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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DB shouldn’t go for 50:50 residency?

75 replies

FlamingMangoes · 21/08/2023 18:12

DB has a little boy who is almost 4, starting school next September
He and nephews mum split up when neph was a tiny baby, her choice.
Since then DB has bounced around living situations a bit, lived with me for a while, then got a flat, changed jobs a bit but always had neph every weekend and paid maintenance as they agreed. He’s a very hands on and involved father.

He has a great job now, is about to get married and then within the next year move with his wife into a house about 35 mins away from nephew, and he wants to ask for 50/50 from next summer. He currently has neph 1-3 nights every weekend depending on the schedule which he and nephews mum have agreed on.

His new wife has apparently agreed to do the school runs as she WFH.

Personally I think this is mental. He loves his son and misses him so desperately when they aren’t together, which I get. But this will
mean at least 1-1.5 hours every day in the car for neph going to and from school. Won’t be able to commit to any after school activities. Won’t be able to have play dates half the time as too far away. Not to mention 3 hours in the car every day for his wife who supposedly works full time (although that’s her problem I suppose). Nephs mum has also warned DB that him having neph every weekend will have to stop once he starts school, as the moment she has time with him in the week but that will end. She has said no to 50/50.

This is essentially not really my business but my DB wants to take this further, court/solicitors etc. They don’t have very much money. I was wondering whether anyone had any experience in what happens if this sort of thing gets taken to court? Would a judge order 50/50 in this sort of circumstance? Given the distances involved and the history?
YABU - it’s a great idea and a judge would be all for it
YANBU - dreadful idea and it’ll get thrown out
TIA

OP posts:
TinyRebel · 21/08/2023 18:18

Your DN will need stability and I don’t think it is reasonable to expect him to spend his life living between two houses. Plus his new wife may change her mind once they have DC together, leading to a world of upheaval for him.
Probably an unpopular opinion but I think kids do better with one place of residence and seeing the other parent a couple of times a week (e.g. every other full weekend plus a night or two a week either for tea or overnight) one they start school.
Fathers will often demand 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance.🙄

LemonTT · 21/08/2023 18:23

Yes a judge would agree to it.

TinyRebel · 21/08/2023 18:26

YANBU, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a judge agreed to it.

Wishitsnows · 21/08/2023 18:26

i agree with you it doesn’t sound great for your nephew

BibbleandSqwauk · 21/08/2023 18:27

Why on earth would the mum agree to school runs from 35 miles away? That's huge in time and fuel costs. I think a judge might agree in principle to 50/50 but the logistics of the distance really don't work and would be detrimental as a pp said to this poor boy's options for playdates and hobbies. Can the dad not move closer? Or the mum if she WFH? It's great that he wants to share the parenting..we see it so rarely on here but what is proposed is not feasible.

millymollymoomoo · 21/08/2023 18:32

It’s 35 minutes not 35 miles’
totally doable, totally workable

Original poster
FlamingMangoes · 21/08/2023 18:32

She (nephs mum) wouldn't be doing any school runs, idea would be that each parent would pick neph up from school on their day and keep him the whole week. DBs wife would be doing the school runs in his week!
no chance of either parent moving.

OP posts:
Spacecowboys · 21/08/2023 18:32

Nephews parents need to work this out together. It doesn’t seem feasible to have 50/50 unless friendships/ clubs etc can all be maintained and worked round, irrespective of which parent the child is with. I also think mum is being unreasonable saying every weekend will have to stop. Dad can’t be expected to have his contact time reduced when it is not enough now.

AgnesX · 21/08/2023 18:33

Is your DB trying to wiggle out of the amount of maintenance he's paying?

Poor kid, it sounds awful.

SummerDayz47 · 21/08/2023 18:33

What is she proposing? Mediation might be helpful for them if they have managed to parent amicably so far… however if he is not happy with what the Mum offers him then he will have no choice to go via the courts.

millymollymoomoo · 21/08/2023 18:34

And many mothers refuse 50:50 because they want maintenance

it sounds like this dad is actively involved and always provided, paid maintenance regardless of personal circumstances and already has up to 3 nights so I see no argument at all not to move to 50:50

Original poster
FlamingMangoes · 21/08/2023 18:34

Well if DB continues to have to him every weekend when he starts school then she will just be doing the working/school week with no actual leisure time with neph? I wouldn’t accept that with my kids.
I actually really dislike nephs mum, she’s an unpleasant person. But I feel for her here.

OP posts:
frozencarlotta · 21/08/2023 18:36

AgnesX · 21/08/2023 18:33

Is your DB trying to wiggle out of the amount of maintenance he's paying?

Poor kid, it sounds awful.

Wow!

Can't be that he actually wants to spend time with his child??

millymollymoomoo · 21/08/2023 18:36

Why not 3 nights one week 4 the next and make it so weekends are alternative

i agree she should get m-f and dad every weekend but she shouldn’t be looking to reduce nights and contact and 50:50 hete is not unreasonable

OneTwoThreeShake · 21/08/2023 18:36

I don't really see the big deal. 35 minutes is nothing.

Fluffyunicorn1 · 21/08/2023 18:37

Why will he have to stop having him every weekend when he starts school?

Merryoldgoat · 21/08/2023 18:38

TinyRebel · 21/08/2023 18:26

YANBU, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a judge agreed to it.

I agree.

Fahdidahlia · 21/08/2023 18:38

Your DB is wanting to be actively involved in his childs life. That is not a long commute - similar for us as we live in the countryside and have to get kids to school in closest town. Doesn't stop any clubs or playdates.

He has 3/7 nights already. Hes doesn’t want to reduce time who can blame him! It is about stability and his child would ho from having an actively involved Dad to every other weekend. That's not fair either.

Perhaps what needs looking at is more the pattern. Every M T with one parent T W with other and alternative weekends? When parents can coparent well it can be immensely successful.

LifesIsABeach · 21/08/2023 18:40

FlamingMangoes · 21/08/2023 18:34

Well if DB continues to have to him every weekend when he starts school then she will just be doing the working/school week with no actual leisure time with neph? I wouldn’t accept that with my kids.
I actually really dislike nephs mum, she’s an unpleasant person. But I feel for her here.

do you like your brother because you sound pretty against him having his kid 50/50.

35 mins to school is nothing. Kids go further every day to get to school.

donkra · 21/08/2023 18:41

Ah, MN: where a man is a shit if he wants his kids less than 50% and obviously doesn't love them, and is a shit who's probably trying to wriggle out of maintenance if he wants them 50%. God knows what a man who is RP is; a shit who's cruelly denying the other parent access, probably?

I'm sure you mean well, but you don't really have a place in this discussion. Your nephew has a DM to advocate for him and a judge to adjudicate if his parents can't agree. And arrangements can be changed if they turn out not to work.

frozencarlotta · 21/08/2023 18:41

FlamingMangoes · 21/08/2023 18:32

She (nephs mum) wouldn't be doing any school runs, idea would be that each parent would pick neph up from school on their day and keep him the whole week. DBs wife would be doing the school runs in his week!
no chance of either parent moving.

Who will do the school runs when nephew is with his mum?

Not to mention 3 hours in the car every day for his wife
2hours 20mins

Original poster
FlamingMangoes · 21/08/2023 18:41

@OneTwoThreeShake really? That’s good to hear. It’s feel a long time for me for a four/five year old in the car twice a day every day (week on week off) especially when starting school. I also don’t see how you can do things like beavers/football etc which might start at 530? These are horrible stop start London roads too. But I am reassured that you know it can be done and works

@Fluffyunicorn1 because she wants quality/leisure time with her DS. If she only has him Mon-thurs it’s just drudge and school runs isn’t it.

OP posts:
YourNameGoesHere · 21/08/2023 18:41

35 minutes is hardly any time at all so seems totally reasonable to have a 50/50 split.

What did your nephews mum suggest, presumably she made some suggestions when telling him she didn't want him to have DN every weekend?

boomtickhouse · 21/08/2023 18:42

Fluffyunicorn1 · 21/08/2023 18:37

Why will he have to stop having him every weekend when he starts school?

Because he should be doing some of the drudge parenting, schools runs etc. Not just the fun weekends

SeulementUneFois · 21/08/2023 18:43

Completely reasonable of your DB.

As a side question, if he's already having his son 3-4 nights a week, how come he's still paying maintenance if that works out as half the time?