Has anyone had a baby via surrogacy?

[highsexdriveonhol]

Posting for traffic as no one replied to the surrogacy area (fully aware probably the worst place to post but need answers!)

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

I'd never heard such views on surrogacy before joining MN, thankfully in real life people are a little more measured on the subject.

Some of the stuff on here is just utter BS anyway, a baby only being settled by its bio mother straight after its born, total BS.

I'm sorry for some of the stuff you have to read on here. A lot of these women wouldn't have a clue how infertility can effect you and when your only option is surrogacy it must be even tougher. I hope you come to a decision that you can make peace with

That's BS. You can't do IVF private or NHS if you're 'morbidly obese'.

Na. They are just more polite and less willing to say what they really think.

Of course there is a difference! Most adopted children have been born into some sort of trauma and may have experienced early abuse. Even if they haven't there can be a feeling of being rejected by a parent or not good enough or they weren't loved.

For those saying a baby taken from its birth mother will be traumatised as that's all they know, what about babies who spend weeks or months in NICU? Are they traumatised too? Genuine question, what's the difference?

Why do people talk about "buying" a baby? Do people genuinely think that a sum of money is handed over in exchange for a child?

All that's paid are expenses. So the surrogate writes down everything that will cost them money during the course of the pregnancy. Pregnancy vitamins, the cost of maternity clothes, the cost of travel to appointments, if they will need any massage therapy/physio etc due to any, for example, back problems during pregnancy. The pregnant woman may need a cleaner during the last couple of months of the pregnancy if they're anything like me and it hurt to stand for more than 5 minutes. Then post birth, if the surrogate only gets SMP, the intended parents could, by agreement, top up the difference between SMP and the surrogates usual wage, for a certain length of time, maybe a 6 month period or so.

All of these costings need to be documented and they get scrutinised by a family court. The surrogate would only be paid "reasonable expenses", ie things such as the aforementioned expenses which they have spent money on. No one makes a profit out of it. So this "buying a baby" nonsense is factually incorrect.

I've only ever heard people speak about surrogacy in a positive manner, if they felt a certain way about it why would they feel the need to hide it? It's not like I've ever expressed any interest in surrogacy.

I actually don't agree with surrogacy unless it's altruistic for several reasons but some of the rubbish I've read on here to try and deter the OP is just a farce, some of these stories and statistics the posters have just pulled from their own arses.

And on top of what you've mentioned, an adopted baby may also have been subject to drug or alcohol use in utero, the mother may have been living under severe stress from domestic abuse, homelessness etc.

I do think surrogacy outcomes are different from adoption outcomes. I don't think that the evidence to show that people who are adopted can have life long trauma can also be used to describe children who have come into the world through surrogacy. Too many completely different factors at play.

You do however choose whether to be an unhelpful and arrogant...poster.

Regardless of your views on surrogacy, this simply isn’t true. My very good friend used a surrogate and the money that changed hands was far more than just expenses. The surrogate claimed for things like spa weekends, her food shopping etc etc. The surrogate very definitely made a profit and used it to take her own family on holiday. I believe it came to over £25k. This is all standard and not an extreme case.

All that's paid are expenses.

Oh you sweet summer child. How naive.

So all those pregnant women in Ukraine were just doing it to cover expenses? Ethical considerations don’t stop at the Channel.

That's BS. You can't do IVF private or NHS if you're 'morbidly obese'.

The poster never said anything about IVF. This could be traditional surrogacy.

some of these stories and statistics the posters have just pulled from their own arses.

Mine are from official sources.

"MBRRACE-UK is national collaborative programme of work involving the surveillance and investigation of maternal deaths."

www.npeu.ox.ac.uk/mbrrace-uk

See the resources thread posted upthread for national and international stories of real life experiences as originally requested by the OP.

Undermining or dismissing these demonstrates a wilful ignorance and an inability to absorb information and examples that don't meet with your views.

I don't agree with surrogacy but I've read many a story about how lovely it is, for all involved, including posts here. I don't simply dismiss them as being pulled from peoples arses.

All of these costings need to be documented and they get scrutinised by a family court. The surrogate would only be paid "reasonable expenses", ie things such as the aforementioned expenses which they have spent money on. No one makes a profit out of it. So this "buying a baby" nonsense is factually incorrect.

So these expenses are scrutinised by a family court, what happens if what has been paid is not considered 'reasonable', does the surrogate mother pay it back via the court?

If the baby isn't handed over does the surrogate mother pay the money back for the expenses or does she have to hand the baby over as she provided a service in exchange for 'expenses'?

If the expenses are for pregnancy expenses is this the service the commissioning parents are paying for and the 'end product' - the baby - just happens to be there, is the baby not the end goal?

What happens if the baby isn't born perfect or tragically is stillborn, does the surrogate mother pay back the expenses money as she only provided half of the service and didn't meet the agreement?

And does the family court have access to all bank accounts in the name of the surrogate and the purchaser and their families to ensure no additional money has changed hands?
If I wanted to give a large sum of money to someone without anyone finding out there are plenty of ways to do that

Would it be okay for a woman already pregnant to sell her baby to an unrelated couple?

No.

Buying and selling human beings, of any age and for any purpose, is not acceptable.

What do you think though? Do you think a trade in human beings is ok?

'Expenses' is that like when someone is self employed and works from home and puts just about every household purchase and their gas/electric etc they have through their expenses, so they get a 'tax break'?

School shoes? Yeah it's providing equipment for new trainees.
Alcohol? Yep that's an entertaining of clients expense.
Condoms? Hmmm... Well I'm sure I can think of a justification there too just give me five minutes

The one woman I've followed on Instagram certainly claims for "loss of earnings" ie she does the surrogacy in place of her usual paid work. On the BBC documentary from a few years ago (which was incredibly uncritical of a financially unstable, young woman "using her own egg" ie selling her own actual baby) I'm sure that the intended parents found her a nicer flat and paid for a year's rent.

I suspect though dragonwindow these are inconvenient truths.

"Are you absolutely sure you've looked into the ethics of surrogacy?"

There is no way that OP has 'looked into the ethics of surrogacy'. If they did they would have so many questions that this thread would be about discussing just that, the ethics.

It seems very clear by now that the OP seems to be seeking permission by the chance of positive stories to do something that they cannot acknowledge is ethically wrong. And there seems to be many other posters who are very much in favour of exploitation of women's bodies and infants for their own needs.

This.

@highsexdriveonhol

Here is "an experience"

My mum "offered" to be a surrogate for her sister (who had multiple phantom pregnancies and was desperate for a child).
My mother is a nice compliant person (who was bullied horribly by siblings as a child and put up with untold shit from a range of family members over the years and was basically talked into it.

She went through artificial insemination (so it would have been a half sibling and her child)
It didnt work. She clearly said something at that point as she didnt continue with it and there was some fallout.

She told me about this only when i was in my 30s and pregnant with my own child. She broke down crying and couldnt really talk or explain it properly. She then excused herself and was physically sick.
It was frankly harrowing to witness. She is completely damaged and never even got to the point of a pregnancy let alone live birth
I have NEVER seen her like that before or since and the experience has left her with trauma 30+ years later

Pregnancy is a huge ask.
It isnt like "hopping in a car" and the fact you even want to explore it tells me you had never carried a child to term.

Chilbirth is a risky business with a huge amount of unknowns. It is morally and ethical wrong to use human bodies as commodities to be bought sold and rented (be it prostitution, organ transplants or surrogacy). It traffics or weak and vulnerable be it financially or emotionally.

You dont see emotionally stable / resilient people or billionaires wandering around offering to be surrogates... there is a reason for that

why is hoppinggreen unhelpful and arrogant? Because hopping disagrees with you and the OP? Because hopping points out that surrogacy is creating a human while exploiting at least one woman to do so is immoral, and that the OP is refusing to consider the ethical implications because it might mean that they feel that they close off an avenue to gain the desired child?

or are you talking about the arrogance displayed by the OP and I have misinterpreted your post?

Unfortunately that is effectively what happens in a lot of the world through commercial adoption, in America you can claim “expenses” from someone you have decided to adopt your unborn baby to, and then be forced to pay them back if you decide not to adopt, but no one seems to bat an eyelid at that on here. https://time.com/6051811/private-adoption-america/

Maybe because this is the UK and it's not legal here, and so it's not on the radar as an option... fwiw it's abhorrent too.