Am I excessively empathetic?

[candyflossandme]

I’m really poorly, and my boyfriend attempted to make me my favourite takeaway side (Bombay potatoes). It took him an hour and a half bless him.
He noticed I didn’t eat many and I had to admit they weren’t very nice, a bit strong in a certain spice.
His face dropped and I felt awful. I then cried even looking at the potatoes because there’s so many there and I feel so bad.

I put it down to being poorly; but I remember other instances in the past too.
I cried when I got a D in GCSE history in year 10, purely because my Dad loves history and I felt sad. I remember looking at the picture of a war plane on the textbook and it made me cry. I wasn’t worried that I disappointed him, just really sad for him because I knew he loved it (turns out I re-sat and got an A* haha!)
I also cried on the first day of year 7 because my parents said it’d be great for me to try cross country. I forgot my PE kit so couldn’t go. I watched them all run off and cried because I felt sad for my parents (even though they told me not to be silly and it wasn’t a big deal).

Is there such thing as being too much of an empath? Why do such silly things make me cry?

Fantastic post by Sensible Trousers.

Without meaning to sound up myself, I am exceptionally good at reading people. It's something I've used to great advantage professionally and these days I am able to use it as an asset.

However, It was borne from being in an abusive relationship and doing a job where not being aware of what was going on around you could result in you coming to serious harm. It has taken time to get here. For a long time I had trust issues.

These days people think I'm a warm person who can see the best in everyone and I'm known for being very calm at all times. It's not that at all. I'm just better than most at understanding the motivation behind other people's behaviour and regulating my own because I'm used to it being necessary to keep myself safe or to protect others. Doesn't mean I agree with it. I still have episodes of hyper vigilance but they are just background noise now rather than anxiety inducing and tend to make me appear observant rather than troubled.

The OP sounds more like an issue with boundaries over emotional responsibility to me.

One thing you won't find in superabundance on MN is empathy, OP

Some really weird responses here.

OP, you're fine. And I hope you feel better soon

If you were excessively empathetic you wouldn’t have told him they weren’t nice after he’d been cooking for an hour and a half! I think you were unkind and felt guilty? That’s normal.

Candyflossandme do you feel very responsible for how others feel? If you're hosting a get together for example, do you feel really anxious about everyone having a good time? At work, do you worry about letting people down if you don't do thing's properly?

My immediate take on your post is that at some point in your childhood something happened where you were told off/criticised for something that had a negative outcome. It was probably beyond your control to some extent, but because there was a nugget of truth in there, you internalised it. This may not have been family. It could have been a teacher or someone. It may not have even been anything all that significant, but if you were quite a sensitive and responsible child by nature anyway, this sort of thing can run deep.

It's fine to be as you are, just as long as you recognise the line between being a nice person and taking more responsibility than you should for other people's feelings. You need to protect yourself.

Wow. A man attempted to cook something and it was inedible but he cooked so therefore we should bow down and praise him to the high heavens…? 🙄 Nope.

And the op is an emotional people-pleaser so this is really bad advice on both counts.

Calm down...

Why not just put the pots in a tuppa and have them another night

And the op is an emotional people-pleaser so this is really bad advice on both counts.

Harsh

Read my mind.

None of your examples sound like empathy at all OP. You’re just quite emotional and can create a drama over absolutely nothing. This seems like the opposite of real empathy to me.

More like people pleasing because as you described it, you’re not getting the emotions right. You’re feeling something they’re not. It’s more emotionally dysregulated. Perhaps you’re just I’ll op. If it’s a pattern, then look up people pleasing and go from there.

I don’t think you sound empathetic. In the situations you describe, you’re the only one crying? That indicates you might be the only one with a strong reaction, and that you might be making assumptions on the weight of the situation to the other party. Eg I doubt your parents cried in those situations. So you’re not mirroring their reaction.

To me, someone that’s empathetic might feel emotional when someone else is emotional. Eg I remember when someone told me their dad died, as what they said moved me to the extent I started tearing up. That was me subconsciously mirroring their reaction I suppose.

You can have hyper-empathy syndrome or some people have the opposite, empathy deficit disorder.
Some people are just over emotional.

You sound like a people pleaser, plus you are ill. Our menstrual cycles and the Moon also have an effect on our moods. Other than the Bombay potatoes anecdote, your examples relate to way back when you were a child.

I would say that I have empathy. I have become very good at sensing other people’s emotions, tend to easily sense bullshit a mile off, possible SEN in others, etc due to my childhood experiences, having had children/family life and the nature of my job, but I wouldn’t say I’m an empath.
I’ve learnt how to avoid Vicarious Trauma (not allowing the trauma of others to have a negative effect on me) organically with age/life experience, and also with the help of work related training.

Empaths are not narcissistic.

What is an 'empath' really? Empathy is about being able to understand something from another person's point of view. Too many people seem to think it's some sort of 'spidey sense super power'/' being a really caring soul... which is why people who describe themselves as being 'overly empathetic' or 'empaths' come accross as narcissistic... because they are turning the situation back onto their own feelings/thoughts.

No, I wouldn't say you were excessively empathetic - everything you've described seems within the realm of normal reactions/emotions to me.

I definitely wouldn't say you're an 'empath' because it's not an expression I'd use. It grates on me because most of the people IRL I've heard using this term tend to be "look at me and my superpower" egoists, who think they're special because of their perception that they feel things more acutely than others. How can anyone truly know how deeply others feel? Why the need to define yourself by such terms?

I hope you feel better soon and get some decent bombay spuds.

I've pals who say they're empaths and often they use that to excuse not changing things, such as leaving toxic relationships etc, almost a bit martyrdomish. Eg, "I can't leave this absolute abusive wanker because without me they'll kill themselves", doesn't sit comfortably with me.

I think when people say they're empaths they're either absolutely fucking not or the ones who are are fucked by trauma.

That's just personal opinion and experience though.

You sound a nice, emotional person. That's enough x

Why does everything have to be a thing these days?
FFS

It sounds quite people pleasing.

IME those who self describe as empathic usually don’t have enough boundaries and worry too much about what others think.

I don’t mean that to sound harsh though.

I don’t think it sounds like empathy, although you might well be mixed in with some sensitivity. It does sound like guilt. I’ve had many moments similar. One time my mum cooked me chips and I was home late and they were burnt. I cried so much I wrote it in my diary. I felt bad for her cooking these chips and I wasn’t even home on time.

When I was 13 we had a minute silence for the world trade centre attacks at school. I cried my eyes out. I remember being the only one who cried. I think it was then that I realised I must be more emotional than others. Some of my school mates laughed during the silence. I didn’t understand that. I had spent days after school reading the newspapers about it and feeling sad.

Overall I am sensitive by nature but I’ve had to work on people pleasing behaviours as an adult. I’ve always worked in the caring professions. One strange paradox is…. As an adult, I cry a lot but never ever infront of others. My persona is very strong. People note at work how I get shit done and deal very well within a crisis etc. I don’t think I’m not resilient, I know I am. Anyway rambling now.

I think if you’d given examples of being overly empathetic as an adult, the responses would be different. But really all you said is you’re poorly and cried over some potatoes.

so no I don’t think you are, as I think if you were overly empathetic, or even a tiny bit you’d understand you would need to give actual examples so the people you were asking could answer.

id suspect the truth is maybe a little self absorbed/attention seeking.

You felt awful because you told him you didn't like his food after you knew how long it took him. Not sure that's empathetic lol that's just you being brutally honest

It sounds to me more like you are a people pleaser who doesn’t like letting others down or disappointing people.

I don't think you are overly emotional / bad at regulating your emotions or too empathetic. I wouldn't have put a question like that to this shower of c**ts

@BigButtons

I agree. Empaths are often the result of a narcissistic parent which my dad was. I learned how to assess his mood from very early on, literally treading on eggshells. Is he in a good mood? Is he going to lash out? What tone of voice is he using today? And are his footsteps heavy? Imagine living this way for years as a child. It makes sense that you’ve sharpened up your intuition and can read the room. It’s not fun.

As a result of learning all this and reflecting on my life, my boundaries are super tight now but I can’t tolerate being in environments whereby the “mood” is off. There’s a running joke amongst my circle of friends that I’m psychic. I mean it is uncanny I get shit right all the time, but it’s not a special power, it’s not a form of narcissism, it is the result of trauma.

I sometimes do say my fathers parting gift was this excellent ability to read people though. Often I’ll know someone is an arsehole immediately. I always, ALWAYS give them the benefit of the doubt knowing that I don’t actually possess a “special power” but nine times out of ten I’ll be right and people will say “ahh remember when you told us to be careful….or x, y, z”.

There are people who claim to be empaths because, you know, they’re “really nice people” a bit like Letby maybe, but that’s narcissism. So it can be easy to confuse the two.