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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of quality « me time » with my parents. Who is BU?

65 replies

Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:17

I need some perspective.

I’ve always had a great relationship with my parents who’ve always been loving and helpful when we needed it with the DCs.

However things have been deteriorating over the past few years as my DB has been taking a lot more space. He’s got a fairly good job, his wife works too, they own their house, but they have nowhere near the same situation as we do as both DH and I have very good careers, have been carefully with money, basically investing everything wisely, to the point we’ve been helping several family members (DB and DSIL included) buying a home. They also don’t have the same situation as our parents had, ie can’t afford a secondary home, expensive holidays, nice car etc My dad can’t stand the fact his son can’t have the same lifestyle as he had so they are now subsidising his lifestyle with holidays, childcare, pet care and many other things (such as house deposit but that doesn’t bother me as doesn’t impact me).

The consequences of that is that whenever I see my parents, they’re never on their own, there is always someone from my DB’s family spoiling the party and we don’t have quality time. It will be either my SIL who’s a nice person but there are lots of subjects we’re not allowed to talk about in front of her so conversations will be super bland (my dad despite being in his 80s is still very alert, on top of everything, politics, economy, latest trends etc but we can’t talk about any of that when my DB’s family are around).
Or it will be my DB’s dog being sick/eating our dinner (the dog is a covid puppy, and my DB had to give the dog to my parents when he realised dog care would be too expensive when going back to work 🙄).
Or my nieces and nephews having tantrums/seeking attention until midnight when we want to spend quality time among adults.

We see my parents much less than my DB as we live abroad and they can’t come and visit us as much as they used to due to their age so it saddens me deeply to no longer have quality « me time » with them as they won’t be there forever. It’s the same with my DCs, they love their grand parents but have been put off visiting them lately when they realised my DB’s family would be around.

What also worries me is that my parents are in their 80s and 70s and whilst still relatively fit and healthy, they’re ageing and my DB doesn’t see that. He will ask them to look after their 3 young DCs + 2 friends of my niece for one week in their holiday home. My parents always say yes but I could see they were exhausted after this week but will never say no to their son.
Likewise this week my dad came back exhausted from walking the dog (big active dog) and we had to tell him to stop doing it as he’s starting to have some cardiovascular problems.

This is starting to create real issues and tensions, with my mum in particular, as she can see we are annoyed whereas she thinks there is no issue and we should all live happily together. My dad is sad about this situation and more understanding but my mum will always win.

Basically I feel like my DB is asking too much from my ageing parents (who will never dare saying no to him) and should retreat sometimes to let me and my family have some quality time with my parents.

AIBU or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:55

I fully understand what you mean, moral support/presence vs financial support but my DB is not really there every day to provide moral support either... He or my SIL didn’t go and visit her at hospital despite the fact they live and work relatively close to the hospital (ie less than 30mn by public transport). My adult DD happened to be in town at the time and went there every day (she’s the one who cooked and brought the meals!!).

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 07:56

Your parents clearly aren't badly off. They own a second property. If they need money, they can sell that property, maximise rental income, look into equity release etc. They clearly have options and you indicate that they have the mental capacity to make their own decisions. Sorry, but that means that they can make decisions that you don't like.

You don't have to subsidise this. That's also a choice and you can choose not to do it.

rookiemere · 21/08/2023 07:56

I get you OP. I would suggest that once the roles reverse and your DPs need more help than they provide, you won't see DB or his family for dust.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 07:58

Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 07:55

I fully understand what you mean, moral support/presence vs financial support but my DB is not really there every day to provide moral support either... He or my SIL didn’t go and visit her at hospital despite the fact they live and work relatively close to the hospital (ie less than 30mn by public transport). My adult DD happened to be in town at the time and went there every day (she’s the one who cooked and brought the meals!!).

Hmmm. I still think you're underestimating how much support your brother provides them - after all, if your parents didn't want to provide the childcare or take the dog - they would have said no, surely?

They clearly get something out of it - time with their grandchildren, company from the dog, and it means they see their adult son on a regular basis as an added bonus as well.

Hospital visits and meals are one tiny part of life - he's there for the everyday, maybe he feels as though you/your daughter should do some of it too?

rookiemere · 21/08/2023 08:00

Here's an idea. As they spend so much time in your DPs holiday home, why not find out when they plan to use it and come to visit then.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 08:01

rookiemere · 21/08/2023 08:00

Here's an idea. As they spend so much time in your DPs holiday home, why not find out when they plan to use it and come to visit then.

That's what I suggested above.

They can't be "always" on holiday while simultaneously being always with your parents.

Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 08:03

To those suggesting we take my parents away this is very topical… We have just offered to take them somewhere nice (it’s already booked and there is space for them) for a week away during Xmas holidays. We were discussing it last night, my dad is very exited and really wants to come but I can see that my mum is less than enthusiastic.

I’ll probably have a discussion with him this week and make the point they have to start being sensible with money and listen to their body!

OP posts:
wizzywig · 21/08/2023 08:04

Why don't you pay for your parents to visit you? Then you can have your quality time. And say no you won't pay for your brother to come along

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 08:05

I cannot reconcile you wanting quality time with your parents with moving abroad. I expect it is nice for your parents to have your brother and his family so involved in their lives. You cannot expect them to clear off because you decide to fly into town. I also don’t think it is your place to look across from overseas ad criticise their choices.

And the dog is now your parents dog, not your brothers dog, you seem to be deliberately referring to it as brothers dog so you have another thing to criticise.

ChubbyMorticia · 21/08/2023 08:05

So, as I understand it, your parents enable your brother’s lifestyle to the point that it’s straining their finances. You’re enabling your parents by sending them money.

Perhaps you should start saying no, stop enabling, and start a chain reaction. If they need money, they can sell the second home, quit paying for your brother and his family.

Everyone in this situation is an adult. Nobody HAS to financially carry someone else, you’re all choosing it.

harriethoyle · 21/08/2023 08:06

Don't finance your parents then moan about it. Either do it freely and generously with no strings or say no.

rookiemere · 21/08/2023 08:07

If you're the one giving them money for things, then you have every right to ask to have a look at their finances, you could say that you're worried something is happening to the money and are surprised they are making so little from their holiday rental investment.

Even if you are very comfortably off you can say it's because you're thinking about future retirement so you can't be spending so much.

Frankly the only real power you have to change their behaviour is to stop writing them cheques so they can then hand all their money to the golden child.

WhaleSharkBootySweat · 21/08/2023 08:07

I think they know that they'll need your DB and DSIL in their older years. I mean, are you planning to move back to look after them?

bozzabollix · 21/08/2023 08:11

I know how you feel, my sister always takes a lot more resources from my parents than me and I do get frustrated, however it is their decision. I think you need to accept that too.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 08:12

If you're the one giving them money for things, then you have every right to ask to have a look at their finances, you could say that you're worried something is happening to the money and are surprised they are making so little from their holiday rental investment.

That kind of depends on whether the parents are actively asking the OP for money or whether she is just choosing to pay for stuff. She doesn't make this clear either way.

What she has made clear is that her dad still has full mental capacity. In light of this, I don't think the OP has any "right" to look into her parents' finances at all. The only "right" that she does have in that situation is to choose not to subsidise their financial choices.

LittleBearPad · 21/08/2023 08:13

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 07:58

Hmmm. I still think you're underestimating how much support your brother provides them - after all, if your parents didn't want to provide the childcare or take the dog - they would have said no, surely?

They clearly get something out of it - time with their grandchildren, company from the dog, and it means they see their adult son on a regular basis as an added bonus as well.

Hospital visits and meals are one tiny part of life - he's there for the everyday, maybe he feels as though you/your daughter should do some of it too?

Show quote history

Hmmm. I still think you're underestimating how much support your brother provides them - after all, if your parents didn't want to provide the childcare or take the dog - they would have said no, surely?

I think a lot of elderly people don’t say no to requests for childcare from their children because they want to feel helpful / love their children. It’s still a big imposition and so much shouldn’t be asked in the first place.

Original poster
Ihatemoquitoes · 21/08/2023 08:14

WhaleSharkBootySweat · 21/08/2023 08:07

I think they know that they'll need your DB and DSIL in their older years. I mean, are you planning to move back to look after them?

We are in the process of relocating and will be living nearby so we should definitely have more quality time together. My parents are thrilled about it.

The rest won’t change but as some previous posters have said, I need to ask my dad to have a look at his finances before writing the next cheque (the irony as he was a financial director!).

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 08:15

WhaleSharkBootySweat · 21/08/2023 08:07

I think they know that they'll need your DB and DSIL in their older years. I mean, are you planning to move back to look after them?

Well this is it, isn't it?

We live round the corner from my in-laws and they look after our dog for us while we work and from the outside it could look like we're taking advantage but we're also the ones they rely on to help them get to appointments, or to do their shopping in bad weather.

It's always DH who gets last-minute phone calls to help with various things, it's DH who goes over and does the jobs they can no longer manage etc.

It's all very well sitting there abroad and saying you helped pay for some meals once, but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

LittleBearPad · 21/08/2023 08:15

ChubbyMorticia · 21/08/2023 08:05

So, as I understand it, your parents enable your brother’s lifestyle to the point that it’s straining their finances. You’re enabling your parents by sending them money.

Perhaps you should start saying no, stop enabling, and start a chain reaction. If they need money, they can sell the second home, quit paying for your brother and his family.

Everyone in this situation is an adult. Nobody HAS to financially carry someone else, you’re all choosing it.

Agreed. Stop funding them. Their choice what they do with their money. If they can’t afford to sub DB they will need to tell him that.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 08:17

I think a lot of elderly people don’t say no to requests for childcare from their children because they want to feel helpful / love their children. It’s still a big imposition and so much shouldn’t be asked in the first place.

But that's still not the fault of the person asking - parents should be enforcing boundaries with their adult children.

WB205020 · 21/08/2023 08:17

I think there are 2 issues here. Possibly 3.
the main issue of them doing too much for your brother you don’t have much control over other than saying to your parents you are concerned and that their age and health is a driver for your concern.
The financial side is their business but again you could wrap it up as a concern about them etc.

The visiting with DB and family over is something you can and should address head on. Tell your parents you want quality time with them and explain you want a few days or a week or whatever with you and them. If they say they can’t then explain you may not be able to visit as you and the kids don’t feel that you get time to spend with them. The ball is in their court but I wouldn’t visit them unless you get a good amount of time alone with them.

rookiemere · 21/08/2023 08:18

@Ihatemoquitoes there's a bit of acceptance of the status quo in your response about writing the next cheque.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves has a good point- are they asking for the money or are you just giving it to them ?

It's lovely you are planning to head back and your DPs will be very fortunate to have two sets of DCs close to them, but all this will get old really quickly if you're living nearby.

The financials are they key to it and you need to decide if you're prepared to keep on subsiding DB indirectly. If you're not, there is really only one way to go about it.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 08:18

X-post about you moving back.

You may find things naturally change when you become more available to your parents.

LittleBearPad · 21/08/2023 08:20

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 08:17

I think a lot of elderly people don’t say no to requests for childcare from their children because they want to feel helpful / love their children. It’s still a big imposition and so much shouldn’t be asked in the first place.

But that's still not the fault of the person asking - parents should be enforcing boundaries with their adult children.

They aren’t going to, because they love their children and want to help them. It can still mean they wish they’d said no or could say no.

Your own DPs are your dog sitters. Are you certain they are completely happy to do this?

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2023 08:21

This is all your parents choice. If they wanted to say no to childcare, the dog (it’s their dog now, anyway, isn’t it?), hosting SIL when you’re there, use of their holiday home or any other ways in which they accommodate your brother and his family, then they could. They’re adults with free will.

But they don’t want to. You can’t say your dad feels bad about it/feels sad and that it’s your mum pushing the idea of no one changing anything and then also say it’s because your dad can’t accept your brother having a ‘lesser’ lifestyle. If your parents have a holiday home it’s pretty usual within a family for other people to use it too.

There’s also a decent chance your brother is planning for his family to be around when you’re around because he thinks it’s nice to see you! Why don’t you offer him
a home swap next time you’re home and then his free holiday can coincide with you getting your parents all to yourself?

Talk to your brother about your concerns about your parents health, by all means. But don’t tell your parents what to do with their money unless you have serious concerns about their mental capacity or that your brother is actively defrauding them (doesn’t sound like it). As other have said, you need to be aware that by living abroad you are in a difficult position to criticise how your parents treat the family who live closer to them.