Has anyone ever not really wanted to go on holiday with their Dp/Dh?

[Noenthusiasmnow]

Surely, this must mean it’s over? I mean what’s the point 🤷🏻‍♀️
Dh has been off since Friday for two weeks and already I feel down, all my enthusiasm for summer and the holidays has gone.
We’d planned to take Dd, 5, camping for a few days next week, but I have zero enthusiasm now. I feel
guilty and sad for my Dd as it should be a lovely family time.
I’m tempted to just work next week and use that money to have a girls trip the week after when Dh is back at work.
So used to our routine in the house when he’s at work and I generally have moments of happiness

Anyone ever had the same thing?

@nillionaire and it sounds like it's constant too. No one has the energy to put with so much negativity constantly.

No, and it sounds like it’s gone so far op feels drained just being near him.

Of course the op may need to accept that its time to move on in this instance but I don’t think it’s altogether a bad idea to apply a rational mindset to issues like this in general because, say someone is clinically depressed without knowing it, that could affect the way they look at everything, including their relationship, for example, and in cases like that it is better not to trust just your feelings but rather actions and circumstances.

Many menopausal women go through a phase of hating their dhs for example and as soon as they go on HRT then their feelings turn around. I’m not saying this to invalidate the op, rather to give her the best chance of making an important decision objectively and rationally.

It seems like his negativity has ground down your love for him. Would you consider counselling? This relationship has a slim chance of saving possibly?

Sorry that you are feeling so miserable op. It’s very hard to judge from what you have written here what your dh has done wrong apart from not exactly being a laugh a minute. I’m really sorry if it’s much more than that but tbh - going on two of the things you have described such as the poo bags and the dog-walking - they surely could be interpreted as him trying to be helpful rather than controlling?

Are you sure that you are not suffering from depression? I hope this doesn’t sound dismissive but many marriage counsellors will tell you that clients go to counselling expecting the therapist to “fix” their spouse , when in actual fact they end up both working on themselves.

Whatever the objective “truth” of the matter here, it’s obvious that the communication between you is poor. You may want a dh who takes the initiative and sweeps you off your feet a bit and is more relaxed and fun and spontaneous, whereas he may be wary of upsetting you or he’s anxious about not being good enough or he’s anxious about other things.

Surely instead of avoiding spending time with him, the best thing to do would be to go away and try and really talk properly? Can you get a baby-sitter and spend some quality time together?

Which is why I asked OP about the energy she’s giving up. It sounds like they’re just winding each other up.

We will separate when DD leaves home. There is absolutely no way on earth I want to spend my retirement with him, I could think of nothing worse. But I'm so worn down over the years of feeling the weight of his moods & criticisms. He does comment I'm not the same person anymore & he's right, I feel on edge & know it's only a matter of time before he makes a snide comment. My brain must be in a state of constant stress &, pressure. I put up with it for the sake of DD but it's not what I want & if she were younger I would separate right now. Make peace with it & go our separate ways. I regret not doing it when I had the chance & it's only become worse over the years.

@Ohforfox So sorry 😞 how old is your Dd?

It sounds very aggravating. I'd be annoyed.

Especially as you work and you just want to enjoy the free time you have- including nice times with your DD.

I've had this with my DH, he can be an absolute mood hoover and it seems particularly so on holidays. He just isn't a sociable person... we don't often go out together as a couple at home because he doesn't enjoy being out and would rather be at home and usually in bed before 10.
A few years ago circumstances meant that I went on holiday for a few days with just our middle child and it was bliss. Since then I've realised that there is no law that says you have to all go on holiday together and it seems to work well for our family. So far this year I've had a week away at Easter with DS2 and a week away at half term with DD and MIL. DH took DD camping for a week at the start of the summer hols which is something I wouldn't enjoy at all and we'll have a few days away together in October half term. Of course it helps that my DH is happy with this arrangement.
In your shoes I would encourage your DH to go on the camping trip with DD while you work so that he gets some time with DD and then have a girls trip the week after but don't write off your whole marriage over this as it may just be a bit of a blip.

How's your sex life. ?

My exh wax like this, ruined every holiday,
Left him
4 years ago, now we holiday just me and the kids, its bliss!

@ChaliceinWonderland Non existent.

You should be careful you've not misunderstood the post before you write such nasty things. It was clear OP was talking about a girls trip away for she and her daughter.

I'm also struggling to see what was so one sided with the exchange on the beach, it sounded to me like your DH was playing with your daughter for a while and when she came back up to you, instead of engaging with her you let her wander off to play with other children, nothing inherently wrong with that, but if he sees you as disengaged (which it sounds like you are at the moment to be fair) he may be getting frustrated by it, and in trying to get you to engage with her, you give him a passive aggressive answer and still refused to get involved with what DD was doing, to which he huffed off, then you all sat in silence in a cafe while you looked away from DD and cried.. from what you've described I can't see why that would bother you so much, are you sure you're not down/depressed and the little things he's doing and saying to try and prompt a response are making you feel that he's getting at you constantly? He could just be a mardy bum, and you've had enough of him, but do you honestly think that's all that it is?

I think you need to talk to him and lay out how you feel, he sounds as frustrated with your attitude as you do with his, but neither of you seem to know why.

But you can't just assume he knows WHY you're feeling the way you are, that's not fair at all, and it must be horrible for your daughter to be in that atmosphere.

@sandyhappypeople What? I wasn’t and never am disengaged from my Dd, she didn’t come up to me and I didn’t let her wander off, she was in the same spot, right in front of us, playing perfectly happy.
I do 90% of her childcare, she was happy with friends right in front of me and I was sat up happily watching her, there was no need at all for him to speak horribly. I didn’t act passive aggressively. I’m not depressed and started the day off really happily until that situation

@sandyhappypeople My Dd isn’t in a horrible atmosphere as I always put a cheery display on for her

Do you think he’s pretending that everything is fine between you? Like if he ignores it, you’ll stop being hysterical and start understanding that his way is clearly the best? Or is it that he’s completely oblivious to just how low you’re feeling?

I think I’d be inclined to text him back and say something like ‘no, you’ve misunderstood. I feel physically fine, but I think I’d like to try having separate holidays this year. You take DD camping for a week and I’ll take her for a break after that. We seem to enjoy completely different things and there’s no point in us both being miserable because the other isn’t enjoying themselves’. Then seriously consider leaving. She may adore her dad, but I’m sure she would rather see you both happy apart than miserable together.

op, this is quite a long thread and nowhere do you raise talking to your dp. Please can you sit him down and tell him you feel he does nothing but moan, that you look after dd 90% of the time but as soon as he’s on the scene nothing you do is right and everything is miserable. The BEACH is miserable, taking your child to the beach is miserable, putting down some dog poo is done wrong, it feels like everything and you aren’t happy?

Why do you think your DH asked you to watch her do you suppose? and what was horrible about it? Was it his tone, or what he actually said, I'm sorry if I'm not getting a bigger meaning/nefarious intent on his part but it seems from what you're describing that he said something and you've taken offence at the meaning of it, without being certain what the meaning/intent behind it actually was.

It seems strange that he would even ask you to watch her in the situation you're describing (her playing happily in front of you etc), would you not just ask him why he thought you needed to as she was playing quite nicely and she was right there in front of you? I'd have given my DH a bit of side eye, and a 'hang on I'll just get my binoculars out' type of sarky comment if I thought he was being a bit precious.

You're reaction was 'I'm always watching her', which is a bit loaded IMO, it's like a retort to an innocuous question and it honestly sounds to me like you're spoiling for a fight instead of brushing it off, then crying in a cafe over that seems quite an extreme emotional reaction to just come out of a very minor disagreement which is why I asked if you were feeling down, but could have the complete wrong end of the stick.

I still think you need to have a discussion with him.

I've just been away with my DH and toddler for a week and all that time together minor niggles can start to grate on you, especially if you're used to quite separate lives, but you don't want to necessarily hash it out because you're supposed to be having a nice time on holiday! I find a walk with the dogs, little one, or half an hour of alone time sorts it out for me, there's only so much you can do of that before you need to just get it out in the open though.