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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH being ADHD. Im being unreasonable aren't I?

63 replies

LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 16:43

...and I need the vipers to perhaps help me see this.

So basically our DD, 13 has quite severe ADHD. We have had really serious and dangerous issues with her over the years but she is now been diagnosed and medicated through CAMHS for about a year and doing really really well.

I often wonder read the ADHD type threads on here with kids waiting to be assessed and parents at the end of their tethers.
One poster suggested a book called
"How not to murder your ADHD child"

I ordered it and really liked it. I asked DH to read it so he could be a bit more sympathetic to DD.

To preface the following, I've been with DH for nearly 25 years, he works hard, he has a good head on his shoulders, he's an excellent husband and father.
I work hard, etc etc
He did ok at school, he was a punk and not in with the "in crowd" but got his GSCE's and eventually a degree.

I suffered horrifically at school, got badly bullied, did very poorly in my GCSE's and was a very "troubled teen".
I've since been diagnosed with significant dyslexia and I suspect ADHD.

DH, when he is unwell is the kind of person to do the ill voice (even when he had a vasectomy), has the "dressing gown of doom" and always just suffers more than anyone so my sympathy is small.

Since reading that book he is now showing complete trauma that he thinks he has ADHD and it "explains everything" (what? I don't know)
he's actually tearful about it.
He brings it up constantly "my ADHD brain is XYZ"
"my ADHD brain would hate that kind of job"
etc etc

i asked him to stop it today because it's getting boring.

He's basically telling me he's entirely traumatised by the fact that he has ADHD from reading this book but won't tell me why as I wouldn't understand (?!)

it's beginning to really fuck me off.

We gave a kid that is suffering way more than he did in his very vanilla childhood (from all that he has told me in the 25 years. And has never seemed guarded over this)
so why the chuff is this such a flipping issue?!

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 20/08/2023 16:50

Sounds like he’s the type to leech sympathy left right and centre and this is just another way of doing it

doroda · 20/08/2023 16:52

All I will say is that people who aren't ND very rarely worry that they are.

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 16:53

You sound cold

Rob3bob · 20/08/2023 16:54

I’m dyslexic and have severe ADHD. I was in the top sets at school, have a degree and a masters. I work in a professional role. The amount of effort it took to achieve that, whilst also battling being unable to regulate my emotions at that time, almost killed me but most people wouldn’t know that.

You haven’t said anything to suggest your husband doesn’t have ADHD.

Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 16:55

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 16:53

You sound cold

I feel cold about it.

I cannot see what the problem is and he isn't telling me.

OP posts:
plantingacattree · 20/08/2023 16:56

@doroda I agree with this

Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 16:56

Rob3bob · 20/08/2023 16:54

I’m dyslexic and have severe ADHD. I was in the top sets at school, have a degree and a masters. I work in a professional role. The amount of effort it took to achieve that, whilst also battling being unable to regulate my emotions at that time, almost killed me but most people wouldn’t know that.

You haven’t said anything to suggest your husband doesn’t have ADHD.

I'm not saying he doesn't have ADHD.

I have absolutely no idea whether he does or not. I'm far from a psychiatrist. (however I do have three degrees and broke my back doing so and wasn't diagnosed with dyslexia until the third degree, so I'm fully aware of the struggle).

I just don't understand his utter trauma of it all.

OP posts:
BiIIie · 20/08/2023 16:58

LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 16:55

I feel cold about it.

I cannot see what the problem is and he isn't telling me.

Show quote history

But he might not want to speak to you about it because you're so cold about it

Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 16:58

(I didnt literally break my back I have to point out!)

OP posts:
OleMioSole · 20/08/2023 17:00

YANBU.
If it's really an issue surely he should be seeking help? As someone late diagnosed i found ADDITUDE magazine very helpful.
Just moaning about ti means he just wants sympathy and attention

Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 17:00

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 16:58

But he might not want to speak to you about it because you're so cold about it

Show quote history

I've only been cold today. I've has enough he's mentioned it so many times for months on end and he would divulge what the issue is.

The only thing he has said is "it explains a lot, like why I blurt things out with engaging me brain".

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 20/08/2023 17:01

I think, OP, you are suggesting that your DH effectively has 'man flu adhd' ?!?! As in, sure you feel all of that and that's fine but does it have to be so dramatic?!?

My DH is a bit like this, if one of the kids feels ill so does he, if I have period pain he's also got a stomach ache. It's draining so I get it completely.
Personally I would absolve yourself of this by suggesting that he seeks a therapist to help him come to terms with his proposed diagnsis (self diagnosis) hopefully the therapist will help him to deal better with your daughter and you don't have to appear uncaring.

Tinkerbyebye · 20/08/2023 17:01

Just tell him to get himself formally tested and until you have a formal result to stop going on

Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 17:02

OleMioSole · 20/08/2023 17:00

YANBU.
If it's really an issue surely he should be seeking help? As someone late diagnosed i found ADDITUDE magazine very helpful.
Just moaning about ti means he just wants sympathy and attention

He is seeking help through the means of CBT, so I am really glad he is doing that.

He isn't interested in getting diagnosed or taking medication. Which I understand, that's totally up to the individual.

OP posts:
Clymene · 20/08/2023 17:03

doroda · 20/08/2023 16:52

All I will say is that people who aren't ND very rarely worry that they are.

Hahaha. You're so wrong.

RyanGoslingsTan · 20/08/2023 17:09

Sounds like the book has brought up some very traumatic and repressed memories for him

Ponoka7 · 20/08/2023 17:22

Well he needs to get a grip doesn't he. He's gone through the education system, hasn't injured himself, has he indulged in risky behaviour? He hasn't ended up in the justice system and has settled with a partner and been able to parent. Unlike many people, especially men who are ND. Perhaps just be thankful that his ND didn't affect him so adversely that it's put him at a major disadvantage. He's functioning above your DD. Does he lose things on a daily basis and generally struggle with time keeping etc? I don't blame you for being sceptical, it's all about him, isn't it? Admittedly that can be a symptom. However it isn't enough to be tearful about. University is out of the reach of two of my DD's, so is being a parent because of ADHD/Autism. Both are working in decent jobs, though.

Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 17:25

Ponoka7 · 20/08/2023 17:22

Well he needs to get a grip doesn't he. He's gone through the education system, hasn't injured himself, has he indulged in risky behaviour? He hasn't ended up in the justice system and has settled with a partner and been able to parent. Unlike many people, especially men who are ND. Perhaps just be thankful that his ND didn't affect him so adversely that it's put him at a major disadvantage. He's functioning above your DD. Does he lose things on a daily basis and generally struggle with time keeping etc? I don't blame you for being sceptical, it's all about him, isn't it? Admittedly that can be a symptom. However it isn't enough to be tearful about. University is out of the reach of two of my DD's, so is being a parent because of ADHD/Autism. Both are working in decent jobs, though.

This is exactly my take on things.

If him or I have ADHD than we have done alright haven't we?

We don't suffer from depression or addiction, we have never been arrested and so on and so forth.

However the PP upthread mentioned that is triggered from real traumas for him.

Which is what he is saying has happened but won't say what, bar what I've already mentioned.

OP posts:
SaladBarNanny · 20/08/2023 17:28

RyanGoslingsTan · 20/08/2023 17:09

Sounds like the book has brought up some very traumatic and repressed memories for him

Sounds like he's self-diagnosed after reading one book. He's talking incessantly about "his ADHD" thereby imposing the issue on OP, but doesn't want to discuss in any way that might lead to practical coping mechanisms or a way for this new information about himself to become his new normal.

He hasn't supported their daughter adequately, by OP's reckoning - hence her asking him to read the book. Rather than gaining a better understanding of his daughter's needs, he's made it all about him and won't shut up about it.

He sounds insufferable. Whether or not he has ADHD is completely by the by.

multisurface · 20/08/2023 17:31

It sounds to me like he recognises himself having read the book.

doroda · 20/08/2023 17:31

Clymene · 20/08/2023 17:03

Hahaha. You're so wrong.

Show quote history

You think that NT people go around angsting that they're ND? They don't 😂

multisurface · 20/08/2023 17:32

He doesn't owe you an explanation of his trauma.

Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 17:33

SaladBarNanny · 20/08/2023 17:28

Sounds like he's self-diagnosed after reading one book. He's talking incessantly about "his ADHD" thereby imposing the issue on OP, but doesn't want to discuss in any way that might lead to practical coping mechanisms or a way for this new information about himself to become his new normal.

He hasn't supported their daughter adequately, by OP's reckoning - hence her asking him to read the book. Rather than gaining a better understanding of his daughter's needs, he's made it all about him and won't shut up about it.

He sounds insufferable. Whether or not he has ADHD is completely by the by.

Show quote history

One huge benefit of the book is that he really has supported our DD since he read the book.

So I have to give him credit there, I asked him to read the book so he could understand her and it's worked.

However if she does something that he deems 'ADHD' he will say something like "that's just how our ADHD brains work Jane"

Bringing it up and highlighting himself.

This is the main thing that is really bugging me, DD is now, newly doing incredibly well thanks to medication and I would love to highlight and celebrate that with her at every opportunity, which I do!
But DH, in a supportive way, is more like "ah well, that's just us and ADHD, isn't it Jane!"

OP posts:
Original poster
LavaMonkey · 20/08/2023 17:34

doroda · 20/08/2023 17:31

You think that NT people go around angsting that they're ND? They don't 😂

Show quote history

I think they may be referring to the onslaught of people who feel that have autism and ADHD thanks to tic toc or the like.

Everyone on the ADHD or ASD pathway does not have either of those things.

OP posts:
SaladBarNanny · 20/08/2023 17:36

multisurface · 20/08/2023 17:31

It sounds to me like he recognises himself having read the book.

Well yes, OP has told us that. The issue is how he's reacting to that and the effect it's having on their relationship

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