Has anyone had a baby via surrogacy?

[highsexdriveonhol]

Posting for traffic as no one replied to the surrogacy area (fully aware probably the worst place to post but need answers!)

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

This isn’t slavery and that’s insulting to families with historic connections to slavery.

No child actually chooses to be created.

I also saw her being asked “what if the pregnancy was twins?” And she responded saying she’d basically be thrilled as it is gods will. The interviewer clarified they meant in regards to the woman carrying the pregnancy, what if they felt it was too risky. And she replied that surely the surrogate mother had to follow their wishes. She clearly hadn’t spent a second thinking about the toll this would take on this womans body and seems to have conveniently forgotten that she would would still have the rights to her own body

People pay for IVF under contracts, they also get a life out of it, want to ban that too?

People sign legal documents (aka contracts) to foster children and are paid to do so. Is that also 'human trafficking' and 'akin to slavery'? What else should we do with kids in the system that makes it ethical for you?

Adoption and surrogacy are not comparable
Yeah, we'll have to disagree on that one.

Insisting utilities having to be paid for is in any way akin to having babies freely on sale is such a moronic point of view it's pretty pointless trying to argue with you.

These children are manufactured to be exchanged. They are sold. A rationale was set out that surrogacy is fine within the rationale of capitalism. I'm just asking how you think that rationale is different when you look at slavery?

So, a newborn is surrogacy with a soft focus light but what about selling a one year old? How does that grab you?

Would it be considered morally abhorrent from the outset or would evidence of harm have to be collected to make that judgement?

Adoption and surrogacy are not comparable

Yeah, we'll have to disagree on that one.

That’s absurd. Surrogacy is creating a baby that is very much wanted and loved and well cared for. It’s not remotely the same as the usually traumatic and unplanned circumstances that lead to adoption.

Even if you put ethics aside, OP, there's quite a lot of practicalities to consider.

If the birth mother changed her mind - late in the pregnancy or the - and didn't want to give the child up. I'm fairly sure that in the UK, they couldn't be forced to (well, I certainly hope not, I'm not a lawyer). Do you have any idea how you'd be able to handle a situation like that? Especially if it was your sister/ best mate doing it for you.

If you found out during the pregnancy that the baby was likely to be born severely disabled, needing lifelong care and complex treatment - you would not (in the UK) have any control over the situation here. Many women would choose to have a termination (obviously, I don't know your beliefs on the subject) but there's no guarantee that the surrogate mother would agree with you.

Do you plan on maintaining a relationship with the birth mother afterwards. Obviously, you'd have to if they were a relative or close friend, and some people remain closely acquainted with the birth mother even if they have no relationship prior to the surrogacy. There's a plethora of reasons why this relationship could be very complicated. If she regrets giving up the baby, for one. Or if she's been left permanently injured by the birth and is resentful of it.

There is also the possibility that the surrogate mother dies giving birth. It's unlikely, obviously, but it's possible. I'm sure you recognise that it would be devastating for her loved ones and a tragedy all around, but would you be prepared to live with the possibility of that? Would you be able to explain it to your grown up child when they ask about their birth mother, and be prepared for the fallout from that?

You can probably tell what my stance on surrogacy is, but even if you're uninterested in that, there are a lot of possible eventualities you'd have to consider.

YABU

From the child's perspective there's zero difference. Ethically, only one of those children was deliberate commissioned. Treated as a commodity from conception.

Not the same at all.

The cause of some adoption trauma is toxic stress. Present in so many cases where children are subsequently adopted and often caused my stress pre birth and in the formative days/weeks etc. the damage can be done pre birth.

In my 25 year teaching career and with the roles I’ve described above, I have also worked with a number of children who have been adopted or in care (my guess would be around 25). My estimate would be that more than 20 (in fact, of the children I am can only think of three that didn’t appear to have additional needs (including some pretty major SEMH issues)..

No doubt, someone will be along to tell me I’m wrong/ lying etc in a moment but those are my observations.

Adoption and surrogacy are not comparable

No, they aren't.

One is about trying to find what is best for a child that already exists - putting them at the centre of all decision making, centering them at every point.

The other is all about an adults wants and desires at any cost.

Exactly, at what age does it stop being ok to sell children?

You don’t seem to grasp that you perhaps wouldn’t know about the children who didn’t have any problems in school .

Its not that you are lying, it’s that you don’t understand the limitations of your own knowledge and experience.

You also don’t understand ( or are wilfully ignorant ) about early trauma and the complexities of adoption. And why some of these also apply to children who are born of surrogacy.

Adoption is not a good thing, it’s a last resort for children whose birth families are unable to care safely for them. Its better than living all your childhood in care.

Adoption is about meeting the needs of a child who is already here.

Surrogacy is about meeting the wants of adults who have the money to buy a child and don’t care how much it damages either the child itself or its birth mother.

No , adoption and surrogacy are not the same, but not for the reasons you state.

Adopted children know that their birth parents wanted to keep them but couldn’t ( in almost all cases in the Uk ) .

Surrogate children know their birth mother sold them and their legal parents bought them.

Trying to argue that “ adoption is bad but surrogacy is good “ shows that you don’t understand very much about this complex area. It also shows whose needs you think should be prioritised. Children v adults, rich couples v poor women .

I have thought it interesting re: thought process & requirements around egg donor if req: High IQ, beautiful/handsome, sporty etc.

Surrogate, clean living vessel.

OP I'm so sorry for your losses.

The discourse around surrogacy on Mumsnet doesn't reflect most people in the real worlds opinions or experiences.

I suggest you see if you can find people in real life to talk to to get a more balanced view. Or look for accounts online from people who have actually gone through it.

Really good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Surrogate, clean living vessel

Clean, living vessel? Is that what we are calling pregnant mothers now? Fucking hell.

Stop trafficking babies. It's the real life Handmaid's Tale and I don't understand how it's legal.

Most babies are created because of the parents’ need for a baby, and no baby consents to be created.
This is getting a bit ridiculous.

OP good luck for whatever your future brings.

Yeah, it's totally academic that these babies are bought and sold under property law.

No. It feels ‘off’ (understatement) to make such a distinction between an alpha egg donor & a surrogate where smarts & looks are not important or at least, relevant in terms of goal.

it is more common in USA, amongst celebs & those with ££ than you might suspect. I also suspect some are not straightforward or entirely honest about it either.

@highsexdriveonhol I’m so sorry for your losses. Although there is a lot to think about with surrogacy and its “cons” as such you are not going to get much from AIBU section on mumsnet. I would suggest reaching out somewhere else and speaking to people with experiences of surrogacy. Remember that you are not going to meet any one off of mumsnet in real life and you need to do what’s best for you. You only get one life. I do agree with some comments about surrogacy, it can be awful and go horribly wrong but it can also be a beautiful thing.

A lot of the comments about surrogacy is for the adults gain, isn’t that the same without surrogacy? Me and my DH wanted a baby, the baby had no say in being conceived. My DH knew the risks of me dying during pregnancy or childbirth, especially as I wanted an elective c section. Does that make him an awful person for knowing the risks but still choosing to get me pregnant? If all parties involved are happy to do so, then I can’t see issues. Obviously there are situations where this isn’t the case, so you need to do your research and pick the person you know is doing it because they want too not just because they need the money

I'd love to know if people have the same views about IVF?

IVF doesn't put another woman's life at risk.