Christmas - going away from family drama

[ohmygoshisitabat]

Christmas Day. Last year we spent it at my SIL house, had a wonderful day, we all get on very well. We will host them next year. This Christmas it is expected that both sets of parents will want to come to us for the day. I'm already stressed. Usually means overnight stay Xmas Eve. Both sets will want to bring their dogs which we don't want (we are a dog free house, both sets of dogs are boisterous and ill-behaved my youngest struggles with it and I struggle with the anxiety of them being there too) The year before last we hosted both sets, we asked them not to bring the dogs, my parents refused to come if the dogs couldn't come and caused such a fuss until they got their way (tears, emotional blackmail), they then ended up not speaking to US all Xmas eve because we asked for no dogs and it offended them....in my own home, ruined Xmas for me (of course I put on the best smile the next day though). DH's parents didn't bring the dogs but when they arrived and saw my parents dogs they kicked off with my DH (their son) and gave a lot of emotional blackmail again on how he prefers my family to them. I already know both sets are poised to ask if they can come to us this year. MIL is currently posting on socials how much better behaved her dogs are these days so I know its a pre-curser to wanting to bring the dogs because my folks did the last time.
Neither set of parents help with anything for the day (or any other time they visit). Both sit and be waited on, not in the greatest of health. Strained relationships over the years. DH and I work full time. We have 2 x DD's. Both live 2hrs away so not local. I end up feeling so guilty for not wanting them there, I am looking at booking us Xmas weekend away somewhere so I dont have to deal with it. AIBU?

BINGO!

FFS. We should allow people to walk all over us because they will die one day? Seriously?

If you want to book something for Christmas then yes, you absolutely should book it. Have a wonderful time. But if you’d rather be at home and it’s just the thought of family behaving badly, then I don’t think you should be forced to have another Christmas that you don’t really want.

Is it just the dogs? Or would you just like a break from the four of them completely? If it’s just the dogs, then I would send both sets of parents an email, jointly from you and DH, saying exactly what some of the very wise posters above have said. Reiterate that you won’t be changing your mind and have no intention of discussing it any further, and that you will not be accepting a repeat of the previous Christmas, so if they feel that they’re unable to accept this decision with good grace, you understand that they won’t be able to attend. If they start with the emotional blackmail, ask them why they’re allowed to have the Christmas that they want, but you’re not allowed to have the Christmas that you want?

If you just want a break from the four of them (and it sounds like it would be a far better Christmas if you did) then email them now, just telling them that you’re not doing Christmas this year and will be ordering a takeaway instead, so you’re giving them plenty of notice so they can make alternative arrangements. Then have a Christmas that is perfect for you.

Just don’t invite them, they can have all the expectations they like, and if they like just say sorry we are just having a quiet Christmas this year or go away.

If it’s already a stressful situation now then just step away. That’s what I would do with my own family (all sorts of drama with them!)

It's such a shame that so many of us seem to be in similar situations. DH and I have also had a similar conversation as my parents have no respect for us, pressure us into doing what they want then ignoring us, making us wonder why we bothered seeing them! DH has also said why don't we just book a few nights away to avoid all the drama! It's 4 MTHS away, it's not fair we have to stress about this for so much of the year!!

I’ve mentioned on another thread but my MIL disliked Christmas and generally spoiled it with the moaning and ruining the atmosphere. She didn’t like the food, the presents, people talking, not being able to watch tv in total silence, children enjoying themselves and getting toys, anyone eating any treats…
Shes dead now, it’s improved Christmas no end.

"I already know both sets are poised to ask if they can come to us this year."
Head them off at the pass, NOW! Don't wait for them to manipulate you 'ask', be upfront and tell them TODAY that you're letting them know with plenty of time to make other arrangements, that you will ABSOLUTELY NOT be hosting Christmas this year. Any objections to be met with firmly telling them that they made the last time you hosted a fucking nightmare and you WILL NOT be having that again. Consequences!

"DH and I work full time. We have 2 x DD's. Both live 2hrs away so not local."
Start looking TODAY for somewhere that you, DH and DDs can all spend Christmas. Maybe you just want the meal catered but to still be at home, so scout the local hotels/restaurants. Or maybe just to make it absolutely certain they cannot just turn up at your door, go away somewhere. A week in e.g. Cyprus, just the four of you? Or some lovely UK destination. Yes, it may be expensive, but it's a damned sight cheaper than the guilt trip your parents/PIL have planned for you.

I can well imagine.

No one grieves people like this.

They are awful and bring nothing but misery with them.

Do what YOU want to do. Honestly, this annual round of people dreading Xmas, hating it while it's happening, complaining about it afterwards - then the cycle repeating itself - is utterly ridiculous.

Decide what you're doing SOON, then announce it. Do NOT back down.

Quite why so many families inflict a miserable time on themselves every year (I know some people love it, I'm not talking about them) just because it's Xmas, is completely beyond me.

For information, we have a dog. When we go on holiday, or to stay with friends or relatives (at any time of year), she gets booked into kennels. We wouldn't dream of imposing our dog on other people, including family.

Oh don’t say that! It could be YEARS before she’s rid of these manipulative idiots.

seriously, why? Just why? Every thread we have where people behave like utter arseholes, someOne pops up to say “oh but you’ll miss them when they’re gone” or “you only get one mother/father”

when your mother or father have never respected you, never stick up for you, or done their best to undermine you, or worse actually hurt you, the point that “you only get one” and the fact for us that they are crap really HURTS and shows just how monumentally out of touch you are, and how you’re totally lacking in empathy or in fact any ability to “read the room”.

not everyone has good parents. Or decent in-laws either. I don’t have decent and decent parents/in-laws.

try a little empathy, I’ll make you a better person.

Step up your boundaries OP. We had to do this due to family drama too.

In the end I said my house my rules. First Christmas- awkward. Mum in particular acted like a spoilt brat.

Second Christmas - Less awkward, but still awkward. 😂

Third Christmas - people already knew the deal. No awkwardness, lovely enjoyable break from work. Kids were well behaved and said it was the best Christmas ever.

My mum has fallen out with everyone at least once 😂

Absolutely this with jingle bells on!

@MzHz absolutely agree.

Nobody misses awful people.

My dear friend had her difficult in laws for years. FIL was definitely the worst.

Ungrateful, misogynist, bit of a racist, man.
She loathed him.

She had a health scare when she was 25 years married and that Christmas they still came and were ungrateful.

Something snapped and she said to her husband never again.

She told her husband she was going to her sisters for next Christmas and he could deal with them.

Her husband told them that they would have to do their own thing as he was taking his wife away for Christmas.

They haven't had them since.

She deeply regrets the 25 Christmases she offered up whilst her children lived at home.

I may be completely heartless.

No way would I allow anyone unpleasant to impose on my family Christmas just because they want to spend it with us, if they weren't well behaved and appreciative.

Its only one day.

If you are awful and difficult, thats the price you pay for it, so you Christmas alone.
Deal with it.

Every year we see these kind of posts

just tell them you are spending Christmas at home. If they want to see you, no visitors until boxing day, and certainly no dogs.

been through Christmases for others and believe me, those I spent it with are dead and I still resent them.

so make your own plans and enjoy

Be honest.

If you actually want both sets of parents there, tell them you want a dog-free, sulk-free Christmas, otherwise they need to make alternative arrangements.

I can’t stand my MIL but I love Christmas. I make it very clear to my husband that she can come on Boxing Day, but Christmas day is JUST us and DS. No compromise.

Great suggestions here OP. Also another PP suggested meeting up for a meal somewhere together. These types of ideas can give you options that might work for you all rather than having to be stuck with the current system, and could help avoid major fall outs if you would like to.
Another idea is to have family visit a few weeks before or after Christmas. I know it might be that the problems would be the same, but you might find it’s easier as there’s always extra pressure on Christmas and sometimes people have bad habits.
Get creative and good luck.

I love dogs. I have one. BUT, there's no way I'd have four dogs running around on Christmas day, especially if they make my kids nervous. Just say no, you're doing your own thing this year. Your family, your home, your Christmas and your choice.

Yes go away!
Say no dogs and make it clear to both sets that anyone turning up with dog/s will be turned away.

I hope DH made it clear to his Ps that your Ps had not been 'allowed' to bring their dog. The cheek of them, especially your Ps who brought the dogs anyway and were total arseholes!

I think it warrants a falling out over it tbh. We've had a couple of big bust ups in DH's family over this exact issue!

Wouldn’t it be lovely if your PILs hosted your parents and their dogs this year, or the other way round… Then they can all have their doggy Christmas and you can do whatever you want instead. Sounds like it’s their turn to do some hosting?

I quite like hosting at Christmas, and no one is a patch on your challenging rellies. But not every year! Last year we went away and did our own thing. Bliss. Skied on Christmas Day and had roast beef in the evening. This year…. All hands (mainly mine) to the pumps.

good luck OP.

Why is it people assume everyone wants their pets in their homes?
I would have the conversation now so they can make alternative plans for their dogs or their own Christmas doing something different.

I do usually try to encourage people to see their families, especially Christmas as time is short. But when it sounds a complete nightmare and adults acting like spoilt teenagers I think do what’s best for you.
Others don’t realise how stressful life is when you’re both full time working, have a young family and have to put on big social family gatherings. We get precious time off and don’t need this level of intrusion and emotional stress.

mMaybe say you’re going away for Christmas when you’re not.

I am not anti dog, I just feel people often get dogs when they don’t have the capacity to discipline / look after them correctly or they treat them like kids and want to trump anyone else’s feelings with them.

I wish you a peaceful Christmas x

Do not feel bad about it. For me one huge positive about the covid restrictions was not having to do huge family gatherings- last Christmas I kept with the restrictions!!! For once I enjoyed Christmas with my children without having to wait on everyone all day and produce large tables laden with food. Choose life and sanity do what you what you want to do for Xmas.

Life is too short for this! Sack them off and e joy your family Christmas. The cheek of them ignoring you on Christmas eve! I'd never have them over again. We had FIL over one Christmas eve and he ruined our wholesome night with the kids by trying to make funny comments/ innuendos about the TV we were watching, getting drunk and just generally being a nob head. He never stayed over again.