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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this relationship a non-starter?

61 replies

floratone · 19/08/2023 20:31

Have recently met a guy who seems almost perfect. It's uncanny the number of interests we share. There are also so many shared experiences re our upbringing which removes the shame I normally experience when sharing childhood traumas.

It's very early days but this new guy has said he does not value marriage. My heart sunk when I heard this to be honest.

Marriage is a non-negotiable for me. I told the guy "oh that's a shame, but sadly we don't align on our views to marriage, this won't work". But his response has made me uncertain. He said that I'm being hasty and he could be convinced if things continue to go the way they are.

Firstly, I just don't want to play the role of convincing a man to marry me and secondly he could just easily string me along for years. I'm successful professionally but would put my career on hold to be a stay at home mum when the time comes so there is a need for financial protection.

I'm 30 and everyone around me is either married/engaged (or so it feels) but the number of similarities and the level of acceptance this provides is also special.

OP posts:
Animallover87 · 19/08/2023 20:41

He's telling you upfront so you can't turn round in 5 years and demand to know why he hasn't proposed.

He's telling you who he is; believe him.

bracemyselfagain · 19/08/2023 21:00

I'd be considering myself rather lucky that I'd have this learnt this very early on ... don't waste your time in the hopes that one day he'll change his mind.
You know what you want from a long term relationship, don't compromise wish him well & move on. Your just not compatible.

Goodluck

Bonniethewestie · 19/08/2023 21:20

I guess the question is, if he understood it was important to you and likes you enough would he compromise?

Why doesn’t he value marriage? And why do you value it so much? Is there a meet in the middle that would appeal to him more E.g. smaller wedding/not spending a fortune on it.

Up to you OP but I wouldn’t throw away a great guy instantly. Would be different if it was over children or location or something. Ultimately marriage is just one day of your lives so you can surely reach a compromise?

venusandmars · 19/08/2023 21:23

Maybe you could help educate him. He doesn't value marriage, but then as a man, he probably doesn't have to. Educate him about the disproportionate impact that having a child (and especially more children) has on a woman's career, earning ability, pension and long term financial security. See if he has enough wisdom and understanding to reflect...

Or maybe we should just expect that men have done this thinking for themselves. That would be much better.

Winnipeggy · 19/08/2023 21:24

I mean....I would be sceptical too but my now husband told me when we got together that he would never marry and didn't want children and both those things changed without any persuasion from me. It's a tough one but people do change their minds.

CuriositysCat · 19/08/2023 21:25

@Bonniethewestie A wedding is one day of your life but the institution of marriage is so much more than that for many people for a variety of reasons. He is not saying that he doesn’t want a wedding, he is saying that he doesn’t believe in the concept of marriage, which is obviously very important to the OP.

I don’t think I could get past this if he remains resolute but, if things develop over the next few months and he realises that it’s important to you so changes his mind, that’s potentially different.

Hankunamatata · 19/08/2023 21:30

I would have an honest chat with him that marriage is none negotiable and a timescale, and that you don't want to convince him. Your laying your cards on the table.

sleepingdragon · 19/08/2023 21:32

What does he mean about not valuing marriage? As in he doesn't ever want to do it, or just that it isn't important to him?

I don't value marriage- never had any desire to get married and although I enjoy celebrating other people's love at their weddings I don't feel that the government needs to sanction who I love, and see a contradiction between the modern western notions of marriage and its origins in social control and property interests.

But my partner (husband!) was really keen for us to marry. He felt it was important to publicly signify the importance of our relationship and our lifelong commitment. So I was happy to get married for him, even though I don't feel it was necessary for me or for us.

continentallentil · 19/08/2023 21:38

You don’t want to be convincing him (putting it like that is something of a red flag).

Just tell him you are looking for a committed relationship and kids. For you that means marriage because it’s more secure and less likely to break down.

If the relationship progresses will that work for him? Yes or no.

If it’s a no, then no. He doesn’t have to know if he wants to marry you now, and he doesn’t need to value marriage - but he needs to know that he can deal with getting married if you want to stay together.

Also, I’d avoid giving up work completely. It’s very hard to recover your career.

category12 · 19/08/2023 21:40
  • I think it's worrying that trauma has been discussed so early on - the wrong kind of guy will weaponise that sort of knowledge. Oversharing early on can be the fast-track to false intimacy.
  • I think it's dubious that you're such a perfect match - could he be mirroring you?
  • I also think him backing down so fast and saying he could be convinced is dodgy af.
Aprilx · 19/08/2023 21:40

It is good that he has been honest early on. And I would be very suspicious that his comments were just to get you hooked in.

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 19/08/2023 21:41

To me, the fact that he said he could be open is a good sign. He's not saying he's anti marriage, he's just saying that he doesn't place much value in it.
As I grew up I was adamant I didn't want kids. Even into my 30s, I was so happy living a single, child free life.
Then I met my husband. We had the chat early on, he told me he wanted kids and I told him i never had.... then that night, I realised, I didn't feel that way any more. I had met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and that made me want a family unit. We are 8 years, a marriage and 2 kids down the line.
I usually say that you shouldn't ever compromise on the fundamentals or hope that they will change but honestly, from the way you described it, I don't think he's totally closed off.

Original poster
floratone · 19/08/2023 21:42

What does he mean about not valuing marriage?

So for him it's the whole idea that a commitment does not need to involve the govt etc. Which I understand but don't necessarily agree with. It becomes very reductive imo.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 19/08/2023 21:45

involve the govt
Is he a conspiracy theorist?
Steer clear

Globules · 19/08/2023 21:45

Man I'm currently seeing has never been married and will never get married.

Reason being is that he inherited his parents house early in his life and never wants anyone else to have a legal claim on it.

If marriage is important to you, then this man has done you a favour telling you so early on. I wouldn't want to convince a man to marry me either. Time to move on, as hard as it sounds like it might be for you.

ImSoShiney · 19/08/2023 21:45

I feel a bit uneasy reading your updates but I can't put my finger on what it is. Keep your eyes peeled.

Bonniethewestie · 19/08/2023 21:55

@CuriositysCat I get that but equally 42% of marriages end in divorce. Lots of people have their reasons for not being interested in marriage (parents divorce, not understanding the cost etc.)

If it’s about commitment and not feeling the need then if he loves her he might compromise. He’s already showed openness. However, it’s unlikely he’s going to say he will right from the word go. I don’t think you should throw away a great potential relationship over something so early on.

Original poster
floratone · 19/08/2023 21:56

It's not a question about a big/small wedding. My parents filed for bankruptcy whilst I was sitting my A-Levels so I place a lot of importance on having money in the bank. A big wedding is affordable but it's not something I want at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
floratone · 19/08/2023 21:56

a question of*

OP posts:
Crazycatperson · 19/08/2023 22:08

Things change ... my partner said a similar thing early doors and my heart sank. He's since proposed. Now it's me who's unsure if I want to get married! It's just nice to know he wants to. That's enough for me.
I think women often move quicker than men. They need time to catch up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2023 22:36

Does not value or never would? Did you ask him why not? Is it 'I'm not sure what the point is I don't want to pay for a wedding!' Or is it ' I want to protect my assets I want to stay financially independent' etc etc if the first be might be open to it if he was more educated about the benefits (if it would benefit him or the couple he's in) but if the second then move on

Marwoodsbigbreak · 19/08/2023 22:58

The government? That’s his issue?

I don’t think I would waste any more time on him OP.

MuggleMe · 19/08/2023 22:58

Are there any other ways of getting the same legal protection without marriage? Can you look into it and if not explain you're rationale for wanting to be married?

LBFseBrom · 19/08/2023 23:04

He has been honest with you but he obviously likes you. As you feel the same there is no reason for you to stop seeing him. However, you don't have to be exclusive, you are young and free to see other people if you want. Who knows how it will work out in a few months.

Good luck!

Whataretheodds · 19/08/2023 23:09

Agree with PP that you should not assume there is a possibility he will change his mind.

Why is marriage a non-negotiable for you?
I'm successful professionally but would put my career on hold to be a stay at home mum when the time comes so there is a need for financial protection.
How do you know your future partner would be able or willing to support you being a SAHM?