Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ‘earned’ time alone

64 replies

Givemestrength93 · 20/08/2023 19:25

Please someone tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

DH took DC (ages 3 and 1.5) out for TWO hours this afternoon whilst I cooked tea etc. They get back, he’s totally flustered, dumps them on me and says he’s going upstairs for 20 minutes alone and for a long shower. He’s had a very stressful time and he’s ‘earned some alone time’.

Eldest has got a dirty nappy and having a meltdown because he’s starving hungry, youngest won’t let me put him down because he’s also hungry.

I say no, help me get them in fresh nappies and tea on the table/them sat at the table before you go upstairs. He thinks this is totally unreasonable. This upsets me because I have them on my own all week apart from the 3 mornings they’re at nursery. I also do all the nights too. I tell him this and that it makes me feel like I’m the default parent, and that he’s just ‘looking after them’ for me when he takes them out. Especially when he uses words like ‘earned’ the time alone.

This has not gone down well at all. From his point of view, He said I make him feel like he’s a failure because he needs a break and time on his own, and that he has a different experience of the DC than me. He said they react and behave differently for me than for him. He’s not talked to me since.

For context I also never stop him from going out when he wants to, I understand he needs more time along than I do.

Am I going crazy? Am I being an unreasonable bitch? I don’t know why he thinks it’s all roses when I take them out my own, I obviously also find it stressful and don’t have the option of having 20 minutes on my own afterwards.

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 20/08/2023 20:46

Just ask him how he thinks you manage it without flouncing off with an attack of the vapours🤦‍♀️
Make sure you have the fainting couch by the door.😂😂😂

Shopper727 · 20/08/2023 20:50

Maybe if he did more with his own children taking them out wouldn’t be such an event where he brings them home upset, tired and hungry I mean 2 hours? Pathetic they behave differently because he lets you parent them. Earned alone time? Well how much time must you earn then? do you get that time? I couldn’t live with such a completely selfish being!!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 20/08/2023 20:51

Of course they react differently with him, that's what happens if you leave them in a dirty nappy and don't feed them.

Octonaut4Life · 20/08/2023 20:52

He might find they behave better for you because you don't leave them hungry and in dirty nappies!

Rainbowqueeen · 20/08/2023 21:12

Not now but when DC are in bed have a chat. Tell him that you don’t want him to feel like a failure and that everything gets easier with practice. Tell him you want to work out a plan of how you can change things to give him that additional practice so he gains more confidence. Then work out a plan. Any plan should be aimed at 50-50 care at the times you are both home. So all mornings and evenings during the week should be shared as well as weekends. He needs to be really involved in basic care as well as outings. That’s when bonding really happens.

ihadamarveloustime · 20/08/2023 21:21

He returned with them after a solo 2 hours, with both needing nappy changes and you trying to get food on the table and wanted to disappear and leave you to it?

He's an asshole. End of.

YANBU At All

Diymesss · 20/08/2023 21:37

Two hours is nothing! During the pandemic my kids were a similar age and I had them alone 9-5 five days a week, with everything shut including outside play areas for months on end, jeez he doesn’t know how easy he has it

Diymesss · 20/08/2023 21:39

Totally reasonable to ask him to help you get them clean and settled before he went up. He should be thinking of them too. Did he take them out without any food?

NoKnit · 20/08/2023 21:43

Why don't you take them out next time whilst he cooks the tea? See how he likes that one. Mine always goes for the taking them out option

manticlimactic0 · 20/08/2023 21:47

Hummingbird89 · 20/08/2023 19:36

It is embarrassing that he struggles to cope for such a short period of time. What a nobhead.

AND blames OP because he feels a failure 🙄

sweetpeaorchestra · 20/08/2023 21:48

Yup he needs more time with them regularly, that is rubbish. It reminds me of a poster on here saying “it is difficult to dip your toe in the cold water of tedious parenting” and I think the non default parent does find it really hard - as they’re not used to what it involves! My DH was like this. It’s not ok. Hope you can use it as a spring board to talk about him spending more time with them.

JudgeRudy · 20/08/2023 21:49

I think the reality is he probablyfeels like a failure. Don't judge or blame, speak with him when you're both relaxed and see how you can remedy this.
Oh and I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to postpone his 'de-esculation' time till they're clean and ready to eat.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 22:06

Yanbu at all. Well done for standing up for yourself tonight. How DARE he hand two kids with dirty nappies over to you as soon as he walks in the door so he can go and relax, the only excuse for doing that would be if he'd also sh** his own pants on the way home and needed to deal with that

Cowlover89 · 20/08/2023 22:30

YANBU

Original poster
Givemestrength93 · 21/08/2023 07:25

Sorry for being so late with replies! I appreciate this, thank you everyone.

Sometimes he makes me feel like I’m being awfully mean, or that I’m going mad when I call out any behaviour like this. He always acts like I’ve seriously hurt his feelings and that I’m being unreasonable. This makes me feel like I should apologise to him.

He does this 90% of the time when I’m not happy about something he’s doing/done. He plays the victim. Cannot take criticism at all. Is this manipulative?

We’ve been together 10 years and I think it’s so ingrained in my brain now that I question myself whenever I have to call him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemestrength93 · 21/08/2023 07:26

He’s also going away for a few days with work this week, I’m looking forward to it just being me and the kids in a lot of ways.

OP posts:
Knockmealdowns · 21/08/2023 07:36

Due to my husband’s job, and his very long hours I found myself managing alone with 2 under 2.. so I got help and paid for it.. if he can’t help and it’s all too much can he pay for someone to give you a break?

Paq · 21/08/2023 08:00

Tell him he's setting the foundations for an absolutely terrible relationship with his children in the future. They won't know him or want him if he can't do the basics when they are young.

Blinkingbonkers · 21/08/2023 08:14

Yanbu. Have had a similar experience with my dh (though he’d deny it obvs!!). It’s worse now - as they’re teenagers & therefore ‘more reasonable’ he has decided to partake in the parenting….but basically just blows situations sky high and then I have to put everything back together (whilst receiving the silent treatment from him for ‘interfering’). I don’t know what to advise as it’s not something I was able to fix. But have some solidarity.

Thelonelygiraffe · 21/08/2023 08:16

Oh dear. He sounds totally incapable. He needs to look after his own dc more do he can do it better!

billy1966 · 21/08/2023 08:18

That's some loser you have had children with.

Are you really happy with this relationship?

He sounds like a really selfish manipulative loser.

Blames you for everything and plays victim....sounds like a bit of a bully too.

Have you family around you to support you?

Naunet · 21/08/2023 08:23

JudgeRudy · 20/08/2023 21:49

I think the reality is he probablyfeels like a failure. Don't judge or blame, speak with him when you're both relaxed and see how you can remedy this.
Oh and I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to postpone his 'de-esculation' time till they're clean and ready to eat.

Well he IS a failure if he can’t manage his kids for more than 2 hours on his own and thinks he gets to dump them in OP in that state when he’s had enough even though she was cooking. That’s not a parent, Jesus, it’s barely a babysitter - they don’t rush home for a nap after two hours work.

midlifecrash · 21/08/2023 08:23

He’s their father, the Co-parent. He should be focusing on what his children need when he’s with them, not how soon he can hand them off, like he’s the next door neighbour doing you a favour

Greenwitchhorse · 21/08/2023 08:32

The question for me is almost always: why did you have two children with this man?

He sounds useless and he probably was since the beginning...

LookItsMeAgain · 21/08/2023 08:33

Time to up the time he has to be Solo Daddy from 2 hrs to say 4 hrs and then up to 6 hrs and before you know it, you have a day to yourself (which you have most definitely 'earned', just has he has.

Did you ask him when he returned from his 'earned' time when your 'earned quiet time without him or the kids is?