To think my DB shouldn’t go for 50:50 residency?

[FlamingMangoes]

DB has a little boy who is almost 4, starting school next September
He and nephews mum split up when neph was a tiny baby, her choice.
Since then DB has bounced around living situations a bit, lived with me for a while, then got a flat, changed jobs a bit but always had neph every weekend and paid maintenance as they agreed. He’s a very hands on and involved father.

He has a great job now, is about to get married and then within the next year move with his wife into a house about 35 mins away from nephew, and he wants to ask for 50/50 from next summer. He currently has neph 1-3 nights every weekend depending on the schedule which he and nephews mum have agreed on.

His new wife has apparently agreed to do the school runs as she WFH.

Personally I think this is mental. He loves his son and misses him so desperately when they aren’t together, which I get. But this will
mean at least 1-1.5 hours every day in the car for neph going to and from school. Won’t be able to commit to any after school activities. Won’t be able to have play dates half the time as too far away. Not to mention 3 hours in the car every day for his wife who supposedly works full time (although that’s her problem I suppose). Nephs mum has also warned DB that him having neph every weekend will have to stop once he starts school, as the moment she has time with him in the week but that will end. She has said no to 50/50.

This is essentially not really my business but my DB wants to take this further, court/solicitors etc. They don’t have very much money. I was wondering whether anyone had any experience in what happens if this sort of thing gets taken to court? Would a judge order 50/50 in this sort of circumstance? Given the distances involved and the history?
YABU - it’s a great idea and a judge would be all for it
YANBU - dreadful idea and it’ll get thrown out
TIA

Look, I know sometimes the ex actually is a cow and women aren’t always in the right…

But do you not think these 2 things could be linked?! That she’s just fed up with his fuck ups?

*She is often super nasty and unkind.

Basically my DB is kind and well meaning and loving but both him and his DW to be are just massively unpractical plums. He always just manages to fuck it up somehow, or something goes wrong.*

I do believe that the best answer is what suits their child. But honestly, I’d be heartbroken to lose time with my child and then pretty angry if it was because my ex had got another woman to step in and enable it.

Funny how often men can’t do flexible working (or choose to, to their career and/or financial detriment) and can’t possibly live any closer.

EOW + a day in the week could work well if it’s Fri-Mon as the weekend (2 schools runs and a really full weekend) and then be flexible over the coming years about which weekday - change it if needed for clubs starting. Or EOW Fri-Tue, and alternating a Wed midweek with a Tue/Wed midweek. Not so many school runs in a row, and not full weeks away.

Start with the child.
I had a friend whose child was back and forth at dizzying speed - from the outside looked awful for her! But, she loved it - she liked that there was never more than “the day after tomorrow” before she saw the other parent. Some kids like week about cos they like to know they’re in one place for a while. Mine didn’t care - you could give her 5 mins notice of change of plan and she’d shrug, “OK”. She’s a teen now and has complete autonomy to change the pattern. I sometimes get chucked cos stepmum is making lasagne 🤣
You have to start with the child - that would br my advice to your brother.

It's not fair of your brother to ask his wife to do all those school runs. If he can't do the majority of them on his time himself, he shouldn't be asking for 50/50

Your brother sounds as though he bumbles through life, picking up the slack when the females in his life facilitate/enable it.

Yeah, he sounds great...🙄

Could be, but you just have to read any number of threads on MN for it to be a possibility.

I also wonder about the new wife feels about being a new step mum right from the get go too.

35 mins is nothing.

Surely contact would we one week + weekend on and on off. Not fair to either to lose weekends.

As a SM that's the sort of the thing I would have agreed to at the start - ridiculous commutes to help my DH see his children. SM will become bitter and resentful as time goes on if she spends over 2 hours a day driving around trying to WFH. That's the most unreasonable thing your DB has said in all this!

Ridiculous is too much time commuting for a 4 year old. He's not putting the child's needs just his own. Why did he move so far away if he wants to be involved in his child's life?

So if the wife WFH, what's going to happen during the school holidays? I'm my DD'S childcare and I certainly couldn't WFH yet, the youngest is 6, she's a nuisance 😄On a serious note, it stops friendships. My DD has had to put her foot down this year because they now both want to go to choir and after-school clubs. He is much better going through the practicalities and working out what leave he can get during the holidays/bank holidays and having long weekends. There's enough upheaval starting school and they can be tired for the first term (over winter), as well as picking up every bug going. Which is another thing to work out if they were having him.

It’s not ridiculous commutes.
I know plenty of parents who Sri e their own children to school 30+ mins each way and nothing is said about that! But when it’s a nrp suddenly it’s outrageous!

your db is not doing anything wrong here and personally I think you should be more supportive of him

his ex needs to come up with a reasonable proposal that does not reduce his current time !

I would be suggesting to him that instead he suggests to her that they do a rolling 2 week pattern. So…

week 1
M - mums house overnight
T - dad picks up from school, stay over night
W - dad drops at school, mums overnight
T - mums overnight
F - dad picks up from school, stay over night
S - dads overnight
S - dads overnight

week 2
M - dad drops at school, mums overnight
T - mums overnight
W -dad picks up from school, stay over night
T - dad picks up from school, stay over night
F - mums overnight
S - mums overnight
S - mums overnight

that means dad has 6 nights out of 14 and mum has 8. Not quite 50/50 but a good mix of time and the weekends.

my kids don’t do play dates after school so personally I don’t think that’s something to worry about, especially so young but I’d want them to still do their regular activities which you’d brother should also commit to

Just to add, she'd have to be the point of contact and be willing to pick him up, if sick, or has an accident etc. Our school Christmas play means dropping at the local church and picking up earlier etc. The Easter outing meant dropping at the local safari park. School disco a different drop off time in the evening after getting changed. Is she signing up for that, even during pregnancy (if that's in their plans)?

Not fair on the child to be disrupted every other week and be apart from each parent for 7 nights at a time. Much better to have a regular weeknight schedule so maybe he stays at dad's every Tuesday and Wednesday night, so he still has Mondays and Thursdays he can do clubs or whatever.
Then dad also has the option of booking him into after school club or a childminder on Tuesdays and Wednesdays so he can do pick up if/when stepmum gets sick of driving 2 hours a day during work time!

Your DB could request something like pick up from school on Friday and drop back to school on Monday every other weekend.
Pick up from school on Tuesday and drop back on Thursday every week.

Then he still has 50/50 - 7 nights a fornight.

I do agree with PPs that perhaps EOW and then 2 nights midweek, like Tuesday and Thursday nights.

I do feel sorry for your DB.
I’d hate my partner to leave me and then I only get to see my child a couple of nights a week but relying on someone else to do the school runs is going to cause issues in the long run.

The new wife won't want to be doing all that driving with a new baby in tow. Far better to set up something sustainable from the start.

“I do feel sorry for your DB.
I’d hate my partner to leave me and then I only get to see my child a couple of nights a week”

I’d feel sorrier for him if this was earlier than 3.5+ years later, and it was his own life he was changing to fit around equal time parenting, not another woman’s 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also note he wants this arrangement from another year’s time… again, only when it’s easy because school is involved so childcare is less complicated and his wife can do pick ups for him.
He doesn’t want 50/50 for another year - not reroute when he’d actually have to make changes himself to enable it.

@Testina what a lot of assumptions you have made there!

Based on the facts laid out he has been actively involved 3/7 nights a week for a prolonged period of time. It is the mother stating it is changing to far less contact when the child starts school so as he is still wanting to be actively involved he has made a new suggested arrangement that the mother doesn't agree with.

When a mother uses a support network thats acceptable. When a father does the same it is immediately lambasted. The sexism consistently seen on any of these types of threads makes me so uncomfortable.

2/2 5/5 is a better 50/50 pattern.
So Monday and Tuesday nights always at mums. Wednesday Thursday nights always at Dads and switching Friday Sat Sun nights every other week.
It means clubs and playdates can be scheduled by the parent that has the child on that day every week and helps make planning work around school runs easier.
Week on week off is shit for everyone.

I would suggest that your DB has his DS from Wednesday to Monday every other week.

e.g. picks him up from school Wednesday at 3pm, does the school run Thurs/Fri, then returns him to school Monday morning where the mum then picks him up after school.

That way he gets 5 nights a fortnight with his son (so not quite 50/50) and the mum also gets a weekend with him.

They would then need to factor in weekend activities that the child wants to do and make sure that they take him on their weekend.

My friend has this they are about 20 minutes from her ex home. They chose the schools to be equidistant from each which cuts down on travel for each parent and has worked really well for her because she has been able to get a job, as she works 3 days a week so only has to find someone for those days which now her child is 12 is not an issue, take holidays without too much issue. Have relationships where she can keep it very much separate until she has felt is appropriate to introduce her child. Child care is cheaper in the holidays because they take care of their weeks where as if she had been paid maintenance she would not have got anywhere near enough for this.
They both swap their weeks in the summer so they get 2 weeks holiday with their child.
The child has been able to have a normal childhood inviting friends over because there friends are only 10 minutes away from either home she can attend breakfast and after school clubs and now at secondary no needed. They have the same stuff at each home and a parent quibbling about Laundry or I bought that does occur because they have them all week not 2 days.
They have stability as they know where they will be with little swapping of days and the odd time for a wedding for instance is treated like any other party with the parent who they are staying with picking up and dropping off .

I also know dad and the same goes for him,

I also know another couple who do this and they both work part time it's the only truly equal partnership I have ever seen! They are both professionals so better off than others but great to see.

The only sticking point appears to be the child benefit because it can't split the money. in the first case mum takes all the child benefit as she is part time and the other mum takes it as her household income is below the threshold and Dads isn't

They both do week on week off

I feel sorry for the ex having no weekends, the new wife who will be doing all school runs and your nephew who will have early starts when he's at dad's house.

She is often super nasty and unkind.

Basically my DB is kind and well meaning and loving but both him and his DW to be are just massively unpractical plums. He always just manages to fuck it up somehow, or something goes wrong

I think you're being unfair to the ex. There's lots of practical details that have to be remembered when you have a child and it's your nephew who is going to pay the price when his father forgets dress up days, paying for stuff etc Any chance his disorganisation contributed to the breakup of the previous relationship because there's nothing less sexy than a spouse who is useless at being an adult. Bring child like and sweet may be appealing to you as a sibling but having to live with someone who can't get their shit together is going to piss off even the most patient spouse. Getting everything wrong and fucking it up every time is calculated incompetence and going to annoy everyone. (Hope there's no drip feed about a disability...)

The starting point for contact should be 50/50 and every other weekend. Plus there should be an agreement that xw's address can be used for secondary applications since ds currently goes to a school in that area so it would be nice for him to move up with his friends.

You should warn your brother that relying on his wife so much for school runs is tricky. If she is ill or becomes pregnant, she will not want to do long school runs with a baby and school isn't optional.

I would suggest that they trial the journey in rush hour because a 35 minute journey could easily double depending on the roads.

I might have missed this but why does he want to do 50:50 in a year rather than now?

If they do a week on and week off how will things like swimming lessons or other activities work? Will one parent be happy to be driving that far after school or on a weekend? Is your brother prepared to take him to birthday parties etc?

I know a child whose dad lives a similar time away, it's not 50-50 but she hates staying with him on school days as she has to get up so early.

You sound like a lovely aunt who is thinking about the child rather than your brother. It does seem your brother only wants this arrangement in a years time when he can get his new wife to facilitate it for him and when it’s easier as he starts school. Can’t see why the child would want to spend all this time with neither his mum or dad just because it suits your brother. His wife must be crazy to do this, more fool her.