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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I found out this morning that my childminder allows my daughter to call her Mummy without challenging it

97 replies

padboz · 29/02/2008 10:40

I assumed my dd was talking to me this morning when she said 'mummy can I X' but it turned out to be directed at our childminder. I questioned this and she said 'oh she's always called me that when you aren't here - usually she stops when you get here instantly and starts calling me X - she definately knows you are her mummy' She's 2 been there since she was 6 months. I didn't really say anything, but I'm sitting here fuming - does this matter?

OP posts:

Bensonbluebird · 29/02/2008 11:31

My DS1 went through a phase of calling his childminder mummy, but then he was calling everyone mummy at the time but meant it in a "Hey you, pay attention to me" kind of way rather than referring to the specific relationship that we have. He called everyone Daddy for a while before that too.

I agree that the CM should be correcting your daughter, but I don't think you should be disturbed by it. Your daughter has been with the CM since she was really little (as was my DS1), see it as a sign that they have bonded really well not as a threat to your relationship with your daughter.

Lauriefairycake · 29/02/2008 11:35

I wouldn't be miffed at all, sounds like more of a 'title' than her actually not being able to tell the difference.

How lovely that she feels its like a home from home, that she feels safe and secure enough to call her that and recognises the difference when you turn up.

I would gently correct her if I was the childminder and you could ask her to do that when appropriate,like when she's safe and happy if you want. But not when she might be upset about something as it might take away the security of expressing their feelings.

I'm a foster parent and sometimes they have called me mum - I've drawn attention to it and usually they have got a little emotional and its provoked a good discussion about how they feel safe here.

My dh is a teacher and occasionally his students call him dad - he usually ignores this (as once it came from a 16 year old) as to draw attention to it invites ridicule from the other students - in this case the boy was relating to him in that moment in a 'dad' way (he didn't have a real dad) so again it was about the emotional.

Frankly I would be delighted if I child of my own while in good secure childcare (which you've clearly found for her) occasionally 'mummed' her - to me it shows you've done a good job in placing her somewhere lovely and safe.

MrsMattie · 29/02/2008 11:36

Sorry, but I think that's very weird.

enos · 29/02/2008 11:39

I am a childminder and looked after a child with the same name as me from the age of 6mths till school age, I was called mummy and then xxxxx's mum for about 3 years as she just couldn't get the idea that she could be called the same as me, and as Edam mentioned I was doing mummy things and of course my children called me mummy! She got it eventualy though and always knew that I wasn't her mum.

dippydeedoo · 29/02/2008 11:39

its awful that you are so upset hunny it is v common for children to mistake it but you need to tell the cm its not to be encouraged,as im always telling people on here(yawn) i worked as a nanny and a nursery nurse and so many times children have called me mummy and i always say oh no you only have 1 mummy and thats xxxxx but im dee and i love you too but im not mummy-one time a little girl fell over and ran to me straight past her mum crying i immediately picked her up and took her to her mum and said ill go get a cold compress-i know the mum felt sad that shed run to me but the OIC eplained it away nicely saying the children knew who the first aiders were and of course in nursery she would follow the rules that were instilled in her but i felt bad for the mum x cripes that was 16 years ago

MrsCarrot · 29/02/2008 11:40

It's not an accidental slip of the tongue though is it? She call her that as a matter of course, which is odd.

I wouldn't like it at all. I don't think she needs to call the CM Mummy to feel happy and secure there and it obviously bothers you. I would discuss it with her and see how she responds.

poppynic · 29/02/2008 11:41

I can understand why you might feel bad but I think that's from your perspective rather than your dd's. Maybe at this age she needs to feel she has a "mummy" available to her during the day. She's very lucky to have a CM who she obviously views as providing the kind of care and security she needs from a mummy. So, she can have all the benefits provided by her mummy working and have someone to meet her needs while mummy is at work.

My Mum looked after a friend's baby full time and she called my Mum "Mum" at this age, and her mother by her first name! She is now 10 and a very successful,happy, well adjusted child who has nice visits to my Mum and I'm sure no memory of calling her "Mum".

I read in a book once not to correct children when they alternate Mum and Dad but to congratulate yourselves for, well, I can't quite remember exactly what, but basically being two important and valuable people in your child's life.

ROSEgarden · 29/02/2008 11:41

some of my mindees have called/call me mummy, they are not replacing you in their mind, we just do 'mummy' things and with my dd being around sometijmes, they copy of her and call me mummy, i ALWAYS say to them, no not mummy, xxx(my name), the little ones(your LO age often dont get it) dont worry, shes not weird, just not berating your LO for getting mixed up, im sure shes glad to ahnd everyones children back at the end of her hard day and just lets you LO say what she feels comfortable with

blueshoes · 29/02/2008 11:42

It would not bother me. I would assume it was dd that started it. It is quite nice really that dd feels comfortable enough to call your cm that and great that your cm is not so cowed by parents to stop dd from using it.

Padloz, you can gently direct your dd by saying: "mummy? you mean [cm]. I'm mummy", to avoid confusion at home.

dd 4.7 calls my aupair "mummy" (even when I am there) ... and "daddy" and "grandma", "papa" and "teacher", but I suppose it is different because at her age it is role play. I am fine with that.

nervousal · 29/02/2008 11:43

I wouldn't like it either.

However, it does remind me of one horrible childhood day when I called my teacher "mummy" by mistake - I think I must hve been about 14 - its stuck with me ever since!!

FioFio · 29/02/2008 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 29/02/2008 11:44

It wouldnt matter to me at all. It is in my opinion an honour for your CM if your child calls her that, it means she is getting proper care!

I have had three au pairs, and my kids (now nearly 6 and 2 1/2) has all at some stage called all of them mummy. I dont mind.

To me it says that my child thinks a mummy is a nice lady that cares well for him. I am sure he knows inside himself what the difference is.

I have sometimes said, honey, I am not sure Lisa/Polly/Petunia likes that you call her mummy, as she isnt a mummy, but a nanny that takes good care of you.

littlepinkpixie · 29/02/2008 11:44

This is very wierd. I agree that it says far more about the CM than the child - your DD doesnt have any clue about the emotional connotations behind the word "mummy" but your childminder should. It makes me wonder about the ability of the CM to have appropriate emotional boundaries.
I wouldnt change childcare arrangements lightly, but this would seriously make me consider finding a new childminder.

tiktok · 29/02/2008 12:02

Not a big deal, I agree, but worth mentioning it because it makes you feel uncomfortable....and it's your call.

I used to look after a little girl occasionally, and she called me 'Other Mummy' or (as it came out) 'Uvvermummy' which I (and the 'real' mummy) thought was very, very cute I didn't call myself that to her, though, and her own mum used my own name, too, and eventually as her talking and understanding grew, it just stopped. She knew I was someone else's mummy, I think, not her own 'other' mummy.

bohemianbint · 29/02/2008 12:04

I'd go ape.

hunkermunker · 29/02/2008 12:05

Agree with Edam.

You overreacting bunch of violent (in some cases) mentalists.

Cappuccino · 29/02/2008 12:07

dd2 calls me GraMummy

because I am ill so grandma has been looking after her so much

Cappuccino · 29/02/2008 12:07

I agree with Edam too for the record

oxocube · 29/02/2008 12:08

I would be extremely hurt by this

hunkermunker · 29/02/2008 12:09

DS2 calls my mum and dad Mum and Dad - DS1 did the same (he now calls them Ganny and Gaddad). This is because they heard me calling them Mum and Dad, not Granny and Grandad. DS1 also calls me Daddy, Nanny and Ganny.

I think they know who their mother is without all the faces needed.

TheHonEnid · 29/02/2008 12:13

thats completely different hunker they are family

its the fact that she is not correcting it that is weird

allgonebellyup · 29/02/2008 12:16

i dont think its a big deal, she is only 2. It would be more of a worry if she was 10!
Are you the jealous type?

Lazycow · 29/02/2008 12:17

This thread has made me a bit sad. I'd have been delighted if ds had called his cm mummy. In my mind I'd planned an Edam's mum type scenario where ds had another woman in his life who he could turn to when older if he needed it, a sort of second mum.

I've always been of the view that children need a variety of warm supportive people in their lives and have never seen that as a threat to me as his mother. That view was a major reason behind me choosing a cm over a nursery

As it was his cm turned out to be a mad bint (in the last few weeks anyway, though at first she seemed lovely and he liked her) and she made things so difficult because of the way she was with me that we had to take ds out of her care.

Because she was angry with me, she even refused to say goodbye to him properly and said that she wouldn't give him a good bye tea party (something she always does for those children that leave) as 'it would upset the other children' hmm

imaginaryfriend · 29/02/2008 12:18

I wouldn't like it at all.

TheHonEnid · 29/02/2008 12:22

my dd3 is 2 in april and she definitely knows who everyone is

she would be really confused by having two mummies and she wouldnt like it at all

if she called anyone else mummy it would be seriuosly odd

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