Lack of quality « me time » with my parents. Who is BU?

[Ihatemoquitoes]

I need some perspective.

I’ve always had a great relationship with my parents who’ve always been loving and helpful when we needed it with the DCs.

However things have been deteriorating over the past few years as my DB has been taking a lot more space. He’s got a fairly good job, his wife works too, they own their house, but they have nowhere near the same situation as we do as both DH and I have very good careers, have been carefully with money, basically investing everything wisely, to the point we’ve been helping several family members (DB and DSIL included) buying a home. They also don’t have the same situation as our parents had, ie can’t afford a secondary home, expensive holidays, nice car etc My dad can’t stand the fact his son can’t have the same lifestyle as he had so they are now subsidising his lifestyle with holidays, childcare, pet care and many other things (such as house deposit but that doesn’t bother me as doesn’t impact me).

The consequences of that is that whenever I see my parents, they’re never on their own, there is always someone from my DB’s family spoiling the party and we don’t have quality time. It will be either my SIL who’s a nice person but there are lots of subjects we’re not allowed to talk about in front of her so conversations will be super bland (my dad despite being in his 80s is still very alert, on top of everything, politics, economy, latest trends etc but we can’t talk about any of that when my DB’s family are around).
Or it will be my DB’s dog being sick/eating our dinner (the dog is a covid puppy, and my DB had to give the dog to my parents when he realised dog care would be too expensive when going back to work 🙄).
Or my nieces and nephews having tantrums/seeking attention until midnight when we want to spend quality time among adults.

We see my parents much less than my DB as we live abroad and they can’t come and visit us as much as they used to due to their age so it saddens me deeply to no longer have quality « me time » with them as they won’t be there forever. It’s the same with my DCs, they love their grand parents but have been put off visiting them lately when they realised my DB’s family would be around.

What also worries me is that my parents are in their 80s and 70s and whilst still relatively fit and healthy, they’re ageing and my DB doesn’t see that. He will ask them to look after their 3 young DCs + 2 friends of my niece for one week in their holiday home. My parents always say yes but I could see they were exhausted after this week but will never say no to their son.
Likewise this week my dad came back exhausted from walking the dog (big active dog) and we had to tell him to stop doing it as he’s starting to have some cardiovascular problems.

This is starting to create real issues and tensions, with my mum in particular, as she can see we are annoyed whereas she thinks there is no issue and we should all live happily together. My dad is sad about this situation and more understanding but my mum will always win.

Basically I feel like my DB is asking too much from my ageing parents (who will never dare saying no to him) and should retreat sometimes to let me and my family have some quality time with my parents.

AIBU or not?

It really is , some people are simply CFs who can't see beyond their own needs.
I have to remind DH not to give my octogenarian frail DF the dog lead to hold when we go out, one strong pull and he would likely break a bone or end up in hospital.DH simply can't see it, and I suspect the DB is like that but on a grander scale. Or like my SIL who is fed up looking after her DGC two full days a week and has said to me it's too much - particularly with her DH being ill - but her DS and DDIL apparently can't see beyond their own wants as she is too timid to mention it.

As a result we’re now starting to have to support my parents financially too (paying for major houseworks, send them home help etc) so effectively indirectly funding my DB’s lifestyle.

You don't have to. Don't fall into the same trap as your parents.

Who said you have to censor conversation in front of SIL? And why?

He does have a choice, he just prefers to moan to you about it. He could say no, he could go elsewhere and let your mum entertain them by herself.

Your own DPs are your dog sitters. Are you certain they are completely happy to do this?

My in-laws asked to do it, we had alternative care lined up for the dog but they insisted on taking him - so yes, they are happy to do it.

They don't have to do anything for him - we walk him and provide everything he needs, he spends the day asleep on their sofa!

I missed the part where you're sending your parents money until I read through it again. Why on earth are you doing that?? You need to have a frank discussion and say why do they need money if they're spending it on your brother? This makes no sense!

That sounds lovely and like it works for all but genuinely it’s not always the case.

Who said you have to censor conversation in front of SIL? And why?

Id also like to understand this?

That sounds lovely and like it works for all but genuinely it’s not always the case.

Yep I understand that - but people need to learn to say no at the end of the day - even parents!

Other than talk to your parents and DB about the situation I am sure what else you can do. Your parents are choosing to financially etc support your DB and if they are doing that at the expense of their own well-being/financial stability…well that is also their choice. You can highlight your concerns but nothing will change unless they choose to change it.

what you can control is you not getting dragged in to the mix. Why are you funding things your parents can afford to fund but don’t because they are subsidising your DB? I’d be asking why are you not renting out the second home so you can pay for repairs on your main home? I wouldn’t be paying for the repairs so DB is still able to holiday whenever he wants at the second home.

At the start of the post you talked about all the support your parents have given you with DCs etc so that it does come across as jealousy that you resent your brother now for receiving similar support and taking the spotlight off of you.

I think you may be a bit oblivious to how the things you say/do come across hence the growing animosity from your parents. Example you have invited them on a nice holiday for quality time with you but the time you have booked is over Christmas so you are really putting them in a no win situation if they usually spend it with other family too.

The dog bit is the only thing I would agree on

Your parents funding your DB's life is one thing, and I wouldn't read too much into it from one persons version to be completely honest.

I think you sound jealous that your brother is there for your parents and you're not.
They know that he is the one who is close-by. So they look after the children? They're grandparents! That doesn't mean they're being used, they know that when they need care it'll be there for them.

You say you "arranged for meals to be delivered" whilst your DM was in hospital but in reality, you asked your daughter to cook and deliver them to your parents - so you didn't actually do anything, you just want the credit for "arranging" it.

He is probably less concerned about writing checks because he has you to sub him try saying no and he will have to say no to his son

Can you afford to offer to buy their holiday home?
This would give your parents the money to fund their own repairs & have some cash in the bank.
The holiday home stays in the family and you could still let them use it. You could invite them sometimes when you go so you get some quality relaxed time with them.
You could get rental income from it.
You could let your brother use it once or twice a year but he would have to fit in between paying customers.
You then have an investment instead of losing the money you are subsidising your parents (and indirectly your brother) with.

Oh she will be one of those super sensitive, easily offended types. Can’t stand them.
OP you’re getting a hard time. But MN hate well off peoples. They sound like bad parents to bratty children, selfish (not helping your mum) and clueless (over the dog).

Sorry but I wouldn't be doing that.

If DB knows that DPs have a lump sum he'll be at them like a dog who knows his owners have sausages. DM will expect you to continue the family tradition of DB treating the place like it's own and you'll have a holiday home to manage in addition to everything else.

Whereas if DPs can be shown that they need the regular income of the holiday home ( this may need you to stop writing cheques) it would be the handy monthly addition they need to their income. DB doesn't need to stop using it, he just needs to be give 2-3 weeks per year max so they can rent it out the other periods.