Christmas - going away from family drama

[ohmygoshisitabat]

Christmas Day. Last year we spent it at my SIL house, had a wonderful day, we all get on very well. We will host them next year. This Christmas it is expected that both sets of parents will want to come to us for the day. I'm already stressed. Usually means overnight stay Xmas Eve. Both sets will want to bring their dogs which we don't want (we are a dog free house, both sets of dogs are boisterous and ill-behaved my youngest struggles with it and I struggle with the anxiety of them being there too) The year before last we hosted both sets, we asked them not to bring the dogs, my parents refused to come if the dogs couldn't come and caused such a fuss until they got their way (tears, emotional blackmail), they then ended up not speaking to US all Xmas eve because we asked for no dogs and it offended them....in my own home, ruined Xmas for me (of course I put on the best smile the next day though). DH's parents didn't bring the dogs but when they arrived and saw my parents dogs they kicked off with my DH (their son) and gave a lot of emotional blackmail again on how he prefers my family to them. I already know both sets are poised to ask if they can come to us this year. MIL is currently posting on socials how much better behaved her dogs are these days so I know its a pre-curser to wanting to bring the dogs because my folks did the last time.
Neither set of parents help with anything for the day (or any other time they visit). Both sit and be waited on, not in the greatest of health. Strained relationships over the years. DH and I work full time. We have 2 x DD's. Both live 2hrs away so not local. I end up feeling so guilty for not wanting them there, I am looking at booking us Xmas weekend away somewhere so I dont have to deal with it. AIBU?

You: Dear Parents, you are very welcome to come for Christmas. But, we want the house dog free, so I appreciate that might not suit you. If you are happy to come without the dogs, great, let me know. If you're not, I wont be offended by you choosing not to come. I really don't want a repeat of 2021's drama. Let me know what you decide!

Your DH: You: Dear Parents, you are very welcome to come for Christmas. But, we want the house dog free, so I appreciate that might not suit you. If you are happy to come without the dogs, great, let me know. If you're not, I wont be offended by you choosing not to come. I know you were upset in 2021 when @ohmygoshisitabat parents turned up with their dogs - so were we, and we have made it very clear we're not having the same situation again this time. Let me know what you decide!

If/when they kick off, I'd just rinse and repeat 'as we've explained, we're having a dog free Christmas, it's really up to you whether you decide to join us, or would prefer to do something else'.

Midwinter would be so much better if people realised Christmas was optional. Devout Christians can do their stuff, everyone else should feel free to do what makes them happy, not stressed and resentful. We have fallen amicably into a pattern of "doing Christmas" every two or three years. Other times we've been to the beach, climbed a mountain or stayed at home and done DIY. Our adult DC are with partners, their families, or just ignore it like we do.

OP, I would book a holiday asap, be very vague about the details, and point out that everyone has plenty of time to make their own arrangements. Your children should be able to look back at happy memories rather than ones of tension and arguments.

Buy a dog cage or request that your guests can only bring dogs if they are in carriers or outside in cage.
Book yourself a Christmas holiday starting the day after Boxing Day.
You will deserve it. I don't think you can back out unless you become sick this year.

Options for Christmas 2024:

Book all into a restaurant near one set of parents.
The following year book into one near the other set.
Outsource the catering and venue.
Then you are not banning the dogs but you are not eating with them either.
Can you include more people in the mix and only have to cater every four or five years?
Can you ask all to bring two dishes and share the catering from now on?
Cancel Christmas get togethers from now on and only have very small gatherings with your own kids.
Can you and your husband and kids volunteer at a charity to serve Christmas Dinner to the homeless?

How did your SIL manage to avoid drama, with the PIL at least? Did she allow dogs? Or did they not go?

I think the place to start here is to decide what you want - do you want to go away for Christmas? Do you want to host but have other people pitch in more? Host but stay firm on no dogs? Stay home but not host?

Once you know what you want, get DH on board, make whatever arrangements you need and tell people. Have stock answers like 'we won't be home' and 'no dogs this year.' Main issue for you will be not giving in - let there be tantrums but don't budge, as you'd do for a toddler.

For us, we (no dc) had pressure from all sides of our families to see them even though they lived hours apart.
Several years ago I made a similar complaint to DH about the drama and within a few hours we'd booked flights and hotel and spent a blissful Christmas somewhere cold and snowy by ourselves.
It was so amazing we've done it several times since, and it's truly broken the pattern so family don't assume they'll see us and kick off if we say no now, instead they talk about plans and ask if they can come or invite us around but with the clear expectation that we may say no. Win-win

We went away 2 years running and it was brilliant. No regrets.

100%. It’s really sad.

Well they’re obviously making plans, so book before they start asking. Once you’re locked in, you don’t have to make shit up.

We first went away for Christmas about 25 years ago. Not particularly because of any bad behaviour on anyone's part, but because it was the only time that we as a family could all get the time off together (other than in the summer holiday) and we just wanted to have some quality time to ourselves just being "us."

We escaped from trying to solve the planning conundrum of who hosts what, when and whose turn it was etc. We escaped the logistical nightmare of too many people and too few beds (regardless of where Christmas was held) and of hours spent on the road getting from House A to House B and then often to House C as well. We escaped the annual trolley-dash and all-in wrestling around Tesco's. We didn't need to see James Bond - or Del Boy falling through the bar - for the umpteenth time.

We ended up in a catered ski chalet in France. Food was cooked and served for us. There was nothing for us to clear up. There were heaps of kids' activities as well as the skiing, walking in the forest and sipping champagne on Christmas morning while the snow fell. On Christmas Eve Father Christmas even managed to find the chalet, although by the time he reached us he'd had a brandy at about a dozen other chalets on the way and was getting very merry.

When we added it all up, it actually didn't cost much more than what we would have spent at home. No big shop in Tesco. No petrol costs and hotel bills from visiting everyone else. What we did get was an active but relaxed week, a great holiday and a conviction that we would never spend Christmas at home again - which we haven't since.

Go away this year.

When you return, say you enjoyed it so much, you have realised how much you (plural) bloody hate hosting Christmas, so you won’t ever be doing it again.

Then sit back and stick to your guns. They can think you are selfish, who cares. Just repeat repeat repeat, no, we are never hosting At Christmas ever again…

Sometimes you just have to accept that another person may think you're selfish. It doesn't always mean that what they want from you is reasonable. Make it clear early on what will or won't be happening and accept whatever response you get.

You need to build up your emotional resilience and learn to stand strong against the emotional blackmail.
Tell them they are very welcome to stay over Christmas, give them an arrival day and a leave day, but that no dogs will be welcome in the house.
Depending on where you live, perhaps you can suggest a local dog-friendly hotel they could stay at instead, where they can bring their dog and just pop in and out of your home for shorter periods while the dog sleeps.

Don’t say no dogs this year, again. You tried last year, you ended up with dogs anyway, plus you were ’punished’ by both sides.
Just say no to hosting this year.
No dogs, no people.
It is ok to do this.

You shouldn’t have to do this but I have an idea.. why don’t you say you went to a friends house and ended up covered in a terrible rash and it turns out you have a bad dog allergy? Haha. It’s a white lie but squashes any requests to bring them and if you do it this early it won’t look suspicious

Same OP. For some reason I have hosted Christmas for the last 20 years. Asked if we could take it in turns but my home is bigger. (It isnt) My parents and PIL have health problems and it has just become expected I will host. No help at all, waited on, cost of everything and then they sometimes behave awful. Last year my DM never spoke because she had a bee in her bonnet, Year before my DF hardly said a word as he was upset I wasn't dragging my DC's on a 4 hour round trip to a relatives home I hardly see on boxing day where I just want to chill as I have worked my are off all through December to make sure everyone has a nice time.
My DB spends it with his inlaws(Don't blame him). my Dsis always comes to me. She gets pissd and on eggshells as she can get argumentative.
When January swings round the rest of the year is full of drama, resentment and they aren't supportive at all. My DM said some very hurtful things recently which are not true. Always been the same with me growing up so this year they can spend Christmas in my DSis home. I am booking a break away for my little family. Had enough of all the bad feeling, childish behaviour when just trying to make everyone happy.

OP should not need to accommodate dogs in her own home at Christmas if she doesn't want to. No buying cages etc. And her DC doesn't like it. No is a complete sentence.

have Christmas Day on your own
if the parents / inlaws ask to come ( and it’s up to you and dh , not them )
then they can either ….
1 pop in for a drink / coffee and see everyone( dogs not invited )
2 come and stay for Christmas ( dogs not invited , and if the dogs come , they stay in the car as they are not permit in the home / garden )
3 just stick to your plan and have Christmas home alone

I don't think you can back out unless you become sick this year.

The OP won't be backing out, she hasn't even offered. She knows the respective parents are probably going to ask but they haven't done yet. How can it be backing out when no plans have even been made?

What she would be doing is saying no, something she is absolutely entitled to do. People can ask, they can even demand that she hosts them but that still doesn't mean she can't say no

This is easy. Excited phone calls to anyone who you think might want to come for Christmas. You have won a holiday! Surprise and you won't find out where to until 1 week before Christmas ( puts off anyone who might be tempted to come along). Then you book somewhere you want to go or not (but you need to be inventive about lack of photos when you get home if you hide out). Enjoy your Christmas!

Yes absolutely THIS! Ensure your husband is 100% on side with the plan. 🌹

There are rules!

1. no dogs
2. one set bring the turkey
3. mother set bring the pudding and wine.

both are around a £50 spend. If it’s not enough wine, both bring wine!

you can do the doing, but needs to be in your terms.

investigate local hotels. A premier inn or travelodge is nothing special, but it’s a clean bed you haven’t got to change!

have the food delivered Xmas eve. & have them round for “tea” or cheese and biscuits.

they are not welcome till 11am and give a time they should leave!

tell them in august what their jobs are now!

if they don’t listen, book a holiday … or better still book a holiday for 26/27th (we do).
no one can stay longer than they’re welcome , you need to pack! But you don’t have the stress of being away for Xmas.

Mumsnet has its only special set of typos and autocorrect! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Remember there will be xmas’s they won’t be around!
don’t be so keen to run away and regret it later - just make sure it’s fair to everyone. & more fair for you as host.

Bollocks to that. Why should they get away with putting OP through all that stress just because they’re older?

We’ll all be dead one day. Good reason to have the Christmases we enjoy instead of martyring ourselves for other people.