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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas - going away from family drama

72 replies

ohmygoshisitabat · 24/08/2023 21:48

Christmas Day. Last year we spent it at my SIL house, had a wonderful day, we all get on very well. We will host them next year. This Christmas it is expected that both sets of parents will want to come to us for the day. I'm already stressed. Usually means overnight stay Xmas Eve. Both sets will want to bring their dogs which we don't want (we are a dog free house, both sets of dogs are boisterous and ill-behaved my youngest struggles with it and I struggle with the anxiety of them being there too) The year before last we hosted both sets, we asked them not to bring the dogs, my parents refused to come if the dogs couldn't come and caused such a fuss until they got their way (tears, emotional blackmail), they then ended up not speaking to US all Xmas eve because we asked for no dogs and it offended them....in my own home, ruined Xmas for me (of course I put on the best smile the next day though). DH's parents didn't bring the dogs but when they arrived and saw my parents dogs they kicked off with my DH (their son) and gave a lot of emotional blackmail again on how he prefers my family to them. I already know both sets are poised to ask if they can come to us this year. MIL is currently posting on socials how much better behaved her dogs are these days so I know its a pre-curser to wanting to bring the dogs because my folks did the last time.
Neither set of parents help with anything for the day (or any other time they visit). Both sit and be waited on, not in the greatest of health. Strained relationships over the years. DH and I work full time. We have 2 x DD's. Both live 2hrs away so not local. I end up feeling so guilty for not wanting them there, I am looking at booking us Xmas weekend away somewhere so I dont have to deal with it. AIBU?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 24/08/2023 21:54

What I ended up doing was saying that we were having Christmas in our own home, anyone that wished to come was more than welcome, but that we were not a dog friendly house, and dogs were not welcome.

Cue stunningly peaceful Christmases. . .

TheCatterall · 24/08/2023 21:55

@ohmygoshisitabat massive squishes.

just run for the hills. Now.

book a holiday. Give them all a cheery wave and two finger salute.

tell them that you are focussing on just you, DH and the kids this year.

I’d see them on Boxing Day separately in future years. Or inbetween Christmas and New Year.

id just tell them they are nehavjng like tantruming children if bad behaviour continues. ‘And this Tommy is why we won’t/can’t have/do nice things with you…’. But then I can’t be arsed putting up with this from friends let alone family.

dripdropdripdrop · 24/08/2023 21:56

Absolutely nothing unreasonable about this.

We spend 3 weeks in the canaries over Christmas. It allows for no family drama, stress or unnecessary worry. Our young DCs can actually spend time outdoors and we all get some much needed winter sunshine.

We spent too many years worrying about what everyone else would think at Christmas. Split ourselves many ways to please everyone else but the reality is that we were miserable.

Couldn't think of a better way to do it now!

ohyesohyesoh · 24/08/2023 21:58

It is your Christmas too. You can only offfer, if the invitees don't like the T&C of the invite, that's not your worry tbh

StripeyDeckchair · 24/08/2023 21:58

Go away
Have a good time just you

DO NOT TELL parents or inlaws any details of your break so they can't surprise you and come along

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 24/08/2023 21:59

Have Christmas lunch at a pub. Then go home alone and enjoy your ddog free home..

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 24/08/2023 22:00

Be firm on the no dogs thing.

Be firm on adults having weird tantrums.

Book something non refundable and pay it off in full. That should give you strength 😆.

Insommmmnia · 24/08/2023 22:02

We also have family drama this year and its supposed to be our turn to host according to lots of people

We've already told everyone we are going away for christmas, I cannot be bothered with all the drama

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2023 22:07

YANBU to go away if you want to. YABU to think you have to go away to avoid hosting the ungrateful entitled joy suckers.

If your mum tries it on just remind her she blanked you in your own home last year and you’re not risking a repeat.

What would you and your DDs enjoy most? Have you ever had Christmas at home just the 4 of you? That might be what they’d love more than anything.

FictionalCharacter · 24/08/2023 22:08

Isn't it a shame that a time of year that's meant to be happy, is so often spoilt by anxiety, drama and guilt because some adults can't behave themselves?

Go on your holiday @ohmygoshisitabat and don't feel guilty. You don't owe them hospitality at the expense of your own comfort and peace of mind.

ThreeLittleDots · 24/08/2023 22:08

Only go away if you truly want to go away, and it's not running away.

Otherwise it's perfectly fine to insist on a dog-free AND sulk-free Christmas by declining to host anybody.

MzHz · 24/08/2023 22:12

Be clear. Now.
don’t wait.

if you want to come and stay, no dogs

if you want to bring dogs youll have to find alternative accommodation

Or say you’re not hosting

or book a holiday

you don’t owe anyone anything

unicornhair · 24/08/2023 22:21

tell them you aren’t doing Christmas dinner but having pizza in our PJs or whatever might put them off coming.

Tinkerbyebye · 24/08/2023 22:30

If you really feel they have to come you send them both a joint email so they both get it at the same time, and the same ground rules

no dogs
no being waited on mil and fil will be responsible for zzz mum and dad responsible for aaa ( prepping veg , washing up, setting the table, get their own cups of tea, breakfast etc)

then wait and see what they say

UniKnow · 24/08/2023 23:08

I suggest you decide what you want to do (ie come without dogs and pitch in or don’t come at all as you’ll be away) and then let them know asap so they can make other arrangements.

Murdoch1949 · 25/08/2023 03:03

FOUR DOGS. Four dogs in the house at Christmas when space is at a premium! Invite the humans stipulate AND STICK TO, NO DOGS.

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 03:10

Absolutely go.

Your parents selfishness and appalling behaviour has given you an out.

Weatherwax13 · 25/08/2023 04:16

I feel like this post should be pinned somewhere before the avalanche of similar ones leading into December.
OP nobody has the right to treat you and your home as they please. Not on Christmas or any other day of the year. People shouldn't get a pass to behave like complete pricks because the calendar says 25th December.
If I was able to broadcast a "Christmas Message" to women it would be Put Your Foot Down.
The reams and reams of pre and post christmas threads from women who are exhausted, bitter, resentful, hurt, skint etc. It is so not worth it.
Do what works for you and your family unit.
A miserable Christmas whilst others take the complete piss out of you is not compulsory .

MinnieMountain · 25/08/2023 06:42

Do you actually want to go away?
I'd have the difficult conversation now. They’ve got plenty of time to make arrangements for the dogs.

Missingmyusername · 25/08/2023 06:50

I’d book something- especially as it’s only night. No cooking, no washing up, no bedding or towels to wash and no dogs to worry about. Most hotels are dog friendly these days- or perhaps both sets and / you could book a dog friendly cottage for two nights.

Codlingmoths · 25/08/2023 06:55

Hi mum, dad, we have started thinking about Christmas. You are very welcome to come to ours, but there are conditions. There will be no dogs, and if that’s going to make you do a miserable sulk just say no now and you have plenty of time to make Christmas plans that you will actually enjoy. I really need to be clear about this as I will ask you to pack up the car and your presents and go home then and there if there’s a repeat of 2021 in our home. I’m not doing that again, and we are telling dps parents the same.

fedupnow2 · 25/08/2023 06:59

Op don't feel guilty just because they are your parents and you feel obligated. There is no way I would put up with BS like this from anyone including any parents. Who do they think they are behaving like this?? We have close families but thank goodness they don't obligate us to spend Xmas with them. In fact we all make plans of what we like to do first and then whoever is around gets together. Some times it will be some of us travelling, or just planning to do no cooking and easy food and some times we make plans with the rest of them. People who behave like your sets of parents deserve to spend it alone.

In fact, we have young dc and dh and I decided from the very first first dc that things we are NOT doing is doing - dragging them from house to house away from their toys and travelling just to fulfil duty visits, slaving away cooking and hosting lots of people taking my time away from our dc, and IF we decide to host, everyone brings a dish. If you don't pitch in, you don't get invited. Our families are far from this, but this is our boundaries and traditions for our family and people can either stick to them or bugger off.

londonrach · 25/08/2023 07:04

Be strick here....day happy to host but no dogs and if they can't do that book your holiday away

fedupnow2 · 25/08/2023 07:05

MinnieMountain · 25/08/2023 06:42

Do you actually want to go away?
I'd have the difficult conversation now. They’ve got plenty of time to make arrangements for the dogs.

Yes don't hide away from your own home just so you don't want to be bullied by people who are older and should behave better.

LlynTegid · 25/08/2023 07:41

Either go away or have Christmas Day with no parents. Whatever you do, tell everyone and stick to it. No rewards or giving in to tantrums, indeed less contact if there is. Be firm once and you will set a standard for the future.