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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I excessively empathetic?

122 replies

candyflossandme · 23/08/2023 22:09

I’m really poorly, and my boyfriend attempted to make me my favourite takeaway side (Bombay potatoes). It took him an hour and a half bless him.
He noticed I didn’t eat many and I had to admit they weren’t very nice, a bit strong in a certain spice.
His face dropped and I felt awful. I then cried even looking at the potatoes because there’s so many there and I feel so bad.

I put it down to being poorly; but I remember other instances in the past too.
I cried when I got a D in GCSE history in year 10, purely because my Dad loves history and I felt sad. I remember looking at the picture of a war plane on the textbook and it made me cry. I wasn’t worried that I disappointed him, just really sad for him because I knew he loved it (turns out I re-sat and got an A* haha!)
I also cried on the first day of year 7 because my parents said it’d be great for me to try cross country. I forgot my PE kit so couldn’t go. I watched them all run off and cried because I felt sad for my parents (even though they told me not to be silly and it wasn’t a big deal).

Is there such thing as being too much of an empath? Why do such silly things make me cry?

OP posts:
CClaire · 23/08/2023 22:33

This resonates with me OP. I do think I’m probably overly empathetic (versus general populace) but I also have unresolved grief and I think I let it out in small bursts. The news, other people’s sadness, etc. It can be quite embarrassing really. And it doesn’t help that I’m often a knob so I have massive guilt about inane rubbish too. eg laughed at my BF’s shit shoes and then cried that I’d been so mean 🤣

CClaire · 23/08/2023 22:35

Children just being normally cute also makes me cry. Or if I see one trip up, I tend to shout ‘Oh!’ - exactly the opposite of how their parents want bystanders to react 🙈

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/08/2023 22:39

candyflossandme · 23/08/2023 22:16

I didn’t tell them they were shit for god sake when did I say that

You told him that you didn't eat them because he'd overdone one of the spices. It would have been easy for you to tell him that your being poorly had affected your appetite. He'd have been sad, but he wouldn't be left feeling that he'd caused it.

michalwave · 23/08/2023 22:42

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/08/2023 22:39

You told him that you didn't eat them because he'd overdone one of the spices. It would have been easy for you to tell him that your being poorly had affected your appetite. He'd have been sad, but he wouldn't be left feeling that he'd caused it.

Show quote history

But then he would just make them the same way again? Better for OP to be honest.

TheProcrastinati · 23/08/2023 22:48

I agree. OP seems to turning events where she is possibly at fault and turning it into her being “over empathetic”. And now she wants us to tell her she’s a sensitive soul.

Palomabalom · 23/08/2023 22:49

OP I understand exactly what you mean. I think it’s your feeling guilty and sad about something- your brain creates a narrative of pathos around it with others often being the main focus. You start to buy in to the thought or image of “ your elderly neighbour “looking sad because you said no to a cup of tea, you can’t get the image of their face falling in disappointment out of your mind. You torment yourself but it’s highly likely your brain is projecting your feelings in to a show reel which is not quite how things are in reality. So the image you have of your parent for example shuffling off down the path, after you’ve had to cancel plans is likely highly amplified and you are bringing to life your own feelings via these sad show reels. You sound really thoughtful and sensitive but it could be driven by allowing the anxious thoughts to become a dominant force.

michalwave · 23/08/2023 22:49

TheProcrastinati · 23/08/2023 22:48

I agree. OP seems to turning events where she is possibly at fault and turning it into her being “over empathetic”. And now she wants us to tell her she’s a sensitive soul.

How is she at fault for not liking some manky potatoes and getting a D in history?

Purditnin · 23/08/2023 22:53

michalwave · 23/08/2023 22:49

How is she at fault for not liking some manky potatoes and getting a D in history?

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Who else would be at fault for her getting a D in history?

Original poster
candyflossandme · 23/08/2023 22:54

How and why has this turned into a judgement on the fact I got a D in history. I really don’t like this website sometimes. I’ll be deleting this thread

OP posts:
michalwave · 23/08/2023 22:55

Purditnin · 23/08/2023 22:53

Who else would be at fault for her getting a D in history?

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Why does it need to be anyone’s fault? It’s just one of those things.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 23/08/2023 22:57

michalwave · 23/08/2023 22:49

How is she at fault for not liking some manky potatoes and getting a D in history?

Show quote history

Maybe not at fault for not eating the potatoes but she was responsible for the D grade and forgetting her PE kit. And being upset that other people (her parents) would be sad when they didn't actually care seems quite indulgent - understandable in a child, less so an adult. I'd put it down to feeling poorly and the disappointment of a favourite dish not being very tasty

Iwantmyoldnameback · 23/08/2023 22:58

I don't think you are empathetic I think you are ill and that's making you emotional.

WombatCowgirl · 23/08/2023 23:00

This escalated quickly, from sensitive flower to snippy comments to flounce within 2 pages😂

Someoneonlyyouknow · 23/08/2023 23:00

OP do you get great enjoyment from other people's pleasure too? Particularly when you are responsible for their happiness (like your resat History grade)

KajsaKavat · 23/08/2023 23:01

Sounds like you’re worried about upsetting other people excessively yes, that’s learned behaviour though and not the same as empathy. Maybe your parents were like this too?
my mum was overly scared to disappoint people and I’m always checking myself about this too.

pinkdelight · 23/08/2023 23:03

candyflossandme · 23/08/2023 22:54

How and why has this turned into a judgement on the fact I got a D in history. I really don’t like this website sometimes. I’ll be deleting this thread

Can't you empathise with how people feel reading your post?

In all seriousness though, it is a bit harsh. If people genuinely think OP is overly emotional and sensitive, it probably makes sense to be kind to her about it.

2Rebecca · 23/08/2023 23:04

Bombay potatoes is not invalid food. A mad thing for him to make if you were ill. I don't think you were over empathetic as you were the one crying and getting upset not him. Sometimes people spend time on a meal and the recipe is poor, that's life. If you were very empathetic you'd have said nothing and eaten them all and felt iller

michalwave · 23/08/2023 23:04

Someoneonlyyouknow · 23/08/2023 22:57

Maybe not at fault for not eating the potatoes but she was responsible for the D grade and forgetting her PE kit. And being upset that other people (her parents) would be sad when they didn't actually care seems quite indulgent - understandable in a child, less so an adult. I'd put it down to feeling poorly and the disappointment of a favourite dish not being very tasty

Show quote history

We’ve all forgotten our PE kit, it’s hardly a crime.

Testina · 23/08/2023 23:05

Was thinking about this some more, after posting that it seems more like a case of people pleasing.

All your examples are about where you have not done something you “should” have for other people: liked their potato efforts, tried the sport they wanted you to, done well in a subject they liked…

If it was simply empathy, surely you examples would include things like, “I cried when my sister got a D, because I felt bad for my history buff dad.”

I think it stems from an obligation to meet other people’s expectations and provide happiness for them. Not empathy. Sometimes seen in children of a depressed parent, incidentally - an over developed sense that it’s their job to provide comfort, or do things right.

Skiggles2018 · 23/08/2023 23:06

YABU - I think you’re sensitive but not an empath.

I think I am an empath and read people’s emotions very well.
when I read the part about you getting a D and then the comment about the A* I felt that this could make people feel bad if they had lower grades.
Yhay is more of an empath response rather than a stealth brag about yourself

thaegumathteth · 23/08/2023 23:10

Ime people who say they are empaths are almost exclusively emotional vultures who want the attention to be on them.

M4J4 · 23/08/2023 23:13

Skiggles2018 · 23/08/2023 23:06

YABU - I think you’re sensitive but not an empath.

I think I am an empath and read people’s emotions very well.
when I read the part about you getting a D and then the comment about the A* I felt that this could make people feel bad if they had lower grades.
Yhay is more of an empath response rather than a stealth brag about yourself

I think worrying that strangers feel bad about another stranger getting an A* in History is a bit drippy.

MissMillyFluff · 23/08/2023 23:14

The fact that you feel really poorly at the moment is making you vulnerable. I don't think you're especially empathetic, just feel pretty sad and reflective because of your vulnerability. Hugs to you 🤗

M4J4 · 23/08/2023 23:15

MissMillyFluff · 23/08/2023 23:14

The fact that you feel really poorly at the moment is making you vulnerable. I don't think you're especially empathetic, just feel pretty sad and reflective because of your vulnerability. Hugs to you 🤗

Now that is an empathic response. How lovely.

Skiggles2018 · 23/08/2023 23:18

M4J4 · 23/08/2023 23:13

I think worrying that strangers feel bad about another stranger getting an A* in History is a bit drippy.

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Maybe but not just because she got an A but because it was such a big deal to her that she got a D but then haha she actually got an A.
I don’t know - it just seemed like needing acclamation.
But I guess from the posts she does need that recognition which there isn't anything wrong with.

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