Entitled child - AIBU

[Howldens]

I am really struggling with my 12 year old son. He seems to have a level of entitlement that I am afraid I have encouraged in him by encouraging him to put forward his own opinions & thoughts and be involved in decision making.
I’m interested to see if any other parents are / have experienced this and what they are doing to solve.

more info:

I think for me there’s a set of behaviours / traits that exist along a spectrum.

At one end of the spectrum he is confident & articulate. He never struggles in adult company, did a singing solo at the school play, (something I would never have had the confidence to do), and is interesting in conversation.

At the other end of the spectrum he is very entitled and obstinate - and seems to expect an “adult” level of control over his existence. Some examples:

Questioning dinner menu, questioning provenance of ingredients (!). For example: ASDA bad, Waitrose good 🥴. Then often complaining about what’s being cooked eg lasagne

Being really difficult, moody, complaining, about leaving the house on family trips despite ultimately enjoying them EVERY TIME. Saying he hates the destination, doesn’t feel he should have to join, why should he join etc.

Refusing to share with his brother - PS5, cookies he’s cooked - anything really.

Questioning EVERYTHING I do - decisions I make, my own behaviour & choices - everything.

I am glad we have raised him to be able to put forward his pov, but it’s clear to me that we haven’t done a great job of teaching him when his unique wants in the moment aren’t the only consideration.

So it it’s worst his behaviour affects others and specifically me & his brother, without any regard for our needs, and his place in the “pecking order” for want of a better expression…. feel my parenting is to blame because I wanted to teach him to communicate with confidence and feel listened to. 😬

Does this feel like something others have experienced? How have you dealt with it?

So when he's complaining about what's for dinner or what supermarket you use or where you're going on a family day out, or refusing to share cookies he's made with his brother, what do you actually say to him?

If you want him to understand that the world doesn't revolve around him, you have to tell him that. I think most parents, if their child whined about their dinner containing ingredients from Asda, would say "Well, when you're living on your own and doing all the shopping and paying for everything, you can buy your dinner from wherever you like, but right now you're a child who gets everything done for them and you don't get to dictate what supermarket we go to, so you can like it or lump it'. Similarly with the cookies. If I'd made cookies and said I wasn't giving any of them to my brother, my mum would have said 'Yes, you ARE giving some to your brother because I'm not having you being greedy and selfish in my house, thank you'.

It's pretty common for teens or kids approaching their teens to be selfish and argumentative, to be honest. But that doesn't mean you have to let the attitude go unchecked. He won't learn that he has to consider other people's needs if you never tell him.

Sounds irritating but perfectly ordinarily so for a child of that age! He'll grow up eventually!!

This is great advice.

We all go through a stage of selfishness as teens/pre teens so that part is normal.

The way we come out of it is having people correct our behavior in my experience.

Sounds like a normal 12 year old to me. If you think he's bad now you're in for a fun few years.

I would say don't over parent him, reinforce boundaries but have flex on non serious ones. He can't get to dictate the shops you do the grocery shopping in but listen to his reasoning and counter it with yours but with the "and as I pay the bills I'm afraid we will keep shopping here". The not sharing, why should he share his possessions? Do you share yours?

Oh no @ManateeFair i do tell him!! I give him really short shrift on all of it. I guess I wonder if others have better / more successful techniques for managing it (or preferably putting a stop to it) because we are just at loggerheads over every decision at the moment!

In the case of making cookies from house hold ingredients that you've paid for then unless they're for a specific purpose they get shared with the household. He can do jobs to to earn money to pay for his own nice things if he wants.

Doesn't sound like a normal 12 year old to me, sneering at non waitrose shops!

It’s called “Puberty” “being a teenager” and “growing up”

Loads of teenagers are insufferable, as we were .. always thinking we knew best, on all number of political and social topics.

Back in my youth and Aldi first moved into the town it was Aldi everyone sneered at. It very much is a thing in this age group!

Yep ok I didn’t think of that line…re cookies.

and to PP - the PS5 isn’t his. It’s shared.

its comforting to hear that much of this is normal.? And yes I am terrified of the teen years!!

A time table for the PS5 and keep it in a communal area. If he doesn't give up the controller at the end of his time then he loses his next time slot. Every minute over time is a minute off the next slot.

And my (now 17) DD, refused to eat the ham from the Pizza at a school sleepover as it wasn’t Prosciutto 😂😂

But sneering at certain brands/lack of a particular brand is very normal just depends what they've picked up on. He's just equated Waitrose as being posh/better and ASDA as being cheap/poor quality but doesn't yet have the intelligence to realise a lot of the staples come from exactly the same factories or that either way this is a really awful opinion to express to your parents.

But better to do this at 12 rather so can be trained by parents and grow up to be a pleasant adult, not at 18 when his peer group would just think poorly of him.

See @ExtraOnions i really struggle with this level of entitlement. I don’t think it serves the kids to have such high expectations- especially in a world that might become less abundantly consumerist as they grow up. I think they’d do well to learn how to “make do”. I didn’t realise when raising him I was setting his expectations so high. I idea where the Waitrose thing came from - I don’t shop there!!

Sounds like a normal teenager! No frontal lobe, no empathy, selfish, blinkered. Maintain minimum standards of behaviour and get him to do jobs (dishwasher, washing up, laundry etc). Don’t react when he does a Kevin the teenager response. And repeat. For years. We are at this stage too, it’s a killer and I’ve lost my shit loads, but can truly say that keeping calm whilst maintaining boundaries is extremely effective. Douses the flames rather than feeds them. We link conduct (behaviour, help round house etc) to privileges - phone, lifts, freedom. Consequences are key - if I’m paying your phone bill, I can remove it if you don’t contribute to the house. After MONTHS of this, when I say ‘can you empty the dishwasher’ if just happens as they know that the alternative takes MUCH longer in the end and will result in a consequence.

good Luck! Sounds normal but totally feel your pain.

Ha, we have the exact same thing with our 12yo DD. She wants to decide which supermarket we go to, and then often polices what I put in the trolley (you don't need that, that's too expensive, I thought you were on a diet etc etc.) It drives me absolutely mad - I'm a bloody adult and I'll put what I want in the trolley! I never spoke to my parents like that.

We just firmly tell her that it's not up to her, and when she's an adult she can have control over her own shopping. I thought it was down to her being an only child and she's autistic so maybe somehow to do with that, but this thread has made me ask whether it's actually more common in this age group!

A quick 'thank you for your opinion but you aren't being asked your opinion in this instance' and move on often works or 'I didn't ask for your opinion, thank you'

The cookies, I bought the ingredients, it's my choice who gets to eat them and if you're being unkind and not sharing with your brother you won't get any at all.

PlayStation, you give them a certain amount of credits which equal hours, if he behaves he gets credits and if he doesn't they get taken away.

You just need to double down on boundaries and make him understand that it's nice to have opinions and be heard but that he is still a child and his opinion is not always necessary or wanted depending on the situation. We're going to so and so place, oh I hate it blah blah blah, well get your shoes on and get in the car as I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself once we get there. And disengage.

Thankyou @Guiltridden12345 this is incredibly helpful

good luck!

It's what they do. It's the same attitude as being bullied for the wrong brand of trainers or wrong coat at school. They decide what is/isn't cool/acceptable and kick back against anything that doesn't fit that ideal.

They're meant to rebel and argue against us. Stand your ground and hold firm on what is important and inflexible and give a little in other areas. He will moan and complain about far bigger things than Waitrose v Asda as he grows up.

If my DC comment on the food at mealtimes I say "you are more than welcome to shop and cook for us all tomorrow night".

But in general this does sound pretty normal OP. I have three teens btw.

Questioning dinner menu: fine. 12 is old enough to look up a recipe that he likes the look of, write out for you the ingredients that he needs, and take the lead on cooking the meal. He might need help with the actual cooking, but if he already does cookies on his own then why not dinner?

He can then taste for himself the disappointment of his brother not liking what he's made.

We had the supermarket thing too. It’s just more exciting having interesting “expensive” things in the food cupboard (similar to a meal deal being more prized than a homemade cheese sandwich).

I often countered with a money argument that had consequences. Eg I’d say

“hmm well I’ve worked out that the Asda shop is £100 but with Waitrose it would total £140. I’m sticking to Asda as it’s more affordable from our household income. However, if you really think we should go Waitrose I’m happy to do so - you’d have to make up the difference though as it’s only you that wants this change. Would you like to transfer me the £40 or have it deducted in two instalments from your next two allowances”.

Strangely enough asda became perfectly acceptable.

@Lemons1571 perfect!

It makes me cringe now but when I was between eleven and fifteen I turned my nose up at so much my mum did! I told her the neighbour used fabric conditioner (we didn’t it was a new thing at the time), and washed her kitchen floor every day so why didn’t we? My socks were never white enough so I insisted on doing my own washing so that it met my standards 😆 I told her she should dress more modern because Debbie Harry always looked fabulous and she was the same age! I compared her unfavourably to the woman I babysat for, told her she looked horrible when she was asleep on the sofa (she always seemed to have a bad tempered expression while sleeping!) I complained we had mince for dinner too often and that I didn’t get as much pocket money as my friends. I turned into a nice adult eventually!

Congrats you have a standard teen like every single parent of a teen out there.

Litrally nothing here is unusual. Teens a biologically programed to think they know better than you... they are suppose to flop the other way, its to do with detachment to prepare for independence.