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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of quality « me time » with my parents. Who is BU?

65 replies

Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:17

I need some perspective.

I’ve always had a great relationship with my parents who’ve always been loving and helpful when we needed it with the DCs.

However things have been deteriorating over the past few years as my DB has been taking a lot more space. He’s got a fairly good job, his wife works too, they own their house, but they have nowhere near the same situation as we do as both DH and I have very good careers, have been carefully with money, basically investing everything wisely, to the point we’ve been helping several family members (DB and DSIL included) buying a home. They also don’t have the same situation as our parents had, ie can’t afford a secondary home, expensive holidays, nice car etc My dad can’t stand the fact his son can’t have the same lifestyle as he had so they are now subsidising his lifestyle with holidays, childcare, pet care and many other things (such as house deposit but that doesn’t bother me as doesn’t impact me).

The consequences of that is that whenever I see my parents, they’re never on their own, there is always someone from my DB’s family spoiling the party and we don’t have quality time. It will be either my SIL who’s a nice person but there are lots of subjects we’re not allowed to talk about in front of her so conversations will be super bland (my dad despite being in his 80s is still very alert, on top of everything, politics, economy, latest trends etc but we can’t talk about any of that when my DB’s family are around).
Or it will be my DB’s dog being sick/eating our dinner (the dog is a covid puppy, and my DB had to give the dog to my parents when he realised dog care would be too expensive when going back to work 🙄).
Or my nieces and nephews having tantrums/seeking attention until midnight when we want to spend quality time among adults.

We see my parents much less than my DB as we live abroad and they can’t come and visit us as much as they used to due to their age so it saddens me deeply to no longer have quality « me time » with them as they won’t be there forever. It’s the same with my DCs, they love their grand parents but have been put off visiting them lately when they realised my DB’s family would be around.

What also worries me is that my parents are in their 80s and 70s and whilst still relatively fit and healthy, they’re ageing and my DB doesn’t see that. He will ask them to look after their 3 young DCs + 2 friends of my niece for one week in their holiday home. My parents always say yes but I could see they were exhausted after this week but will never say no to their son.
Likewise this week my dad came back exhausted from walking the dog (big active dog) and we had to tell him to stop doing it as he’s starting to have some cardiovascular problems.

This is starting to create real issues and tensions, with my mum in particular, as she can see we are annoyed whereas she thinks there is no issue and we should all live happily together. My dad is sad about this situation and more understanding but my mum will always win.

Basically I feel like my DB is asking too much from my ageing parents (who will never dare saying no to him) and should retreat sometimes to let me and my family have some quality time with my parents.

AIBU or not?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 21/08/2023 07:21

Yabu. Up to your parents what they do. In all honesty you sound a bit jealous.

Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:26

RedHelenB · 21/08/2023 07:21

Yabu. Up to your parents what they do. In all honesty you sound a bit jealous.

I agree I may sound jealous but disagree with your first statement. My dad would like things to be different and is even sadder than I am, but he’s got no choice.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:26

So you live abroad and visit occasionally whereas your brother and his family are a constant presence in your parents' lives. Maybe your mum and dad really value that. Perhaps he asks them to do too much for him, perhaps not. Ultimately, it is for them to determine whether they want to help him or not. I don't really understand the relevance of all the financial information at the start of your post. So you and your DH are much richer than DB and SIL and your parents are choosing to help them out. You clearly resent that, even though you say it doesn't bother you. You sound jealous, basically?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:27

Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:26

I agree I may sound jealous but disagree with your first statement. My dad would like things to be different and is even sadder than I am, but he’s got no choice.

Show quote history

Why does he have no choice? I'm not buying that.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:28

From your initial OP, it sounds like your dad is sad about your reaction to the situation rather than resenting doing stuff for his son. That is not the same thing at all.

toomuchlaundry · 21/08/2023 07:31

If you moved abroad you were restricting the amount you could see your parents anyway. Surely if you wanted quality me time with them you wouldn’t have moved so far away

Guavafish1 · 21/08/2023 07:32

You need to speak to your brother about the dog and come up with a solution.

Also your parents need to learn to say no to childcare requests, not much you can do.

Why is a member of your DB family with your parents?

Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:35

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:28

From your initial OP, it sounds like your dad is sad about your reaction to the situation rather than resenting doing stuff for his son. That is not the same thing at all.

It’s both. He is clearly sad about my reaction (and for that I feel bad) but having to support DB is crippling him financially (he told me), eg they can’t rent out their holiday house as DB or his family always use it and many similar things.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/08/2023 07:37

I'm a bit confused about something - you said your father is walking a 'big, active dog' that's your brothers

Is that the sane dog as you described as a Covid puppy that they had to give to your parents

Because if so after all this time it's your dads dog and it's always going to need walking Confused

And yes, they shouldn't have taken on a young active dog if your dad has heart problems - dog will outlive them and then what happens ?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 07:38

This is going to sound harsh, but this is what happens when you choose to move overseas and away from your family. You do miss out and you don't get the same quality time as you would if you lived closer.

You can't just expect to pop back over to your parents and have them drop everything to accommodate your visit and to spend quality time with you. It sounds like your brother is much more available and spends much more time with them (along with his wife and family) - they probably really appreciate that and don't want him to "retreat" just because you've decided to come home for a visit.

Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:39

Guavafish1 · 21/08/2023 07:32

You need to speak to your brother about the dog and come up with a solution.

Also your parents need to learn to say no to childcare requests, not much you can do.

Why is a member of your DB family with your parents?

I know I have to talk to him but in my family we don’t talk, we don’t argue… Need to be brave and do it.
There is always a member of my DB’s family with my parents for childcare reasons during term time and 100% of the time during holidays. My DB and his family have never had a holiday outside of my parents holiday place.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/08/2023 07:39

Your father could easily say no to all of it - it sounds like your parents don't need the holiday home money?

So they are not ruining themselves financially, they're doing all this to themselves - equalising the money in the family by making up for what your brother doesn't earn

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:42

Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:35

It’s both. He is clearly sad about my reaction (and for that I feel bad) but having to support DB is crippling him financially (he told me), eg they can’t rent out their holiday house as DB or his family always use it and many similar things.

Show quote history

Then if he is alert and on top of things as you say he is, he can explain to DBIL that he needs the holiday let rental income.

If your DBIL and family are away using the holiday let so often that it is having a crippling effect on your parents' finances, surely there must be plenty of opportunities for you to visit your parents when they are on holiday? They can't be simultaneously with your parents all of the time but always on holiday?

It doesn't sound like your brother and his family are destitute by any means, so you have to face the reality that your "alert and on top of things" parents are choosing to support them financially. And they have a right to make that choice, whether you approve of it or not.

Honestly, it sounds to me like your dad is sad that you're so jealous of your brother. I don't blame him.

Theunamedcat · 21/08/2023 07:42

So why can't you have a proper conversation with your dad when sil is around? I dont get it?

Do they live with your parents?

Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:42

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 07:38

This is going to sound harsh, but this is what happens when you choose to move overseas and away from your family. You do miss out and you don't get the same quality time as you would if you lived closer.

You can't just expect to pop back over to your parents and have them drop everything to accommodate your visit and to spend quality time with you. It sounds like your brother is much more available and spends much more time with them (along with his wife and family) - they probably really appreciate that and don't want him to "retreat" just because you've decided to come home for a visit.

What do you mean by more available? He uses them but doesn’t help them/contribute to anything. They hardly ever ask for help but if they need something they will call me!
My mum recently had an operation and I sent her some meals during her hospital stay (she wouldn’t touch hospital food) and organised some help at home afterwards. My DB didn’t lift a finger!

OP posts:
LoveThisUsername · 21/08/2023 07:46

It will be either my SIL who’s a nice person but there are lots of subjects we’re not allowed to talk about in front of her so conversations will be super bland (my dad despite being in his 80s is still very alert, on top of everything, politics, economy, latest trends etc but we can’t talk about any of that when my DB’s family are around).

What can't/can you talk about and why?

Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:47

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:42

Then if he is alert and on top of things as you say he is, he can explain to DBIL that he needs the holiday let rental income.

If your DBIL and family are away using the holiday let so often that it is having a crippling effect on your parents' finances, surely there must be plenty of opportunities for you to visit your parents when they are on holiday? They can't be simultaneously with your parents all of the time but always on holiday?

It doesn't sound like your brother and his family are destitute by any means, so you have to face the reality that your "alert and on top of things" parents are choosing to support them financially. And they have a right to make that choice, whether you approve of it or not.

Honestly, it sounds to me like your dad is sad that you're so jealous of your brother. I don't blame him.

Show quote history

It actually concerns me that they are choosing to support them financially… As a result we’re now starting to have to support my parents financially too (paying for major houseworks, send them home help etc) so effectively indirectly funding my DB’s lifestyle.

OP posts:
HamishTheCamel · 21/08/2023 07:48

OP, I agree with you that it sounds like your parents are doing too much for your brother (considering their age) and it's putting a strain on them. But I'm not sure what you can do about it really. At the end of the day it's up to them and they need to say no.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:48

Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:42

What do you mean by more available? He uses them but doesn’t help them/contribute to anything. They hardly ever ask for help but if they need something they will call me!
My mum recently had an operation and I sent her some meals during her hospital stay (she wouldn’t touch hospital food) and organised some help at home afterwards. My DB didn’t lift a finger!

Show quote history

In my experience, company is what older people crave the most. Your parents will be well aware that your DBIL and his family are the ones who will be present as their needs get greater. Paying for help and support is great, but it isn't the same and a lot of older people would rather manage stuff for themselves if family can't help them. We are going through this with my aunt at the moment.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 07:49

What do you mean by more available? He uses them but doesn’t help them/contribute to anything.

Does he use them? Or does he ask for help and they say yes? I don't think it's fair to blame this all on your brother when presumably your parents are more than capable of turning around and saying "no" if they feel that it's too much.

I also think you're hugely underestimating how much your brother does for your parents. He may not be ordering them hospital meals but he's the one who is there everyday - listening to them and providing company and day-to-day support.

declutteringmymind · 21/08/2023 07:49

Maybe next time your there, take them on a little break.

Raindancer411 · 21/08/2023 07:52

HamishTheCamel · 21/08/2023 07:48

OP, I agree with you that it sounds like your parents are doing too much for your brother (considering their age) and it's putting a strain on them. But I'm not sure what you can do about it really. At the end of the day it's up to them and they need to say no.

This is sadly the case. Your parents aren't always going to be there to bank roll them, and they are not helping him out in the long term. What will he done once any inheritance (if any left) runs out?

As for you helping your parents out, in the nicest way, you are enabling the parents to then continue. Maybe just say things have become tighter and you don't have the money to help them. Then hopefully you can suggest they should be asking your DB for money when they use the holiday rental?

LoverofGreen · 21/08/2023 07:52

Are you able to take your parents away with you somewhere when you visit?

I understand you wanting to spend time with them alone absolutely.

I had similar problem years ago when my sibling and family moved in with my parents permanently because of financial reasons, used to take my mum out somewhere nice when I used to visit for an uninterrupted chat plus she used to visit me a lot, I understand your parents are too old now to do that.

Hope you come up with a solution.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 07:53

I don't think you can move abroad and away from your parents and then go on to complain that you don't get quality time with them when you do visit.

You see your brother as selfish but maybe he views you in the same way for disappearing overseas and leaving him to support your ageing parents alone?

They may provide him with childcare but he also provides them with day to day support - a listening ear and plenty of company. If they have a fall or need to get to an appointment it will him they rely on for it all, not you.

Commonhousewitch · 21/08/2023 07:55

If you are only back periodically you just need to arrange things so your brothers family aren't there- eg book a cottage away with your parents. go and see your parents when your brother is using their second home.
It is difficult- i'm overseas and when we're back we only ever seem to see my brother plus mys sisters family as one unit -it annoys me more as I'd like to see my sister/her family separate from my mum - as the whole dynamic changes.
My mum also (on the surface) does a lot for my sister and her family but i think a huge part of this is her embedding herself into their family and feeling helpful.

Are your children older than your brother's? maybe your parents are trying to be as involved in their lives as they were in your children's but it is just harder because they're older

Out of interest why can you only talk about bland subjects when your SIL is there?

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