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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take a child not related to me on holiday?

53 replies

TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 13:13

I have an only child who I’m a single parent to.

I often invite their cousins from my side away with us. We’ve been abroad a couple of times with family members. I always extend the invite to their parent(s).

I have a cousin who was until recently also a single parent. They have 3 children and their new spouse also has 3.

I’ve always alternated taking the cousins DC away with us, I have taken all 3 with us but it’s usually 1 at a time. I also take my DNs 1 at a time (3 DNs, 1 is also an only).

Cousin has now said that if I don’t include their new stepchildren in holidays then my actual relatives (cousins DC) will no longer be able to go. I said fine, I won’t be taking the none related to me DC away so I’d just offer to take my DNs instead.

The wedding was the first time I’d met the step DC, they seemed nice DC but they’re not related to me. Cousins Spouse sees them 50% of the time, but doesn’t live with cousin because they can’t get a house big enough for 6 DC so whenever I go to cousins they’re not there. I've met the spouse a few times but never there DC in over 5 years they've been together.

Apparently this is disgusting and I should be including these DC as they’re now also my cousins DC. I am depriving my cousins DC of a holiday as well – some years they don’t go away at all especially with my cousin, although I don’t see it as my job to take them away. I pay for everything, they come as an extra child, company for my DC.

They have their own parents who they spend 50% of the time with. Their other parent was at the wedding, and the parent who married my cousin had siblings and DNs, and other cousins at the wedding so I don’t feel it’s my duty to take them away. My SIL (sibling-in-law) sometimes takes my DC away with them but if I remarried and had step DC I wouldn’t expect them to be included.

AIBU or do I need to include these new DC?

OP posts:
Anyport · 22/08/2023 15:06

Can you imagine what would happen at immigration if the child turns round and says that they don't know you?

jeaux90 · 22/08/2023 15:31

Ok I'm a lone parent to an only child.

Kids clubs are your friend. Go and have a lovely holiday with your DC where you can mix it up with kids clubs/time for yourself and some lovely time just you two.

Your cousin is batshit.

LadyBird1973 · 22/08/2023 15:38

I've said this on other threads but just because a couple choose to marry and blend their families, they cannot force their own extended family to view the new step children as exactly the same as the children they're actually related to and have spent years building relationships with!

Your cousin is a cheeky fucker piss taker!
And the dsc other parent is unlikely to agree to them going on holiday with a complete stranger anyway.

SinnerBoy · 22/08/2023 15:43

He wants you to take six kids, none of yours and pay for them? A total of seven kids, all by yourself?

He's taking a total lend of you and you need to end the arrangement. It's neither safe, not sensible for one adult to be on charge of so many children.

You've been kind enough to take your nieces and nephews, as well as paying for them, but this is a very unreasonable thing for him to ask.

You have to say no.

Murdoch1949 · 22/08/2023 15:58

Blimey, she's preventing her bio children from having a holiday because she wants to impress her new partner with how she wants to treat everyone equally. You barely know her stepchildren, how would you and they feel on a holiday together. Cousin is being ridiculous.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 22/08/2023 16:01

sheworemellowyellow · 22/08/2023 13:43

Yet another situation where someone (your cousin) is wanting other people to carry the consequences of their decision (taking on a step-child). Lovely if you want to. You are under no obligation to. She wants you to do this because it will make her home life better. That’s not your responsibility. You are free to decide whether you want to do that or not.

This!

Bethanbee · 22/08/2023 16:26

No good deed goes unpunished eh? Can't believe you have been taking her children away at your own expense and she has anything to say other than "thank you".

yogasaurus · 22/08/2023 16:27

This is bonkers. Their other parent wouldn’t agree to it anyway?

Aylestone · 22/08/2023 16:35

Bethanbee · 22/08/2023 16:26

No good deed goes unpunished eh? Can't believe you have been taking her children away at your own expense and she has anything to say other than "thank you".

This. I know it’s for the children’s benefit, but I couldn’t continue this arrangement just because of the fact that such a massive show of generosity isn’t even appreciated.

strawberry2017 · 22/08/2023 18:53

This is complete madness. They can't make that demand of you for kids you don't even know. 2 of them aren't even close In age to your child.
You have done nothing wrong. If I was the other parent in the step children's lives I wouldn't want some random relative they barely knew that wasn't related to them taking them anywhere!

BravoMyDear · 22/08/2023 18:57

Your cousin has just massively shot himself in the foot hasn’t he? Entitled twat.

Gymmum82 · 22/08/2023 19:01

So as their mother seems as bonkers as the cousin if she agrees with this I can’t imagine their father would be happy with a complete stranger taking their child away on holiday with them. Neither would a 15 year old want to go on holiday as entertainment for a 9 year old. Even if it did mean a free holiday.
Id take a big step back from the cousin and keep up the reciprocal arrangement you have with your own siblings and their children

Hibiscrubbed · 22/08/2023 19:09

Your cousin is a cunt. Fucking hell. What an entitled little prick.

User63847439572 · 22/08/2023 19:14

That would also be silly because if you take one at a time then it would take 6 years to work your way through!

Original poster
TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 19:18

User63847439572 · 22/08/2023 19:14

That would also be silly because if you take one at a time then it would take 6 years to work your way through!

@User63847439572 And I have 3 DNs so 9 years to get through them all

OP posts:
Jibo · 22/08/2023 19:24

I’ve always alternated taking the cousins DC away with us, I have taken all 3 with us but it’s usually 1 at a time. I also take my DNs 1 at a time (3 DNs, 1 is also an only).

So you've already got a rota of 6 different children individually accompanying you on different holidays? How often do you go away? Doesn't your own DC have a preference for which of their cousins they actually want/get on best with?

ironorchids · 22/08/2023 19:27

"Cousin has now said that if I don’t include their new stepchildren in holidays then my actual relatives (cousins DC) will no longer be able to go. I said fine"

Good. Cf!!

This gravy train has crashed and your cousin has to gtf out.

Original poster
TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 19:28

Jibo · 22/08/2023 19:24

I’ve always alternated taking the cousins DC away with us, I have taken all 3 with us but it’s usually 1 at a time. I also take my DNs 1 at a time (3 DNs, 1 is also an only).

So you've already got a rota of 6 different children individually accompanying you on different holidays? How often do you go away? Doesn't your own DC have a preference for which of their cousins they actually want/get on best with?

@Jibo Every year but not always abroad.

DC is the type of child who gets on with anyone but won't do kids clubs or similar so I take a cousin for them.

But now they're a bit older I might start asking their friends instead.

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 22/08/2023 19:34

TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 19:28

@Jibo Every year but not always abroad.

DC is the type of child who gets on with anyone but won't do kids clubs or similar so I take a cousin for them.

But now they're a bit older I might start asking their friends instead.

Show quote history

Yea I’d do this.
It’s nice you have been taking the cousins but it seems it has not become and expectation rather than a nice thing you offer. So much so they think they can manipulate you into taking teenagers you barely know away with you. I don’t know any 15 yr old who would want to holiday with an adult and a little kid they don’t know.

I’d be hugely angry at the attempts at manipulation. Well done for saying you won’t be taking any of the kids in future. I’d stop any help for them you might be giving…disgusting they think they can manipulate you like that.

WaltzingWaters · 22/08/2023 19:49

Your cousin sounds absolutely bonkers.

Youwho2 · 22/08/2023 19:59

Bethanbee · 22/08/2023 16:26

No good deed goes unpunished eh? Can't believe you have been taking her children away at your own expense and she has anything to say other than "thank you".

This.

I'd tell her to shove her kids up her arse.

Goldbar · 22/08/2023 20:44

I would be tempted to tell your cousin that great, you're looking forward to taking the 15yos as it will be fab to have free babysitting for the whole of your holiday. And maybe cousin could send them with some games to entertain your DC while you relax? And by the time it's the 12yo's turn, they'll probably be old enough to babysit too 😂.

Original poster
TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 20:56

Goldbar · 22/08/2023 20:44

I would be tempted to tell your cousin that great, you're looking forward to taking the 15yos as it will be fab to have free babysitting for the whole of your holiday. And maybe cousin could send them with some games to entertain your DC while you relax? And by the time it's the 12yo's turn, they'll probably be old enough to babysit too 😂.

@Goldbar Love this idea!

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 22/08/2023 21:14

Do you mean abroad or in the country where you live? if abroad you will need a letter or something to prove you have permission to take a child who isn't yours out of the country. My DC have their dad's surname, not mine (my choice) so when I travel with them but without DH I need to show their birth certificates to prove who I am.

Original poster
TheHolidayAbroadWithOthers · 22/08/2023 21:25

Bananalanacake · 22/08/2023 21:14

Do you mean abroad or in the country where you live? if abroad you will need a letter or something to prove you have permission to take a child who isn't yours out of the country. My DC have their dad's surname, not mine (my choice) so when I travel with them but without DH I need to show their birth certificates to prove who I am.

@Bananalanacake I've done both abroad and in the UK (where I live) never had any issues taking DC that aren't mine away. DC has ExHs surname not mine and I've never been asked for a letter or anything about them either.

OP posts: