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Original poster

Is this relationship a non-starter?

61 replies

floratone · 19/08/2023 20:31

Have recently met a guy who seems almost perfect. It's uncanny the number of interests we share. There are also so many shared experiences re our upbringing which removes the shame I normally experience when sharing childhood traumas.

It's very early days but this new guy has said he does not value marriage. My heart sunk when I heard this to be honest.

Marriage is a non-negotiable for me. I told the guy "oh that's a shame, but sadly we don't align on our views to marriage, this won't work". But his response has made me uncertain. He said that I'm being hasty and he could be convinced if things continue to go the way they are.

Firstly, I just don't want to play the role of convincing a man to marry me and secondly he could just easily string me along for years. I'm successful professionally but would put my career on hold to be a stay at home mum when the time comes so there is a need for financial protection.

I'm 30 and everyone around me is either married/engaged (or so it feels) but the number of similarities and the level of acceptance this provides is also special.

OP posts:
TroglodytesTroglodytes · 19/08/2023 23:11

The fact that he has said that he could be convinced to marry if things continue to go the way they are. Is a red flag. I think that you should get rid ASAP, he sounds like he is the type to blackmail and manipulate.

samqueens · 19/08/2023 23:22

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 19/08/2023 23:11

The fact that he has said that he could be convinced to marry if things continue to go the way they are. Is a red flag. I think that you should get rid ASAP, he sounds like he is the type to blackmail and manipulate.

Was just coming on to say this ^^
All the red flags… 🚩
He’s a manipulator and no mistake - steer well clear

JerkintheMerkin · 20/08/2023 02:24

For you marriage is a non-negotiable and he has to be convinced?!?!? Let this one go. No matter how many things/values you think you have in common you actually don't.

RantyAnty · 20/08/2023 03:54

I also wondering if he's mirroring and love bombing you.

Marriage is your deal breaker. Don't betray yourself and your values. You continue on with him and he'll think he can cross any of your boundaries.

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/08/2023 04:23

Your reasons for wanting to get married: - so you can give up work and be financially protected by a man who will be obliged to give you half his assets in a divorce - are probably the reason why he doesn't want to get married; particularly if he is well off.

Conkersinautumn · 20/08/2023 04:27

It's very convenient that your interests align but he's also trying to string you along with low expectations. He's not a keeper. He's not really relationship material if he expects you to hang around just in case he changes. You don't match after all, values aligning means more than hobbies

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2023 05:05

It's very early days but this new guy has said he does not value marriage.

He is also mirroring you and has said you might be able to "convince" him to get married.

Fucking hell, op. I'm greatly concerned that you don't see the MASSIVE red flags that are already waving right in front of your face. He's so very clearly telling you who he is, and you are so very not listening.

Bluebellsandharebells · 20/08/2023 05:09

Animallover87 · 19/08/2023 20:41

He's telling you upfront so you can't turn round in 5 years and demand to know why he hasn't proposed.

He's telling you who he is; believe him.

This first post nails it.

Don't waste your time OP.

JMSA · 20/08/2023 06:01

I can't believe some of these replies. I'd be running a mile in his shoes. You've only just met the guy and have brought up the subject of marriage Shock
Why not just see how it goes?

madeleine85 · 20/08/2023 06:08

I’m married and have 2 children with someone who wasn’t sure he would ever want either. Those things are important to me and he came around. We had many conversations when dating to see if we aligned on the long term goals. It wasn’t always what I wanted to hear, and I found them really difficult. There’s a huge difference between definitely never wanting marriage/kids and marriage being a concept they don’t fully believe in though. If you really like him, say what you want long term, and have check ins to see how he feels, what is important to him in the long term. After telling me he wasn’t sure on kids, it turned out my husband always had a baby girls name saved. Sometimes they surprise us in a good way.

Buildingthefuture · 20/08/2023 06:12

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here, it’s very early days. You might not want to marry him! Give it some time and see where it ends up. For what it’s worth, my DH was very clear when we first met that he was not getting married again, after a painful and expensive divorce. Fine by me, I’d been burned before too. After about 4 years he started making noises about marriage and it was me that was reluctant. We’ve now been happily married for 15 years.

CurlewKate · 20/08/2023 06:16

@floratone Why is marriage non-negotiable for you?

beastlyslumber · 20/08/2023 06:26

RantyAnty · 20/08/2023 03:54

I also wondering if he's mirroring and love bombing you.

Marriage is your deal breaker. Don't betray yourself and your values. You continue on with him and he'll think he can cross any of your boundaries.

This.

All the trauma talk is a red flag. This man is messing with you.

Don't compromise on what's important to you. Choose yourself.

BlueMoe · 20/08/2023 06:30

category12 · 19/08/2023 21:40

  • I think it's worrying that trauma has been discussed so early on - the wrong kind of guy will weaponise that sort of knowledge. Oversharing early on can be the fast-track to false intimacy.
  • I think it's dubious that you're such a perfect match - could he be mirroring you?
  • I also think him backing down so fast and saying he could be convinced is dodgy af.

This was my response- he sounds fake.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2023 06:32

The whole, I don’t believe in marriage but you could convince me thing is just setting you up for disappointment - it’s manipulative. This is your red flag op - not that he doesn’t want to get married - that he thinks he can manipulate your behaviour like that

FrogTaped · 20/08/2023 06:35

I had the same thing, OP. He said he really never saw marriage in his future and wanted that to be clear.

I wasn't bothered either, but low and behold he proposed within a year!

Now been very happy married 15 years.

For me marriage wasn't a deal breaker though.

YukoandHiro · 20/08/2023 06:42

You share so many of the same interests and experiences.... except this one core value which is absolutely critical to your long term happiness.

He won't change his view. It's ok to hold your boundaries on this.

If you don't walk away you it will be short term gain for long term pain. If marriage and children are important to you, you shouldn't waste 5 years on this guy only to find yourself single at 35.

YukoandHiro · 20/08/2023 06:43

Winnipeggy · 19/08/2023 21:24

I mean....I would be sceptical too but my now husband told me when we got together that he would never marry and didn't want children and both those things changed without any persuasion from me. It's a tough one but people do change their minds.

This does happen, but the opposite is much more common and women hold out for something they never get

Autieangel · 20/08/2023 06:46

I'd be concerned about mirroring and love bombing. It seems you have both shared a lot in the early stages.

I also agree for him to rule out marriage early on he is obviously very against it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had to try to convince someone to marry me.

I would move on

Coffeetree · 20/08/2023 06:48

Good for you being upfront about what you want in life.

He "could be convinced"? By whom, you? No that's not your job.

Tell him thanks but you don't want to waste his time. Keep dating, keep looking for someone whose values align with yours.

Witness the dozens of women on here who are literally raising children and keeping house for men while waiting for a proposal.

canfor · 20/08/2023 06:54

Because it's early days, maybe explore it more with him. Does he want kids? You could explain to him that for most women that will be an issue without marriage and it certainly would be for you.

However, be careful, he is telling you now that he doesn't want to. If that's his real confirmed view after a bit of conversation about it, cut your losses now.

FabFitFifties · 20/08/2023 06:56

category12 · 19/08/2023 21:40

  • I think it's worrying that trauma has been discussed so early on - the wrong kind of guy will weaponise that sort of knowledge. Oversharing early on can be the fast-track to false intimacy.
  • I think it's dubious that you're such a perfect match - could he be mirroring you?
  • I also think him backing down so fast and saying he could be convinced is dodgy af.

Mirroring was my first thought - your description of the relationship is waving red flags galore. I'm so glad the marriage bit has stopped you in your tracks OP - move on.

sodthesodoff · 20/08/2023 07:16

A few red flags here

It's early days but you're discussing childhood trauma? And miraculously you have so much in common... I agree with pp suggestion of mirroring. It seems quite intense for early days.

If marriage is a non negotiable for you I wouldn't be hanging around someone who needs to be 'convinced' about marriage.

Again pp have already nailed this. You'll spend your life running rings trying to make him happy to 'convince' him. It already puts you on the back foot.

C1N1C · 20/08/2023 07:38

Some people are jumping on the government comment... I think that's nothing more than him saying he just doesn't need a legal document to prove his love. We've seen numerous times on here women who have been married 20 years and still want marriage. The guy is thinking he's been with you for 20 years, doesn't that prove I'm serious, while the woman is thinking yeah but 'security' if you leave/die. In a sense, one is a more romantic view, the other is more practical.

elenabenjamin · 20/08/2023 07:46

Sorry if I missed this but need more information on 'doesn't value marriage' ...

Do you refer to the act itself or legals or being in a long term commitment? Staying loyal? Taking responsibility? Does he want to have children? Is he saying yes to children but no to marriage?