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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend to stop making me look enormous

100 replies

caffelattetogo · 23/08/2023 13:02

This is petty I realise, but it's getting me down.
Friend and I both had babies at a similar time and started losing weight together. She gave up and I carried on. I'm almost at my goal, having lost a few stone, and she is still where she started, maybe a bit heavier.
When we go on days out she'll suggest a selfie or ask a passer-by to get a photo of us and our kids, as a memento of the day. Every single time she will stand behind me, often quite a way behind, so I look bigger than her. My head is literally twice the size, and my body hides most of hers. I've tried jokingly getting her to stand level with me, but she always shuffles back as the photo is taken, apparently so we look 'the same size'.
AIBU to refuse to have any more photos with her, as I think this is a mean trick?

OP posts:
SindyisbetterthanBarbie · 23/08/2023 14:21

This probably isn't about you. It's about her own insecurities. She's hiding herself. The fact it makes you look big isn't really her fault. She wants a photo of you both but doesn't want to be embarrassed by her size. Maybe be a nicer friend and stop assuming it's all about you.

FarmGirl78 · 23/08/2023 14:25

caffelattetogo · 23/08/2023 13:09

Yes, I think you're right. I just wish she wouldn't post them all over her social feeds for our mutual friends to see. I look huge in them.

I'm assuming your mutual friend's know you both in real life? They won't look at Facebook photos and think "Oh theres a picture of caffelatte and Friend. By eck, Friend has lost 2stone since I last saw her on Tuesday!". They know you, they know what size you both are and they won't "see" you as being overweight when they see you, they'll just see caffelatte!

livingroom · 23/08/2023 14:33

I think you've realised she isn't doing it as a mean trick to you. She is doing it thinking how she will make herself look slimmer. I have a few aunts who always do that! Also you are prob being overly critical of the photo (if you are anything like me)

GraysPapaya · 23/08/2023 14:37

How far back does she go?! Surely this just looks really strange? I’d say what are you doing back there? Come stand with me!

MsRosley · 23/08/2023 14:47

Stop taking photos of yourselves and putting them on public display. Problem over.

Mmhmmn · 23/08/2023 14:53

caffelattetogo · 23/08/2023 13:16

Yes, I realise I'll look like a dick if I raise it. She's not trying to make me look fat, instead trying to make herself look slimmer by comparison, but by pushing me into the foreground I look like a giant!

That must produce a lot of very strange photos! Has it occurred to her to ask for just head and neck shots if she hates her body that much?

Candlesandflowers · 23/08/2023 14:54

My sister does this - it’s soo annoying !! No advice but if I see photos like that I always know what the person standing behind is doing, it just shows their insecurities

inamarina · 23/08/2023 14:55

off · 23/08/2023 13:05

I'd bet money that she's not doing it as a mean trick to get at you, she's doing it because she's uncomfortable, embarrassed and insecure about her own weight. I don't understand why you'd automatically frame it in a way that assumes bad faith and bad intent from your friend. Unless this is some sort of reverse?

Agree. I‘d also think she’s just feeling self-conscious. You’ve lost weight, she hasn’t.
It wouldn’t occur to me to think she was doing it as a ‚mean trick‘.

SeulementUneFois · 23/08/2023 15:01

You should comment on those photos she puts on SM - "Oh dear, I look enormous".
That will draw other people's attention who'll look and immediately see that you're standing so much closer and she so much further from the camera.
Hoist her by her own petard!

RubiRage · 23/08/2023 15:03

Dart behind her when she least expects it & take a photo for your socials. See what her reaction is to that, I think she knows what she’s doing.

ilovemydogmore · 23/08/2023 15:10

SeulementUneFois · 23/08/2023 15:01

You should comment on those photos she puts on SM - "Oh dear, I look enormous".
That will draw other people's attention who'll look and immediately see that you're standing so much closer and she so much further from the camera.
Hoist her by her own petard!

No it wont, it'll make you look insecure and desperate for reassurance.

If you want to go down this route just call it out, "why are you standing 2 ft behind me your head looks tiny"

WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 23/08/2023 15:13

I have friends who do this, I just say no you aren't posting that I look huge!

Babsexxx · 23/08/2023 15:16

Well wtf does she think is going to happen when people see you both in public?! Little bit silly on her part don’t ya think! 😳

CwmYoy · 23/08/2023 15:19

Just refuse unless you are side by side.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 23/08/2023 15:28

I would just tell her you don't want her to put pix of you on social media. End of. You don't have to give a reason.

Mumuser124 · 23/08/2023 15:35

I doubt she’s doing it to be mean to you, she’s doing it to hide herself. She’s clearly uncomfortable with her size and probably feels she looks much bigger against you so hides.

ToWhitToWhoo · 23/08/2023 15:40

I don't think you should accuse her of 'making you look enormous', as I very much doubt that she is seeking to do so. However, I think you have the right to ask her not to post pictures of you on social media without your explicit permission. I generally ask people not to post pictures of me on social media: in my case, it's mainly because I'm very bad at visual recognition of people, so other people will recognize me from photos better than I will recognize them, and, as you never quite know who might see your pic on social media, I'm slightly paranoid about that. And people usually co-operate with my request.

roarrfeckingroar · 23/08/2023 15:43

Stop thinking so much about social media and selfies?

RampantIvy · 23/08/2023 15:45

Anyone reminded of the Father Ted episode where Father Ted gives Father Dougal a lesson in perspective?

"These [he points to some plastic cows on the table] are small, but those [pointing at some cows out of the window] are far away... Small, far away."

Cows: Small Or Far Away? | Father Ted

Watch Father Ted on All 4: http://www.channel4.com/programmes/father-ted

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMiKyfd6hA0

DrSbaitso · 23/08/2023 15:50

I would believe she's only trying to hide her size, not exaggerate yours...if she weren't the one choosing to take all these pictures and share them!

It's one of those things that sounds nuts, and it is, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Just say you don't want to be photographed, or you don't want them shared. Or take your own. If she argues about the posing, she can hardly complain if you do.

In the meantime, take heart. We all know what our friends look like and we all know when a photo of them is misleading, whether for better or worse.

Dutch1e · 23/08/2023 15:54

I got the giggles imagining the confusion of the poor stranger holding the phone while the two of you shuffle off over the horizon 🤣

Ohyesreally · 23/08/2023 15:58

I'm sure everyone who knows you, knows what size you are, the same for people that know her. As for everyone else, wgaf what a bunch of strangers think.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/08/2023 16:04

If this sort of thing bothers you, post a picture soon after she does of you looking thin. Put a filter on it too and there you have it, you’ll look better than her if that’s what you’re after.

OldTinHat · 23/08/2023 16:12

This is about her, not you.

She's insecure, hence hiding behind you.

Blueblell · 23/08/2023 16:12

She is probably not doing it out of malice. I hate having my photo taken too - I would either say you don’t want a picture at all as you are feeling a bit self conscious at the moment or just do head shots