To think my DB shouldn’t go for 50:50 residency?

[FlamingMangoes]

DB has a little boy who is almost 4, starting school next September
He and nephews mum split up when neph was a tiny baby, her choice.
Since then DB has bounced around living situations a bit, lived with me for a while, then got a flat, changed jobs a bit but always had neph every weekend and paid maintenance as they agreed. He’s a very hands on and involved father.

He has a great job now, is about to get married and then within the next year move with his wife into a house about 35 mins away from nephew, and he wants to ask for 50/50 from next summer. He currently has neph 1-3 nights every weekend depending on the schedule which he and nephews mum have agreed on.

His new wife has apparently agreed to do the school runs as she WFH.

Personally I think this is mental. He loves his son and misses him so desperately when they aren’t together, which I get. But this will
mean at least 1-1.5 hours every day in the car for neph going to and from school. Won’t be able to commit to any after school activities. Won’t be able to have play dates half the time as too far away. Not to mention 3 hours in the car every day for his wife who supposedly works full time (although that’s her problem I suppose). Nephs mum has also warned DB that him having neph every weekend will have to stop once he starts school, as the moment she has time with him in the week but that will end. She has said no to 50/50.

This is essentially not really my business but my DB wants to take this further, court/solicitors etc. They don’t have very much money. I was wondering whether anyone had any experience in what happens if this sort of thing gets taken to court? Would a judge order 50/50 in this sort of circumstance? Given the distances involved and the history?
YABU - it’s a great idea and a judge would be all for it
YANBU - dreadful idea and it’ll get thrown out
TIA

If he was that keen to spend time with his child, why didn’t he have him 50/50 already? Why did he have to wait until he had a woman to run around for school runs for him?
Please 🙄 I’m sure he is a great dad, but he’s taking the piss only wanting the change now when he doesn’t actually have to put the effort in himself.

Mine did 50/50 for a while, I’m not against it.

But you have to start from the child. Some kids it’s a breeze, some hate it. Forget what’s practical for the parents. What is the personality of the child?

My boyfriend has 50-50 with his son who is now 9 and honestly I think it's for the parents' benefit more than his. He has verbalised that he feels he doesn't really have a home, is pulled between two houses. And they live 10 mins apart. He doesn't like it but also doesn't and wouldn't want to side with one parent over another and rock the boat. I feel sorry for him.

Yanbu. If he lived on the doorstep then 50/50 would be fair.
The travel will be miserable, especially in winter.

His new wife has apparently agreed to do the school runs as she WFH.

This is a child turning 4 I'm guessing in the next couple of weeks? Is he entertaining himself every afternoon for a couple of hours while his step mum wfh, and his dad is presumably out at work?

@YourNameGoesHere no, they communicate horribly. In DBs defence this is mainly her failing. She is often super nasty and unkind. She said no, absolutely not and BTW you aren’t having him every weekend from next September either.

Basically my DB is kind and well meaning and loving but both him and his DW to be are just massively unpractical plums. He always just manages to fuck it up somehow, or something goes wrong. He will go “yeah let’s implement this brilliant life changing idea” when everyone else can see it’s a terrible idea and no one has given any thought to the practicalities. I can just foresee a dreadful expensive relationship ruining court case from my bro with no good outcome at the end.
Mediation is a brilliant idea, thank you.

So he shouldn't have him during the week because of the school run

And he shouldn't have him at the weekend because that's not fair on the mum

When do you expect him to be allowed to see his child OP?

Not your circus, not your monkeys

Either support your brother & his wife or STFU

50/50 is fine for the DPs but is that what a 5 year old really wants? I can't imagine being that age and constantly shuttled between houses. Unless the DPs can be fair and open and put their DC first I can't see how this gives a DC any feeling of security and safety

Apologies, turning 5 in the next couple of weeks

I do feel really sorry for your DB.

I also think it’s unfair on both parents when one has more contact time than the other, although 50/50 sometimes doesn’t work.

Is there anyway your DB can move closer to his school?
This would make everything a lot easier.

50/50 works really well when in close proximity to everything and doing changeovers Fridays or Sunday. Im pretty sure the new SIL will get fed up of the school run though, and the school holiday situation is something your DB needs to think about too.

Or will his ex want to cling on to the maintenance she is getting that would, presumably, stop if the child's father has 50-50 custody?

Mumsnet is the only place I know where people do 50 50.

I'd hate to live like that. I don't think a child should be expected to get used to it.

The commute all depends on the new wife continuing to wfh and being willing to do the journey. He's BU.

Also, there are lots of advantages to being at a local school. Just because some people have to do long journeys, doesn't make it OK.

I'm not a fan of 50:50. I think it's what parents want rather than children. It sounds like your DB is thinking of week on, week off though, which I definitely don't think works for a 5yo.

It makes perfect sense to swap to EOW once he's at school. It should really have been that from the start but my guess is that it wouldn't have suited your DB to have weekday contact at the time.

The courts care about what is in the child's best interests and what precedent has been set. No one can say for sure that he would be granted 50:50 but it's possible.

They need to do mediation. It's a requirement before going to court, and court should be an absolute last resort due to the expense and stress. If you want to be supportive, encourage him to focus on mediation and to do his best to find a solution that way.

Personally I think that if he was putting his child's interests first, he would be moving much closer to his child and the school. He would be finding a way to do at least some of the school runs himself. I'm not convinced that he is genuinely thinking of his son, it sounds more as if he wants to play happy families with his new wife, with her conveniently doing all the school runs for his child.

Of course it's reasonable for the child's mother to want weekends with him once he starts school - I can't believe that people are saying otherwise. Once the child starts school your brother should have EOW plus 1 or 2 nights in the week, and split holidays equally.

If it does go to court the judge will consider what's in the child's best interests so your brother needs to consider that too.

@WeWereInParis ?
DB currently has neph every weekend, when he doesn’t work abs neither does DW to be
In the week he’s with his mum, and I think she mixes nursery with her own mum for childcare when she’s working

It’s not fair on his wife that she’s having to do the school runs, even if she has agreed to it. She’s the one making the 50/50 happen- not him.

“Agreed to it” without being given a choice, I bet.

And tearing her hair out for over 2 hours a day in London traffic.

What's the actual distance? 35 mins could be 1-2 miles away in London. Is it 35 mins at rush hour?

I can't imagine having to move between two homes at that age. Starting school can be very unsettling for some children and this sort of change to living arrangements at the same time could be a huge adjustment for your nephew to make.

I know 50/50 works well for some families but I think it really depends on how near the parents live to each other, how well they can communicate and get on, the age and personality of the child and what pattern of contact, is it 1 week with each parent or changeovers every 2,3 or 4 days?

My children live with me and are with their Dad EOW. He has dinner with them some nights in the week but no overnights midweek. My children are older though (6, 10, 14) and would not want to be moving between homes, and there has been issues of emotional abuse from their Dad so I felt 50/50 would not be in the kids best interests.

Have you talked to your brother about it and your concerns for your nephew? Unfortunately at the end of the day it is up to him whether he wants to take it to court so there is not a lot you can say or do really. Mediation would be a good option for him and his ex to try before going to court, hopefully that way they can agree a contract schedule between themselves to ensure they both have quality time with as little disruption to their son as possible.

Yes, I agree mediation is good idea, and DB to move nearer to his son and school. Also 50/50 doesn't need to be for a week at a time, it can rotate so both parents do school run and have weekend time every week.

Poor woman. And when she finally does say it’s not working for her, no doubt the dad will accuse her of not liking the child 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Mediation is a requirement before you can even submit a c100. Unless one is exempt for DV reasons.

Many fathers try for 50/50 because they don't want to pay maintenance.

Op it sounds very much like your brother is putting his own needs before that of his son. Often happens when men get married again. What kid wants to spend that amount of time travelling not to mention messing with after school activities. It's selfish frankly.

Would the sensible thing be to move to say 10-15mins from the school instead of 35mins?
Then any 'commute' will be by the Dad to work, not the child to school.

Then both parents can take the DC to clubs, and instead of a week on/week off they can set up more frequent exchanges whilst still alternating weekends.

DB is getting a specific house to live in from a family member
Nephs mum lives in a secure council tenancy with her own mum
neither can move