I found out this morning that my childminder allows my daughter to call her Mummy without challenging it

[padboz]

I assumed my dd was talking to me this morning when she said 'mummy can I X' but it turned out to be directed at our childminder. I questioned this and she said 'oh she's always called me that when you aren't here - usually she stops when you get here instantly and starts calling me X - she definately knows you are her mummy' She's 2 been there since she was 6 months. I didn't really say anything, but I'm sitting here fuming - does this matter?

A different scenario here, but it might have some relevance. We adopted a little girl aged 2 who'd been allowed to call her foster carers mummy and daddy although all involved knew she would move from them in time. The handover was heartbreaking for them. I do wonder whether part of the difficulty was that they'd started to think of themselves as Mummy and Daddy. We had to teach her to call them Mummy (+name) and Daddy (+ name), so that WE could become 'Mummy and Daddy'. I so wished she'd called them auntie and uncle or some such.
It is, in my view, quite wrong for a CM to allow her charges to call her mummy. That's about HER needs, not theirs and I would not let it continue if I were you.

I am a secondary school teacher, quite a nice and fair one, and it"s a pretty common occurrence- even I have had hulking great 17 yr olds call me Mummy sometimes (usually by accident in their case...to much gentle laughter from their friends). I think that to children the word "Mummy" subconsciously signifies nurturing, warmth and care. Actually I think you are BU in expecting your daughter not to develop an attachment to this lady who must be a lovely warm human being. I think you have probably chosen her well- children need to develop attachment to their significant adults. This is a just a symptom of her attachment. Be glad of it.

no no no no!

its one thing to call your teacher mummy (I did that once and I didnt even like the teacher so certainly not jsut because I lurved her, more because I wasnt thinking)

but quite another to passively encourage a small child to call you mummy

It's smashing that your DD has such a good relationship with her CM.

But it's very important that little children learn about the different people and who they are in their lives. My DS, nearly 3, takes great pleasure in pointing out who is who and who is who's mum and dad in our family. All in relation to himself. It's a big thing to learn.

Children take things very literally so it's time to tread carefully with this one. The CM should definitely gently discourage her calling her 'mummy'. Why would anyone want to be called mummy when they're not.

I think it matters a lot.

And it's fine to have pangs about it, even jealousy. It's normal to be protective over your role as mummy. You are, after all, your child's mother!

dd3 calls her main carer at nursery 'Juwee' (Julie) but still lvoes her v much

fgs I think a lot of rot talked about 'because she feels secure' its odd and confusing

But Janni - That is completely different. Your daughter had to change environments completely and I assume has gone on to have very limited or no contact with her previous foster parents.

I don't think it is a good idea to encourage foster children to call their carers mummy/daddy unless the placement is a long term one and there very little prospect of adoption into another family.

A childminder usually cares for children who are well attached to their parents and who are not likely to be whisked off somewhere different and have to learn to attach to someone else. A child who is attached and secure in their home and who lives with their birth parents which I assume is the case in the OP should have no trouble distinguishing between who is their mother and who isn't. What the child chooses to call their carer is pretty irrelevant to that IMO.

BUT if it upsets the OP she should definitely ask the cm to discourage it while at the same time accepting that the child may continue doing it for a while even if it is discouraged.

i know a child minder and one of the children she minds calls her mommy. but the girl has very limited speech and i think in the end it has just been accepted by both parties for ease. she is 2.

Oh, much sympathy. I think the childminder should be correcting, "no not mummy, I am xxx" or something like that. I mind and almost 2 year old and she calls me and DH mummy and daddy because my 2 year old dd does it. We both leap in straight away with "No not mummy, xx" and Dh does his bit. Doesn't make much difference but I spend all day doing this She will get it eventually, but it's just repeating it.

I think there is a difference however, in encouraging it. I would have a word with her. We are taught to encourage the parents role in their lives and supporting parents. This is not the way to do it.

If I were the OP, I would let my child call a childminder "Mummy Sarah" or whatever the CM's name is.

This is so common, loads and loads of children do it, it is not remotely instigated by the CM. I do agree that it would be a bit wierd for the OP to hear, but it is not a bad thing. The child is secure with the CM and understands that the CM is looking after her, I don't really see the problem and certainly wouldn't change CM.

My DS is 3.5yo and recently we had this conversation:

DS: I have to ask Mama

KS: You need to ask Mama? I am here.

DS: No, my other Mama

KS: What other Mama

DS: My Nadine-Mama

Nadine is his kindergarten teacher. I ROFLed actually, I thought it was really cute.

I also was rather pleased that he feels so comfortable and loved in kindergarten that he calls his teachers Mama.

I then explained that the teachers were called "Erzieherin", I don't think he had a name for them so that is why he was calling them Mama.

I also told the kindergarten teachers and said to them that I was happy that DS is so well looked after and loved.

Pazboz
If you are uncomfortable with it then you should mention it, but don't read any more into it than it is. It is not creepy or wierd. Although, I would be happier if she corrected her, it is not ok to just let it stand.

I would be furious.

My DD apparently wanders around at nursery saying "MumMum" sometimes, but this is always answered with a "yes, Mummy's at work, isn't she, she'll be back later, now come with X and do Y" sort of response.

As for the "it shows they have a good relationship" - nonsense, IMHO. DS has been incredibly attached to carers at various stages, cried for them, run to see them in the morning, etc - but always called them by their names. DD adores her Grandad but calls him "dandad", not "Daddy" - and she is 16mths.

My first thought on seeing this was ouch ? I wouldn?t have wanted my child to call her CM ?Mummy? ? but then I remembered when we were small. It was very unusual to call adults by their first name then (late 60?s, early 70?s) ? and quite common for us to call ? and be expected to call ? our friend?s mothers ?Mummy? when we were at their houses.
Now days children call me by my first name, or occasionally Silverbirch-sapling?s Mummy (well- actually now they are dropping Mummy as uncool ? but when they were younger they did). But they still refer to a group of mothers collectively as ?the Mummies?. I think, to them, Mummy is a title ? like ?Doctor? or ?Professor?. They still know which is their ?Mummy?.

If I were you I?ld have a quiet word with the CM and say you would prefer her to discourage it, but I wouldn?t be confrontational about it.

Silverbirch
Yes, I like that, that Mummy is a title like Dr or Professor.

To the op...
I wouldnt let it get to you, its really not that big of a deal, i do think the CM should correct your dd in a sensitive way

Maybe i would just say to the CM something like "Would you mind correcting xxxx when she calls you mummy because i wouldnt like her to get confused"

At thge end of thre day it doesn't really matter what we all think. This is about you and your child and it bothers you so you have all the right to ask her to correct your child.

Lots of children might have a slip of the tongue and call their teacher Mummy, as duchesse described - my own son has done this and called me by his teacher's name. But that's NOT what the OP is describing. What Stealthsquiggle said about how the nursery deals with it sounds much healthier imo.

I do really think it is significant - 'mummy' is not just any old title.

If I was in your situation, I think i would feel upset about it. maybe it is kind of an ego thing don't all mummies at some level like to feel that they are the only really special person (maybe apart from dp!) deserving of a mummy or daddy title from their dc's?

If I was being the way I'd want to be - I'd feel tingly and warm hearted that my baby has such a lovely relationship with his CM. But I'd also ask the CM to gently remind dd that her name is X, and that mummy is a special name for.. mummy.

A slip of the tongue which the child recognises and the adult then corrects is completely understandable.

But mummy is mummy. It's more than a name. It's a figure, a particular figure in a child's life. It doesn't mean that a child shouldn't develop a loving attachment to their CM at all, but they should recognise that they're not their mummy.

I think the CM should've corrected your dd. My dd was 2 when she had a CM and she always called her by her first name and CM would definitely not have wanted to be called mummy or thought of as a mummy to her.

A mummy is different to a CM. In very important ways.

I was going to say 'that's weird' and then realised I have absolutely no idea if the Inferiorettes ever called their CM Mummy by mistake. I bet they did sometimes. But not routinely.

boy - what a lot of posts. Thank you all so much. I do need to say something, yes, not necesarily because its very wrong, but because its bothering me. I'm just going to have to be brave I suppose - I'm not going to widen this by going into examples but there have been other things in the past that I have been concerned about and shes always said something along the lines of 'oh, dont be silly dear' because she's had sooooooooo many children (hers and other peoples) and I'm just a beginner. Shes a total go with the flow person, shes fab with kids (they all adore her) but shes sort of ditzy and I'm a routine person... I have bowed to her experience thus far (shes normally been right - I was a Gina Ford devotee until I met her and thought I HAD to do certain things or my daughter would explode or something). I think this time I have to put my foot down.

Thanks again

Just remember she is your child and NO ONE has more experience with your child as YOU.

Shit just mentioned GF and explode in the same sentence...

I didn't really think she'd explode. Obviously.

padboz does your CM have other children of her own.
I CM and also found myself in this position. My dd would obviously call me mummy. She was the best talker so all the other toddlers thought I was called 'mummy' and when they started speaking didn't realise that I was called a name and also called me mummy. I tried over and over to correct it to no avail. They just did not understand that I was only dd's mummy IYSWIM. They grew out of it eventually at about 2.4 and 2.6 respectively.
I wouldn't worry too much.