DH being ADHD. Im being unreasonable aren't I?

[LavaMonkey]

...and I need the vipers to perhaps help me see this.

So basically our DD, 13 has quite severe ADHD. We have had really serious and dangerous issues with her over the years but she is now been diagnosed and medicated through CAMHS for about a year and doing really really well.

I often wonder read the ADHD type threads on here with kids waiting to be assessed and parents at the end of their tethers.
One poster suggested a book called
"How not to murder your ADHD child"

I ordered it and really liked it. I asked DH to read it so he could be a bit more sympathetic to DD.

To preface the following, I've been with DH for nearly 25 years, he works hard, he has a good head on his shoulders, he's an excellent husband and father.
I work hard, etc etc
He did ok at school, he was a punk and not in with the "in crowd" but got his GSCE's and eventually a degree.

I suffered horrifically at school, got badly bullied, did very poorly in my GCSE's and was a very "troubled teen".
I've since been diagnosed with significant dyslexia and I suspect ADHD.

DH, when he is unwell is the kind of person to do the ill voice (even when he had a vasectomy), has the "dressing gown of doom" and always just suffers more than anyone so my sympathy is small.

Since reading that book he is now showing complete trauma that he thinks he has ADHD and it "explains everything" (what? I don't know)
he's actually tearful about it.
He brings it up constantly "my ADHD brain is XYZ"
"my ADHD brain would hate that kind of job"
etc etc

i asked him to stop it today because it's getting boring.

He's basically telling me he's entirely traumatised by the fact that he has ADHD from reading this book but won't tell me why as I wouldn't understand (?!)

it's beginning to really fuck me off.

We gave a kid that is suffering way more than he did in his very vanilla childhood (from all that he has told me in the 25 years. And has never seemed guarded over this)
so why the chuff is this such a flipping issue?!

You also seem to have self diagnosed yourself with ADHD so I am not sure of the issue. Do you want to claim it and feel jealous he says he has it too?

It is possible that both or neither of you have it. Some people are very susceptible to taking on what they hear and see. That isn't that uncommon. I used to teach an abnormal psych course and everyone saw themselves, their parents, siblings and friends in every condition we studied!

Tons of people think they had ADHD because of something they read or saw or heard just like you and your DH.

Everyone on the ADHD or ASD pathway doesn't have what exactly?

Yes, you're exactly right and that's actually part of my beef about it.

I do very much feel that it's likely I have ADHD, and that's where it ends.
I don't talk about it, cry about it, go on and on about it, talk to DD about her ADHD and make it about her.
That is my very issue.

I also agree that neither or both of us could have it.
So why would we keep bringing it up?

You have highlighted my very issue with it.

Well, yes. But in the same way that despite being a Virgo, if I read a Pisces horoscope I could definitely fit it to my day if I thought being a Pisces would get me a bit of attention.

Adult diagnoses ADHD/ADD/ASD: the new veganism. In that, regardless of whether it’s true, you have me mention it at any tenuous opportunity.

How can you tell if a newly self diagnosed adult is ADHD?
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

This made me laugh!! I couldn't agree more, this is exactly how I feel.
It probably is another reason why I don't chatter on about it.

On the other hand, in terms of schooling, what I have noticed is that school is absolutely backwards and ignorant in terms of ADHD.

So I only hope that this wave of veganism ADHD creates a change in school.

I think a lot of people pathologise perfectly typical human behaviour as evidence of ND @doroda

There are scores of people - often young - who self diagnose as having ASD/ADHD. It is very fashionable at the moment.

Yes and maybe the people self diagnosing are actually ND? You don't suddenly become ND just because you've had an official diagnosis, you were born like it.

I think far more of the population might be ND than has been previously considered.

He may be wondering what his life would be like if he'd had a diagnosis and meds st a young age.

I think YABU. You have reacted differently. But it genuinely is quite traumatic/revelatory for some people and feels like a hugely profound thing. If it's not for you, then that's OK, everyone is different. But it sounds like it is important to him.

I felt like this. I got diagnosed and it felt like THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that had ever happened. Yes, OK, it wasn't, there are other significant events in my life. But it's up there - with marriage and having children and moving countries. That's how significant it feels to me.

All my life I struggled and wondered what was different and beat myself up and I never needed to because I didn't know this one thing about me. Finding that answer was amazing. I now admit to being a little obsessed with ADHD - and I suspect my DH feels a bit like you do, like "Why go on about it??" I detect a silent eye roll every time I mention it, even though honestly I try not to mention it very much. He doesn't have ADHD, but he is dyslexic and while it affects some things for him, mostly he thinks of that as a very minor thing which mostly affected his school years. Maybe he thinks I should classify ADHD the same - I don't know. But I don't. I see it as being a whole lens which changes everything, every single memory or experince I have ever had.

But the thing is - doing all this learning and obsessing has made a massive massive difference for me because I've been able to change how I approach things. I am also on medication but that has only been recently. The biggest change has been learning about how my brain works and connecting with other people who have ADHD and finding out what works/doesn't work for them, as well as learning about the science and the research behind ADHD and different theories about it and what causes it etc and the history of it and how, chemically, the medications work etc. And in conversing with others about ADHD online I've been able to share what I've learned with others and mostly they seem to find it helpful too. It's become a bit of a hobby, and yes, sometimes I joke about it - even to DS1 who also has ADHD, because, honestly, I think it's nice to have a positive association with it and be able to joke about it. I don't really understand what DH's problem is, it's like he treats it like some awful thing I'm supposed to be ashamed of or hide away but it's me! It's part of my identity and yes, it makes some things hard and I find it difficult, but embracing all of me is what has enabled me to be so much happier and more productive.

I do very much feel that it's likely I have ADHD, and that's where it ends.
I don't talk about it, cry about it, go on and on about it, talk to DD about her ADHD and make it about her.

The fact that your husband, in relation to the topic, is both struggling to regulate his emotions and is hyper focused on the subject, clearly indicate he has ADHD.

Would talking therapy help you to understand why you are struggling to accept that he is disabled and to accommodate his disability needs? Your posts suggest you are jealous that seems to have achieved more than you.

Tell him that if and when he gets a diagnosis, you might be interested.

DD is now, newly doing incredibly well thanks to medication and I would love to highlight and celebrate that with her at every opportunity, which I do!
But DH, in a supportive way, is more like "ah well, that's just us and ADHD, isn't it Jane!"

I guess what I mean is that these are two different kinds of support. Both helpful, both important, in their own way.

Something that I have learnt from DH is that having different approaches to parenting can be really beneficial, I honestly think this is really true.

This is a tough one. I’m inferring that although you think he might be correct in that he might have ADHD, That the “man flu” moaning about it and making it all about him is irritating you. In which case I totally get it.
my husband is an A* complainer. He gets a snuffle its “I’ve got a terrible cold” emptying the medicine cabinet down his throat. If he does have a proper cold, instead of doing his best to soldier on he groans every single time he sneezes or coughs, or moves, or sits down.if he’s tired he can’t just be tired. He has to tell me 400,000 times how tired he is. With big dramatic yawns and the like. He’s kept me up to til the early hours the last few days as we had visitors and he would stay up late with him. He is “absolutely exhausted” but it’s all his own doing staying up late every night, and he ignores the fact that he kept me awake too so I am probably equally tired. So I’m with you on the being irritated at the special dressing gown and the mentioning it constantly.
why don’t you ask him if he would like to see the doctor about being diagnosed or a therapist if he has issues in his past. And maybe try and make his blathering less annoying by putting a pound in a jar every time he says ADHD and then treat yourself with a gift 😂

I really appreciate that insight, thank you.

Jealously? Come on now.

Silly sausage! 🙄

My mum goes around diagnosing my whole family. Apparently my sisters, brother, her mum and some grandkids all have it. Also she’s self diagnosed herself. She would never say ‘I have possible or suspected ADHD’ it’s just ‘I have ADHD or I have undiagnosed ADHD’ as if it’s a given and as if you don’t need a proper diagnosis through the proper channels. She attributes everything to it. Oh I’m late- it’s my ADHD. Oh I’m disorganised, it’s not my fault it’s my ADHD. Drives me mad. Interestingly she’s also a vegan… 🤨

so yeah op I get your frustrations and would definitely share them! I would maybe remind him that ADHD needs to be diagnosed, it’s a bit insulting to just decide you have it to those who have been properly assessed and diagnosed

Jesus wept, yes you are very much BU.

I struggled at school and left with one (very low grade) A-Level. My wife has seven A-Levels and a master’s degree from a great university. Surprise! We’ve both got ADHD.

My more obvious struggle doesn’t mitigate the fact that my wife also had a horrendous time despite outward success.

It’s also not surprising at all that your husband is feeling traumatised. Yes, it might be annoying for him to mention it constantly, but talking about it helps settle it into reality and he might also be looking for reassurance. ADHD is a disability, like it or not (the ableism on this thread is RAMPANT as per), and whilst you might be in denial about your own neurodivergence and how it affects your life, it doesn’t mean he has to just “soldier on” too. It doesn’t serve anyone.

ADHD is not a disability.

Sorry that was a knee jerk reaction to a dick
splash post.

Yes it's a disability, I mean fuck DD gets DLA.
But she has comorbidities.

OP, its funny your story is so similar to mine. Main difference is your DH actually bothered to read a book! My teen has ADHD and I read up on it all the time, DH is too busy looking for his keys or whatever 😉. But the outcome is much the same, i recently told DH something I have learned and it was a bit of a light bulb moment and he asked if I thought maybe he had ADHD too. Since then I cannot count the amount of times he did something or described an urge to do something and either of us pointed out its a typical ADHD trait. Unlike your DH he isn't being dramatic about it but it's been an eye opener. He has been thinking back on certain things and wondering if his behaviour was ADHD related. He has been really successful career wise and is very confident socially so he admits himself, whatever he has it has served him well. The fact that it has also made him very difficult to live with doesn't bother him so much. It also hasn't made me more understanding of his quirks cos he has been given tools that he refuses to use then yells at DS for doing exactly the same thing, like losing things or being late.

I get your childhood was much worse but I don't think its fair to expect someone with an easier childhood to find life easier in general. If you are fighting impulses all day its exhausting, knowing you were a loved child doesn't make it less so. I'd have some empathy for your DH as he may have a lot to process right now but it does sound like he is taking the piss a bit to be honest!

Except ADHD is real and horoscopes aren't.

I don't think your hubby having ADHD is the problem; it's probably that he's used to this kind of behaviour all the time. I'm guessing if you both have a cold or are ill simultaneously, he's always the one worse off etc. Like, is he a bit of an elevenerife?

And I'm guessing he is starting to like to use it as an excuse for odd behaviour?

Before anyone says something, I have inattentive ADHD (have had diagnosis for years)

@doroda - that sounds to me like people who say 'we're all a little bit autistic'. We're not.

It happens on here all the time. Any time anyone ever posts about someone who is rude or dismissive or inconsiderate, someone always pops up with 'do you think they may have ASD?' And now it's happening with ADHD. Easily distracted? Bit of a procrastinator? Always late? Must have ADHD!

It's really lazy and really insulting to people who are actually neurodivergent.

.

Eh? How is it fashionable to be completely marginalised by your peers, be less likely to stay in employment and to continually be othered? Nobody wants to be ND

It's not people who are successful who are doing it