Is this relationship a non-starter?

[floratone]

Have recently met a guy who seems almost perfect. It's uncanny the number of interests we share. There are also so many shared experiences re our upbringing which removes the shame I normally experience when sharing childhood traumas.

It's very early days but this new guy has said he does not value marriage. My heart sunk when I heard this to be honest.

Marriage is a non-negotiable for me. I told the guy "oh that's a shame, but sadly we don't align on our views to marriage, this won't work". But his response has made me uncertain. He said that I'm being hasty and he could be convinced if things continue to go the way they are.

Firstly, I just don't want to play the role of convincing a man to marry me and secondly he could just easily string me along for years. I'm successful professionally but would put my career on hold to be a stay at home mum when the time comes so there is a need for financial protection.

I'm 30 and everyone around me is either married/engaged (or so it feels) but the number of similarities and the level of acceptance this provides is also special.

This.
Early days of my relationship with DH, he brought up marriage and family. Not to propose but to see if we were on the same page. It's a really important thing if you're looking for a significant relationship.

I'd walk away.
He's set his stall out, been upfront and honest, your goals don't align so don't waste your time.
You could be holding out for a dream that doesn't materialise.
I spent 15+ yrs with exdp, he was always the one saying that one day we'll get married, I wanted to but we kept putting it off, big holidays, nice cars etc.
He said last year let's do it in 2024, I started looking at venue options, dresses etc then at the beginning of this year he said he'd changed his mind, he didn't want to get married.
A shutter came down for me, 15 yrs of love and respect, I was his absolute "ride or die" I'd have done anything for him.
I ended it on the spot.
I'm late 50's so it's probably too late for me and I feel that even though we had a fantastic 15 yrs together, it meant nothing, I wasted 15 yrs of my life on someone who felt I wasn't good enough to marry.
It's not too late for you to find someone who wants the same as you, don't be like me, don't waste your precious time

You’re not right for each other and want different things from life.

However this part of your post is concerning:

“I'm 30 and everyone around me is either married/engaged (or so it feels) “

It can be difficult to not compare yourself to others but please don’t think you have to get married because others are. You’re not a failure if you don’t choose the same (expected!) path.

@floratone genuinely, why do you want to get married in the longterm? I’m not saying there’s no value in it but raising ‘I absolutely must get married’ shortly after meeting someone would be a bit of a flag for me. It makes it seem like your longterm prospects are to legally tie yourself to someone rather than see how life best works out for you with the circumstances given.

Okay but the OP's idea of "life working out" is to be in a good marriage.

It's very normal to be up front when getting into a relationship. "I'm dating because I'm looking for the right person to get married and start a family." Or, "I don't believe in marriage." Either is fine, but they're not compatible.

Dunno why some people seem to be saying to someone who wants marriage basically "aim lower" / don't look for what you actually want / accept less.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to, but especially so when we try to fit with someone who isn't on the same page.

What's the point of getting involved with someone if you want different things? Surely it makes more sense to only date people who you have a chance of finding happiness with? OP has a deal breaker, which is that she wants marriage. Lots of men want that too. Waste of time bothering with someone who doesn't want that.

Your reaction is spot on OP, it's not your job to change his mind, and it would create an uncomfortable dynamic if you tried. Marriage is a practical step to take in a relationship, especially with children.

Walk away.

Apologies @Coffeetree , I quoted the wrong person! I agree with you!

Absolutely this.

It's all very well his not believing in the institution of marriage but as partner to someone who is interested in children, marriage is of not benefit to him, unless he cares for the security of the mother of his children.

He is being clear who he is. Believe him and just Run. Absolutely run.

Bonniethewestie you absolutely are mistaking a wedding day for a marriage. OP has said she wants to have children, and take extended leave from work to raise them, anyone would be mad to do this without the legal protection that marriage offers.