Has anyone ever not really wanted to go on holiday with their Dp/Dh?

[Noenthusiasmnow]

Surely, this must mean it’s over? I mean what’s the point 🤷🏻‍♀️
Dh has been off since Friday for two weeks and already I feel down, all my enthusiasm for summer and the holidays has gone.
We’d planned to take Dd, 5, camping for a few days next week, but I have zero enthusiasm now. I feel
guilty and sad for my Dd as it should be a lovely family time.
I’m tempted to just work next week and use that money to have a girls trip the week after when Dh is back at work.
So used to our routine in the house when he’s at work and I generally have moments of happiness

Anyone ever had the same thing?

I feel that what you need to hear on this thread is that it is ok to thorw in the towel if you are miserable with your H. And you know what OP, it is. It is ok to be done with a relationship.

@Ohforfox Will you not separate?

@Summerrainagain1 I know, it’s just Dd..it’s hard. I wonder if there are lots other though who put up with different things and whether I should just suck it up and ignore/get on with it. Surely not everyone’s deliriousy happy

I'm going about it badly, so probably not the best person to ask! I used too cry behind my sunglasses too, while trying to pretend for DC. Now it's a mixture of explaining exactly what the problem is, calling out every single thing he does against me in a really unemotional voice and detaching my enjoyment of the holiday from him. So we get to the beach and he starts moaning about it being too hot / cold/ sunny / crowded / whatever, and I just ignore it and go in the sea with DC. He calls me a fucking bitch for missing a turn in the car, I say "don't swear at me" in a totally expresionless voice. On my last holiday he told me to fuck off and physically pushed me, I told him I'd leave him if he did it again. The biggest difference is psychologically, I do not factor him into my happiness on holiday at all. I go and eat food I like, in places I like, with my wonderful DC, and if he sulks I act like he doesn't exist. If he joins in positively then I take it as a bonus nice thing for the DC. I do think that I need to just commit one way or the other: if family holidays are important, just do them and adjust how much you allow your DP to encorach on your own time.

It sounds to me that you have slightly different parenting views - but very much that you are used to be being alone with your DD so not used to have to take his interaction into account .

Sounds like he needs to relax a little in general but that you maybe need to accept that you are both allowed to have different approaches.

I don't get that he's coming across as controlling - miserable maybe, but you obviously aren't very happy yourself .

Another poster has suggested counselling, which sounds a good idea .

This is heartbreaking.

Definitely suggest they go camping without you, and then you and DD can do something together.

You should not be made to feel like this. I think you’re due a Big Talk with him, when you’re back from holiday.

OP, don't get sucked in to the over-rationalising, analysing mindsets some PPs are bringing up here. Ultimately what matters is how you feel during and after spending time with him. As you pointed out in a previous comment, you don't feel like this after spending time with other people in your life. That's the salient information, OP, not whether you're being objectively reasonable in your feelings or not. This is your partner, you're only with each other through choice, because you make each others' lives better. It sounds like that's no longer the case.

It is hard, 100%. But your DD will absolutely be pick up on the tension and your sadness. Maintaining this dynamic will not be better for her than the two of your being apart.

I strongly agree with this. Don't fall into the trap of assuming that just because everyone has their struggles in relationships, it means that it's normal and necessary to suck up feeling this miserable with your DH. Happiness is out there, and just because not everyone is deliriously happy all the time doesn't mean you can't go and find your own happiness. It is NOT a necessity of life to feel this shit after spending time with the person you've chosen to be your partner.

@AmazingSnakeHead So sorry you’re going through this, do the kids notice? Will you leave? Have you spoken to him about it?
I completely understand

I absolutely don't think that you should suck up being miserable.

I do think that people can get stuck in negative patterns- both in terms of speaking negatively without thinking, and interpreting the other's behaviour in the worst light. And I think if both people are motivated, its possible to change those patterns. I'd make a concerted effort to communicate with him about what is happening, maybe go to couples counselling. And then if its still the same in a few months, you'd know you'd tried everything, and leaving was the right choice.

I don’t think you need to look much further than this OP - if you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy and you don’t have to stay. You don’t have to provide proof that it is all his fault, you are allowed to just not want to be in this relationship anymore.

I think too many people feel that their complaints/issues have to reach some kind of bar or you can’t just leave. You can just leave, because you are happier without him. I find it baffling that anyone talks as a PP does about making the best of a “garbage relationship”, why on earth would you stay in a garbage relationship??

My ex was king of the strops, sometimes for purposes of control I think, sometimes because he just had to take his moods out on someone or have someone to blame for every negative event (even totally external events that were clearly happening to us both). It was exhausting, nothing was ever good enough. Life is so much lighter on my own, even as a single parent!

Yep. I'd much rather go without mine

@ManchesterGirl2 i thought the same as you.

OP, It’s just like anything he does will annoy you, but he’s not really done much wrong tbh. A lot of people on here will jump on his actions but really what has he done? Are you giving off “I’m annoyed” energy too?

But it’s fine to feel that way; you either need to communicate and work through it or end it.

I definitely think you should try couples counselling. I think the relationship is not so far gone that you can't bring it back at this stage, but you should probably try counselling soon.
If that doesn't work and you're still not happy then of course you can leave him but if your DD asks in the future you can look her in the eye and tell her you tried all the options first. Obviously I wouldn't give this advise if there had been abuse but I don't think there has, yes he sounds a bit controlling but I wouldn't say abusive from your examples.

@PuddlesPityParty Would you like someone to speak to you the way he did to me at the beach? It happens all the time and is just a miserable, mean way to be and makes me feel miserable and mean too and that’s not me and who I want to be

What was so upsetting to you about what he said? Honestly, if I’m being honest I think you’re massively overreacting.

You don't want to spend time with him. Whatever he does or says is wrong. You would rather he wasn't around and it was just you and your child (but obviously you want the money he earns for the household.) Do you realise that he senses this? Do you think he doesn't know that you don't want him around? Of-course he knows!
Just let him go. He'll find someone else and maybe an occupation he loves instead of the shitty 9-5 grind. You can be alone with your child which is all you want. Life is too short. It's over.

@RojoCarlottaValdez Wow, you really have no idea.

You really do need to tell him exactly this.

@nillionaire Yes, you’re right

Regarding some PPs’ take on him not having done much, I think a lot of times it’s hard to tell without knowing the tone. You know the tone, the look etc, that they’re not getting here.

No everyone is not deliriously happy but there are a lot of people who believe it’s better to be in almost any relationship than on your own.

@AmazingSnakeHead that’s awful by the way, that’s very much the sort of thing my ex used to do. I know you haven’t asked for advice on her but if you did, everyone would be telling you you deserve better and to seriously think about leaving. Sorry, unsolicited advice I know.

It’s not just the words, it’s the way you say things, body language, sighing and the way the person looks at you. Negative energy.

I don't think they noticed yet, but I could be wrong and they're younger than yours. I was going to leave last year. Now after some effort on both of our parts and the tactics above, things are slightly better and at least for now for me the happiness balance for both myself and DC is in favour of staying.

The holiday was actually a wake up call for me too, I was essentially a mess the night before we had to go away and DP actually stopped and said "Look I can see you're nervous. You don't have to worry about me". Which showed to me that he knew what he had been like. That particular holiday was not good, but the one just gone was much better.

If you want to improve the situation talk to him, explain clearly what you will and won't tolerate as behaviour from him on holiday. But also it's ok if you don't want to save it. I just personally think that the half way house where you're together but never do the nice things like holidays is the worst of both worlds.