Husband ‘earned’ time alone

[Givemestrength93]

Please someone tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

DH took DC (ages 3 and 1.5) out for TWO hours this afternoon whilst I cooked tea etc. They get back, he’s totally flustered, dumps them on me and says he’s going upstairs for 20 minutes alone and for a long shower. He’s had a very stressful time and he’s ‘earned some alone time’.

Eldest has got a dirty nappy and having a meltdown because he’s starving hungry, youngest won’t let me put him down because he’s also hungry.

I say no, help me get them in fresh nappies and tea on the table/them sat at the table before you go upstairs. He thinks this is totally unreasonable. This upsets me because I have them on my own all week apart from the 3 mornings they’re at nursery. I also do all the nights too. I tell him this and that it makes me feel like I’m the default parent, and that he’s just ‘looking after them’ for me when he takes them out. Especially when he uses words like ‘earned’ the time alone.

This has not gone down well at all. From his point of view, He said I make him feel like he’s a failure because he needs a break and time on his own, and that he has a different experience of the DC than me. He said they react and behave differently for me than for him. He’s not talked to me since.

For context I also never stop him from going out when he wants to, I understand he needs more time along than I do.

Am I going crazy? Am I being an unreasonable bitch? I don’t know why he thinks it’s all roses when I take them out my own, I obviously also find it stressful and don’t have the option of having 20 minutes on my own afterwards.

A million percent this!

I think you need a weekend away to yourself OP. Leave him to it. Phone on airplane mode.

The fact that you're actually looking forward to when he goes away with his work because it will just be you and the kids speaks volumes.

What I would do is wait until he returns all refreshed from his time away with work and then say to him "We need to have a conversation". He can decide what the outcome of that conversation will be. The decision is that you're not going to put up with his behaviour any more. He steps up to the plate of being a father with a wife on hand or you'll go it alone but then he has no wife to share the load with and he'll be having the children as per court ordered times and it will just be him and the kids. What is it to be? If it decides that he's going to do more, then you must hand over the kids to him whatever and let him sort it out.
If they get dressed in mismatched clothes, so be it.
If they go out without coats/whatever, so be it. He is the adult in charge. He'll probably only do it the one time and he'll learn. He will have to.

He is a loser parent. This is the wake up call.

Time to start regular daddy time every week.
2hs going to 3 to 4 to 6 to days out every so often.
Reminder Him: you need water snack sunscreen etc then eventually as he learns the kids routines withdraw prompts.
the ruke is kids are returned as they left. Ie Nappy changed and fed.

Its good for you and good for him. Swap and do solo parenting too (similar conditions for him though ie. You were tidying he needs to hang some laundry)

Work up to be able to have a night out each its a healthier dynamic.

When he comes home from his few days away - as soon as he walks in the door, say ‘right, I’ve earnt my time away now, I’m going for a coffee (insert whatever!) - see you in a couple of hours. Do not give him any choice or any chance for debate.
When you arrive back home, he will hopefully be cross and then you can say that it is no different to what he did to you, but he’d only had them for 2 hours.
Sometimes, our partners need to be shocked into realising what they are doing.

Sounds like he needs to do more with them to get them used to him and him used to what is involved. He found 2 hours too long so for the next week when he is at home he should look after them alone for 1.5 hours. Keep increasing it by 10 minutes each week until either he's used to doing the bare bloody minimum for his own children or you realise he's a twat and divorce him, whichever comes first.

So when I had DC that sort of age, I definitely got more stressed and overwhelmed by them than my DH did. He minded much less about the noise and the chaos and worried much less about upsetting and irritating other people when he took them out. So I would say that he gave me more alone time than he had. BUT I was aware, grateful, appreciative,
made sure that he also got to do the things that he wanted and never once said I had “earned” alone time. It was more that as part of a partnership different people have different needs at different times. In my case, DH found his job more stressful than I did mine, so when the DC were little he reduced his hours and I upped my responsibilities and pay. It strikes me that the issue for you is not how your DH deals with the kids but more how he treats you.

Not only is he a total joke of a ‘father’ and husband, he’s a manipulative twat, too.

i don’t see the problem but you both need to do it
if there’s 2 parents and you can’t carve out a few hours to each to yourself a week then there something wrong or your being a martyr

The fact that you're actually looking forward to when he goes away with his work because it will just be you and the kids speaks volumes.

This

Wow the guy wants a break after having them by himself and he is a twat?

The nappy thing is bad, but perhaps there is more context around it. Guarantee if a man was in here saying this there would a very different reaction

Tell him to grow up

This makes me think teenage boys should do a compulsory stint as a nanny, like national service. It would stop them from ever pretending to think being a sahm parent is an easy ride !

You're so right! It should absolutely be a thing!