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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting DD pick what she wants at food shopping?

144 replies

DariaK · 19/08/2023 21:07

DD will only eat home cooked meals, veggies, etc. if she can add that bloody Nando's garlic and herb sauce. It's the mild dipping sauce, comes in a glass bottle.

I'm happy to buy one bottle per food shop but it's not lasting her, she has shit loads with one meal. I'd need to buy about 3 bottles I reckon. If we run out or don't have it, she literally won't eat the meals at all and will have toast or cereal.

AIBU to not buy it?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 22:23

All these posters saying don't let her get away with it, she's manipulative, typical 12yo trying to get mum to jump to order, no toast she can go hungry...is this really the footing on which you relate to your children?! They're not the enemy. It's their home, not a prison. If you can't afford to fulfil their preferences, explain it to them like human beings and work together to find alternatives. If you can afford it, why not unclench and let them exercise a little agency over what they eat. They're supposed to be developing opinions and tastes at this age, and you're supposed to be scaffolding it, not squashing it. This girl is eating the meals that are provided; she just wants a preferred condiment - for whatever reason, that's important for her at the moment.

kitchenwwyd · 19/08/2023 22:25

We have chicken at home with Nando’s rub or marinade once, sometimes twice a week! Might be nice to add it to the meal plan if she likes it so much?

I also really recommend this brand as a way to make any piece of meat or fish taste amazing!! I don’t know a lot about spices but these are so fun to experiment with and all you need to do is sprinkle it on before cooking. They have so many different ones, make a boring chicken breast or salmon fillet so tasty!

Spice Cartel, Americas Collection of Artisinal Herb & Spice Blends from North & South America, 4-35g Resealable Pouches https://amzn.eu/d/gq0BGPi

https://amzn.eu/d/gq0BGPi?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-4875998-not-letting-dd-pick-what-she-wants-at-food-shopping

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 19/08/2023 22:26

I love traditional British food but, for the plainer stuff, you have to be a really good cook for it to be properly tasty. And, I'd add condiments to all the OP's listed dishes.

Might be worth experimenting a bit in the kitchen @DariaK and getting all your kids to help out/make suggestions.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/08/2023 22:26

DariaK · 19/08/2023 22:11

If I refuse she will genuinely go 6 days of toast or cereal for dinner. 6 days is the longest there was without the sauce in the house, I dread to think how long she would go and honestly it's then a decision of do I want to see her eat more of that or actually have some decent nutrition.

If I refuse the toast or cereal do I really just let her go hungry? I'm afraid she actually would!

Would you be as concerned if there was different sauces involved?

It sounds like she struggles with bland flavours in meals. Would she get involved in cooking sometimes and trying different flavourings or spices?

CatchHimDerry · 19/08/2023 22:30

My brother was like this as a child with brown sauce. Grim. He’s grown out of it now and eats so well

Inca22 · 19/08/2023 22:32

Costco so huge bottles of nandos sauces for cheap. £5.99 for a litre, Do you or a friend have membership? www.costco.co.uk/Business-Delivery/Business-Delivery/Nandos-Lemon-Herb-PERi-PERi-Sauce-2-x-500ml/p/330803_BD

Whattodo112222 · 19/08/2023 22:35

I get the cost aspect.. but really, there's worse things in life.. she could be addicted to takeaways and sugar instead. I don't think this is the hill to die on op.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/08/2023 22:39

Her behaviour around food if you refuse to supply the sauce suggests you're incorrect about the 'no special needs' thing.

Theres something 'not quite right' there - I have ARFID, food has to be a certain way or I can't eat it, and yep, I'll go hungry for days rather than eat 'wrong' food.

It is also sometimes very difficult to express or figure out what the hell IS wrong with the food - too dry, to crunchy, incorrect ratio between soft and crunchy (theres some hash browns I can't eat if cooked whole and served whole, but if I cut them up part way through cooking, and cook them in small pieces, they're great!).

Let her have the sauce, say nothing about it, save money by buying less prepackaged processed stuff, have a crack at making your own sauces (I couldn't eat salad until we figured out a salad dressing I like we can make at home, now i have a massive salad with every evening meal. My evening meal is quorn thing, salad and potato crispies. And has been every night for six weeks now.)

Making a big deal about it will just make things worse, the more you create stress and drama, the worse shes going to get and as she does seem to be eating a decent range of proper food, that seems pretty bloody silly to risk over some sauce.

Chances are if you say nothing and just provide the sauce, she will get over it in her own time - my safe food lists change from time to time, and I never know why or when!

Bbq1 · 19/08/2023 22:40

Startrekkeruniverse · 19/08/2023 22:04

I wouldn’t be pandering to her. She’s 12, not 2 and far too old to be throwing a strop/refusing to eat what you’ve cooked just because she’s run out of Nando’s sauce.

This. I initially expected her to be a toddler, not 12. She sounds very young for her age. £12 a week on sauce? No way! Pp's saying it's not not a hill to die on are missing the point. If the child is allowed to have this level of control and manipulation now (basically having a tantrum over lack of sauce) imagine her behaviour at 15... It needs sorting now .

brokenbitbybit · 19/08/2023 22:43

I find this nicer than the Nando's version, and a lot cheaper too! She'll sicken her self with it eventually.

Not letting DD pick what she wants at food shopping?
Bbq1 · 19/08/2023 22:45

Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 22:23

All these posters saying don't let her get away with it, she's manipulative, typical 12yo trying to get mum to jump to order, no toast she can go hungry...is this really the footing on which you relate to your children?! They're not the enemy. It's their home, not a prison. If you can't afford to fulfil their preferences, explain it to them like human beings and work together to find alternatives. If you can afford it, why not unclench and let them exercise a little agency over what they eat. They're supposed to be developing opinions and tastes at this age, and you're supposed to be scaffolding it, not squashing it. This girl is eating the meals that are provided; she just wants a preferred condiment - for whatever reason, that's important for her at the moment.

That's a normal way to approach meals with a toddler but the girl is almost a teenager. Allowing her agency is one thing but allowing her to demand sauce and refuse to eat meals without it is entirely enough. We also have to help our child to develop maturity, this child being treated like a 2 year old isn't helping her.

TyneTeas · 19/08/2023 22:45

As PPs have said, the Aldi one is pretty good taste and value wise

Another alternative could be making available eg garlic granules, chilli flakes and lemon pepper as a seasoning to sprinkle on

Icycloud · 19/08/2023 22:45

Buy it she has special dietary requirements, she’d still want it even if it cost nothing, it’s not to spite you

Insommmmnia · 19/08/2023 22:46

Is it a texture thing?

So for example I can't eat mashed potatoes without either baked beans or salad cream because the texture is wrong and too dry but something with a sauce helps

You mentioned several meals with mashed potato as an element of them so it could be that?

Also because of my food texture issues I default easily to toast and cereal as my "safe food textures" and could easily live on them for 6 days or more if other food was bothering me

I compare eating food with difficult textures to trying to hold a serious conversation in a nightclub. You shout and try your best for awhile but eventually the effort is exhausting and you give up.

I will eat food with problematic textures but the effort of forcing myself to do so it exhausting and eventually I give up, often before I have finished the meal.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 19/08/2023 22:47

I’d buy one a week and if she wants more she can pay for it herself.

Insommmmnia · 19/08/2023 22:47

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/08/2023 22:39

Her behaviour around food if you refuse to supply the sauce suggests you're incorrect about the 'no special needs' thing.

Theres something 'not quite right' there - I have ARFID, food has to be a certain way or I can't eat it, and yep, I'll go hungry for days rather than eat 'wrong' food.

It is also sometimes very difficult to express or figure out what the hell IS wrong with the food - too dry, to crunchy, incorrect ratio between soft and crunchy (theres some hash browns I can't eat if cooked whole and served whole, but if I cut them up part way through cooking, and cook them in small pieces, they're great!).

Let her have the sauce, say nothing about it, save money by buying less prepackaged processed stuff, have a crack at making your own sauces (I couldn't eat salad until we figured out a salad dressing I like we can make at home, now i have a massive salad with every evening meal. My evening meal is quorn thing, salad and potato crispies. And has been every night for six weeks now.)

Making a big deal about it will just make things worse, the more you create stress and drama, the worse shes going to get and as she does seem to be eating a decent range of proper food, that seems pretty bloody silly to risk over some sauce.

Chances are if you say nothing and just provide the sauce, she will get over it in her own time - my safe food lists change from time to time, and I never know why or when!

Can I ask what the salad dressing is please?

SpicyMoth · 19/08/2023 22:53

Could you buy cheaper alternatives and put them in the empty bottles of the Nando's one? - If she notices a difference just say the recipe's changed.

Or even "watering it down" by adding some mayonnaise or something? I'm not familiar with the sauce so I'm not 100% on what would work lol

She'll probably outgrow it, I used to put Aromat on Chicken Tikka Masala's lol 😂

Original poster
DariaK · 19/08/2023 22:56

She gets through more than the 500g bottle a week!

OP posts:
Adultingshard · 19/08/2023 22:59

hennybeans · 19/08/2023 21:49

I see many are saying to just buy more sauce, this isn’t the hill to die on. But I think I probably would go the other way and stop buying it altogether. It sounds like dd’s behaviour is quite manipulative- buy plenty of sauce or i I won’t eat. That’s just ridiculous behaviour. It’s ok to prefer a sauce, but you need to be reasonable about it. And not eating the prepared dinner because you don’t have your sauce isn’t something I would allow or encourage by buying even more sauce.

Same here! I'm so surprised everyone is saying to just buy the sauce. What other unreasonable demands can kids make that parents should just comply to?

There need to be boundaries surely if they just wake one morning and decide they will only eat if their parents spend an extra 50 quid a month on sauce?

Of course I'd first try to make sure nothing else was at play (SEN, eating disorder in the making etc) but otherwise it's just a teenager being a brat and trying to push boundaries I think.

Missrabbithasfaintedagain · 19/08/2023 23:02

Username620 · 19/08/2023 21:23

Why don’t you see if there’s a recipe online for making it yourself? It could be a nice thing for the 2 of you to do together.
She can play around with the flavours etc. and also understand the difference in price.

For one reason or another (I’m not suggesting autism with this, is humans can have all sorts of quirks) the sauce has become a safe food and comfort. Changing it by making it herself won’t work. She’ll know the difference.

Absolutelynotfor2019 · 19/08/2023 23:08

As a Mum of a child who has had an eating disorder I personally would advise that you just get the food she likes. 12 is a very vulnerable age and not worth the battle.

SpaceRaiders · 19/08/2023 23:08

Sounds very much like AFRID and it is usually is linked to Autism. If I ever tried the eat it or starve with mine they’d starve themselves. I wish posters wouldn’t give that kind of outdated advice. There’s all manner of reasons why a child may not want to eat certain things, forcing them and or denying a safe food isn’t the answer. Op whilst it’s annoying, find it cheaper online or reduced and bulk buy as a when you can.