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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fed up with in-laws

63 replies

elsieandthepooch · 24/08/2023 09:39

We live a good 4 hours away from DH's family. I go and visit when DH wants to go, but find the visits incredibly stressful. DH tends to regress, MIL parrots in DH's ear about things which causes problems between us and then there are the digs and comments from MIL to me about me which are supposed to be "sarcasm / humour" but I found downright rude.

Earlier this year, SIL asked whether her and her son could come and stay with us for a week for a holiday in the summer break. I initially said to DH that I felt a week was too long and maybe 4 days would be better for everybody. This didn't go down very well with anybody and I was basically overruled by MIL who told DH that SIL has depression and a break would do her good. So they came to stay with us for a week.

SIL is depressed and very sensitive. DH works long hours and most evenings wasn't home until 7pm. Whilst I empathise that she has depression, we have had a lot of stressors ourselves the last few months and I asked DH to relay that they would have to really take us as they find us when they came to stay (I've had a health scare - awaiting test results and we've had a couple of financial stressors). SIL and I have always had a somewhat difficult relationship. She is a year older than me but we are completely different people and personalities. We don't really click and conversation is often stilted and awkward. It got to the point where I felt awkward and uncomfortable around her because whatever I said she would take offence at. The last evening of the visit we ordered take out. After the meal SIL vanished. We sat waiting for her to come downstairs, but she didn't re-appear. We just assumed she had gone to bed. After a couple of hours I decided to go to bed myself. As I got upstairs, SIL came out of the bedroom and asked to talk to me. She referenced that from her perspective it was evident DH and I have a "confident relationship" but she doesn't have that confidence and therefore didn't have the confidence to sit with us. I said I was sorry she felt like that and went to bed. I didn't really know what else I could say.

Before they left, SIL asked if she could come for 10 days next summer and asked me if we had got along okay whilst she had been there. Again, I didn't really know what to say and just said I didn't know what our plans were for next summer and that as far as I was concerned we had got on okay, but really thinking we hadn't with the awkwardness, her taking offence over silly things like star signs etc.

Last week we had the MIL come to stay for a week. When DH was at work, she told me that she was very disappointed that SIL had not got the support she needed from me and DH whilst she was down referencing her depression. This was somewhat of a red rag to a bull and I told her that I didn't realise we were meant to have been offering support. MIL said she is unwell with depression and the lack of support we showed around this wasn't helpful. I told MIL that I didn't really have the headspace to think about supporting when I was waiting on health tests to come back and we had our own difficulties going on.

As the week progressed, MIL made more and more comments to me. In the end I decided the best thing was to keep out of her way. We were then going away for a long weekend so I decided two days before to start the packing. This was wrong as MIL parroted to DH that I was obviously avoiding her. This was the final straw after 2 difficult weeks and caused another argument between DH and myself. We never usually argue - I've realised we only argue when the MIL is around.

DH is now talking about us going to stay with MIL for October half term. I really really don't want to. I've previously suggested a hotel, but that causes more problems and upset.

I just don't know how to navigate this difficult SIL and MIL relationship. It is always so stressful.

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 24/08/2023 09:44

Eurgh! They both sound unhinged & downright awful but your main issue is your husband. He needs to step up & have your back. You shouldn't have to put up with shit like that - especially in your own home! If he wants to see them, then he can do so at their homes & without you. 🤷‍♀️

bobotothegogo · 24/08/2023 09:46

Let DH go on his own in October, let family know you have a 2 night maximum stay for guests, tell DH to wise up, do not entertain digs or expectations to host/support SIL.

YANBU

Littlemissprosecco · 24/08/2023 09:46

Tell your husband to grow a pair!
He needs to tell them that everyone needs to be happy not just them. Until they learn to compromise and consider him and his family’s needs then there will be less contact.
But he needs to do this not you, he needs to put his own family first

readingismycardio · 24/08/2023 09:48

You also have a DH problem. So they all come for weeks to "visit", he's at work and you have to deal with them. I only tolerate MIL's visits for 2 nights (weekend) so DH is at home and can manage her.

skilpadde · 24/08/2023 09:52

You need to work out the ground rules with your DH, and establish to what extent he has your back. Make it clear that his family relationships are his job, not yours.

If they're inviting themselves, you say no, that doesn't work. If your DH insists that he's inviting them, good for him, and he can take time off and entertain them.

Make your DH understand that you won't be unfairly criticised or subject to "disappointed" remarks in your own home. If it happens, make yourself scarce, go shopping, do whatever.

If it persists, make yourself even less available. Book a spa day, go visit your own family. Your DH can deal with his own DM and her "disappointment".

Tinkerbyebye · 24/08/2023 09:55

You have a DH problem. I would be sitting him down, tell him exactly what you have said in your post, that you are not there as a help to your sil, in exactly they same way his family tell you they are not there to support you, that she is his sister, not yours

i would also tell him that if anyone wants to come and visit again he is expected to take the time of work, entertain and look after them, and at the moment you are not well enough to contemplate any further contact so he needs to ensure his family contact him direct (if they do contact you I would just say you need to contact xx), he will be responsible for cards, presents etc, and he can go in October on his own.

Feverly · 24/08/2023 10:03

Pass this back to your husband to sort. They do not get to stay in your home when your husband is at work. He needs to do all aspects of hosting them and take time off work. Go about your life, you don't need to sit and listen to their drivel. Your husband is free to visit them all he wants.

Daddylonglegs123 · 24/08/2023 10:04

We are receiving a lot of visits from DH’s family members who all live between 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 hours away.

Thank goodness they all have massive expensively decorated houses, ours is a modest three bed and we have two older teens living at home of different genders so if BIL and family and SIL and partner visit they only visit for a night or two on a weekend (preferring to stay in a hotel so we all have space and they can use annual leave for flash holidays) as they stay in a hotel (it makes it just about manageable).

However, MIL will come to visit (so one of the teens looses a bedroom) she expects to stay for as long as she wants often for between two nights to almost fourteen nights just to wind me up. She is ok for up to two nights and after that she gets far too comfortable and her interference is too much to tolerate and becomes a big problem. We have now managed to get it down to a two night maximum stay which is doable as long as I can see an end to it and she doesn’t get too comfortable.

OP - shorter visits are key or DH can maybe meet them somewhere half way. If DH’s family have a four hour drive I think a three day visit over a weekend is long enough. Also suggest to MIL that you are not properly trained to support SIL and she should be accessing proper support from suitably trained professionals.

NeedTheSeaside · 24/08/2023 10:10

elsieandthepooch · 24/08/2023 09:39

We live a good 4 hours away from DH's family. I go and visit when DH wants to go, but find the visits incredibly stressful. DH tends to regress, MIL parrots in DH's ear about things which causes problems between us and then there are the digs and comments from MIL to me about me which are supposed to be "sarcasm / humour" but I found downright rude.

Earlier this year, SIL asked whether her and her son could come and stay with us for a week for a holiday in the summer break. I initially said to DH that I felt a week was too long and maybe 4 days would be better for everybody. This didn't go down very well with anybody and I was basically overruled by MIL who told DH that SIL has depression and a break would do her good. So they came to stay with us for a week.

SIL is depressed and very sensitive. DH works long hours and most evenings wasn't home until 7pm. Whilst I empathise that she has depression, we have had a lot of stressors ourselves the last few months and I asked DH to relay that they would have to really take us as they find us when they came to stay (I've had a health scare - awaiting test results and we've had a couple of financial stressors). SIL and I have always had a somewhat difficult relationship. She is a year older than me but we are completely different people and personalities. We don't really click and conversation is often stilted and awkward. It got to the point where I felt awkward and uncomfortable around her because whatever I said she would take offence at. The last evening of the visit we ordered take out. After the meal SIL vanished. We sat waiting for her to come downstairs, but she didn't re-appear. We just assumed she had gone to bed. After a couple of hours I decided to go to bed myself. As I got upstairs, SIL came out of the bedroom and asked to talk to me. She referenced that from her perspective it was evident DH and I have a "confident relationship" but she doesn't have that confidence and therefore didn't have the confidence to sit with us. I said I was sorry she felt like that and went to bed. I didn't really know what else I could say.

Before they left, SIL asked if she could come for 10 days next summer and asked me if we had got along okay whilst she had been there. Again, I didn't really know what to say and just said I didn't know what our plans were for next summer and that as far as I was concerned we had got on okay, but really thinking we hadn't with the awkwardness, her taking offence over silly things like star signs etc.

Last week we had the MIL come to stay for a week. When DH was at work, she told me that she was very disappointed that SIL had not got the support she needed from me and DH whilst she was down referencing her depression. This was somewhat of a red rag to a bull and I told her that I didn't realise we were meant to have been offering support. MIL said she is unwell with depression and the lack of support we showed around this wasn't helpful. I told MIL that I didn't really have the headspace to think about supporting when I was waiting on health tests to come back and we had our own difficulties going on.

As the week progressed, MIL made more and more comments to me. In the end I decided the best thing was to keep out of her way. We were then going away for a long weekend so I decided two days before to start the packing. This was wrong as MIL parroted to DH that I was obviously avoiding her. This was the final straw after 2 difficult weeks and caused another argument between DH and myself. We never usually argue - I've realised we only argue when the MIL is around.

DH is now talking about us going to stay with MIL for October half term. I really really don't want to. I've previously suggested a hotel, but that causes more problems and upset.

I just don't know how to navigate this difficult SIL and MIL relationship. It is always so stressful.

@elsieandthepooch

I'm sorry, shit isn't it.

I'd start by telling DH, he either has my back/respects what I say, or he can go and live with either MIL or SIL. That you're not putting up with MIL/SIL & their selfish behaviour anymore.

tell him he's welcome to go and visit/stay whenever he likes, but you're not going. tell him to take/not take the kids depending on how you feel.

honestly, trying to keep DH happy by putting up with their nonsense isn't good for you. Time to put yourself first, he can go there if/when he wants to.

10HailMarys · 24/08/2023 10:11

Your MIL and SIL are both appalling but what the hell is wrong with your DH?

Your MIL ‘overruled’ you over your SIL coming to stay at your house? That isn’t normal. Your MIL doesn’t get to tell you who stays with you or for how long. Your DH is a spineless twat. If he wants to have his tedious sibling staying at your house, he has to be responsible for ‘supporting’ her, not you.

Also - and I speak as someone who has experienced serious clinical depression - being depressed is not an explanation for your SIL’s behaviour. The whole family is actually mad.

NeedTheSeaside · 24/08/2023 10:11

Ooops, sorry, I had intended to delete the OP's quote before I posted!!

Original poster
elsieandthepooch · 24/08/2023 11:19

Thanks for the reality check. I agree that DH is part of the problem and doesn't always have my back. He will not have a bad word said about MIL or SIL, but does acknowledge that SIL is not well with some of the things she says and does. He will, however, happily say things about my family but if I say anything about the above 2 then it just results in an argument.

Christmas is another drama with them always wanting us to go there.

OP posts:
IHateFlies · 24/08/2023 11:23

When you're accused of avoiding her say 'yes I am because she's horrible to be around'
Let dh go to hers by himself.

Hibiscrubbed · 24/08/2023 12:59

Jesus. Your husband is pathetic. And your MIL sounds fucking vile.

“No, I don’t want to be around her. She’s horrible to me.” And repeat. And refuse.

They don’t like you anyway, who gives a shit what they think?

Isthiscorrect · 24/08/2023 14:10

I used to go with my husband and stay for the weekend and then come back. DH would stay the week with Ds and that would be the sum total if my engagement. It was always busy at work 🤷‍♀️ would love to have been there (not).

Original poster
elsieandthepooch · 24/08/2023 15:13

Work is a good excuse but I predominantly work remotely so I can't use that excuse!!

OP posts:
Cellotapedispenser · 24/08/2023 15:32

Your in laws sound horrendous. I echo what other pp have said. Stop letting them tell you what you're doing in your own home. 2 nights is plenty.

For context I spent 20 years trying to please my in laws. Then I grew a pair and now I don't have them to stay, rarely go down and never overnight and do what I want for Christmas. They're not even nasty people just very very different to me and exhausting.

Women spend too much of their lives putting themselves out to please men's families in my view.

angstridden2 · 24/08/2023 15:38

Strange that SIL obviously reported back that you weren’t sufficiently supportive yet wants to come back next year and stay even longer....

OriginalUsername2 · 24/08/2023 15:44

I wouldn’t go. If your regular day-to-day personality isn’t good enough for them, fuck ‘em.

Tell DP the reason is because you’re fed up with it.

OriginalUsername2 · 24/08/2023 15:45

Cellotapedispenser · 24/08/2023 15:32

Your in laws sound horrendous. I echo what other pp have said. Stop letting them tell you what you're doing in your own home. 2 nights is plenty.

For context I spent 20 years trying to please my in laws. Then I grew a pair and now I don't have them to stay, rarely go down and never overnight and do what I want for Christmas. They're not even nasty people just very very different to me and exhausting.

Women spend too much of their lives putting themselves out to please men's families in my view.

Amen.

Nowthenhere · 24/08/2023 15:50

They are not your family, they are an extension of your DH's family and if he wants them to visit them then he needs to be the one 'supporting' and entertaining so you can get on with your life.

"DH, you are very welcome to visit your mum when ever you need. Half term I will be on the other side of the country with our children and enjoying my life."

"If your mum or sister choses to visit, that's great but the most they're welcome is 72 hours. That's it. After that I will be staying else where and you will need to cater for them. They are odd and this is my home too."

Feverly · 24/08/2023 15:55

Your husband is not 'part of the problem', he is the entire problems. Any decent man would have put a stop to their shitty behaviour from the first instant.
You don't need an excuse to not be around them. 'i don't enjoy spending time with people who are unpleasant to me, thanks.'
He gets to slag off your relatives and then fights you if you mention his trash relatives? Time to grow a spine.

Isthiscorrect · 24/08/2023 15:55

elsieandthepooch · 24/08/2023 15:13

Work is a good excuse but I predominantly work remotely so I can't use that excuse!!

The news is full of companies encouraging / demanding people come into work. So sorry it's happening then. No need for advance notice to anyone. Can't argue with an employer. It pays the bills.

MeridianB · 24/08/2023 16:03

Another voice saying your spineless husband is the problem here.

He won’t ever set any boundaries so you’re going have to do that:

Weekend stays with you only - he needs to be there to entertain, support, cook, clean etc etc

No requirement to spend a week with MIL - he can go on his own for a week. If you have to go then can you stay in a hotel see her for a day and then enjoy a day or two doing other things?

Not sure if you have DC but I’d be keeping them away from their unpleasant and manipulative gran as much as possible.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 24/08/2023 16:07

Tell them that if anyone needs support they need to clearly ask for it, and then you can clearly tell them whether you can or can't do what they need. Tell DH he has to take the lead entertaining DSIS and DMIL or they cannot visit.