love there.

And uou don't know yet if your children will have health issues in the future because you had them too quickly. They're still very young.

Eh? That post was seriously tame. How is any of what PP said mean spirited?!?!

The fact that OP wants to have a dc4 to try and prove a point to herself is very silly, as others have kindly put it.

I never understood the point of these posts.

So I want a child (#4) so that you can challenge yourself or something. That's a silly reason.

But none of us will convince you otherwise. You'll have a baby. You may or may not be able to feed. You say that's not the reason you're doing it.

Why bother asking us? Will that change your thinking in any way?

Babies arent toys that you pop out just because you'd like the experience of bfing or vaginal birth or you fancy a new style of pram etc. You've got three who are Im sure gorgeous and adorable. Rejoice and enjoy the three wonders you already have.

I get it. I also have 3 and followed a very similar pattern to you with mine, even down to DC2 having a tongue tie. I would have loved another go, but ultimately didn't want/couldn't afford a 4th child

I had my first child July 2006, my second June 2007 and my third Sept 2008.

Op, my advice is not to have another so close together as when they become teenagers you will be spread thin and the cost is astronomical.

Don’t do it.

There are no good reasons to have a baby. I can’t even really pinpoint my reasons if I’m honest! It’s all irrational. If you have the time and resources, do it, but I would wait a few years.

I have 4, I breastfed 2 of the 4 loved it no guilt for ones I didn’t, tongue tie and nicu baby so didn’t work out but I wouldn’t have had one just to succeed in feeding them, being a good mum doesn’t equate to how I fed them tbh. Have another because you want a 4th it’s hard work having 4 and expensive. I get you want to feed yourself you’ve tried though and that’s great

Each attempt will get you closer to sorting it out. There are ways to get good information. Breastfeeding rates are low, so most people you speak to won’t have done it. That includes midwives. Doctors don’t really know. Best people to speak to are lactation consultants. If you can’t afford them then there are groups called “la leche league” I think. They have a good book. Or sometimes there are groups locally, council run for example. Even then don’t assume anyone you meet/ speak to actually had a good experience - I don’t mean to be harsh but unless you ask someone’s values they may actually be someone who isn’t breastfeeding friendly. My aunt was a breastfeeding support person, between her and a lactation consultant I got through my problems. But other people were not helpful! When your are in the middle of it you can’t tell who is giving you good information.

lactation consultants have to take exams and keep taking exams. But they cost. I understood what she was telling me and gave me a set of tools to help me for my particular problem. There are loads of things that can be a problem but there are always solutions. The difficult part is speaking to the right person who can tell you the solutions.

If you have 4th, you can do it, but start preparing when you are pregnant. The la leche book is called “the womanly art of breastfeeding”. It’s been in print for a long time hence the title is naff but the book is good. 1/3 of the book covers problems and solutions.

I’m not sure if we will or won’t at this point. I only had a baby last month so its not exactly a decision that needs to be made right now, just is something I’ve thought about. Theres a few things we’d need to consider/figure out first but I’m being honest with myself and another chance to bf is on my list yes.

https://www.laleche.org.uk/