Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband ‘earned’ time alone

64 replies

Givemestrength93 · 20/08/2023 19:25

Please someone tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

DH took DC (ages 3 and 1.5) out for TWO hours this afternoon whilst I cooked tea etc. They get back, he’s totally flustered, dumps them on me and says he’s going upstairs for 20 minutes alone and for a long shower. He’s had a very stressful time and he’s ‘earned some alone time’.

Eldest has got a dirty nappy and having a meltdown because he’s starving hungry, youngest won’t let me put him down because he’s also hungry.

I say no, help me get them in fresh nappies and tea on the table/them sat at the table before you go upstairs. He thinks this is totally unreasonable. This upsets me because I have them on my own all week apart from the 3 mornings they’re at nursery. I also do all the nights too. I tell him this and that it makes me feel like I’m the default parent, and that he’s just ‘looking after them’ for me when he takes them out. Especially when he uses words like ‘earned’ the time alone.

This has not gone down well at all. From his point of view, He said I make him feel like he’s a failure because he needs a break and time on his own, and that he has a different experience of the DC than me. He said they react and behave differently for me than for him. He’s not talked to me since.

For context I also never stop him from going out when he wants to, I understand he needs more time along than I do.

Am I going crazy? Am I being an unreasonable bitch? I don’t know why he thinks it’s all roses when I take them out my own, I obviously also find it stressful and don’t have the option of having 20 minutes on my own afterwards.

OP posts:

coconutpie · 20/08/2023 19:28

YANBU.

RitzyMcFitzy · 20/08/2023 19:29

He needs to rest in his bed chamber after doing a spot of solo parenting for a whole two hours?

What a wuss.

Just demonstrates how easy he has it.

YANBU.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 20/08/2023 19:30

This could be the trigger for you to go away for a weekend, just once (to start with)

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 20/08/2023 19:31

Also, my 18 year old DD looks after children of this age all day by herself, including changing them and feeding them. Her most recent family had 18 month twins a 4 and a 6 year old. She still managed.

NEmama · 20/08/2023 19:31

He needs to do more solo outings to improve the relationship with them 💐

Paq · 20/08/2023 19:33

Fuck no YANBU. Sounds like he has to have them more often.

Comtesse · 20/08/2023 19:34

Oh dear. He is being a bit hopeless and then sulking. Hope he’s not always like this ….

Pumpkindoodles · 20/08/2023 19:34

I understand he needs more time along than I do.
does he though?
and it’s still your fault because he needs yet more time??

he is an embarrassment. 2 hours out, they’ve not been fed or changed And somehow he’s so exhausted he can’t do another minutes parenting. He’s having a laugh.

you’re totally right. You’re the default parent and he puts a shift in when he has to.

Newtt · 20/08/2023 19:35

He’ll start calling it ‘babysitting next!!

You need to make sure you get some time to do things for yourself too - go a regular gym class or something, so he spends time with his DC.

The guilting you rubbish, as you ‘make him feel bad’ is just manipulative and irritating.

I very strongly suggest you do something about it now. Your apparent feelings of confusion about ‘uibu’ will eventually turn to disdain or worse - that is definitely not good for a relationship!

Sorry, this sounds more snappy than I meant, but I do mean the sentiment…

Hummingbird89 · 20/08/2023 19:36

It is embarrassing that he struggles to cope for such a short period of time. What a nobhead.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/08/2023 19:37

he has a different experience of the DC than me. He said they react and behave differently for me than for him

Because he only takes them alone for a short period of time a week. He needs more time with them individually and together but without you there. Then it will get better.

RitzyMcFitzy · 20/08/2023 19:38

He said I make him feel like he’s a failure because he needs a break and time on his own, and that he has a different experience of the DC than me. He said they react and behave differently for me than for him. He’s not talked to me since.

Hardly surprising that they react and behave differently towards the parent who does 90% of the childcare. If this upsets him there's an obvious solution.

HaddawayAndShite · 20/08/2023 19:39

Well, my DH took ours to the park and then did a food shop this morning while I stayed in bed as I didn’t feel well. He then cut the grass and took over after nap time as I still felt a bit crap. He also finished cooking tea and is doing bed time. According to your husbands logic mine should get to opt out of parenting for the next week. In reality my husband a good husband and is a decent dad and yours is a selfish arsehole who basically is treating you like the hired help.

I doubt regular weekends away would change his view. Men like this don’t change, he has ingrained views of wife work and what men should be. Men like this don’t want to change because their lives are easy, they’re lazy and only have kids for their own ego.

Good Luck, you’ll need it.

Bibbitybobbitty · 20/08/2023 19:41

Obviously he needs more practice on his own, which will allow him to develop his relationship & parenting skills.

Notamushroomwearer · 20/08/2023 19:47

He said I make him feel like he’s a failure

So manipulative.
He's a useless man but it's your fault
I would be incandescent!

AdoraBell · 20/08/2023 19:50

I’d say he’s earned the next decade alone, and you can forget that he’s in his room.

Jl2014 · 20/08/2023 20:18

He is a failure. Useless twat.

InSpainTheRain · 20/08/2023 20:19

He said I make him feel like he’s a failure

So he hasn't looked after his own children much, and all the work has been left with you. And this means you make him feel like a failure? I'd be be pretty angry to be honest.

If you think you he has some good qualities and you want to keep your family together then you need to make sure he starts to pull his weight and do his fair share (he won't take the initiative I bet) - tell him he needs more practise and more time with his children and make sure he does that. Tell him it's really difficult for you too - you often feel exhausted and tired out. That's the reality of small kids and he needs to realise he should step up and parents his own kids.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2023 20:23

Well done @Givemestrength93

Call him out every time. He’s not happy because it’s the truth and it makes him look bad. Tough shit.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/08/2023 20:24

Did he think parenting was easy? Or that they're good as gold with you but become feral within his company?

I'd be pissed off too OP. He can have his 20 minutes when you're settled with them. Unless he wants you to be jugging nappies and his dinner at the same time. He might find the result unpleasant to eat.

Luxell934 · 20/08/2023 20:25

Clearly he needs to spend more quality time with the children alone, you should insist on this OP. He needs to build a better relationship with them (while you have your "earned" time alone).

Readingineading · 20/08/2023 20:26

Your DH is an arse, a lazy, useless arse.

Clymene · 20/08/2023 20:27

He clearly needs more practice. Get him to take them out every Saturday or Sunday morning while you have a lie in

MillWood85 · 20/08/2023 20:27

Leaving a child in a dirty nappy is unforgivable in my book - didn't he take a changing bag? Or didn't he attempt it as soon as he walked through the door?

The fact he passed the baby straight to you - he's taking the absolute piss.

Arrgghhdecisions · 20/08/2023 20:36

Jesus wept.
Your 'D'H is a dick.

He is a failure.
He's a poor parent
He's a poor partner

Maybe he needs to spend some actual time doing the graft of parenting, that way his own children might not push him to the verge of a meltdown.

What a knob. Sorry OP.
FWIW. YANBU, he is.

Flip

1 2 3