Has anyone had a baby via surrogacy?

[highsexdriveonhol]

Posting for traffic as no one replied to the surrogacy area (fully aware probably the worst place to post but need answers!)

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

Really? I'd love to see the thread where this was discussed and everyone thought it was fine! Do you have a link?

It's a bit of one of these arguments isn't it?

And there seems to be many other posters who are very much in favour of exploitation of women's bodies and infants for their own needs.

And it’s not even needs. Nobody needs to have a child. Hugely desiring isn’t needing. More importantly, nobody has the right to have a child, much less by exploiting a woman.

Who said women have a right to have children? I never said that and neither did anyone on this thread.

Suppose we should stop any kind of MHS fertility treatments too as it's such a pro elder to be a parent - wonder how many of you used that??

MHS? Please clarify?

@Helleofabore NHS it was supposed to say.

Some of the comments on this thread are really horrid and clearly from no one who has suffered infertility.

The ignorance is astounding that someone can be condemned for wanting to know aboit actual EXPERIENCES instead of ETHICS - people jump to conclusions and say it's because I'm ignoring the ethics which is absolutely ridiculous. The ethics is actually why I'm probably NOT doing it. That doesn't mean I don't want to know all angles before closing the door - wouldn't that be the right thing to do find out all facts before being so ignorant to shut the door on it?

Even more pathetic is that I don't actually think I am doing surrogacy but still want to know first hand how people who have done it got on.

It's also not 'buying a child' when it's your own partners sperm and you're egg. Someone is carrying your child - NOT the same thing.

Anyway this is my last post of the thread because I honestly think some of you are nasty horrid people that I hope experience secondary infertility one day or have a loved one who is infertile then see how you treat them.

Goodbye.

Ah. I see. Surrogacy has little to do with someone’s fertility treatments. However, if you start listening to children of donor and IVF and surrogacy as adults, you find the same thread of mental health issues that run through their stories. That they feel they were deliberately created to fulfill someone’s need. That this was a transaction to satisfy an adult’s need. Particularly with donor and surrogacy where another person’s body was exploited, in the case of eggs and carrying a child, exploited at high risk to that woman

You can leverage emotional manipulation all you wish, but any choice where a person puts a woman’s life at risk of harm is most definitely exploiting another women’s body. This can be voluntary or coercive and even in voluntary situations, there may well be coercion involved.

Being an infertile person is never an excuse to exploit another woman’s body. Ever. No matter how much you wish to dismiss that is what you are doing. The ‘ignorance’ is trying however you tried to stop people discussing the ethics.

“The ignorance is astounding that someone can be condemned for wanting to know aboit actual EXPERIENCES instead of ETHICS - people jump to conclusions and say it's because I'm ignoring the ethics which is absolutely ridiculous. The ethics is actually why I'm probably NOT doing it. That doesn't mean I don't want to know all angles before closing the door - wouldn't that be the right thing to do find out all facts before being so ignorant to shut the door on it?”

However you wish to position it, I saw some of your responses, this paragraph doesn’t seem to fit. And no, sorry. Attempting to limit a thread to not discuss the ethics doesn’t show at all that you were even aware of the ethics or wiling to try to understand them. Not allowing the discussion of ethics along with the positive and negative stories would be the ignorant approach.

If you did indeed understand the ethical implications of surrogacy, I doubt you would have posted the thread. You wouldn’t have posted this:

“It's also not 'buying a child' when it's your own partners sperm and you're egg. Someone is carrying your child - NOT the same thing.”

Because how the fuck do you ever justify risking another woman’s life for you to have child? And yes, you most definitely have no concept of ethics with that quote alone.

Maybe for some reason you think that not paying a woman much or anything means it is ok, somehow? Because it is not ‘buying’ anything ? That unless a specific sum has changed hands you are not ‘commissioning’ a woman to risk her life, her children’s lives if she has them, shorten her life or limit her life by her ‘choosing’ to carry a child for your specific needs? Not her needs. Your needs. (Apparently just like accepting a lift in a car, wasn’t it said?)

Surrogacy has little to do with someone’s fertility treatments.

Sorry. Some people’s fertility treatments.

In other words, many people do not put another woman’s life at risk with either donor eggs or surrogacy. Making this statement is a false equivalency.

Realise I’m late contributing to this discussion, but I was part of this documentary.

(Although I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for information seeking purposes!)

Surrogacy was a largely positive experience for me. I’m happy to answer any questions you have OP.

Some of the comments on this thread are really horrid

Absolutely agree @sociallyanxiouspartone . I mean look at this comment:

I honestly think some of you are nasty horrid people that I hope experience secondary infertility one day or have a loved one who is infertile then see how you treat them.

What sort of dreadful person would say that to strangers on the internet?! Absolutely horrid. Some people are awful aren't they?

Absolutely. Well said @NuffSaidSam.

@sociallyanxiouspartone it's one thing disagreeing passionately about the very real ethical considerations surrounding surrogacy - it's quite another to wish infertility on people and their families because they're not willing to turn a blind eye to the issues. Absolutely vile.

There are many brave, wonderful, selfless women on this thread who have endured the heartbreak of infertility - but have been absolutely clear that they would never put another woman's life at risk nor inflict trauma on the baby by considering surrogacy.

You talk about "nasty horrid people". I'll tell you what I think is nasty and horrid - allowing another woman to put themselves at risk of serious harm or even death. Putting a newborn baby through the trauma of separation. I'd even go as far as saying that's abhorrent.

That one was a particularly low blow imo

@sociallyanxiouspartone what a horrible, horrible thing to say.

Actually, I for one have my own struggles with infertility and baby loss. Your comment is needlessly cruel. Thanks for that.

My desire to have my DC (which has taken 7 years, a lot of heartache and a funeral) did not give me the right to exploit another woman or commission a child like a piece of artwork for my house without any consideration of the consequences for that child. It did not remove from me the basic human qualities of empathy and respect for others.

I'm torn between reporting your post and requesting its removal, or wanting it to stay so that it can stand as a reminder to you and others of who you truly are.

I thought it highlighted the lack of consistency in thought that the OP’s other posts indicated. I understand that your thoughts can become disconnected when you struggle with the ethical consequences of what you want sometimes. But the need to completely detach this discussion from the ethical considerations always seemed to be about trying to ignore those ethical considerations.

And how many posters on this thread supported a discussion that ignored the ethical considerations? That was concerning to see. Who the fuck thinks you can or should have a thread that completely ignores ethics of a deeply exploitative action discussing only the ‘stories’ ? For instance, is it acceptable to have a thread only discussing the good and bad stories of using modern slavery?

Yet how many posters scolded others for pointing out that a thread on surrogacy should always point out the ethical discussion?

Nah. I think it is a dishonest claim to make that this was just about finding additional information from real stories. It seemed more like wanting to find stories that would allow someone to overcome the slightly uncomfortable feeling niggling in the back of someone’s mind but finding out instead just how unethical the action they are wanting to consider really is outside an echo chamber where the ramifications ethics are not bluntly discussed.

There is no denying the painfulness of the situation. It can be excruciatingly so. As a pp has said, people on this thread have experienced it and will know very much what the OP was feeling. And they were still here telling OP that it is absolutely ‘buying a baby’. It is a transaction whatever money or compensation (could be emotional) is exchanged. Surrogacy is a transaction however someone wants to try to change the language around it.

@user1471598758

Were you a surrogate mother or a commissioning parent?

Admittedly i read this before watching the series so may have been biased, but after watching I thought a lot about Emma and Caitlin. I thought Emma was especially vulnerable as an unemployed, lonely, single mum in a tiny flat with suicidal thoughts and these two men seem to 'rescue' her.

stopsurrogacynowuk.org/2021/05/31/surrogacy-in-the-media-a-review-of-bbc-threes-the-surrogates-long-read/

And to Scirocco.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The World At One had a pro-surrogacy piece on yesterday. They are doing something on donor conceived children today.

The commissioning father began with how he put a baby on his vision board, he also said they chose egg from a woman from America they thought was beautiful (and had an arty background like them) and he was very confident the laws on surrogacy in the UK would be changing soon.

There was a Freudian slip when he said he didn't think the egg donor would or should be a part of their family, he actually said the surrogate mother.

There was also a mention of another child, I hope that wasn't the first time the surrogate mother had heard of it. She didn't contribute that much, but she did say she didn't consider the child a part of her, she just grew him in her stomach. Only a small slip but if babies were grown in stomachs and not wombs men could do it too and there wouldn't be surrogacy!

Sadly the presenter wasn't very clued up on the law reform proposals and I thought it lightweight in terms of exploring the exploitative factors. The American egg donor considerations with the brochures you can pick from wasn't probed further at all.

Poor from the BBC but here it is.

From 37 mins in.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001pt9v?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Thank you, @Helleofabore and @OhHolyJesus

Thank you for posting this link ohholy

I just read Caitlin’s story and it really showed the issues clearly. Caitlin seemed to have the emotional need to feel good about herself tangled up in there. And lost her relationship. A single mother choosing to do this, what the fuck would happen to her children if anything went wrong?

I can understand if you are desperate for money to feed your children, but I wonder if people simply dismiss the risks around carrying a child that is not biologically connected to you and the elevated risks associated with it.

but I wonder if people simply dismiss the risks around carrying a child that is not biologically connected to you and the elevated risks associated with it.

Exactly Hellabore

Emma recognised the risks at least and did say at one point "what if I died". (She had her mother but her son's father didn't appear to be involved.) so the thought crossed her mind but the risks and the situation were compared to the baby being the client and the risks being a bit like how you might have risks in your job as a fire fighter or police officer, and to be fair, we have seen similar on surrogacy threads before.

Both Caitlin and Emma were especially vulnerable and I thought it was really sad when Caitlin's boyfriend broke up with her but I do get his point of view. Kate's reaction was understandably one of worry but it was for the baby, not Caitlin, although combined it was about the baby being affected from the stress and Caitlin had herself and two kids to explain the sudden absence to.

It was a fascinating documentary and I recommend it to anyone - it's on iPlayer.

I have personal experiences of this but @highsexdriveonhol didn’t seem to want to know about them. I wonder why ?

I have sent you a DM @C0NNIE

I think the narcissism of surrogacy was very much laid bare in that comment.

It is all me, me, me without consideration for the implications for others. The only thing that matters is the infertility/inability of commissioning parents to conceive on their own.

Therefore the rest of the world must bend to allow this and ethics be damned.

How very dare the mean people point out that it's buying a baby.

If you can't deal with the fact it's baby buying and you need to sanitise the language or shut down conversations about ethics because you get upset about them, maybe surrogacy isn't as nice and fluffy as people want to pretend it is.

I was a surrogate.

It’s interesting reading people’s interpretations of our situation though. I do sometimes wonder if the documentary did more harm than good.

At the end of the day, it’s an entertainment program, which shows around 40 minutes of our lives after hundreds of hours of filming. I can’t speak for all the surrogates on there, but for me I feel there are inaccuracies in how our story comes across.

I don’t regret carrying the baby, and I’m involved in their life now as a kind of distant auntie figure, but I probably wouldn’t allow the filming if I could go back in time.