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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying No to sleepovers

79 replies

whereswallyhidingtoday · 24/08/2023 12:40

Does it make me a bad person if I say no to sleepovers?

My son is five and he starts year 1 in September, he's very much looking forward to it and he's making me send pictures to everyone we know of his "big boy clothes" as he calls it. I've met a few of the parents of the children in his class this year and one Mum is very big on sleepovers even though I've politely declined many times.

I've no objection to play-dates, birthday/halloween/easter parties or going round for tea ocassionally but this Mum will not stop. And to me its coming across as rather odd, I dont know how many times I can say No. I'm not withholding sleepovers forever just for a few years. I know we all parent in our own ways and I'd never tell her how to raise her child but she's telling me Im traumatising my son (how?) and stunting his development (again.. how?) my child is very social but trusts adults too easily, which is something I'm working on with him

What can I say to this woman so she'll understand me?

AIBU im not letting my son have sleepovers?

OP posts:
Giddypup · 24/08/2023 15:34

wouldn’t want my young child having a sleepover with a family I hardly knew, and I wouldn’t want to host anyone else’s young child(unless family) for a sleepover over.
Is she asking because she is hoping it’ll will be reciprocated?
Simply say you feel he’s too young right now and ignore.

GingerIsBest · 24/08/2023 15:39

I can't get my head around some random woman, on being told, constantly repeating the question and then telling you that you're parenting wrong.

I think this is a person you want to try very hard to avoid personally. I mean, I'm not a "no sleepovers until they're 16" person but I think it's pretty common for 5 year olds to not be doing sleepovers. It's even MORE common for any sleepovers that do happen, at any age, to only happen at the point at which the child and the parent are comfortable with the concept AND with the family the sleepover is happening with. So this woman's pushiness would have all kinds of alarm bells ringing for me.

Rudolphthefrog · 24/08/2023 15:40

You’d be far in the majority of parents I suspect. With the exception of one set of grandparents, absolutely no way in hell would my children be going for a sleepover anywhere age 5, especially not where the parent is clearly weird, pushy and doesn’t respect boundaries. The fact she’s so invested in the idea would put me right off - is she hoping for reciprocal invitations so she can go out or something?

There are a couple of families I’d now allow sleepovers with, but I’ve known them for many years, had their kids for lengthy play dates and vice versa and our kids are now more like y5/6 than y1. As it happens the kids themselves don’t want to, so it’s never happened. They aren’t traumatised or stunted.

CrossStitchX · 24/08/2023 15:41

5 is quite wee. Didn't start here until they were 7 or 8 - and it was really always more of a thing with the girls. Neither of my boys were ever interested in hosting or attending sleepovers.

dhilez · 24/08/2023 15:58

5 is quite young, especially with most boys. 7-8 is the usual age although my DD started at 6 with her group of friends.

Some people saying not until teenagers sounds quite weird and controlling to me especially if the child is asking and mature enough but each to their own.

It’s odd that the person keeps asking especially if you’ve declined multiple times, that would annoy me.

RainbowRuby · 24/08/2023 16:01

If you aren't comfortable - then you aren't comfortable. 'In our family we don't have sleepovers, everyone is different'.

MeridianB · 24/08/2023 16:07

5 is way too young and you don’t need to explain.

the idea of a sleepover seems like the best thing in the world to small children, but the reality (IME) often ends in tears and a trip to collect them at about 9pm.

Play dates are the way to go at this age.

MumblesParty · 24/08/2023 16:09

5 is too young.
I think my kids were about 9 before they went to sleepovers, and that was only with kids they knew very well, and I knew the parents very well.
If anyone asked me when they were younger, or if it was a household I wasn’t comfortable with, I just said things like “DS isn’t a great sleeper, often wakes in the night”. Most host parents run a mile at that!

Lemonyyy · 24/08/2023 16:10

YANBU 5 is way too young and someone being weird and pushy about it would put me off more!

Bbq1 · 24/08/2023 16:23

7 or 8 sleepovers begin and only with children and parents you know well.

MrsPositivity1 · 24/08/2023 16:25

I said no to sleepovers for both my children. They hated me for it but I stuck to my guns.

Glitterblue · 24/08/2023 16:30

This reminds me of when my daughter was 2 and my widowed FIL and a new partner who was absolutely obsessed with wanting to have her overnight and I didn’t want that at all - she was far too young and she wasn’t a good sleeper at the best of times. She wouldn’t stop going on about it and didn’t stop at all until she left FIL 3 years later. I never gave in to her but she annoyed me with how persistent she was! DD didn’t want to do any sleepovers until she was 9 - her first time away from home was when she had her year 4 residential and then she was away at a birthday sleepover a couple of months after that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2023 16:31

Yanbu. When my dd was 6, she was pushed into going on a sleepover at a girl’s house. (I am not a well woman and didn’t have the energy and strength to combat her persistence, goading dd to come etc). Neither girl could sleep so at around 1am the parents took their dd in their room leaving mine alone and scared. I luckily sent dd with an old phone and she called me at 6.30am so I could calm her down. I dropped snacks through the letterbox and collected dd as soon as they were up at gone 9.

The next sleepover, dd was 7, nearly 8 and it was at my house. Again, neither girl could sleep so I set them up in a pop up tent in the bedroom with me and read to them til the went to sleep at 11pmish. That way they felt separate but safe.

Iammetoday · 24/08/2023 16:37

I fine sleepovers a but weird. My ds 7 friends mum is a big fan and often asks- her son is an only child and everything revolves around him. I think the mum wants it more than him. So at a playdate last week she orimised my ds a sleepover before summer ends.. now my ds really wants to go so I'm reluctantly going with it. My dc are in beavers/ cubs and been away with them and with school so are fine away from home but still fine it a bit weird!

Whitewolf2 · 24/08/2023 16:41

Very odd that she is so insistent.

5 is very young to sleep somewhere with no family, at that age you’ve got nightmares, toilet trips, feeling poorly, missing family, lots to contend with. I wouldn’t consider it, they’re only just old enough to leave for a day time play date at that age!

Redwinestillfine · 24/08/2023 17:23

She's a crank. When you do feel ready to let him sleepover in a few years I wouldn't be letting him sleep at hers.

Catsandbikes · 24/08/2023 17:39

Create some distance now before you're attached to this woman for the entirety of primary school.
I had someone who did something similar and it was largely in the hope of a reciprocal offer! The things she's saying to you are very odd.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 24/08/2023 18:18

5 is too young but we allowed them from around 8. Only with parents we know well.

Hibiscrubbed · 24/08/2023 18:51

PurpleChrayne · 24/08/2023 12:44

"I've said no on multiple occasions now. It's slightly weird that you keep asking."

That would probably do it.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 24/08/2023 19:11

Yanbu and I would never allow one at hers regardless of age due to her weird insistence over having a child she doesn't even really know for a sleepover.

EsmeSusanOgg · 24/08/2023 19:40

I blame Bing for the early sleep over thing. It happens in at Leary one episode and the characters are all 3-5ish. This has led to my 5 year old and his friends asking for them. But as parents we've all said no. Not for a couple of years. He has slept over at his cousin's (my sister) but that was when I had threatened pre-term labour and needed to go to hospital overnight.

bellac11 · 24/08/2023 19:43

How is it progressing to a conversation where she is saying you are traumatising or stunting your son, does she just blurt this stuff out or are you trying to justify yourself?

I wouldnt get into conversation with her about it

Okki · 24/08/2023 19:48

I think I'd say next time - Thank you for the invitation. I have previously said no on a few occasions as I feel he's too young. You have criticised my decision in the past and what I am now taking away from this is that you have no respect for my decisions as a parent. I now don't feel you will safeguard my child in a manner I will be comfortable with. The answer is no for the forseeable future. If you ask me again, the friendship will be withdrawn.

QuietDragon · 24/08/2023 19:48

I can't imagine why anyone would want a 5yo sleeping over at their house. It's way too young and another example of pushing children to grow up too fast.

Family is different, but school friends you hardly know? Nope.

ChubbyMorticia · 24/08/2023 19:52

“Huh. You know, one of the things I’m working to teach my child is to respect someone’s no, and that people who push after being told no are rude and probably shouldn’t be trusted.”