DH being ADHD. Im being unreasonable aren't I?

[LavaMonkey]

...and I need the vipers to perhaps help me see this.

So basically our DD, 13 has quite severe ADHD. We have had really serious and dangerous issues with her over the years but she is now been diagnosed and medicated through CAMHS for about a year and doing really really well.

I often wonder read the ADHD type threads on here with kids waiting to be assessed and parents at the end of their tethers.
One poster suggested a book called
"How not to murder your ADHD child"

I ordered it and really liked it. I asked DH to read it so he could be a bit more sympathetic to DD.

To preface the following, I've been with DH for nearly 25 years, he works hard, he has a good head on his shoulders, he's an excellent husband and father.
I work hard, etc etc
He did ok at school, he was a punk and not in with the "in crowd" but got his GSCE's and eventually a degree.

I suffered horrifically at school, got badly bullied, did very poorly in my GCSE's and was a very "troubled teen".
I've since been diagnosed with significant dyslexia and I suspect ADHD.

DH, when he is unwell is the kind of person to do the ill voice (even when he had a vasectomy), has the "dressing gown of doom" and always just suffers more than anyone so my sympathy is small.

Since reading that book he is now showing complete trauma that he thinks he has ADHD and it "explains everything" (what? I don't know)
he's actually tearful about it.
He brings it up constantly "my ADHD brain is XYZ"
"my ADHD brain would hate that kind of job"
etc etc

i asked him to stop it today because it's getting boring.

He's basically telling me he's entirely traumatised by the fact that he has ADHD from reading this book but won't tell me why as I wouldn't understand (?!)

it's beginning to really fuck me off.

We gave a kid that is suffering way more than he did in his very vanilla childhood (from all that he has told me in the 25 years. And has never seemed guarded over this)
so why the chuff is this such a flipping issue?!

The people who scream about and are 'proud' haven't necessarily experienced all of that though. And we don't even know if they really are ND.
As a PP said it's used to justify bad behaviour.
I struggle to be on time so I have multiple alarms etc to compensate if I am late, I'm genuinely remorseful!

Some acquaintances : 'teehee sorry I'm late I have adhd' every time. Often an hour or so. Needless to say I dropped them ASAP.

Also these people were obviously self-diagnosed...

It feels that way, but he has no odd behaviours at all.
Nothing that I would ever suggest that is ADHD.
Which is probably not allowing the empathy to flow either.

Well hang on though, you said you think you probably have it too? And your DD has it. (And sounds like she has a particularly severe case). And it's highly genetic. It's quite common for parents for example to say "Well that's not ADHD, it's just normal!" - well yeah, it's normal for a family where everyone has ADHD!

I don't know if that fits your family history of course. And maybe he is just being elevenerife. But I do think it can be quite common to downplay ND traits if they seem normal to you because you have them too and the people you grew up with were like that.

I get it now! I have a relative like this; they never showed any behaviours growing up, very organised, stable, and everyone's favourite, remembered everything,
but then, like me, I forget stuff, daydream, feel terrible at school apart from stuff that I enjoyed, lol, or engage in risky behaviours, but now they got a diagnosis (after me), and now they're like this, posting on social media etc. I reckon there might be a back story here

This isn't at all my experience.

OP this would fuck me off too. I also know people who spend five seconds reading a book and then talk about "My ADHD brain" in the third person, and it's infuriating. I think you should just go with it and encourage him to seek a diagnosis. If he has it then you can soften; if he doesn't then he can shut up about it.

Well, I'm thinking about my DD who was dx with ASD at 11.

Nobody ever raised any concerns about her - she masks well at school, is bright, sociable etc. It was me who came to the conclusion that she might be autistic and went to the GP. She continues to mask well at secondary and I know that no concerns would have been voiced to me still. If I'd known nothing about autism (I have MN to thank here) I could have very easily just thought she has an explosive personality, is anxious etc. And she could have very easily made it to adulthood with no diagnosis. At which point perhaps she would have come to her own conclusion.

I'm so glad I pushed for a diagnosis for her and it's official - at least she won't have people dismissing her as trying to be fashionable or jumping on a bandwagon.

Maybe he cant get his head round his realisation. It can be a big deal.

Tbh if your daughter has ADHD there is a good chance one of you does.

Why not encourage him to seek formal diagnosis?

Erm yes it is for many people. My ADHD (professional diagnosed and no I never self diagnosed my nhs psych clocked it) is really disabling to me. I literally can not function at normal life because of it.

Oh sorry i just read this 😂 i am too reactive 😂

Fashionable you say? Fantastic, I've spent my entire life being excluded and weird. I haven't worked for over 20 years - now at last I have my moment. I'm well and truly basking in the limelight, can you point me in the direction of the career opportunities this will bring me as a highly intelligent middle aged woman? And how can I make up the lost pension, oh, and the self respect. My hour has arrived and I'm here for it.

The ignorance astounds me. Oh what's that you say? I'm one of the 'real' ones, yeah right.

While we were waiting for DS1's ADHD assessment, I did an online course to become a bit more informed about it, rather than just making assumptions based on stereotypes. A couple of weeks into the course there was a video of a woman talking about her own ADHD diagnosis which followed on from diagnoses for her two children. She mentioned always having been an anxious child and having been plagued by anxiety her whole life. I am like this too (eg I was on Valium at 9 and had OCD in my teens) So I just thought, out of curiosity, I'd look at the symptoms of ADHD with specific regard to girls and won. Within minutes, I was nodding away. Then I was uncontrollably bawling my eyes out as I recognised so much of myself. It was a very, very strong reaction such as I have never experienced before.

DS1 was NOT diagnosed with ADHD in the end, but is still awaiting assessment for ASD. I still believe I have ADHD though. I am not a complete car crash (not far off it though!), but I have spent my whole life wondering how everyone else seems to have it all sussed and I'm just standing there on the edges wondering if my rule book got lost in the post! The reason I'm saying this is because nobody looking at me from the outside would ever know what I'm really like. Nobody. It is unlikely I could ever get a diagnosis as I'm in my mid fifties. If I do have ADHD and if I could get a diagnosis, I can't begin to express how much I might just cut myself a bit of slack because the mental self-flagellation is very real!!

Sorry 'women', not 'won'🙄😬