Entitled child - AIBU

[Howldens]

I am really struggling with my 12 year old son. He seems to have a level of entitlement that I am afraid I have encouraged in him by encouraging him to put forward his own opinions & thoughts and be involved in decision making.
I’m interested to see if any other parents are / have experienced this and what they are doing to solve.

more info:

I think for me there’s a set of behaviours / traits that exist along a spectrum.

At one end of the spectrum he is confident & articulate. He never struggles in adult company, did a singing solo at the school play, (something I would never have had the confidence to do), and is interesting in conversation.

At the other end of the spectrum he is very entitled and obstinate - and seems to expect an “adult” level of control over his existence. Some examples:

Questioning dinner menu, questioning provenance of ingredients (!). For example: ASDA bad, Waitrose good 🥴. Then often complaining about what’s being cooked eg lasagne

Being really difficult, moody, complaining, about leaving the house on family trips despite ultimately enjoying them EVERY TIME. Saying he hates the destination, doesn’t feel he should have to join, why should he join etc.

Refusing to share with his brother - PS5, cookies he’s cooked - anything really.

Questioning EVERYTHING I do - decisions I make, my own behaviour & choices - everything.

I am glad we have raised him to be able to put forward his pov, but it’s clear to me that we haven’t done a great job of teaching him when his unique wants in the moment aren’t the only consideration.

So it it’s worst his behaviour affects others and specifically me & his brother, without any regard for our needs, and his place in the “pecking order” for want of a better expression…. feel my parenting is to blame because I wanted to teach him to communicate with confidence and feel listened to. 😬

Does this feel like something others have experienced? How have you dealt with it?

it is honestly so helpful to know this is normal!!!!

Is he emulating behaviour he’s seen from someone else?

How does your husband help defend you against DS’s disrespect?

Does he show the same disrespect for his father?

A few years ago we had issues with DS wanting to tell us what to do and assert his ‘authority’ (long story, GPs seemed to be bending over backwards to let him have his own way all the time and it did him no favours). One day I showed him Chris Rock’s Big Piece of Chicken sketch. It’s got swearing in it, just to warn you, but he laughed and saw what I was getting at. Many years on if he starts any of the bossing about I say ‘Big Piece of Chicken’ - he laughs, and that’s that. It might also be worth explaining to him, as I did, that while he is undoubtedly a clever lad with many valid points to make, it’s also smart to know when to be quiet, have had to do that a few times with both kids. I know teenagers love opining and arguing but it’s a good life lesson to judge which thoughts are inside thoughts and which desperately need to be shared…

Blimey, I didn't give a shiny shit about supermarkets and what was posh or not when I was 12. Thank God for my childhood.

None of my children (I have 3 over the age of 12) have ever sneered at a supermarket before,

I really don't think it is a 'thing' in this age group at all

I have one of these kids too..its hard going! I am feeling like its akin to wading through treacle but we will get there.

I don't either I just know it was a thing because my parents shopped there.

Welcome to the puberty years, OP. They do come out the other end as perfectly nice human beings, in the main, but it's quite the bumpy ride.

We're coming to the end of it (third child nearly 18) but throughout there was a lot of "when you're financially supporting a family, you can choose what they buy and where they shop. Until then, you don't have a vote."

And also "This is not a democracy, it's a benevolent dictatorship.

Not to mention, "that's fine, love. You can cook that for us all tomorrow."

As they hit this stage they are trying out opinions and rebellions. It's normal and natural, but that doesn't stop it being so bloody frustrating.

They are also seeing more of how other families do things, so there is a steady stream of Why Everyone Else's Parents Are Superior - what they wear, what they cook, holidays, possessions, how much money/independence they give their children etc etc. It's best to be ready for that and not worry.

(Reassure yourself that for any number of DS's friends, YOU are one of the acceptable and cool parents while their own are awful)

Good luckj, and keep your sense of humour.

The supermarket thing in our house atleast is a rub off from social media I think. When that bloody awful prime drink came out and Asda were the only uk stockists at that point well it became to my dd the king of suoermarkets! Now every supermarket and shop holds the crap its quite acceptable to go to Aldi again!

One thing in my defense is I didn’t expect teenage years to start at 12!

The sharing thing is normal. I have one who struggles to share and one who shares willingly. Just keep encouraging/pointing out PS not just his.
Re food try getting him involved in menu planning. I have a weekly planner on fridge which at a weekend I write what is planned for each day's main meal. I ask for ideas etc. But also point out that if they are not keen on 1 days food they will probably prefer the next days and that we all have to eat things that are not our favourite.
With the Asda/Waitrose educate him in budget planning and money. Explain less on food means extra fun money.
Re days out he is on the cusp of being left at home from his age we would say what we were doing and give dc the option to come or not. Think helps then with them feeling they have some control.

It begins in year 6 OP ..I am part of a parents group and its all we have been talking about for the last 12 months.These kids are bright and savvy,they arent daft and we underestimate them at our peril lol x

This last pint is such a good one. I’ve been at a couple of grown up dinner parties where teens are allowed to hold the floor with their opinions, in broadcast mode, and it’s not good preparation for life.

OP, I feel your pain. My seven year old is exactly the same.

Give him the Waitrose food and then tell him he can't have his new game or other stuff because you spent all the money on Waitrose

I personally wouldn't say that this is perfectly normal behaviour for a 12 year old child.

What you as his parent might find 'interesting in conversation' another adult might find a bit annoying and hard work, especially if it is an adult/ teacher who has to consider a number of other 12 year olds. It's a fine line from a cheeky/fun little child to being an annoying teenager!

My children have never been that interested in where i buy ingredients from, but, then i have never involved them in where i'm buying our groceries from. They have choices obviously and get to choose what food, dinners etc they would like (vegetarian kids etc) but, i'm certain they wouldnt be asking or even wondering about where the tin of tomatoes was purchased.

Enrol him in CCF/air cadets! He will soon learn his place in the pecking order hahaha

My now 21 year old used to have this attitude. I was cheap for buying second hand, why didn't we go on long haul holidays every year, why couldn't she do all the (very expensive) one-in-a-lifetime school trips, why couldn't we just buy her all the brands everyone else had at school on demand, why was everything just so shit?! Getting a part time job and working hard for very little and realising the actual cost of things, soon knocked some sense into her! I wouldn't mind but my little treasure had a pony and every fucking time she complained about our supposed tight fistedness, I would just point to the little bugger eating £50 notes in her stable. We were spending plenty of money and plenty on her, it was just never good enough! She drove me crazy but she turned out lovely. Still horse mad as well!

I second this! It was so cheap, about £5 a month and she loved it. It taught her lots of practical skills and quite a few good life lessons.

I don’t know about boys, but my friends and I became teenagers (in our behaviour and attitude) from about 10/11.

Can you spend less time with him? Does he do any sports/activities that occupy his evenings? Do you have a hobby that occupies some of your evenings so you get a break from him and your partner can deal with his entitled attitude?

Just build in more time apart and take more time for yourself - he sounds quite draining to be around.

Just to add that with the PlayStation, build in time for each child to get to a saving point in their game (but don't let them take the piss to get loads of extra time).
I had 3 boys and I think you have to be really 'on' the sharing thing - if he's refusing to do it, then he loses access for a day (or however long you deem fair).

With mine, I just said that when they grow up and have their own houses, they can choose where to shop!
I also say that while I will listen to their opinion, it doesn't mean I will do what they want - they get a say but ultimately I will decide that happens cos I'm the parent.

These responses have really given me a lot of comfort.

in answer to a PP - his dad (from whom I am divorced) is a bit of a snob and his grandad is a world class snob - so I guess that’s where the Waitrose thing comes from.

but to hear this is normal in large part makes it a bit less worrying and gives me confidence that we don’t need to take extreme action - but continue to reinforce boundaries and try to shrug off the small stuff.,.,

This.

It sounds like a joke but you're right. My friend is very involved in it, and she says the effect it has on the kids (particularly the badly behaved ones) is impressive. It really instills discipline and respect.

Sounds completely normal for a boy that age. :)

I remember being the same at that sort of age, and just getting a shrug from my mum and a "when it's your own house, you can do what you like. Until then..."