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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take a child not related to me on holiday?

53 replies

TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 13:13

I have an only child who I’m a single parent to.

I often invite their cousins from my side away with us. We’ve been abroad a couple of times with family members. I always extend the invite to their parent(s).

I have a cousin who was until recently also a single parent. They have 3 children and their new spouse also has 3.

I’ve always alternated taking the cousins DC away with us, I have taken all 3 with us but it’s usually 1 at a time. I also take my DNs 1 at a time (3 DNs, 1 is also an only).

Cousin has now said that if I don’t include their new stepchildren in holidays then my actual relatives (cousins DC) will no longer be able to go. I said fine, I won’t be taking the none related to me DC away so I’d just offer to take my DNs instead.

The wedding was the first time I’d met the step DC, they seemed nice DC but they’re not related to me. Cousins Spouse sees them 50% of the time, but doesn’t live with cousin because they can’t get a house big enough for 6 DC so whenever I go to cousins they’re not there. I've met the spouse a few times but never there DC in over 5 years they've been together.

Apparently this is disgusting and I should be including these DC as they’re now also my cousins DC. I am depriving my cousins DC of a holiday as well – some years they don’t go away at all especially with my cousin, although I don’t see it as my job to take them away. I pay for everything, they come as an extra child, company for my DC.

They have their own parents who they spend 50% of the time with. Their other parent was at the wedding, and the parent who married my cousin had siblings and DNs, and other cousins at the wedding so I don’t feel it’s my duty to take them away. My SIL (sibling-in-law) sometimes takes my DC away with them but if I remarried and had step DC I wouldn’t expect them to be included.

AIBU or do I need to include these new DC?

OP posts:
Grumpy101 · 22/08/2023 13:26

Your cousin is bonkers and an entitled little bitch. You have no duty to take someone else's child on holiday FFS.

minipie · 22/08/2023 13:35

In this situation it’s not really because you are not related to the new step DC. It’s because you and your child barely know them, whereas you’ve known the related DC for years.

YANBU and if your cousin can’t understand that then her DC will miss out 🤷‍♀️

10HailMarys · 22/08/2023 13:39

If the only issue was them not being blood relatives then I’d say YABU but that’s not actually the problem, is it - your issue is that you barely even know the stepchildren at all. So YANBU, because it would be just plain odd to take kids on holiday having met them only a handful of times at most. They’ve never even been alone with you, from what I can gather!

Also, if I was the kids’ mother, I would be furious at their dad and stepmum for trying to send them away with a distant relative they didn’t really know.

Avastmehearties · 22/08/2023 13:42

Bollocks. Like you say, they're primarily invited as company for your child. Why would you invite a child they barely know at your expense?

sheworemellowyellow · 22/08/2023 13:43

Yet another situation where someone (your cousin) is wanting other people to carry the consequences of their decision (taking on a step-child). Lovely if you want to. You are under no obligation to. She wants you to do this because it will make her home life better. That’s not your responsibility. You are free to decide whether you want to do that or not.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 22/08/2023 13:45

Your cousin is a pisstaker. Especially as you pay for everything

Pumpkindoodles · 22/08/2023 13:46

If you weren’t including them on the Christmas card list or something, I could see the point, it’s nice to include step children even when they’re not related to you.
but asking you to take a child you don’t know, that’s unrelated to you, on holiday is weird. If I was the child’s mum I wouldn’t be keen on that at all either

Batatahara · 22/08/2023 13:51

Who would even send their children on holiday with someone their children hardly knew?

I suspect these children's other parent wouldn't give permission anyway

Original poster
TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 14:00

Pumpkindoodles · 22/08/2023 13:46

If you weren’t including them on the Christmas card list or something, I could see the point, it’s nice to include step children even when they’re not related to you.
but asking you to take a child you don’t know, that’s unrelated to you, on holiday is weird. If I was the child’s mum I wouldn’t be keen on that at all either

@Pumpkindoodles I always write their names in Christmas Cards, and if I'm taking sweets round with my DC i buy extras for the step DC, but I've met them once at the wedding and that's it so I don't feel I can take them away.

OP posts:
nillionaire · 22/08/2023 14:04

They are just using your generosity op, you can be generous and kind but don’t be a doormat.

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 14:04

I'm going to give you a big tip. Just go on holiday with your DC alone. Me and my DS always holiday alone when he was younger I did Splashworld holidays and now we do Holiday village holidays or any where with a waterpark as I know there will be kids for DS to play with.

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 14:08

10HailMarys · 22/08/2023 13:39

If the only issue was them not being blood relatives then I’d say YABU but that’s not actually the problem, is it - your issue is that you barely even know the stepchildren at all. So YANBU, because it would be just plain odd to take kids on holiday having met them only a handful of times at most. They’ve never even been alone with you, from what I can gather!

Also, if I was the kids’ mother, I would be furious at their dad and stepmum for trying to send them away with a distant relative they didn’t really know.

Even if that was OPs reasons were that the step kids were not blood related that's a perfectly valid reason in my book. How far should OPS good will stretch? She's paying for EVERYTHING. How can you not see one is taking the absolute Piss

Wishitsnows · 22/08/2023 14:10

If nothing else it’s a bit much to be expected to look after 7 children!

RunningUpThatBuilding · 22/08/2023 14:12

Stand your ground OP.

I think you’ll find once she realises you are she’ll backtrack. However the damage is done.

Do not invite her children on holiday with you anymore.

Original poster
TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 14:14

Wishitsnows · 22/08/2023 14:10

If nothing else it’s a bit much to be expected to look after 7 children!

@Wishitsnows I don't take them at the same time. I have taken my cousins DC all at the same time once but even with my parent to help me 4 DC was too much so I switched to just taking 1 other DC at a time.

OP posts:
Pista41 · 22/08/2023 14:23

That’s absolutely bizarre, your cousin is taking the piss. It would be the strangest set up, especially as if you do one at a time it would just be your kid and one of the step kids I guess? I really doubt that they’d even be up for this, and if I was the children’s mother I’d be completely incensed that their new step mum was taking it upon herself to send them away with a random relative of hers!

knobheed99 · 22/08/2023 14:27

When you say you invite them, I presume that means you also pay for them.
I mean cousin is being a cheeky fucker anyway, asking you to take 3 extra kids away with you, but if you're supposed to pay for them, it's just ludicrous.

How is it supposed to work anyway? You only take the kids away one at a time, so now there are 6 kids you are supposed to be taking away, so you'd either have to do loads of holidays or each kid would get a holiday once every 6 years.
Absolutely no way!

Use this as an opportunity to stop the arrangement. Circumstances have changed. Both sets of kids have other parents too so could go away with those parents or with cousin and new husband.
Not your problem.

FortofPud · 22/08/2023 14:28

I can't beleive that the child would even want to go. Here's a random (to you) family for you to go on holiday with - no your siblings are staying here, it's just you. Bye! What a strange (and also rude) thing to want!

youveturnedupwelldone · 22/08/2023 14:36

I get your cousin's wider point - the step kids should be included generally - but she's taking it too far.

Her not being able to take her kids away was never your problem. You have done a really nice thing taking them with you to now but clearly it isn't actually being appreciated is it, and it was never an obligation in the first place. Probably your cousin now realises she's shot herself in the foot with her silly ultimatum - never expected you would take the ok I won't take any of them option!

In future if you want to take another child for company I suggest you explore whether any of her friends might like to come rather than the cousins (although you've not said how old your child is so not sure if it's the right age for this yet!)

Original poster
TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 14:40

So cousin is actually male, and spouse is female i.e. the StepDCs mum.

My DC is 9.

Youngest cousins DC is 7, oldest is 12. The stepDC are 15, 15 and 11.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 22/08/2023 14:41

Your cousin is bonkers. And the step DCs mum is unlikely to be up for this (I wouldn't be). Plus the kid themselves is unlikely to want to go either!

nevynevster · 22/08/2023 14:42

There is zero way a 15 year old will want to go on holiday with a 9 year old step cousin they've barely met! This is a total non issue and your sister is making a fuss about absolutely nothing

nevynevster · 22/08/2023 14:43

Sorry cousin not sister 😱

Ffsmakeitstop · 22/08/2023 14:46

They don't even live together but he expects you to take them away. I'm staggered. On a side note what 15 year old wants to holiday with a 9 year old especially one they've met once?
He's a grade A cheeky bastard who'se now spoilt things for his own kids.

Ketzele · 22/08/2023 14:50

This is the most bonkers thing I've ever heard.

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