Fed up with in-laws

[elsieandthepooch]

We live a good 4 hours away from DH's family. I go and visit when DH wants to go, but find the visits incredibly stressful. DH tends to regress, MIL parrots in DH's ear about things which causes problems between us and then there are the digs and comments from MIL to me about me which are supposed to be "sarcasm / humour" but I found downright rude.

Earlier this year, SIL asked whether her and her son could come and stay with us for a week for a holiday in the summer break. I initially said to DH that I felt a week was too long and maybe 4 days would be better for everybody. This didn't go down very well with anybody and I was basically overruled by MIL who told DH that SIL has depression and a break would do her good. So they came to stay with us for a week.

SIL is depressed and very sensitive. DH works long hours and most evenings wasn't home until 7pm. Whilst I empathise that she has depression, we have had a lot of stressors ourselves the last few months and I asked DH to relay that they would have to really take us as they find us when they came to stay (I've had a health scare - awaiting test results and we've had a couple of financial stressors). SIL and I have always had a somewhat difficult relationship. She is a year older than me but we are completely different people and personalities. We don't really click and conversation is often stilted and awkward. It got to the point where I felt awkward and uncomfortable around her because whatever I said she would take offence at. The last evening of the visit we ordered take out. After the meal SIL vanished. We sat waiting for her to come downstairs, but she didn't re-appear. We just assumed she had gone to bed. After a couple of hours I decided to go to bed myself. As I got upstairs, SIL came out of the bedroom and asked to talk to me. She referenced that from her perspective it was evident DH and I have a "confident relationship" but she doesn't have that confidence and therefore didn't have the confidence to sit with us. I said I was sorry she felt like that and went to bed. I didn't really know what else I could say.

Before they left, SIL asked if she could come for 10 days next summer and asked me if we had got along okay whilst she had been there. Again, I didn't really know what to say and just said I didn't know what our plans were for next summer and that as far as I was concerned we had got on okay, but really thinking we hadn't with the awkwardness, her taking offence over silly things like star signs etc.

Last week we had the MIL come to stay for a week. When DH was at work, she told me that she was very disappointed that SIL had not got the support she needed from me and DH whilst she was down referencing her depression. This was somewhat of a red rag to a bull and I told her that I didn't realise we were meant to have been offering support. MIL said she is unwell with depression and the lack of support we showed around this wasn't helpful. I told MIL that I didn't really have the headspace to think about supporting when I was waiting on health tests to come back and we had our own difficulties going on.

As the week progressed, MIL made more and more comments to me. In the end I decided the best thing was to keep out of her way. We were then going away for a long weekend so I decided two days before to start the packing. This was wrong as MIL parroted to DH that I was obviously avoiding her. This was the final straw after 2 difficult weeks and caused another argument between DH and myself. We never usually argue - I've realised we only argue when the MIL is around.

DH is now talking about us going to stay with MIL for October half term. I really really don't want to. I've previously suggested a hotel, but that causes more problems and upset.

I just don't know how to navigate this difficult SIL and MIL relationship. It is always so stressful.

Haven't read the whole thread but think you're a saint (or a fool) to put up with any of this. I couldn't bear to have anyone to stay for a week unless they took full charge of their own entertainment and I never stay with others for longer than 3 or 4 days.

Why would your sil even want to stay with you if she feels so awkward? You certainly shouldn't be tasked with supporting her.

Talk to your husband about what you can reasonably do and refuse to do more. As has been said, it's his family so his responsibility.

I echo this, we argue most about the in laws and their constant need to see us, if it's not at least once a month we are constantly being suggested meet ups until we agree. They live 2 hours away so it's not a short trip.

The regression when home with the parents does my bloody head in, you are late 30s grown up stop acting like your 12. Not to mention that I appear to not exist when he is there and I'm left on child and dog duty whilst he does whatever.

I dared suggest that we had Christmas ourselves at home just us the child and dogs, oh dear god that has caused an insane amount of stress and is almost not worth it (except that it is to be able to spend Christmas in my pj's 😂)

You have my sympathies, I've just started putting my foot down and saying no but that causes arguments so it's not really a win.

He clearly couldn't care less about you and your health issues behaving as he does.

You must have a really low bar not to realise how awful his behaviour is, particularly at this time.

Your husband is really awful and you don't seem to realise it.

You need to wake up to how poorly you are treated by him.

Perhaps you should call Womens aid for a chat.

Have you friends and family you can ask for support?

He seems to treat you like his familys skivvy.

DH really needs to either limit the length of time for these visits or take time off work to entertain his mum and sister. Dumping hosting of people he knows can be difficult (but I assume loves) on you is not reasonable - especially if you have your own worries and concerns at the moment.

I'd suggest weekend/ long weekend only visits for the moment. And let DH knows he needs to be available for most of that time to help host.

I would also say no to a week at half term. That is too much.

Why do folks in his family not do long weekends? DH and I realised that 2-3 nights max is all we can really handle, no matter how much we get on with the house guest. After that we need some space for just us and the kids. I think most people stick to a 3 night max stay for visitors.

If his family come to stay again then DH takes times off work to entertain them or they don't come.
I often don't go to my ILs when DH takes the children. We get on OK but sometimes I need a break too so I stay at home and catch up on stuff or just chill out! Noone gets offended. They want to see DH and DGChildren anyway not me!

Stop looking for excuses and lay it on the line with your husband

Point out that there appears to be one rule for his family and another for yours and please could he justify that to you (he won't be able too)

Tell him exactly what you think and how they make you feel and ask him why that's acceptable.

Tell him exactly how much you are prepared to put up with and what you expect from him re your family

And don't back down!

You are not a therapy centre so your SIL shouldn't come there looking for support and being a gossipy cow at the same time. Your mil, well she can bugger off. Who is she really to be speaking to you like that? She is very sly and says this to you when dh isn't around. I would really give it to her back and stand your ground. And like hell would I be staying with them.

I’m curious. What “support” did your SIL exactly want that you didn’t provide? Did she even say?

I have the same issue. DH's entire family are apparently saints, while mine are entirely human, warts and all. It drives me effing mad. I've spent years pondering the root cause of it and have decided it's a rather annoying narcissistic trait of his (he's perfect, so by extension they are too).

This is excellent advice.

Why can't you use working "remotely" as an excuse? It requires just as much effort and focus as working in an office. You can't reasonably be expected to host and counsel demanding house guests at the same time. If they ask (demand) again tell your DH to see if he has time available for annual leave and if he doesn't, they don't come to stay. That might at least make him think twice. BTW , her visit can't have been too miserable if she wants to stay for longer next time ?

Speaking from experience in situations like this, the biggest problem you've got is your husband. Regardless of how he feels, he needs to understand that they make you feel stressed and uncomfortable and you shouldn't be put in situations like that especially in your own home. I would suggest making it clear that if he wants to have his sister stay again then he needs to be off work and with her. Not you, and to be honest any families living together under the same roof for more than a night will cause friction so he's once again asking you to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation by staying at your mils for a week.

It got pretty bad with myself and my husband at one point and I made it quite clear I wasn't sticking around to be spoken to badly by his parents. He heard her making snide remarks and didn't say anything so again I said I wouldn't be involved in that so the decision is up to you. Either stand up for me as your wife or risk losing me and things changed pretty quickly. Everyone now knows that in no uncertain terms neither he or I will take that shit and they also now know that if they keep pushing me they'll lose him so they've back right down.

The point to my long post is that they know he hasn't got your back so they keep pushing. He needs to be on your team and get off the fence. He married you and commited himself so sadly now he needs to show up especially when you're so uncomfortable in your own home

Husband needs to be a better mediator, MIL is downright the problem here, SIL seems like she is confused. MIL is a huge instigator, she adds fuel to the fire. Your DH seems like a child who is not able to control is mom. Basic situation, your are married to him and she needs to respect you. If anything why doesn't she take the SIL in for a while. Why is all put on you guys? Please, put boundaries in place with MIL and SIL. If you two are only arguing with them around then that's a good sign you have a healthy relationship, MIL and SIL are the problems.