Saying No to sleepovers

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Does it make me a bad person if I say no to sleepovers?

My son is five and he starts year 1 in September, he's very much looking forward to it and he's making me send pictures to everyone we know of his "big boy clothes" as he calls it. I've met a few of the parents of the children in his class this year and one Mum is very big on sleepovers even though I've politely declined many times.

I've no objection to play-dates, birthday/halloween/easter parties or going round for tea ocassionally but this Mum will not stop. And to me its coming across as rather odd, I dont know how many times I can say No. I'm not withholding sleepovers forever just for a few years. I know we all parent in our own ways and I'd never tell her how to raise her child but she's telling me Im traumatising my son (how?) and stunting his development (again.. how?) my child is very social but trusts adults too easily, which is something I'm working on with him

What can I say to this woman so she'll understand me?

AIBU im not letting my son have sleepovers?

Is this how you actually talk in real life?

Ds is 12 and isn't allowed to go on or have sleep overs.

Haha. When I'm pissed off, yes. I'm trying to move on from "oh, why don't you just fuck off" 🤣

We have a no sleepover policy until secondary school. People are welcome to sleep at ours but I will never let her sleep at anyone other than grandparents.

I did sleepovers with my neighbours in the early 1970s aged about 6/7 . I had two brothers and next door (2 fields away) had 2 girls. I bloody loved it. We had a smaller house and so reciprocated with summer sleepovers in a tent in the garden which was fabulous...

My own started about 8/9 ... by 13 we had hoards of them.. again tents in the garden and 10-12 kids. Bloody great fun..

BUT ... would not have done it at 5 with any of them.

That made me laugh 😅 you sound like me. (or DH, who's stock answer to most of life's problems is ''oh just fuck them off out of it''. It's a standing joke in the family now, but you know, sometimes it's a perfectly valid reaction!)

I pictured your answer as a text, so it sounded ok from that point of view.

Exactly children love having friends to stay overnight.

Staying up chatting etc it's all part of the fun

Controlling I agree and shame for the children.

This woman’s attitude isn’t normal.

Some people don’t want their child staying over with friends even much older than 5. It’s a simple no , end of the matter.

🙄

Fun parent.

In MN style No is a complete sentence.

I'd distance myself from her - she sounds a pain in the arse.

Oh no. Five is too young

@dottypotter I am actually, I just don't allow sleepovers.

Especially with a school friend as presumably, you dont know them too well after just 1 year

You dropped snacks through the letterbox!

Did you sit on the doorstep til they got up?

I'd possibly let a 5 year old do a sleepover with scouts where it's a group and the adults are trained and DBS checked. No way in a private home unless I had experience of how the family managed bedtime, bathtime etc (so that would rule out most families apart from close relatives really). 8 is soon enough. I would also want my child well versed in privacy boundaries, want to have met everyone in the house, have seen the inside of the house, etc. Plus the child would actually want to go of course! All kinds of dodgy things go on at sleepovers. I went on a lot of sleepovers as a child. I survived but not all the experiences were positive!

Our older ones never had sleepovers other than family and our younger ones will be the same sorry but for us it's the crazy world we live in

I know a few families like this. Some it’s a controlling thing or a not wanting their child to mix socially outside of their wider family or particular community thing - those children rarely accept birthday party or play date invites either, which I agree is a shame but each to their own.

But I’ve also had conversations with parents who don’t or won’t allow sleepovers due to sexual abuse concerns, in at least one case because they were assaulted themselves as a child on a sleepover. It’s not exactly unreasonable to be uneasy about your child sleeping in a home where even if you know the parents well (or think you do) you might not know siblings, big brother’s mates or big sister’s boyfriend. And even without that concern, it’s still a big thing to trust your child won’t be exposed to drinking, illegal substances, inappropriate movies (my sibling was upset for months after being shown 18 rated horror movies at a primary school sleepover), dubious adult behaviour etc etc. For some people that fairly small risk is worth it for the enjoyment their child gets from sleepovers, but I can’t condemn people who think otherwise.

Mine are six and eight and have never slept anywhere without either me or their dad apart from at my parents house. They're very close with my parents as they cared for them as babies while I was at work and, alongside some nursery, until they started school. I wouldn't trust anyone without that close relationship to be able to take care of their needs at night yet.

I didn't have sleepovers with friends until I was in year six and that was one, specific friend who lived literally round the corner and our mums were friends. After that I started going to sleepover "parties" in year seven and eight.

Five is far too young for a sleepover with a friend. What if he gets frightened? My six year old still sometimes gets up and wants a cuddle in our bed if she's had a nightmare, and I don't consider that unusual at her age. I'd hate the idea of her upset at someone's house who didn't know her well or, maybe even worse, "being brave" and holding it in while they were upset.

It's a no from me and if this woman continues just don't engage with it- have a party line that you keep repeating such as "whilst we don't agree on this, I'd like you to respect my decision on sleepovers at this age"'or something.

I had similar with my dd. She was 8 though, so technically "old enough" (in my view) but one mum just would not stop asking no matter how much I politely declined! In the end I told her that my dd didn't want to sleep at anyone's house and i thought it was best if we just left it for now and I'd let her know if and when that changed. She still badgered for play dates but got the message on the sleepovers and never asked again.

We waited until our oldest two were 8 before entertaining sleepovers, it suited our dc and me ...tbh I couldn't be arsed hosting very young school friends, too much supervision/management required for my liking!

Don't be afraid to say to annoying parent that you won't be doing sleepovers until around X age but happy to have the kids play together blah blah blah and if she keeps asking say "why do you keep asking?"

I’m not particularly over protective of my two DSs but I don’t like the idea of sleepovers. It’s not men in macs in alleyways we need to worry about, it’s unknown older brothers and dads. This is simply based on fact / statistics.

I have managed to avoid them so far (DSs are 10 and 14, with good friendships). The only one I was fine with was a group sleepover with about 8 friends all in a playroom together so no privacy/ secrecy.

You do not have to apologise or justify this parenting decision to anyone, ever. Just be polite.

I'm have a high degree of suspicion with people who actively try to part me from my children against my wishes. What's their agenda, what are they trying to achieve?

I'm not saying she has deliberately nefarious intentions but I wouldn't trust her at all if she is ignoring my wishes for my child.

I agree that 5 is far too young but some responses on this thread are really weird. Key stage 2 age was the optimum sleepover age for DD. Usually the same few friends and was reciprocated, parents got to know each other and any issues a child could be picked up/run home. When they get to high school they are kind of past the sleepover stage!

Having a friend stay over maybe, but a proper sleepover from 8 years upwards is a lovely thing for children to do (if you have the space and depending on your personal circumstances etc). For context I have worked in child protection for over 20 years, as parents we have to assess and manage risk. A blanket ban because of 'potential sex offenders' based on no evidence is crazy and does not give a particularly helpful message to children. We are raising future adults so how is it helpful to distrust everyone and not let them spead their wings in a safe way? Developing independence in age appropriate steps is a key responsibility as a parent.

Perhaps the "no sleepovers" people have lived experience outside of being a professional child protection expert that makes sleepovers a no-go for them.

A professional child protection bod would surely understand that there are risks with peer on peer abuse as well as stranger abuse. It's not always the dad, it can be the friend of the family who's staying the night. It can be an older sibling who has a phone and exposes a young child to something they shouldn't be seeing.

It's easy to write it off as overly concerned parents, but child sex abuse levels are estimated around 1 in 9 to 1 in 20 depending on different studies, so statistically that's a likelihood of 1-3 kids per classroom is in a sexually abusive situation, and you can't tell which child it is.