Who is in the wrong here? Instagram related

[katy322]

I noticed that my boyfriend was following a load of girls, some of whom share half naked pictures every day.

I told my boyfriend I didn’t feel comfortable with this, his argument against this was “yeah but I know her”. He met her twice about ten years ago and has never spoke to her since.
I find it really disrespectful based on the content she posts. And he just argued that he “knows” her
He said he would unfollow her for my sake, but doesn’t agree that he should unfollow her because “he doesn’t look at her pictures”. It’s a literal photo app?? He’s so funny about unfollowing her because he met her twice in like 2013.

Am I wrong in feeling really uncomfortable and annoyed about this?

So if your partner demanded you cut out all men from your life, you would respect that as his boundary?

If he demanded you cook and clean for him every night you would respect that because it’s his boundary?

What about if he didn’t want you to have a relationship with your family? Where is that in the level of boundaries for you?

Boundaries as a whole are healthy, but not all boundaries are healthy.

Well I would expect the answer to that should be -

• I respect your boundaries but that doesn't work for me so maybe this relationship won't work for us.

Then you end the relationship and find someone whose boundaries are more aligned with your own.

Men appreciate hot women in bikinis, or at the gym, on the street or even in Aldi. Whether he does this on Instagram or not is of little consequence. If anyone thinks their man is any different then I would suggest that they are probably deluded. Yes it may make us feel uncomfortable, but we should probably just get over it. It's not going to change.

You seem to be confusing respect for a persons right to voice their boundaries/wishes for their relationship, and an obligation to comply with them.
If my partner wanted any of those particular things from me I'd refuse. He would then be free to move on from the relationship If he wished.
Honestly I have no idea why people get into such knots over such a very straightforward concept.

Aaahhhhhh OP is 20. Makes more sense now.

Because that approach enforces those boundaries as acceptable, until the person demanding them finds someone who isn’t strong enough to say no, which results in a controlling and abusive relationship. If we don’t challenge unhealthy boundaries for what they are, then behaviours don’t change and people don’t improve.

Yes, a woman (and man) should say no to any demand that they disagree with, but unfortunately it’s not always that straightforward, as seen by the many unhealthy relationships shared on MN or by people we know IRL.

I don't think there could be a stronger challenge to what one might feel was an unacceptable boundary than a refusal to comply with it.
As for improving people, I wouldn't be so arrogant as to try. For one thing there is no definitive list of boundaries with one side labelled acceptable the other unacceptable, is there? We all have our different views on that. So I wouldn't take it upon myself to tell another person what they should or shouldn't be rejecting from their relationship.
The (well meaning, non MRA) people who tell OPs they are controlling, are invariably coming from a place of belief in the rightness of their own boundaries, and are trying to impose those onto the OP. When really the fact that you might not have a problem with IG lechery is irrelevant.
The OP has an absolute right to refuse to tolerate it if she has a problem with it.

OP, I'd feel exactly the same.

These are hardly friends of his - they're people he's met a couple of times and continued to follow... why, exactly? Ah, because their online content is so... stimulating.

And even if they WERE friends of his, if they were sharing booby shots of themselves constantly I'd find it a bit creepy for my DP to be looking. My DP would find it weird, too - in fact he and I have had this conversation in the past and he's muted people on Instagram so he's not seeing his work colleague's knockers every time he logs on.

You're absolutely allowed to feel uncomfortable with it. It's not controlling or weird in the slightest. And my guess would be your DP's defending it in the way he is because he feels embarrassed.

Don't let posters here bully you into feeling crazy – you're fine.

Yup 20 years old with it all ahead of her. Let's hope she doesn't waste any of it on some creepy sad act who lies/fantasises about 'knowing' IG models who wouldn't know him from a hole in the ground.

It's not your fault he spat his dummy out and unfollowed a load of people that you didn't ask him to, that's on him, and he can follow them again if he wants to.

It's not controlling to express a boundary to your partner - 'I don't like you interacting with bikini clad women on social media'. Seems fair enough. He can either listen or not, and you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

Plenty of women don't like their partners going into strip clubs or watching porn etc, I rarely see them being called controlling on here.

I am embarrassed... for you.

No you're not mate. You've just got no intelligent rebuttal and are resorting to a tedious MN cliche to try to insult me in lieu.

But it comes back down to the nature of the person who accepts or refuses it. This is how encourage toxic behaviour - by not challenging the behaviour and in fact applauding it as asserting boundaries.

Agreed, someone can say no to a request or demand that they object to. But putting the onus on the person who is on the receiving end to reject the toxic behaviour fails to appreciate that many women are not strong willed or confident enough to say no, and end up being in unhealthy relationships.

@katy322 how old is he, I take it he's significantly older than you if these are women he met a couple of times 10years ago (or claims to have done at least). His over reaction sounds manipulative

You don't need to feel awful, you didn't like him doing it, you told him, he has chosen his own reaction. If he constantly did something like picking his nose, that you didn't like, you would tell him, and he could choose what to do about that. If he carries on regardless, you have the choice to put up with it, or leave the relationship, because it makes you uncomfortable. You have to decide in your own life, what you are willing to put up with. It is nothing to do with people on mumsnet.

We are not going to help women avoid being controlled in their relationships by telling a woman who doesn't want her partner to be leering at women on IG she is being controlling if she asks him to stop.
If we want to avoid women (or men for that matter) from being controlled our best chance of success is to encourage them to resist and have confidence in their right to refuse demands they see as unreasonable.
While obviously the onus shouldn't be on the 'victim' of control to make it stop, we have to be realistic. No genuinely controlling person is suddenly going to mend their ways by being called out on MN. The only hope of ever stopping them is for more people to be empowered to resist. Which can sit very nicely alongside also encouraging people to set boundaries of their own.

Very surprising that so many posters are calling you controlling. It’s completely valid and acceptable for you to feel uncomfortable with your partner following someone of the opposite sex, posting so many revealing photos. Especially someone they barely know/speak to. And for you to address that to him. Don’t feel bad or guilty, you have every right to let him know and feel the way you do. It’s only natural, and part of a relationship is respecting one another’s wishes.

When considering if it is a 'healthy' boundary or not I think you have to consider how social media is used by the younger generations, especially under the age of around 30. It's a relatively new thing in itself but the way it's used has changed a lot.

My mum wouldn't think twice about liking a photo of Gary from down the road. She wouldn't expect him to think anything of it other than she liked the photo.

For younger people, social media plays a massive role in how they 'date' and get to know each other. A message isn't simply a message saying hi, it's 'sliding into DMs' with a probably intention of flirting.

OP's boyfriend liking bikini photos of a woman he doesn't know is the modern equivalent to a random woman walking past your house in a bikini every day and your husband running out to tell her she looks good. I can't see many of the women on here liking that 😂

Social media etiquette in relationships is probably drastically different depending on how old you are. It's an expectation in younger relationships that your boyfriend won't like photos of other women, as it might be in other relationships that your husband doesn't approach women he doesn't know and tell them they're beautiful.

Op you should probably ask to get this moved to relationships because you're not going to get many decent responses on aibu.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't like it either. Sorry, we haven't all got loads of self esteem and therefore happy with our partner viewing other women's tits on a daily basis. I agree he spat his dummy out.

I had the same situation op I did kick off about it

its disrespectful in a commited relationship to be seeking out half naked women online on a public platform

it is a form of very public leering it needs to change you are right to be annoyed

Tbh if they have met and are therefore acquaintances I think you are unreasonable to control who he follows on Instagram.

A few years ago I would have said chill out, it's your insecurities BUT this is an exact situation my friend found herself in with her on off on off BF.

In her case, this was the start of her disrespecting her in so many other ways which is still going on years later. It's boring, I'm going to say cut your losses a shes not respecting or even acknowledging your feelings.

What in the world does them having met twice 10 years ago got to do with anything?

You'd be perfectly happy with your DP sitting and staring at a woman's scantily-clad boobs in person too, then, as long as they had exchanged a few words a decade before?

YANBU

Just the ones who wear bikinis?