Fed up with in-laws

[elsieandthepooch]

We live a good 4 hours away from DH's family. I go and visit when DH wants to go, but find the visits incredibly stressful. DH tends to regress, MIL parrots in DH's ear about things which causes problems between us and then there are the digs and comments from MIL to me about me which are supposed to be "sarcasm / humour" but I found downright rude.

Earlier this year, SIL asked whether her and her son could come and stay with us for a week for a holiday in the summer break. I initially said to DH that I felt a week was too long and maybe 4 days would be better for everybody. This didn't go down very well with anybody and I was basically overruled by MIL who told DH that SIL has depression and a break would do her good. So they came to stay with us for a week.

SIL is depressed and very sensitive. DH works long hours and most evenings wasn't home until 7pm. Whilst I empathise that she has depression, we have had a lot of stressors ourselves the last few months and I asked DH to relay that they would have to really take us as they find us when they came to stay (I've had a health scare - awaiting test results and we've had a couple of financial stressors). SIL and I have always had a somewhat difficult relationship. She is a year older than me but we are completely different people and personalities. We don't really click and conversation is often stilted and awkward. It got to the point where I felt awkward and uncomfortable around her because whatever I said she would take offence at. The last evening of the visit we ordered take out. After the meal SIL vanished. We sat waiting for her to come downstairs, but she didn't re-appear. We just assumed she had gone to bed. After a couple of hours I decided to go to bed myself. As I got upstairs, SIL came out of the bedroom and asked to talk to me. She referenced that from her perspective it was evident DH and I have a "confident relationship" but she doesn't have that confidence and therefore didn't have the confidence to sit with us. I said I was sorry she felt like that and went to bed. I didn't really know what else I could say.

Before they left, SIL asked if she could come for 10 days next summer and asked me if we had got along okay whilst she had been there. Again, I didn't really know what to say and just said I didn't know what our plans were for next summer and that as far as I was concerned we had got on okay, but really thinking we hadn't with the awkwardness, her taking offence over silly things like star signs etc.

Last week we had the MIL come to stay for a week. When DH was at work, she told me that she was very disappointed that SIL had not got the support she needed from me and DH whilst she was down referencing her depression. This was somewhat of a red rag to a bull and I told her that I didn't realise we were meant to have been offering support. MIL said she is unwell with depression and the lack of support we showed around this wasn't helpful. I told MIL that I didn't really have the headspace to think about supporting when I was waiting on health tests to come back and we had our own difficulties going on.

As the week progressed, MIL made more and more comments to me. In the end I decided the best thing was to keep out of her way. We were then going away for a long weekend so I decided two days before to start the packing. This was wrong as MIL parroted to DH that I was obviously avoiding her. This was the final straw after 2 difficult weeks and caused another argument between DH and myself. We never usually argue - I've realised we only argue when the MIL is around.

DH is now talking about us going to stay with MIL for October half term. I really really don't want to. I've previously suggested a hotel, but that causes more problems and upset.

I just don't know how to navigate this difficult SIL and MIL relationship. It is always so stressful.

Tell your DH he is more then welcome to visit them st half term but you don't have to go as well.
They are his family, you married him not them so as long as your polite you don't have to spend all your time with them or entertaining them.
If he wants them to stay, that's on him, likewise if he wants to visit them great but you can say no.

I agree that DH is part of the problem

you're still not getting it OP.

your DH IS The problem.

his family is for him to deal with - what on earth went on that your MIL can tell you that SIL is coming for a week, and your DH fucked off to work every day until late?

Why is your DH offering YOUR time away like this?

You need to begin there and wisen up, he isn't PART of the problem, it's HIS problem to fix.

I'd just step back, you sound like you've married into a family which is suffocating, all this staying over for long periods - sounds awful and i think your DH doesn't understand most women wouldn't sign up to this and say fuck that, i'm off long ago.

They are his family, you married him not them so as long as your polite you don't have to spend all your time with them or entertaining them.

yes, this. treat them like friends of his. why are you being expected to host while he invites them and fucks off to work, having given away YOUR time?!

Shut him down sharply straightwaway next time he starts on your family.

And why does he need you to go with him in October? It sounds like he wants to regress into childhood with MIL and have you witness it.

To be blunt op you need your spare room filled. Either with dcats, a library or take up archery and shove a target in there... But close your bloody hotel!!
Jeez these cheeky fuckers need kept away. Dh can go visit them.

I work remotely but need to work from my own home, I couldn't work in someone else's home, especially with people like your MIL and SIL there.

I would make it a VERY firm rule that if DH’s relatives are visiting, then he is to take time off work for the entire visit and ensure that he is 100% available to them because you absolutely will not be.

Secondly, I would speak very frankly to your MIL and advise her that you are not a therapist or an assistance dog. You are unable to offer useful “support” to SIL, and suggest that she get professional help instead. Your home is not a sanitorium.

Thirdly, I would explain to all three of them that you will not be pushed or guilt-tripped into doing anything you don’t want to do. You have your own health to consider and you are prioritizing your own needs over theirs for the foreseeable future.

DH needs a kick in the pants as well for not putting your needs first.

🎙️ You’ve got a husband problem🎙️

Listen, it doesn’t really matter the ins & outs of whats been said, you can’t change other peoples personalities. Your husband is who you married, and he needs to be the one unhappy with how you are being treated and put the boundaries down.

My husband went no contact with his mum for upsetting me and then denying she was in the wrong. I didn’t ask him to but I am really really am happy that he did. Your husband needs to grow a pair or you will be married to a mummies boy forever.

Why can’t he visit on his own?

Why is your DH offering YOUR time away like this?

This!

I've read so many threads over the years from women who have been left to entertain, clean and cook for relatives (and friends) of their DH's while he merrily buggers off to work for the week.

I have never read a single thread where a man has cleaned the house, cooked for and entertained his wife's family while she goes to work.

@elsieandthepooch What would your H say if you expected him to WFH and offer emotional support for your depressed sister, while you kept long hours at the office?

The whole MN mantra of “you have a DH problem” is so ridiculous to me. Are you not a grown adult, with a mind and mouth of your own? The DIL/SIL-MIL/SIL relationship is completely different to a mother/brother-son/brother relationship. You need to speak up for yourself, advocate for yourself, sort out your own relationships. If your DH doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. He chose to marry you.

My approach with my equally ridiculous and difficult and nonsensical MIL and SIL is to be kind but firm. It’s my house, my DC, and they’re my responsibility and my duty. I don’t try to impose on them because I give them the respect I think they deserve; I don’t allow them to impose on me because I think I deserve similar respect. My DH has never spoken to them “for me”: why would he? I’m quite capable.

Just set whatever boundaries and rules you think are best. They’re family, they deserve time and kindness and accommodation etc. But on mutually agreeable terms. Nobody gets to dictate anything to anyone (except babies and toddlers!!).

Stop the passing on comments too. Make sure SIL knows that the reason she won’t be coming next summer (for 10 days or 1 day or whatever) is that your MIL passed on that you’re not able to support her well enough so it obviously won’t be good for her health to be with for a longer stay next time. Stop MIL pulling the strings.

Younhave had good advice from others on your DH and his lameness

Some other advice...

Let him go to visit on his own.
If he wants them to come down he shops he makes beds he entertains
He also takes time off to entertain.
Go to ",work" shut yourself up and be unavailable. Dont make tea dont listen to their chat.
go out with friends in the evening /do your own thing. never complain and never explain. Just do what you want.

My in laws are 4 hours away. Friday late afternoon - midday sunday is how long they visit for. This is after i laid it out for DH as crap as it is i made sure he was more scared of me being upset than them. Including crying at him a lot. Its bullshit it came to that but i had to sort it out before we had kids.
Life is much better now the "hierarchy is corrected"

Yes lots of good advice already but MIL does not get to decide who stays in your house or for how long. It is your house.

And if any of them are ever allowed back over the doorstep, DH does all the prep in advance and steps up to home and back from extra work to do it all while they are there (in fact - he should be taking leave to look after them as you are working so can't).

Bloody hell, since when has hosting someone for an entire week not been supportive? An entire week is too long in most cases to host guests...any guests, even those you get on well with. Your husband is a complete dick to subject you to that and their constant criticisms

Your DH is most welcome to visit with his mother and family during half term but you're not going with him. Stand your ground.
Neither you nor your DH are medically trained in dealing with depression and your SiL clearly needed more than just a fleeting visit with her brother. I say fleeting because he was the one who wasn't there for her. He should have taken time off work to spend time with his sister. Instead it was up to you to be there for her and you don't have that relationship with her (and probably never will).

Have a conversation with your DH about how your suggestion of 4 days visit was overridden by his mother, how, when you look into the root cause of the arguments between yourselves, it's his mother that is the instigator of those arguments. When is your DH going to put his NEW family (i.e. you and your child(ren)) first??? He's still so enmeshed in his old family that when they say Jump he immediately replies How high?

Is he in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that if he actually stood up to them that all hell would break loose? That his mother would break down and cry to him? Is he fearful of that? Does he feel obligated to see them and to be host when they want to visit? Would it be so terrible if they actually stayed in a different location (local hotel/BnB) than with you if they came to visit? Would he feel guilty if they were to stay elsewhere during a visit?
I think you need to have a conversation and the sooner the better. At least then you'll know exactly where you stand in the pecking order in your DH's eyes. What you do with that information once you learn it, is entirely up to you.

Have a proper chat with DH about your boundaries going forward, your personal boundaries and boundaries for the two of you as a couple. That it is unacceptable that he lets them cause arguments between you. Include length of any visit in future and that he will need to be around in the day if he wants to host. It sounds like they will never be happy so I'd stop caring what they think and if a visit to them doesn't work for you, don't go. Practice the following phrases and have them on repeat 'no, that won't work for us", 'sorry you feel that way MIL, as DH is your son I'd suggest you bring it up with him'.

These in law threads are another world. When I first met DP he would regress when visiting his mum so I said I would only go with him if I wasn't responsible for making conversation with her while he watched the snooker. He agreed and we've never had a problem since.

They're not your family, they're his. Let him do it all, unless he's actively engaging with your family and taking responsibility for their wellbeing.

Your husband family come to visit when he is available to deal with them.

You don't need to spend every holiday with them and can mix your family husband family and your immediate family in equal parts throughout the year.

If he doesn't have your back when MIL moans don't go.

Random shout out to my step father who did actually care for my gran while my mum legged it to work or other hastily arranged commitments. They don't make them like that any more.

Just one other thing - if you do decide to visit the inlaws on their turf, be sure that you have an exit plan (even if you don't tell your DH until you need to use it) but make sure that if things get too much or they are rude to you, you pack up your stuff and you leave. With your DC as you're not going to have them pouring poison in their ears about how awful their mummy is, and just leave and go home.

Are you afraid of your husband?

Why are you tolerating this?

Do not visit his family again.

Do not host his family again.

Arrange to visit your family if he wants his family to visit.

Refuse to go at Christmas.

If you are not afraid of him, why are you tolerating this?

Is he a nasty bully?

Stand up for yourself and stop being involved with his family.

Refuse his sisters visits if he isn't around.

Stop allowing him to criticise your family if he refuses to listen to you.

He sounds awful.

No way! You were at work all the time while your mum was being nasty to me. You were at work all the time while your sister was here apparently needing support and me having to triple think every thing I said and did as she took every single thing the wrong way. You don’t back me up. Marriage isn’t indentured servitude and Hell will freeze over before I go on that visit. You hardly even back me up when you are there, so I might never go to your parents again to be honest. Why would I put myself through that? Just because you want me to? I want you to be present and supportive in interactions with your family while they have a go at me, and I don’t get that so I guess we both don’t get what we want.

You should add that now you think about it, if you aren’t going to stand up for me while your mum is having a go at me, I really never will go there again.

Get him - and them - telt!

No, you will not be hosting poor depressed SIL. She was not happy last time, so you see no point in repeating the situation.

No, MIL cannot come for long visits. And you will not be doing anything to facilitate this. DH can damn well step up and spend time with his mother.

No, you won’t be visiting them. Or if you do go, you’ll be staying in a hotel to have your own space. Non-negotiable.

Let their whining fall on deaf ears! You are not a child to be told what to do by MIL. Show you have a strong spine and it might inspire your DH to do likewise.

Is he off his rocker???

"mil, unfortunately the dates sil came dh was only home at 7pm and needs to relax after work. I'm also struggling with things right now. I know you are worried about sil. We did our best but unfortunately we are not medically trained pyscolosgist or psychotherapist and cannot be give sil the help you feel we should be.

As our best was nt good enough I don't think it's a good idea at all she come again and mil, this role you are casting me in is not at all what I'm interested.

To dh - I've been cast, without my permission into a caring role to help your sister. I'm not willing to play this part.

I've had your mum moaning at me constantly about how baldy over played this part for your sister.
I'm not doing it.
End of.