Entitled child - AIBU

[Howldens]

I am really struggling with my 12 year old son. He seems to have a level of entitlement that I am afraid I have encouraged in him by encouraging him to put forward his own opinions & thoughts and be involved in decision making.
I’m interested to see if any other parents are / have experienced this and what they are doing to solve.

more info:

I think for me there’s a set of behaviours / traits that exist along a spectrum.

At one end of the spectrum he is confident & articulate. He never struggles in adult company, did a singing solo at the school play, (something I would never have had the confidence to do), and is interesting in conversation.

At the other end of the spectrum he is very entitled and obstinate - and seems to expect an “adult” level of control over his existence. Some examples:

Questioning dinner menu, questioning provenance of ingredients (!). For example: ASDA bad, Waitrose good 🥴. Then often complaining about what’s being cooked eg lasagne

Being really difficult, moody, complaining, about leaving the house on family trips despite ultimately enjoying them EVERY TIME. Saying he hates the destination, doesn’t feel he should have to join, why should he join etc.

Refusing to share with his brother - PS5, cookies he’s cooked - anything really.

Questioning EVERYTHING I do - decisions I make, my own behaviour & choices - everything.

I am glad we have raised him to be able to put forward his pov, but it’s clear to me that we haven’t done a great job of teaching him when his unique wants in the moment aren’t the only consideration.

So it it’s worst his behaviour affects others and specifically me & his brother, without any regard for our needs, and his place in the “pecking order” for want of a better expression…. feel my parenting is to blame because I wanted to teach him to communicate with confidence and feel listened to. 😬

Does this feel like something others have experienced? How have you dealt with it?

Don’t give him short shrift.

How would you explain to your DH or to a friend why you do what you do?

Think of him as an adult with less information. E.g. imagine he is someone who came to stay from overseas and will be doing your shopping and planning for you for a while.

Treat him with respect.

If I had a friend who said “because its my decision” all the time, I would stop seeing that person.

Treat your son like a friend you would like to continue to want to see you.

Sounds normal to me too. Typical kid that age. Honestly you’ve a road to go yet before he becomes fully grown up and well adjusted member of society,

My son is 13 and just the same. I am a teacher and generally speaking years 8-9 are not the best periods in many young people's lives!

They will become pleasant human beings again eventually. Almost certainly.

My son feels that supermarket pizza is very inferior to Dominoes and that we should always get Dominoes. I try to point out to him that a supermarket pizza is about £1.50 and a Dominoes £10 and the effect when four of us are eating. The usual "we're not made of money" as well as telling him how many hours we have to work to pay for a family takeaway after deductions. How much it would cost to have Dominoes each week over a month and what else we could do with that money.

He can also be fussy like "this isn't our usual brand of cheese" and I tell him he won't be able to go on school trips e.g. the one he is looking forward to abroad or eat at friends houses/sleepover if he can't just eat what he is given.

I was surprised at the amount of support they gave kids in sport and music as well. A couple of the girls in her squad were keen athletes and they represented the squad at competitive events. They got access to coaches and driven around. The army cadets had a band, so music lessons were provided. Bargain for £5 a month! And you are right about the discipline and respect. She worked hard to get promoted and got a huge sense of achievement from it as well.

Sorry @Fivethirtyeight to be clear I don’t mean short shrift in the sense of not engaging with him at all. But I struggle to get it right between being too soft a parent (and explaining every decision) vs being draconian (and just saying “because I said so”). And I do know there’s something between the two.

Being really difficult, moody, complaining, about leaving the house on family trips despite ultimately enjoying them EVERY TIME. Saying he hates the destination, doesn’t feel he should have to join, why should he join etc.

Refusing to share with his brother - PS5, cookies he’s cooked - anything really.

Questioning EVERYTHING I do - decisions I make, my own behaviour & choices - everything.

This is perfectly standard but annoying 12 yo behaviour. The food snobbery hasn't come from nowhere, he must have internalised those messages from family....

That is fantastic! I didn’t realise they did all that neither.
My friend is a Padre (like chaplain) of a squadron and she sees the kids once a week, and doesn’t always talk God with them - she is moreover a figure they can just trust neutrally if needed, who isn’t a teacher or parent. It’s amazing how many of the biggest, apparently toughest -6 year olds, usually always in trouble for something at home or school have ended up chatting to her, even sobbing on her shoulder when things get too much.
We were out having coffee yesterday and three kids came up and all wanted to high five her 🤣🤣

Meant 16 year olds - sorry typing without glasses!

12 years is old enough to head out to the shops if he does not like the ingredients that you buy. Nip this in the bud now before the more boundary pushing demands arrive in the mid teens.